Feelings vs Truth...Who's in your corner?

Hebrews 3:12-13

Be careful...make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God.  You must warn each other every day, while its still "today", so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.  (NLT)

Do you have someone in your life who speaks truth?  Who encourages and spurs you toward Christ and His likeness?  Who cares for you and in doing so speaks into areas in your life where they see could use some encouragement or work?  Who will walk with you in your journey of faith?

I think of our need for community and the need to have others spur us onward toward the completion of the race set before us.

Jeremiah 17:9 reads "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?"

Proverbs 28:26 reads  "Those who trust in themselves (heart) are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe."

Wisdom is the word of God...the living, breathing, relevant word of God which is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  It is our bread and our sustenance and we can't live without it.  When we base our motives on our heart feelings, we can easily be strayed off course and onto paths which may feel good, but are far from the best for us and lead us to destruction.

I listened to my heart once and began to base my identity on how I felt, rather than the word of God.  I began silencing out solid, mature believers and trusted my heart feelings!  This led me to the path of identifying myself as a gay man who believed because I felt this way my, my sexuality was set and I controlled it.

How many of us make decisions based on the sole merit of our feelings?  When I proposed to my wife I had definite feelings for her or I wouldn't have married her.  But I also knew that God was calling me to marry her and that I had total peace as I knew this was ordained by Him.    Do my feelings change on a day to day basis as I live out married life?  You bet.  Some days it's easy to love well and to get along and we find our groove!  But there are days when it's slugging through difficult communication, misinterpretations, sleep deprivation, and child rearing.  In those times, I need to know that I have a solid foundation of covenant, commitment, perseverance, faith and I find that these are wise pieces of truths that I find in the word of God and go beyond a feeling.  It's a mindset of being committed regardless of how I feel.

I need Jesus desperately everyday to walk this out and I need my family the body of Christ to do this as well.  I need trusted brothers and sisters to speak truth to me if they see me dabbling in things I shouldn't.  I need these broken vessels to encourage me and spur me toward the goal set before me.  When I begin to veer off the path...who's there to help me?  If I have no one, I will merrily go this way and that.

So whose in your corner?  Who knows you and your heart and your life?  Who has authority to speak truth in love to you, even if it makes you boil inside, yet you know it's truth?  Who are you submitted to?

Find a good person, not a perfect person (because there isn't one), to be that person who will challenge you and who you can challenge, and thank God for them.  Pray that God brings people into your life who won't just allow you to feel good, but will challenge your 'feelings' and spur you toward holiness and the race set before you.  It's not easy and each one of us can be easily strayed by appeasing things that tug at our heart.

  

The Death of Kendra

The Title of this post could bring some question as to what I'm writing about.  Did a friend or someone I know pass away?  Am I writing about someone who has died?

To be frank, yes!  I am writing about a death of some sort, but not a physical death of something but rather an idea and a thought process that used to take up a lot of my time. 

I awoke this morning from a vivid dream.  One that caused me to pause and reflect and think about discipleship and walking life freely in love with God my Father who directs my steps, who places guard rails on the path for my well being, and then exhorts me to walk with others, showing them the love of Jesus.

Psalm 16:5-9 reads:

5The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
  You support my lot.
6The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
  Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.
7I will bless the LORD who has counseled me;
  Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
8I have set the LORD continually before me;
  Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;
  My flesh also will dwell securely.

With this in minds, my dream was about this man who went by the name Kendra!  I knew it was me, dressed and living as a woman.  I was with a group of transgendered people both men and women and we were entering into a movie theater.  There were empty seats all around the theater yet none together, so we all sat by ourselves.  The movie was just beginning when a man shouted out obscenities toward the group.  It was degrading and horrific.  I felt in that moment this surge of justice and with all the courage I could muster, I stood up and spoke to the crowd.  I spoke clearly that no one had the right to treat others like that, especially when you have no clue as to who that person is and what they are going through or been through.  

I can't remember everything that I said, but I called for the man who spoke the obscenities to be man enough to stand up!  I expected a large physical man to stand, but a short, thin man appeared.  With remorse in his eyes, I could tell that he was sorry for the words that he had spoken.

When I woke up, I wondered why I had this dream and what the purpose of it was.  The more I meditated on it, I felt like God was saying, "Kenny, Kendra is dead!  Even the thought of Kendra is now dead!"  I felt as if God was reminding me that even though for me, Kendra is dead, we are still called to be like Jesus in how we talk and love those to whom we may not understand.

I look at my life and realize that yes, the thought of being "Kendra" is done!  God has transplanted His ways and His thoughts into my mind and heart.  He had reclaimed my identity and affirmed my gender identity to how He formed and created me to be.  Fully man!  Will old patterns of thought still make it's way to my consciousness?  Of course, that's what defines me as human.  But these thoughts need not control me or cause me to re-think who I am in Christ.  I no longer need to assume a false identity or create one to appease the broken places within me.

I believe that God was showing me in this dream that despite my best efforts, when I take matters into my own hands, Kendra can live, and yet when I submit my life to God...every part of my life, Kenny lives!  In the midst of all of this, I have no right to tear someone down and call out obscenities.  What I felt God saying is GET INVOLVED and get to know people where their at.  When you have no clue on how to respond or what to say, pray that God bring you into people's lives, so you can walk out your faith authentically!  



 

 

Bending the knee...

Today, I read another announcement from a young Christian leader welcoming discussion on "why he is dating men" and that he would do this the healthiest way possible because of his relationship with God.

For many people they would embrace this and celebrate his liberty and freedom and yet for me, my heart grieved.  I felt deep sadness in the statement he made.  There was no rejoicing.  My first words out of my mouth were "Lord have mercy!"  I was immediately drawn to the prodigal story.  My thoughts on all of this are for those who are believers...who have been enlightened to the truth of Jesus Christ and the full Gospel. 

Here we have a loving Father who has a son who wants desperately to go his own way.  The son sees all that he has and wants out.  He wants his freedom.  Maybe he felt too confined within the parameters of his Fathers standard.  So his goal is to get what is due him and leave.  So his father gives to him what he is owed (his inheritance) and he goes his own way.  Maybe to find himself...who he really is.  We may think the father would take a passive response...just get on with life, but he would have continually gone to the road to see if his son was coming back...day after day, month after month, year after year.  Maybe people would have mocked the Father...told him to just get on with it, forget about the son, yet I don't see the Father doing that...he waits for the day of his sons return.

Now the son...wanting liberation tries this and that to see what appeals to him.  Living his life to the fullest.  He no longer lives under the confines of his Fathers standard.  He is able to do what pleases him.  He is able to do everything that feels right.  Why would his father not allow him this freedom?  Such a backwards father, stuck in the dark ages of religion, could well have been his thoughts.  Why would a loving Father not allow me to be who I want to be and express that however I feel like?
Until it all crashes around him...when the money is gone...his friends leave and he is left alone.

As I write this...can we link this with an aspect of God handing us over to our desires and our own lusts?  Slowly and inevitably we begin to bend and accept an even broader realm of sexual expression?  We bend our knee not to God but now to a cultural humanistic expression of "what feels good".

What I imagined in this whole scenario and discussion is this:

The "church" the "bride of Christ" is adopting a definition of grace that allows us to go with our feelings.  If we do this then nothing is unacceptable.  Seriously.  Think about it.

I feel attracted to the same gender.  It's not going away as much as I want and so I'm going to still LOVE God with my whole heart and date those of the same gender.  (bending the knee)

I feel attracted to young children and this has never left me.  For as long as I know I have had this attraction so I am going to date young children.  (bending a knee)

I'm married and feel attracted to your spouse and so I'm going to leave my spouse for your spouse.  (bending a knee)

I struggle with same gender attraction and I still feel that attraction, but I'm married.  So I'm going to leave my spouse and take a position that this is what God had for me all along. (bending a knee)

I'm in love with an animal and they love me.  (bending a knee)

I'm in love with my father's wife and she loves me, so we're going to get together.  (bending a knee)

When does the bending stop?  When we begin the dialogue of one issue, we begin the dialogue of another.  We begin to lose the foundation set before us of Godly, healthy sexuality.  Designed and created by God.  Because inevitably, we stop the dialogue!  We stop being generous and gracious!  Because we will view those who hold a standard of faith and a value that sexuality is a sacred and holy expression only in the pastures of a monogamous marriage between one man and one woman as hateful and archaic and unattainable to those in the margins.  That we are being mean and unsympathetic to those who face something different as their reality.  If we welcome the bending of the knee we actually have to lay something down, I have to sacrifice something.  What we lay down is the standard set before us, not from an archaic God who is just out to get us, break us, pound us, enslave us, but one who knows the good of what is best for us in a broken and sinful world.  Who calls us into the fullness of life with Him and to live within the boundary lines that have fallen in good pasture.

Can we use the theory that because we live in a fallen and broken state, if my sexuality is broken than it's okay to embrace my broken sexuality and that God will bring it glory.  We can make license by saying the Church has a double standard, accepting divorced/remarried people to the church but we won't allow gay Christian's there.  These are all excuses to follow our own desires and place ourselves before God.
We proclaim  "God...it's messed up down here, and since you're not doing anything, I will take matters into my own hands...and oh ya...can you bless me too?"  Can you bless my idol worship?

That goes contrary to who God is.  God won't bless idolatry!  Or can he?  You might say...Kenny, that is a hateful thing to say.  But you know what?  If I don't fear God and holiness...I will seek to sooth people.  To pat them and say...ya...that's okay, keep living in the mud and mire and keep saying it's okay and keep saying God will bless it.  But in all honesty can we say that he hands you over?  Things get more muddled and more welcoming and pretty soon, everything that feels good, is good.

I saw this in my own life.  I began believing that same theology.  I listened to the feel good messages of humanism.  Since I always struggled with same gender attraction and God never took it away, I must be gay and I then cannot deny these feelings anymore.  No one had the right to speak what I didn't want to hear.  You needed to bend to my view and if not...you were hateful and unloving.  "Keep your opinion to your self...you self righteous Christian...who excuses all other sin...but mine..."

Some of that was truth...because the bride was looking pretty messy and bending their knee to easy answers and solutions.  Why stay with your spouse after they had an affair?  You have every right to divorce them?
Falling out of love...this is too hard...okay, lets part ways and find our true love and remarry!  Hard realities of truth?  Maybe!

Yet...I saw for myself a different picture of a loving Father who waited for me...but he also released me to go and live contrary to his heart for me.  He never once blessed my actions and said..."Oh Kenny, what you are doing is great!"  He did say this though "I love you with an everlasting love, can you hear me Kenny?  I have so much more that I want to you show...don't settle for this, because this isn't my best for you!"

I see the end result of the prodigal as the young man sitting in the filth and mud of his own making.  His decisions and actions brought him to the mud and mire and he realizes where he is and what he is doing.  He recognizes that even the servants of his father are treated better than this.  Was he remorseful?  Was he repentant?

I think in the loving arms of his father who ran out to greet him with arms full of compassion, tears washing away the mud and mire, soothing the young mans hurt, a father extended grace in the midst of the sons repentance, now being offered much more than he deserved.  How much more is our Father who calls out to us..."My son...My daughter...I love you...come home!  Don't settle for less than what I have for you, which is so much more than what you deserve...COME let me show you My mysterious ways...I'm waiting!"

Bill 18 Anti-WHAT?

Today, news hit when a large evangelical church in a relatively conservative town was covered in the Winnipeg Free Press.  I hadn't had the opportunity to read the article yet, but I already had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  When I did read it, it confirmed the sinking feeling.

Having worked for the last 7 years in a ministry which seeks to be a safe and confidential place for those dealing with relational and sexual issues including gender issues, this article didn't sit well with me.

Let me begin by saying that Bill 18 is flawed.  There are many parts of the Bill that will only propagate bullying and in its segregated statements it will only facilitate an us vs them state of mind.  As I read the Bill I wonder about a huge segment of kids left to in the fray of a specific agenda...

...the disabled kid...the fat kid...skinny kid...acne prone kid...the geek...the nerd...the jock...the cheerleader...the slut...the virgin...the fag...the dyke...the fairy...the bucktoothed beaver...the Christian...the Sikh...the atheist...the black...the white...the native...the Asian...and the list goes one!

The Bill is flawed when it comes to 90% of the population who in their own right have a right not to be bullied.  I love groups, especially ones that provide a safe and respectful environment, but this bill has only identified one specific issue...the gay one!  If we can get a handle on this one which is the most prevalent then we've done good....right?  Okay...lets just stop right here for a minute or two.

From the age of 11...bullying began.  I was called every name in the book...tossed around in school...every day (yes every day) until I was 17 I was subjected to ridicule and harassment.  Even some teachers took their insecurities out on me...only to further push me further into a mess of confusion.  Was the school safe for me?  NO.  But neither was the community.  I had a few good friends, but for the most part growing up in small town Manitoba (hockey haven), I didn't fit the mold.  I rubbed up against the insecurity of those around me.  Running the water in the sink with the razor in my hand shocked me and I couldn't do it.  Holding the pills in my hand wanting desperately to pop them and just go to sleep...shook me awake.  Things changed when I switched schools and went to a private one in grade 12...or did they?

Kids were still picked on...having had traumatic experiences of bullying, I could well see subtle and blatant bullying...social standing vs poverty, jock vs geek, but it was subtle and yet still damaging to both the bully and the victim.  Most kids who are bullied also bully!

Even after high school, moving back to my home town, I remember kids chasing me in a vehicle, taunting me, yelling obscenities...why?  Because I was different and they couldn't deal with their insecurity...and most likely they too were bullied!

Years later I came out and proclaimed my gay identity as my right and I was adamant that no one would hurt me, ridicule me or do this to others, regarding their gender, sexuality or for any matter.  I worked for 20 years in the daycare and school system and fought hard to do my part to stop bullying.  I jumped on the EGALE bandwagon and began to see a focus that wasn't healthy.  Sure, this segment of the population needs a safe place...but so does every kid!  Regardless of who or what they are.

Then because of my faith, I chose to not identify myself as gay and sought to understand the complexities of my gender and sexuality, surprisingly I faced bullying again.  Subtle bullying as well as blatant.  I was now taunted and ridiculed by those to whom I fought for!  The ones that were bullied were now bullying me.  Saying I was hateful, a bigot and a liar.  I was slandered and run through the mud.  Even though I have a differing view, I also view everyone's decision to live their life...just that...THEIRS.  Does it affect me?  Sometimes, but I am called to be Christ's hands and feet.  I am called to love my neighbor and we find our commonality in our human-ness a need to feel safe and respected.  When this isn't felt, insecurities and projections and anger rise it's ugly head!

I wonder...ARE YOU GETTING IT?  Do you see a bigger picture in this?  I do!

I see that this Bill 18 is not the answer.  The bigger picture is..."Are our children safe?"  When I sit back and think about that...I don't think they are.  None of us can be there fully for our children 24/7.  They are at risk everywhere they go.  We as parents need to be intentional in EVERYTHING we do.  We need to be involved and not passive as we parent our children.  Who is raising our children?  TV, VIDEO GAMES, TEACHERS, DAY CARES, GOVERNMENT?  We need to be talking with our kids about differences and how in the midst of even our own fears and the complexities of life

Even though Bill 18 is flawed and not the answer, the reality is that there is something much bigger going on.  Is the answer fighting?
Is the answer apathy?

I think people on both sides of this Bill need to see a BIGGER picture of the necessity of keeping ALL children safe from bullying.  Being respectful of a very diverse world with which we live in.

Part of this process is realizing that for years the 'church' has been relatively silent.  Only rising up when something comes close to causing discomfort and uneasiness, but in the silence they have lost their voice of influence.  If you want influence and the ability to speak out about a certain subject, it's walking in the very area you want to be influential.  It's being that safe and respectful place.  It's seeking out wisdom and understanding, it's speaking and being proactive on education and not keeping your head in the sand, hoping the issue will just go away.

When we want to proclaim truth...we need to marry that with the grace extended to us...showing the mercy of Jesus.

What will you give up?

I was listening to an interview this past week and one phrase stuck out for me.  "What will you give up?"

For most of us the idea of giving something up that means a lot to us challenges us and can bring quite a bit of conflict to our humanness.  What happens when this something is particularly engrained in us and something we think cannot be given up?

As I drove to work today, I was pondering life and the complexities of it.  I am amazed at what God has done in the areas of my life that I have given over to him.  Some out of obedience and some with kicking and screaming while others were easy to give up out of a love relationship with an eternal Father.

Today, I got thinking of my gender and my worth as a man.  What came to me was this thought..."Kenny, you could have changed your body with hormones and surgery, but you cannot change the composition of your DNA...the blueprint of how God made you, unique and fully male!"  Maybe with science and the way things are headed we can manipulate and change things around by a human perspective...focusing on being creator rather than acknowledging that we are created beings...designed by God for His glory.

I look at my hands, my features and other bodily parts and recognize the masculine traits on the outside, but what about the ones on the inside that fought with the outward expression.  I couldn't stop the formation of hair on my chest, or the sharpness of my jaw, the thickening of my torso, the shape of my being was in conflict with my inner self that cried out for the softness of the feminine.  I began to hate how I was created rather than be in awe of how I was created.

When God profoundly spoke to me in 2005 and called me out of my Egypt into the wilderness, I knew it was about giving up.  It was to give up control of my life and how I had created and worshiped my life.  It was no longer me that was in charge but God who knows infinitely more than I do and who cares for me with deep compassion.

I had to give up the notion that I was gay and I had to give up the notion that I could have a sex change.  These things were deeply ingrained in me for years.  I remember vividly a time when my mom after catching me wear her clothes say "they have operations for that!"  She doesn't remember saying it and I think it was said mostly out of the fear of the unknown, yet it penetrated in my being and this nagging sense of insecurity reared it's head.  It stuck with me.  This idea of what if.

Yet, I looked in the mirror and saw something very male.  I watched every talk show that was geared toward transsexualism and I was fascinated by what I saw and heard.  Could it be that I could do it too?
But what I began to witness was the manipulation of the body to conform to the minds thoughts.  Essentially, I saw men in women's clothing.  I saw the effects of what female hormones could do, yet, the movement, the bone structures, the work it would be to transform felt like a lie to me.  It wasn't negating the deep feelings inside or the turmoil, yet, it seemed to me that there was something else that played a factor.  Could it be the environment and behavioral structures of their early years played a factor?  I had to examine mine.

In doing this examination, I had to give up the notion that my environment had nothing to do with my struggle and disorded sense of gender.  I had to realize that how I was parented and my own interpretations of events were part of the factors of my development.  I had to give up and see God at work in and through my life as a man.  The complexities of the journey given over to Him so He can help navigate and direct my steps toward health in all areas of my life.

Giving up...ya, I've had to give up a lot.  I don't regret any of it, nor would I wish my life to be something else.  Truth be told, God is constantly revealing things in me that I need to give up...and in giving up, I receive so much more than what I could imagine.  He fills me with joy, peace, love and gives me good things to replace the stuff that is tarnished, old and broken down.  I won't say it's easy and it won't hurt.  On the contrary, it usually does and quite a bit actually.  But what comes out of the ashes of pain is often a beautiful aroma of praise.

So, what are you giving up?  What is God asking you to give over to Him?

Abomination?

Just listened to an old interview on The Hour with Dr. Alicia Salzar.  It was dated June 2007 and was promoting the movie she Directed called Abomination.

As I listened to her talk, there were things I agreed with.  Using shock therapy as a way to change your sexual preference isn't human, nor should it be used EVER.  But what was bothersome was the degree of what was left unsaid.  I was actually left feeling quite saddened by that fact.  She left us devaluing thousands of people. 

Now you may think..."Kenny...many LGBT people have felt devalued for many years and still do!"  I want to ask you to stop for one minute...and think...does this make it right to devalue another person?  Do two wrongs make a right?

As we dialogue with people and come to know their hearts, their dreams and desires, it becomes quite evident that their lives are complex and rich with experiences that have helped shape them to who they are at that moment.  We cannot delineate and separate those experiences from who they are today.  Each of us is affected by our parental lineage and what they did as they raised us.  We also take into full account that children are the best recorders of information but the worst interpreters and yet we live in a society that would say...they can be trusted to interpret correctly and as such, we place in their hands decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives. 

Dr. Alicia Salzar left me with the idea that anyone with a faith or religious belief that would cause us to live our life toward holiness is a negative and hurtful thing.  When in reality, finding our place at the Cross of Jesus is a wonderful and freeing place.  Knowing that we find our selves FREE is good news indeed.  As we let go of shame and guilt, we can walk with greater dignity and love for ourselves and for others.  Even with continued struggles, no matter what they are. 

Maybe the bigger issue is that for years the "church" has proclaimed that once saved your life is without struggle, which left those who did continue to face issues in their life, wondering and question the authenticity of their worth and faith.

For many years, I looked at everyone around me as perfect, without blemish and spot and this left me feeling that I never measured up to the standard of what it was to be a Christian and especially as I struggled with my gender.  It wasn't going away so what was I not doing right? 

How I've come to look at it now is a place of grace and mercy.  This took years of self discovery and submission to Jesus.  Yes Submission.  In today's culture, it is a word that makes people cringe.  With self expression, self motivation, self help, self...self...self...we internally view that we are more important than any other being...even God.  So to submit my sexuality, my gender identity and my worth was significant to me.  It wasn't any longer a feeling of self sabbatoge or that God was this mean creator who wouldn't allow me to identify as a gay man, rather, a wonderful creator who called me into the fullness of who I was as a man and defined my sexuality in His terms. In submitting I am honoring Him not in a fear of discipline, but rather out of love and respectful acknowledgement that He is holy and just. 

Another aspect of the interview that was left out was the impact Dr. Alfred Kinsey and the Kinsey Institute has had on this generation.  For years he has been lauded as the pioneer of the sexual revolution when in reality he has affected many people's lives with his studies on male sexuality in negative ways.  Kinsey's research included sexually abusing many men.  He is also linked to the Nazi experiments that were going on during their regime...


Quoted from CWA...it states...

THE NAZI CONNECTION
This statement referred to Kinsey’s correspondence with Dr. Friedrich Karl Hugo Viktor von Balluseck, a Nazi who was in charge of a small Polish town during World War II. Von Balluseck, according to testimony during his 1957 trial for a child sex murder, molested boys and girls from 1927 to 1957. 4

As reported by the Franfurter Allegemeine Zeitung on May 22, 1957:

“Dr. Balluseck…[recorded measurements] of his crimes committed against children between 9 and 14
years old … in four thick diaries … of a pseudo-scientific character … while in correspondence with the American sexual researcher Kinsey … about his research, which as he said himself, took place over three decades.”5

Another German newspaper, the Berliner Zeitung, reported on May 16, 1957:

“Kinsey had asked the paedophile specifically for material of his perverse actions. The presiding judge, Dr. [Heinrich] Berger, noted that it was Kinsey’s duty to get Balluseck locked up, instead of
corresponding with him.”6

In an attempt to soften the impact of the crimes, the current director of the Kinsey Institute, Dr. John
Bancroft, told the Indianapolis Star on September 19, 1995, that the information in Tables 30-34 came from one pedophile, a man called Mr. X, later revealed to be Rex King.  Regardless of the number of pedophiles involved, it is clear that they had a skewed perception of child sexuality, that Kinsey encouraged the abuse, and that they left sexually abused children in their wake.
                                           .
4 Judith A. Reisman, Ph.D., Kinsey: Crimes & Consequences (Crestwood, Kentucky: Institute for Media Education), 2000, p. 165, based on German newspaper articles.
5Quoted in Kinsey, Crime & Consequences, p. 166. 
6 Ibid, p. 167.

If people did the research past the surface, we would in society deem Dr. Alfred Kinsey a criminal and yet we still applaud his efforts in the sexual revolution.  REALLY? 

I think if we took the time to face the realities of who he was, we'd have to re-examine EVERYTHING that he put forth as 'GOOD', which wouldn't make us feel good.  You see we would have to be faced with the truth and reality of what was not substantial work or respected research. 

So let's get real and honest for a moment.  My struggle with same gender attraction used to define me and cause me to believe I was born gay.  As I have discovered and faced the ways I was parented and how I perceived the world around me and interpreted events that took place, I have uncovered the real Kenny.  I'm not pretending, rather extremely honest with myself and with others about my life.  This includes the realities of walking in submission to the one I call Father...a God who doesn't make mistakes, but the one who calls we worthy, loved, cherished.  I am his favorite son!  Blemishes and all!

It's sad really that so much untruth is formulated by those who think they "know it" yet when in truth have perpetuated hate and superstition. 

I wish Dr. Salzar could see the joy and peace that I have in my life.  The ways my faith has been positively affecting not just me, but my family and those around me and essentially causing me to love those deemed unlovable.  Maybe one day!

When the Music Fades...

Lately, I have been feeling like I am not handling life well.  Grief has been one of those things that I just can't shake for the life of me.  I'd like to say that I am handling it, that God is meeting me in the midst of it and yet, what my reality is, is totally different than what I had hoped it would be.

My mind is clouded with malaise.  I simply am uninterested in things around me.  That's a problem!  Having a wife and a child who is nearly 3, life goes one and I need to be present and I need to be there for them.  Sacrificing my own desires and serving them is crucial in the midst of my processing grief.

It's not easy, and again, I'd love to say that I am handling it perfectly.  There are far too many times when I tune out in front of the TV, watching meaningless shows, losing myself in the food network or the house and garden shows.  Maybe, even maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, and yet, I see it for what it is and that's tuning out.  I know full well the steps to take, and yet feel paralyzed to take them.  When I do take the steps, it feels like I am just going through the motions. 

I handled this before.  This sense of loss, but somehow this feels like the music has faded...and things have been stripped away.   What is left feels overwhelming and it's affecting me in ways that are changing me.  I know that grief changes a person.  When you lose a child/children, the music stops!  It didn't just fade away, but it stopped.  Slowly in time, the music begins and your heart warms to the sound of the melodies.  But when loss comes again, over and over, it challenges your heart to continue to beat with dreams and hope. 

The music starts beating again and again, but slowly it starts to fade...and then you are faced with the reality of the dim melody, rather than the full orchestra, that once played before any loss every happened. 

I guess that maybe this is the change that has happened in my life.  Maybe this is the now realistic stanza in my life.  I wonder if this gets better?  Does it?  Will I ever hear the full orchestra?  Will my heart ever beat with the passion that it did before any such loss occurred?  Maybe it beats again with passion, only the orchestra plays a different piece.  One that is changed due to the loss, but one that is richer, has more complex depth to the pieces that played before. 

I am thankful, believe me, I am thankful.  Just as I stand in this place, sometimes not facing it well, I know full well that God is able to do exceedingly more than I can think.  It's just...in this place I can't feel it.  I know his truths, which are my foundation...the cornerstone, yet I'm just in a place where the music has faded...and things have been stripped away.  In this place I feel that everything is a sacrifice...and that I hope is gift enough for Jesus.  I love him beyond my feelings and beyond myself, even in this place.

Fathered?

Fathered?

I was reminded today, the importance of a fathers heart toward his children! The legacy of a good father is providing them with attention, affirmation, affection, endurance, humility, respect, mercy and most of all love. 

Being rooted and grounded in this...it allows us to do much good in the communities around us.  When we know how to Father rightly, we can also extend a fathers heart to the fatherless.  Today I listened as a well know advocate for social justice was honored by those to whom he was known to.  Colleagues, Officiates, Pastors and family members.  A common thread was that you either loved him or you hated him.  

It was difficult for many reasons to sit and listen to the Eulogies.  I won't go into great detail, it's hard to listen to humanitarian accolades when at the foundation everything is flawed.  

I truly believe that the BEST form of social justice, humanitarian activism comes from having a deep awareness of a Father's/Mother's heart.  (You can have this even if you have never physically raised a biological family) This begins by making peace with your past.  If you can't stand up and confront your past, you will never walk free in the future, which takes guts, courage, honesty, integrity, respect, confession and forgiveness (and many other attributes).  It means that you look back, you recognize the lack and you move in a different direction.  Not pretending it ever happened or make light of it...but rather, in honesty look it in the face and make peace with God, your self and others.

If this never happens, you continue the cycles those previous generations walked out before you.  Sure you could probably look like all is well, but at the end of the day...do you?  As you re-cycle the past instead of doing something different, you offer quite the challenge for those who are looking to you to leave a legacy or an inheritance (which is not about gold or silver).  We can do good works, we can make a difference, but when there is no foundation, these accomplishments through time will whither, die and be forgotten. 

For nearly 3 hours, I listened to all the GOOD this person has done and yet he missed the mark which saddened me greatly.  Life is but a vapor and he chose to fulfill worldly fame instead of looking at what really mattered...being a father. I listened to a different challenge today as I sat applauding the bravery of honesty by a son.  It was refreshing and truthful.   It took a son to speak truth that didn't cause merriment; rather it produced gasps and the shaking of heads.  Heads of those still stuck in the niceties of appearance, desperately hiding the past and present wounds, so not to appear ‘broken’ in any way, fearing the words of man, rather than fearing the words of God.

It caused me to take another look at my own experience.  It wasn't great in the early years.  I longed for affection, affirmation, attention and love, and if faced with the same experience these men were having 25 years ago, I might have replied with similar words, yet in the last 25 years, I have grown to understand my father, and truly love the man he is.  He isn't perfect, nor am I...no one is.  But one of the pivotal conversations I had with him was when he shared that with me his own reality.  That he knew he wasn't the best dad and he didn't sugar coat it, or make it appear differently.  He called it for what it was and he chose to do something different.  I have learned the value of hard work, to endure, to show affection, and the ability to affirm my daughter because of him.  He is generous to a fault and would give the shirt off his back for you.  He now openly shows affection.  It has allowed me to also walk free of walls of hiding and to be the man I am called to be.  My earthly father will still fail in comparison to my heavenly Father and I too will fail my daughter, yet it is God my Father, who fathers me in the lack.  He is my perfect Father.  This continual growing knowledge of the Father heart of God comes with my own submission and acceptance of Jesus as Savior.  If I know Jesus, I know the Father! 

Yet this funeral today rocked me to the core.  My father’s heart broke within me to see the longing and the empty eyes staring back at me as a son addressed the crowd.  Honest and transparent, yet alone and fragile, walls built up from years of broken promises and empty words, a vow "I will never be like him" and yet shockingly he became the very thing he hated.  I know that full well. 

The experience enlarged my heart for the fatherless, those to whom their fathers are still living, but are emotionally, physically, relationally and spiritually distant.  I saw numerous men and women at the funeral with hearts breaking due to their own lack of being fathered.  It breaks my heart.  

It's time we rise up and speak a different type of social justice awareness, that it really does matter the legacy and foundation that we lay as a father or mother.  But this will take a concerted step toward honesty and courage to bring things into the light, to address and talk instead of hiding behind walls, or through activism. When we've wronged someone, we make it right.  When we haven't made amends or peace, can we even in all integrity stand for social justice and the rights of the down trodden when we have neglected the very ones to whom have been put in our care?  The masks need to come down, the veneers stripped away...the pretense thrown in the garbage...and true men and women calling out for their sons and daughters to come home.  It will take brave and courageous fathers and mothers to lead the way, who aren't afraid of words spoken behind the back, rather more afraid of the God who judges both the living and the dead.

May the Lord be merciful...and kind!  Slow to anger and rich in love.

Lost in Transgender?

This morning, I woke up with a deep sense that I desperately need God's wisdom.  I value education, workshops, books, but when it comes down to the crunch...especially in ministry, we need to rely heavily on wisdom that comes from our Eternal Creator Father God.


This post will come out of conversations that are now happening in regards to transgender issues.  Most people especially in the Church feel helplessly lost and alone with this issue,  I would dare say even within secular society and even in the LGBTQQ communities!  There has not been any long term case studies on transgender especially in the area of faith and so we can feel like we have no clue in regards to the roots of development or biological factors.


As I have been dialoguing about this, I then turn my gaze toward God.  I ask him the questions that I have.  "God, why are there no clear answers and if there are...can you show me?  Is this biological? Environmental?"

I sensed a bit of an answer the other day.  No neon light answer...but rather a deeper, quieter response back.  I sensed God say, "What if biology plays a role in this?  Did that mean I made a mistake?  Do you realize the state that everyone lives in?  Do you realize that you live in a fallen/broken world?  Could this extend to transgender issues?"  We concur that with homosexuality, biology does play a role, we would be ignorant if we didn't believe that we could be born with a sensitivity toward struggling with gender given our creative/sensitive/relational bent...and factoring in the environment, interactions with our family unit, peers, how our perceptions speak to us and other varying things...which can cause us to struggle with homosexuality.

Can this be said in regards to transgender issues?  I can look at my own life and see...yep, I was born with a more sensitive relational side to me which caused me to gravitate toward females (who relate and communicate more freely) and staying in this environment and considering interpretation and perceptions of my  parents, family, peers, began feeling like I was a mistake, born in the wrong body.  How come I couldn't be a girl like those I played with.  I clearly remember trying on my mothers wedding dress, wondering what it would be like to be a woman.  It excited me, caused me to begin to play with the notion that maybe I could one day.
Couple with the disassociation toward my male peers and my attraction to guys this propelled me to consume my thoughts with having  a sex change.  For years I thought that my issue was strictly homosexuality, but the more I remember of my past, and my behaviors, thoughts and actions, I realize that it is only by the grace of God that I did not have a gender reassignment surgery.  I know that even now, with much healing I still have the occasional thought of  "what would it be like?"  I realized in my healing that no matter what I decided, and if I went that route, it wouldn't give me long term happiness.  I may lead to happiness in the short term and it would fix the confusion on the outside but on the inside I'd still remain the same Kenny that I was born as.  My DNA says male...but what if tests showed that I had a hormone imbalance or missing this or that?  I'd still have been born male.  Many people can decide to switch this, live like that, but in reality we cannot change the blue print that God made when he designed and formatted us in our mother's womb.  Our body, our shape, our DNA points to a God who didn't screw up or make a mistake when he designed us.  He formed us, and said, this is good.  Living in a fallen, sinful world, we also know that we where born into sin.  There can be things that go wrong biologically, but does that mean we throw away our gender and decide to be something that will make it easier for us?  For me, if I think honestly about my life...I could say it would be easier to throw in the towel and be gay or transgendered...then I wouldn't have to deal with all the other deeper more meaningful stuff in my life.  It is tough sometimes, yet, life and learning to know the complexities of life and growth and maturity means that life is going to be hard sometimes...but we face this all with Christ walking alongside of us.  The Holy Spirit teaching and guiding us through our submission to the Lord.  Listening to the words of God affirming us in the created design he had for us when we were born male or female.

There is a lot written in the secular world which is creeping into the church in regards to transgender issues and development.  Much of it is affirming the reassignment surgery, that this is the answer to the confusion.  This issue is gaining momentum, gaining strength culturally.  I continue to think about this issue as it is very close to my heart.

I don't think we can discount that there are many factors that play a part in development of gender identity disorders.  As I see it, the factors are spiritual, biological, emotional and relational.  I believe that with all of us, the greatest gift God gave was giving us free will.  So that we aren't puppets, but rather we are free to decide and live how we want to live.  It's deciding how we live with that free will!  As we walk in relationship with Christ, as God's children, we mature, grow develop  and submit to His leadership in our lives.  Sometimes we don't like it right?  We fight with Him, we do things our way, we'd like to be our own boss sometimes, and yet we laid down that right when we submitted to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.  Like it or not, it has a cost.  I know that Gender matters.  It is very important to God and how we live it out is crucial to the world around us.  How we compliment each other as gender beings (male and females) is a great treasure, as it shows the world God's image in it's fullness.  Can we see, that if our gender was distorted or confused, it breaks down how we compliment each other.  It breaks down the image of God.


With all of this said, no one can "change" another persons mind on how they decide to live their life.  I'd love to be able to scream it out...that it really does matter, that our naturally born genders is very important, yet until God enlightens an individual and validates their birth gender nothing will change.  I know this to be true in my life.  Until I had an encounter with the Living God, I was blinded to the truth.  I didn't fully know the roots, the developmental or biological factors that played a part in my gender and sexuality, until I was enlightened by God.  It has cost me a lot, but I count it all loss for the gain of Christ and an eternal perspective of the decisions I make here and now have an effect later on.


So to each of you who may encounter someone who is deciding to follow a path that you totally don't understand, but you see heartache, brokenness because you've encountered God in a way that has changed your perspective, ask Him for Wisdom and Understanding that makes the wisdom of man look foolish.  Seek Him first.  Acknowledge Him and He will direct your steps.  Love those who have these deep struggles with gender and sexuality.  They need encounters with Jesus Christ!  Love like you've never loved before.  You don't need an answer to love others, you don't need cliches, you just need to be dependent of your Father who will give you all you need through the outpouring of the Holy Spirit which dwells within you.

Voices

I wanna write but feel like it will just come across as "BLAHS!"  So I'm refraining for a bit.  I'm a bit tired.  Tired of writing, speaking, sharing about same gender attraction.  Maybe a bit discouraged.  Not so much in the world around us...but in the body of Christ.  I am GRATEFUL for the many people who support us, love us, care for us...and get the importance of transparency and those voices are so needed.

...but right now...this is enough said...

He takes what is used!

 

He takes what is used

masked and well hidden

binds every chord

and nail deeply drive.

stanza taken from "It was no mistake" by Paula Warkentin

 

 

What happens when we don't see the fruit of our faithful prayers?  When the loved ones we so desparately pray for, seem so distant and far off?  When our minds go to "whats the use anyway?'

 

Our hearts become cold and indifferent and its now easy to turn our blame toward God and insist that He just hasn't done it to our satisfaction nor our liking.  Why is it so difficult?  Why isn't God answering?  WHY GOD WHY?

 

To be honest, I don't have the answer.  I'd like to think that no one has the answer, or at least not a pat answer to make someone who is in the place feel better.  I ponder this though, because I see prayers not answered all the time, or at least not the way we want them answered. 

 

God in his sovereignty is in control of everything.  He is the most powerful Creator that has ever existed and who will ever exist...for all eternity.  If we believe this, we can also believe that because of his sovereignty that everything passes through his hands.  Be it the good, bad and ugly.  Does it mean he is indifferent or uncaring?  Does it mean that he turns his eyes when bad things happen or when people make choices that are not the best ones to make? 

 

We all are a product of the fall.  We are born into sin.  So right from the beginning that is our inherent struggle.  Not so that we can make light of sin or blame something or someone else, but rather it's important to understand that to some degree, this is our human heritage.  Our flesh wages war with the spirit.  We do the things we don't want to do and we don't do the things we want to do.  Simple yet so complex in many ways.

 

Couple this with the cultural influences and the spirits and authorities that also wage war on our souls, we are fighting a bigger fight than maybe we even realize.  We fight this war in our own lives and for those we pray and fast for.  When our prayers seemingly do not go answered, the enemy can have a party with our mind and heart.  Bringing doubts that nothing is happening, that we are ineffective, that there must be something wrong with us, that God is silent and disinterested in our prayers or our loved one.  Our hearts can grow bitter, cold, angry toward God.

 

In reality...GOD IS NOT SILENT.  Everything passes through God's hands and so everything is purposeful...even the bad, horrible things that happen.  If he knows the number of stars, the amount of hair on our heads.  If he imagined us even before our parents ever did, do you not think he cares?  He is a just God who allows us to walk in the freedom of choice and free will, not wanting us to be robots or puppets in his hand, he gives us that freedom with hopes that when we reach maturity that we are sold out for his purposes in our lives and we serve him whole heartedly for the rest of our lives. 

 

Sound idealistic?  Euphoric even?  Maybe too good to be true?  For many of us, we struggle with emotioanal and relational deficits in our lives that  cause us to grow up with deep needs still unmet.  If we are not given the opportunity for God to come in and heal and fill those areas we will fill them ourselves.  With many things that are good for us, and many things that aren't.  If God isn't the center of that deficit, we miss the mark.    It's not so much that God is silent, rather we have taken our neediness into our own hands, numbing our emotions so that we have a very hard time hearing God and that still small voice speaking to us.

 

I can look at the many ways I silenced that voice in my life, the voice of my heavenly Father calling me, speaking to me, telling me truth about who I was as his son and my value and worth to him.  Rather than listen, I listened to myself, I listened to the enemy of my soul, the one who comes to kill and destroy, the one who prowls around like a hungry lion, waiting for someone to devour.  I got eaten, chewed up, and spit out...but I wasn't dead?  I felt dead, I acted dead, but I wasn't.  God was still speaking...and many people continued to pray...long and hard for me, not giving up, even though they may have felt like it.  I eventually heard his voice and he is now cleaning me up from years of yuck, grim and lies that were fed to me and ones I believed.

 

I continue to pray for friends, family and even those to whom I have never met who are caught up in identities and actions that are far from the best for them.  Who have been lied to, cheated, and robbed, not by God, but rather by an enemy who hates them.  I pray without ceasing and long for the day when one, two, three...and many more come to know who they truly are, loved sons and daughters of the most high King, the creator of everything.  That they know that nothing has been wasted and that God will and does use everything the enemy meant for harm...for HIS GOOD and for HIS GLORY.

 

Let's remember to keep praying, to keep fasting and keep believing God's promises are true, that He does answer prayer and that through Jesus, He does redeem lives.

 

James 5:16 (NLT)

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

 

 



Deficits?

Deficits?

If we stopped and took inventory what would we find?  In the physical, the material world, I can look and see that we own a home (well the bank owns most of it), a bit of money in the bank, clothes, furniture, art, toys, books, electronics, gardening supplies, decorating supplies, food, photos and odds and ends that encapsulate our life as individuals and as a couple and family.

We can look closer and see the deficits.  The lack of retirement savings due in part to poor investment planning and lifestyle choices prior to our marriage and choosing to be in full time ministry (raising our own support) and my wife staying home to look after our daughter doesn't help in the worldly standard of savings.  We can view this as a deficit.  We can look at our financial debts and our desire to get rid of them as huge obstacles.  We can also compare ourselves to the infamous Jones, and if focused on keeping up with them, we would fail miserably.

Thankfully, we've come to a place of reconciling ourselves to know that our Father will supply us our every need.  Do not be anxious of anything, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your steps.

This has been important for me this summer as everything started to break down in our home.  It seemed every time we got ahead financially, we'd be hit with an emergency repair or a bill or something that would set us back.  My secret thought that usually doesn't come out of my head was this "what have I done or not done that displeases God...because this must be his punishment to me?"  Interesting that this was my first and linger thought. 

Then I felt as if God prompted me to go to Philippians 4:6 and I was reminded again "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."

I began to see what was even more important.  All that he has done for me, for my wife and for so many other people that we know.

The most important thing that God did was that he made a way for me.  He made a way so that my debt would be erased.  Wiped clean.  He took all my gender insecurities, sexual sin, deviancy, lies, unfaithfulness, lack of trust and countless other things and he sent his son Jesus to bear everything, to carry the weight of it all and it cost Jesus EVERYTHING.  All my debt gone?  Maybe not in the physical, but in the spiritual realm, it is totally gone.  I am free of shame and guilt and able to walk in the grace, love and mercy of a loving and just Father.  Who could compare to him?  Nobody.  I am thankful even when we are in lack. 

At the moment we are car-less.  In this place I am called to be thankful.  That doesn't mean I have an easy time with not having a car, especially with all that God asks of us, but He makes a way and he knows our need.  He knew it even before we had the need.  I know the plans he has for us, to give us a hope and a future.  I know that He will supply our every need...even a vehicle to drive.  I keep seeing that God wants me to take my hands off trying to find one, trying to get one...and wait and see what only He can do.  For it isn't about me or us, it is rather about him and His glory being made manifest in and through our lives.  Every part of our lives. 

To the world, this attitude is foolish, but to the Lord it is wise and rich.  We truly are God's blessed children!

New Shoes

New Shoes - previously published in Christian Courier

The Lord spoke a profound word to me this past month, through a very innocent act done by my 2 ½ year old.  As I was getting ready to go out for a meeting my daughter brought me a pair of shoes.  She proudly carried them to my feet and promptly put them down right in front of me and said, “Daddy’s shoes?”

I looked down and didn’t see my shoes but the shoes of my wife.  Red wedges, definitely not mine.  Phoebe waited there patiently for me to put them on.  I told her that these shoes would not fit Daddy and that they weren’t mine but that they were Mommy’s.  She didn’t move.  I showed her as I slipped my bare feet into them that my feet were too big.  My toes fit, but my heels hung a good 3 inches off the back.  She stood smiling as I showed her that these were not a good fit.  Sure, I could walk in them and get around in them but they were not mine. 

I took them off, put them in the closet and grabbed my shoes and put them on, showing her that they fit my feet perfectly and that these were in fact Daddy’s shoes.  Little did Phoebe or I know the significance of her innocent action or what God would again remind me of later that week?  I left it at that and went to my meeting not thinking twice about those shoes or Phoebe’s insistence that those red wedges were Daddy’s. 

That week in Church I was playing the piano for the worship team and as we were singing I got a picture of those red wedges and my feet in them.  I was taken back a bit and kept playing but then felt the Lord say to me that He has given me new shoes, ones that fit my feet perfectly and that in these shoes I could stand upright, strong, a man capable of being a husband, father, brother and son.  I was reminded of the time when I used to wear shoes like that.  When my masculinity was so broken and my identity marred due to circumstances in my childhood.  I had always secretly hoped that I could eventually become a woman.  I was reminded of the times I used to wear my mom’s shoes, pretending to be just like her.  I wished that I could wear shoes like that without shame or fear of being ridiculed and called names.  I had always felt odd in my skin, in my gender and even though at the time I was comfortable being gay, my secret longing was that I could eventually have gender reassignment surgery and that would be the final answer for this empty feeling inside. 

God met me in a profound way which stopped that process from ever happening.  My masculinity and sense of gender healed through submitting my life over to God and for him to set things in order so that I could stand secure in whom I was clearly designed to be.  I am grateful to God as I look at my life and all that He has done and blessed me with.  To know that without him my life could have looked very different than what it is today.

Those shoes reminded me of my past, but the greater reminder was God saying that he has given me new shoes, a new identity, one that he had intended from the beginning when he knit me together in my mother’s womb.  These new shoes fit and the other ones never did.  No matter what I could do those red wedges would always be shoes that would never quite match the DNA of my feet.  I felt like God was speaking this as a reminder to me but also to all of us.  I walked many years in the wrong shoes, even though God had something better for me, but he has the same gift for all of us.  He calls each one of us to take off the shoes that don’t fit and allow Him to fit us with those perfect fitting shoes.  New shoes, ready for us to walk in the fullness of who we were created to be all along.  Are you ready to take off your shoes?  Because God, your Father who knew you before anyone else did is ready to fit you with ones that fit you perfectly.

Our Testimony...Poetic style

http://www.crosspowerministries.com/audio/15%20_007b_Kenny&PaulaWarkentin.mp3

Here is a clip of Paula and I sharing our testimony at the CrossPower Ministries Marriage Conference in 2010.

We have shared this in many locations...and are willing to come share it with your church community.

changing course

Today was a FULL day...long and packed with so much good stuff.  I will have to dig into the audio teachings after this.  WHEW! 
Did you know you can listen to our testimony on the 2010 conference track at www.crosspowerministries.org

There really is some pretty rich teachings. 

Today Patrick the head Pastor talked about how we got this way...so very different than what we probably think.  There are factors that intertwine in us that influence us in our growth as humans, and then there's the 'fall' into sin.  Yet we see generations before us walking it out...in great ways and not so great ways.  Do we see a legacy in our own lives?  What if we never see the legacy...or how we walk out our lives and the impact it has on others?  I prayed that today that I wouldn't be consumed with "who gets it and when" but rather, be faithful to what God has given me right now to be a good witness, and preach the gospel...and leave the rest up to him.

Eric...another pastor taught tonight on God's love for us...and the importance of brokenness.  Sometimes we get saved because we have an authentic experience, or we realize we don't want to go to hell, or that it's the right thing to do.  We can think...okay...did that...now I'm okay...and we begin to work for God rather than be loved and in love with God and know that it isn't what we do and how we serve or tithe or do missions, but rather, it's uncovering just how much God loves us...and has given us the holy spirit to live IN US.  I have heard this message before, but tonight it was a refresher...it spoke new things into my life...thank you Eric for obediently hearing from the Lord...you are a faithful friend.

Now...I am exhausted...and it's time for bed.  Another full day tomorrow...and then Church Sunday morning. 

It's also great...GREAT, to be here with 4 other couples from Manitoba.  Each of you are a gift and blessing...and God is doing great things in your hearts.

Hold Fast

Once again, I think about the cross where you died...I'm humbled by your mercy and I'm broken inside...once again I thank you, once again, I pour out my life...thank you for the cross, thank you for the cross.

It's only through the cross of Jesus that we have been reconciled to God.  Through this act of incomparable love and mercy through Jesus' death and resurrection, we can stand before our God and worship Him, praising all that he has done for us.

We're in Midland Texas at the CrossPower Marriage Conference and each year, I am caught off guard and surprised by how it impacts me.  The same each time.  I get off the plane and am instantaneously overwhelmed with emotion.  Quick...grab the sunglasses...!!  Maybe it's the air!

We know the reason.  We see men and women who have caught a glimpse of broken people seeking and fighting for their marriages, who are going counter cultural in their desire to walk in holiness.  It truly is magnificent...though not easy.  Marriage, isn't for the faint at heart and couple that with same sex attraction and many churches responses to that struggle, people can walk in great shame and hiddenness.  So this weekend is often quite overwhelming to have countless men and women serve each of us that come. 

In our walk we have experienced great friendship with others who walk similar paths with us, but we walk with those who don't and that is a great gift.  A gift that shows that we all have 'stuff' to deal with, and we all have the same marital 'issues' to some degree or other.  It's really not about the same gender stuff.  It is about relationship with God first and foremost and my relationship with my wife.  I am challenged like most men to initiate to know her heart, to seek it out and cherish it.  To stay emotionally connected and to serve her, like Christ. 

This weekend is a time of refreshment for our marriage, a time of strengthening and being poured into by others.  It is by far one of the greatest gifts that we cherish, especially in today's cultural changes in and out of the body of Christ.  We would often be classified as 'fools' as Mike said last night...but in reality, we're all fools.  We all look a bit foolish to the world...and some of us, even in the Church we look foolish.

This year our previous pastors Gerry and Sharon are here (from Soul).  They are here as mentors, as ones to be POURED into and we could not be more excited for them.  God has rich things in store for them.  I just have this feeling!

So excited of what God has in store for us this weekend.  Last night was great...and today...?  I'll try to post later. 

Home sweet home!

There's no place like home were the words spoken to me from the taxi driver as he drove me home early in the morning today.  It was good to be home, to see Paula, to be in her presence and to hug and play with Phoebe.  I hadn't seen them in a week and I was missing them.  Mid-week, what struck me was the sight of kids Phoebe's age running through the streets, in the midst of vehicles, dogs and it broke my heart.

This trip broke my heart in many ways.  When my brother and I were debriefing, I shared that it was definitely a trip that I will never forget and hope to do again.

For those who don't know, I went to cook for a group 45 people...who were going down to build two homes in Puerto Penasco Mexico.  It was a group of Grade 11 students (and leaders) from Calvin Christian School.  We went with an organization called Amor Ministries.  The students and leaders built two homes while we were down there.

My brother and I cooked for the group.  So we mainly stayed at the camp site...which was basically an open desert.  We had outhouses for banios and shower bags to shower in (if you had a chance to do that which we didn't), and no running waters, so it was hauling water, boiling it, sterilizing it.  Lots of work to do to feed the crew.  Getting up at 5 am and warming up...getting breakfast on by 715 so the kids could get out to build.  Then cleaning up and getting lunches going (refried bean wraps) and then delivering them to the sites.  That was our time to see the progress and see the area.  By the second day, I just wept.  I think the first day, I was just in shock.  With an unemployment rate of 65% or higher, it means a lot of despair and apathy.  Adults work where ever they can find work...and they work long hours.  Kids running around because most of them can't afford to go to school (you pay for schooling).  It was heart breaking.

But we saw hope in the midst of this.  One day a leader and I stood watching as my brother clowned and made balloon animals for the kids.  We wept as the kids laughed.  We gave extra food to those adults standing around, and we wept as they thanked us over and over again!  They didn't expect this.  I haven't cried that much in a long time.
When the houses were built...and let me just say...I wondered what they would be like...and they were mansions in comparison to homes in the area (the new homes with two rooms, the size of our living room, which would house at least 4 people).  During the house dedication when we dedicated the homes to the Glory of God we sang the doxology...and I actually couldn't sing, as the single mother of 3 hid her face in her hands...tears rolled down most of our faces...and I just couldn't sing!  The emotions flooded over me.  Here in this small two room dwelling, with no furniture, no "western luxuries" was a home.  Not just a house but a home were a mother could have some hope for a future.  She knew Jesus and thanked each one of us with a tight hug.  We then gave her two large boxes of food, that was purchases through the donations of the group.  These were very large boxes of groceries.  (my brother and I got to purchase the food...and I was responsible for this home)  I prayed as I picked up the food, asking the Holy Spirit to feed this family with deep wisdom and understanding.  That the holy spirit would raise up this family in their community.  It was an experience that I will NEVER forget.

I don't know if you can ever be the same again.  My heart is heavy...especially as it pertains to things of relativity.  My brother and I talked about that to some degree as we debriefed on our way to Phoenix.  Our poverty is so different in many respects.  What my thought was...is how do we help those around us in need?  Be that emotional, spiritual and or physical? I really sensed Papa speaking to my heart about my own life...and those I work with...those who often carry a deep hurt or poverty in their hearts about their worth and the fact they are loved.  At one point I was sharing my story with one of the leaders and we had just seen a row of run down shacks and right ahead of us was rows of high end resorts and condos.  I shared that for many people they feel like the derelict rows of houses...run down, on the peripheral of those who are "perfect" in the church.  Those who's lives appear to be all together, like those high end condos and resorts, yet are they?  Where do those who live in the shacks fit in?  Do they fit in my church, your church?

I'm not even sure what more to write about?  I can look at our need...and say there is some desperation in our need...yet in retrospect...there are others in far worse situations that us.  Yet, I know our need!  Does that make sense?  I know our need for a new roof...when their are leaks in the ceiling.  I know our need for some foundation work when there are leaks in the basement.  But what does one do?  My decision after this trip is no less solidified.  But one thing is for sure, is that I pray.  I pray and seek God to supply all our needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.  I pray and serve those who are less fortunate than myself, especially those who feel like they are on the margins of the Church.  Those who really don't feel they belong.  I want them to know Jesus loves them with abandon.  I want them to experience Jesus in the way Jesus wants to meet them.  I need to examine my life...and see how to cut corners, how to do without some of the things that I think I need or want when in reality, they aren't that important anyways.  It will be a challenge but after seeing what I saw in Mexico, how can I not?  Lord have your way in my heart!

Above all, my hope someday is that we realize that every decision that we make has impact.  Every decision no matter how big or small makes a difference in someones life.  I want to begin to see that in my own life in new and greater ways. 

I was informed today that an old friend of mine passed away.  My heart is heavy.  She was a vibrant and cheerful friend.  I had not spoken with her for several years, mostly due in part to choices that I had made in my life.  It was a friendship that I had hoped to re-kindle and prayed that it would.  I remember when I was going through some really tough relational decisions that she would hug me and tell me it was going to be okay.  When she would validate my tears of disappointment, not expecting me to feel anything different.

Today, she isn't here anymore.  Her life on earth is gone and with that is now the memories of who she was to many people.  I heard she was a faithful reader of my blog.  She didn't always agree with things I wrote, but she read my posts.  I wish that we could have been in contact so we could have talked one on one regarding what I write about.  That in the midst of our differences, she had value and was loved!  I will miss her terribly and am saddened that we did not get a chance to talk in recent years. 

May the Lord comfort those who are missing her today, may the Lord catch each and every tear, and may those who grieve be comforted!

Sweet friend, these petals are for you, for you were cherished and loved. 

LET GO!

I was listening to a presentation done by someone who was sharing about the loss of their child due to a murder.  She talked about letting go and specifically 15 things that she learnt.  What struck me was as she shared was the similarities to my own journey with same sex attraction. 

I want to re-write them in a way that makes sense to my journey in hopes that it strikes a chord in someone else.  How often in our life journey do we really acknowledge the hard stuff.  The continued struggle with sanctification and letting go of the past.

When I walked away, I had to leave behind a lot.  For most people this kind of leaving behind doesn’t happen.  They don’t have to take drastic steps and so in my own process, I went through a lot of grieving.  Coming to really authentically walk through all the stages of grief was important to me. 

I needed to let go…

1.                  Of finding a happy ending to my story.   I had found Christ, but I had to let go of what my life would look like.  I had to let go of the happily ever after expectations, that if I let go of being gay that I would one day have no more struggle with same sex attraction, that I would find a wife and have a big family.  That life would somehow look perfect if I could just get rid of this same sex stuff.

2.                  Of fear.  Fear that would keep me bound.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear that in my healing journey that I would fall sexually with someone.  That someone would take advantage of me and cross my healthy boundaries.  That I would never have healthy male friends.  Fear that if I talked about my journey within the body of Christ that I would be rejected…considered an untouchable.

3.                  Of my grief and learn to laugh again.  I had to learn to enjoy life.  I was saying no to a lot of things.  I was grieving the loss of friends, family and security and memories with a partner.  I grieved the loss of pets that I had.  It as pretty hard for me at times.  Sometimes I actually felt crippled with grief.  In the process I had to begin to say yes to good things.  Yes, to life giving decisions which would bring joy and laughter back into my life.  I find this an on going process.

4.                  Ego.  The need to defend myself.  I had to let go of the protective wall around my heart.  The defensive mechanisms that would keep me away from others.  I had to allow people in and allow the walls to come down so people could see the real Kenny.

5.                  Narrow Faith.  I had somehow thought that life was a certain way in regards to faith.  That somehow if you struggled you were actually sinning.  I entered into this wide path of amazing love and grace.  Captured by the beauty of Christ, welcoming me into his arms of love.  It opened my eyes to a much larger and loving Jesus.  Even though for a lot of aspects my journey is on a very narrow path, my faith has opened like green pastures and I can run like a wild horse within the bounds of Jesus’ love.

6.                  Old me and make peace with my new identity.  Wow this one struck me.  Yes, I had to let go of the old Kenn.  The gay Kenn…and embrace the new Kenny.  Even adding a y on the end of my name was symbolic to a more intimate Kenn.  One of childlike faith.  I needed to let the old Kenn die and make peace with the creative, gifted, compassionate Kenny, walking in integrity, respect for myself and others.

7.                  Expectations, that life is fair.  This too was very challenging.  For instance, letting go of a home that I owned, security in the future.  Entitlement!  I had to lay that down and let go of the expectation that if I came back to God…everything would be easy and life would some how be fair all the time.  I know that ultimately God is in control and life isn’t fair all the time, but God is still God and his love never changes.  He is showing me that He is my provision and He cares for me.  He doesn’t promise life will be perfect and that I wouldn’t see hardship…on the contrary.  He promises that He will never leave me nor forsake me and that He will be there throughout the storms and trials.

8.                  My guilt.  That I could have done things differently.  That I could have made better choices and decisions in life.  That if I had done things differently than life would be easier now.  My guilt needs to go.

9.                  My need to know…all the answers to all my questions.  Why do I still struggle?  Why did we lose babies?  Why can’t it somehow be easier?  My need to know all the answers…I needed to learn to live in a life with tension and be okay in this place.

10.              Rage.  I needed to let go of my anger.  My obsession to seek out revenge on numerous people.  The bullies in school…the endless taunting, those who took advantage of me…sexually, those who refused to respect me, those who ultimately stole my entitled share.  I could let rage be my friend and yet, I needed to forgive and let rest.  I had to acknowledge first that the rage had legitimacy but I couldn’t let it rule me or rest in my heart.  That would have killed me.  Instead, it is a constant surrender at the cross. 

11.              Obsession with offender.  This one I had to tweak and say obsession with my past life.  Obsession with my ex partner, what is his life looking like.  (most of this due in part with the issue with our house split)  I had to lay it down.  It doesn’t mean it never comes up.  Sure it does.  I’m human and with that comes fleshy thoughts and sinful attitudes.  I need to give it over again to Jesus who is my advocate and the perfect friend.

12.              Need for perfect justice.  This correlates with  number 11.

13.              Dream of closure, live in the now.  Oh yes, my closure isn’t until heaven.  But I need to live in the now.  Live in the every day moments of what is going on now.  Live in the joys of today.  God has granted so much more than I had ever hoped or imagined.  Seriously, nearly 35 years of struggle…8 of those years I lived openly as gay…so I didn’t consider that a struggle, yet there was tension in the mix.  I now realize that there is no closure in the flesh, yet there is some closure in the spiritual.  Jesus has somehow done something in my heart that is so different than what I had for the past 35 years.  He is increasingly putting in joy and anticipation.  He is increasing and I am decreasing.  It is living in the reality that I will probably always struggle to some degree with same sex attraction, but authentically, I am way beyond that defining me and keeping me in a box.

14.              Hope of peace and reconciliation.  I regard this as my hope of peace and reconciliation with certain people who are not in the space for relationship.  Who have decided to end relationships because of my faith and their decisions to be gay identified.  I love and accept them, but they have choices that they can make to be at peace and be reconciled with me and so for right now, I have to rely and trust in God for them.  There are those whom I cannot reconcile with, those whom I would love to have relationship with, but for me at this point in my life, it wouldn't be healthy for me, nor my family. 

15.              Right to feel sorry for myself.  I had to let go of the entitlement that I had this right.  That I was so hard done by.  That if my life would only have had a better beginning that it would be far better right now.  I had to give up feeling sorry for myself and actually live.  I had to do love…and fill myself with positive emotions and allow that to come in play with those in my life.  I am a far happier person since doing this.  It is actually letting it all go…and living with eyes wide open and a heart ready to love…because I have had love extended toward me by my heavenly Father.  His love is immeasurable.

 These are just a few things that I have had to let go of.  It is constantly being updated, reloaded, re thought.  That is the process we all go through.  What things are we holding onto...that Jesus may be saying..."hey let go...and let's see what will happen...remember I have your back!"