Wednesday, April 05, 2006

what to say

Tonight, I wonder what to say. The journey of Living Waters is over...or has it just begun? As I sat listening to the men and women speak of their journey into freedom, I was overwelmed. Both in my own walk and sharing this walk with others. It has been incredible. The awesome reality of God.

Yet, as I came home, I began to feel overwelmed, fearful of what lies ahead. Stomach churning. Mostly, because I have an exam on thursday and I feel utterly, not ready. My mind has not been there. So much has happened these past two weeks. Wow.

I feel confindent though. More so than ever before in my life. I desire to know God more. I spoke tonight of how I felt during the Living Waters process. So many times, I felt like I could have been more open. I could have shared more, but I also know that what I shared was real.

I re-read my blog entries and am amazed at where God has brought me. It is incredible. Sure, I do not have it all together...I am not "healed", yet I know, I know of his unfailing love.

I wrote this for my living waters in review....

When I began Living Waters, I wrote on my blog this statement....
"WHAT HAVE I DONE? It would be so much easier to take the well traveled path".

I was scared of being real, vulnerable, ripped open and left for dead. I was frightened that this wouldn't work for me. That it would be too difficult and I would give up.

Well, I gave up. I gave up the notion and mind set that this is all about me and how healed I would be, and how my needs would be met.
I gave up control. This has not been easy. I like being in control. I just kow that I can't be. Being not in control has taken me to some very uncomfortable places. But God is gracious and loving and I have begun to taste and see that the Lord our God is good. That he is my refuge and my strong tower, where I can run to Him and I am safe. It is yielding the controls over to God and allowing Him to do his work in me.

At the beginning of Living Waters I quoted Hosea 2. That continues to ring true to me. How God Took away everything because of my unfaithfulness and because I forgot Him. oh God allured me, lead me to a desert spoke tenderly to me, gave me back the vineyards. I sing as in the days of my youth, as in the days I came out of Egypt.

I have realized how broken and weak I really am. That I can boast in my weakness and in that God's strength is revealed. I have realized that admitting my weakness fully in front of other men has brought me much healing. For me the small group times meant more than anything. It made me realize I am not alone. That I can bare my soul and not be rejected or judged. That is HUGE!

For me something happened in January. I cannot fully fathom it. I wrote that something new is going on...yet it's not scary anymore. I am actually a bit excited in what is happening my alone times with God have taken on a whole new feel. Being able to just talk to him. Tell him what is going on and the crap I feel and the joy I experience. So I hold on to his robe, casting my cares at the cross and prepare for the ride of my life.

Psalm 90:14-17

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love
so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
Give us gladness in proportion to our misery.
Replace the evil years with good.
Let us, your servants, see you work again,
let our children see your glory
and may the Lord our God show us his approval
and make our efforts successful.

This is a journey, a challenging and sometimes difficult way to live. I really feel that we have all taken the narrow less traveled path. For me it is opening up and doing the opposite of what I normally would do. It is laying down my life and allowing Christ to transform this vessel of a man. It is being open to the refiners fire and crying out to be consummed by his spirit.

my heart aches to be consumed by your fire
the refinement of precious metal
break down the calluses and hardened metal
come refiners fire
Burn apart the barriers holding me secure
all the preconceptions long with held
hold me tight as you bring you fire
come refiners fire
Secret rooms and boundaries built
years of self induced ache
not willing to hold it in
come refiners fire
burn long and hard, my aching heart
beat the drums and trumpets shout
as the walls come crashing in
come refiners fire
come refiners fire.

Peace to you who have shared the last 25 weeks with me, who have listened and imparted life. Blessings to you!

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