Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Today was the last session of Living Waters and I have to admit, I am happy that it is over. Now don't get me wrong. I loved it. I loved most of all the time spent with the guys. Hearing the stories of their lives. Being vulnerable and real. Transparent. I walk away a better man because of the input that 6 men in my group played in my life. How they shared, how they reacted. It shows how important community is in our lives. How important and God driven it is to connect with me. I understand how much has been twisted and bent out of shape in my years of seeking encounters with men sexually. How in my past relationship with my ex, not everthing was bad. How it has always been God's intent for men to be real with one another and have intimate relationships with each other...just not in a sexual way.
Now society may deem that invalid, especially with todays views on homosexuality, but I feel like more of a man than I ever have. I got a comment from someone and he said...it was too bad that I never allowed myself the experience to really know God as a gay man and to experience a totally committed relationship. I have had to disagree with him. To know God fully...I do not believe you can be in a gay relationship and honestly know God fully. I think you can know God and God can use you and move in you, but to fully understand the healing and the annointing...not sure if you can, and I do not need to go there to see if you could. For me, I am happy in the place where I am at.
I have lived in the gay community, and there are parts of that community that I loved. There is also parts that I thought "darkness dwells there". I have lived in both sides of the sphere. I am choosing to walk in the fullness of Christ. I know people who are gay who say they are christians and who walk and talk with God. I believe that...but I think that deep down, there is something more that they crave, desire and want. Something that man cannot give. A wholeness, a deeper relationship with God, the Abba Father, Holy One, who sent His only son Jesus to take from us the hurts of our youth, our adulthood and place it on the cross. All the disappointments of having a messed up family, incest, abuse, confusion of our gender. I know men and woman who have walked out of the confusion and into the light of who they are in Christ and who are extrememly happy and fullfilled.
So my challenge is for anyone reading this who is questioning, who has a relationship with God...is there more to life than what you have? Is what you have all there is? Is God calling you to something more?
As hard as it could be and will be, all God wants is to embrace us and call us into our true identities...apart from the worlds view.
I leave that with you. I place this flower on here as a sign of my thankfulness to those who have embraced me and supported me. Who have carried me through this time in my life and who continually bless me. To those men in my group who inspire me and move me past my own brokenness. To the leaders who pushed, pulled and prayed. To the teachers who taught about the truth, grace and mercy of our God. Thank you for who you are in Christ Jesus.