I have been back now for a few weeks now...17 days!
I seem so far removed from the Exodus experience and yet I can vividly remember times of worship and times connecting with people that where there. My questions since being back...are can I really do this? Yes, only with the strength of God, only with submitting everything to him who gives me strength. To allow myself to receive God's love. I was told there would be spiritual warfare when I returned. Especially since I am blogging, my story. I have said that I was going to be open and transparent...there is a price to pay for that transparency.
Since being back, I have been told that I am gay and to deal with that. I can't accept that statement. I am not gay, that was not God's intention for me when he created me.
I read Psalms 16:7 I will praise the Lord who counsels me, even at night my heart instructs me
Then Psalms 17 reads...though you probe my heart and examine me at night, though you test me, you will find nothing. I have resolved that my mouth will not sin.
That is an incredibly deep verse. God probes our heart and examines us at night, while we sleep. He tests us and he will find nothing (thanks to the cross), and resolving that our mouths will not sin. What comes from our mouths is so important. I remember reading the 4 agreements by a native american author and spiritualist and he comments on the value of our words that come out of our mouths. That thinking first is a good thing. It could save us a lot of trouble.
So I ponder that verse and speak it over my life. That God would probe my heart and examine me at night and he will find nothing. I resolve that my mouth will not sin.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Leaving the mountains of North Carolina
Leaving the Blue Mountains today-incredible beginning of a life long journey. Who am I to question the goodness and awesome power of God. To transform lives for His Glory. It's for His Glory!
I have been refreshed-I have touched the garment of the Lord.
I leave with the knowledge that yes, this will be difficult at times. It will be a struggle and I will be tempted to walk in my old paths, that I layed out for myself 8 years ago...(even longer if I think about it).
But...
I will sing a new song! A song of redemption, grace, peace and joy. When the man involved in ministry prayed for me and told me I have a calling, and then another woman told me yesterday that while we where worshiping, she said she was waiting for me to go and dance in front of the group (what in front of 1200 people!!!). Such a tremendous feeling of holding back, but every part of my insides wanted to. I wanted to dance...and worship and just go crazy, yet I was holding back. I realized that is what I do in my life. I hold back. I hold back my emotions, my thoughts, my spirit. That way, I am protected and no one really notices.
The Lord spoke...to me at that revelation. "why are you ashamed to look foolish infront of man?"
Why couldn't I immediately do what the spirit inside wanted me to do? Why couldn't I just run up and dance especially when deep down, I wanted so desperately to do so. To proclaim that I was not ashamed and didn't care if anyone saw me worshiping or dancing. It goes to the image of the cloth, billowing around and I am running praising God in amongst the cloth. Proclaiming his awesome goodness to me.
So...I did go up, and danced. Not worrying about those around me. I closed my eyes and felt the presence of the Lord all around. It was life! It felt for a moment that I was the only person there, worshiping my Kind of Glory.
These things I know to be true...
I am not alone
I have purpose
My life is for God's glory
I will never be the same
I am called to speak and not be silent
I am calling into community
So as we leave and the drive back from Asheville to Charlotte was calm and beautiful, and I sat in awe of the scenery, really stunning, but not as green as British Columbia, but more dense.
We talked about what to expect now that the conference is over and yes, the spiritual attack is understandable. I found being in Chicago and seeing so many gay people everywhere you looked...a bit hard. It was weird that everytime I turned around there was this guy or that guy and you knew exactly...gaydar doesn't vanish!
So what begins now that Exodus is over. Now it is stepping into the promise land. It's wading into the river to the other side, and the truth that I will not drown, I will not be washed away by the waves. That God is for me and not against me. That He is good. No longer to be subject to the yoke of slavery. What an immense promise.
My desire when back is to find a church community that I can serve in. There are a few that I attend to try and get the feel for community. Direct my path Lord, in where you want me to be. This week I have understood my own selfishness in areas of my life. I was really encouraged by Mike's testimony of serving to find healing. In speaking out my story and the power of your testimony, to encourage and bless...and what does bless mean again? To ask God to change that person's heart.
It's time for the church to awake. To see and hear the truth of change. Prepare me to be able to give my testimony. To tell it the way you would want me to tell it, realizing the truth needs to be told.
Protect those of us Lord who are willing! Ready? Not sure when you are fully ready to tell the story? When is it advisable? Open the doors!
I got this image of a play...a drama...and it was like my life flashed before me...
there is a blackened stage...it is quiet.
a spot appears stage left
a voice speaks...
"Look it's the sissy...sissy boy"
A boy appears in the spot looking around, trying to appear composed.
He walks off stage
a voice speaks
"fairy"
the boy appears in the spot with backpack on, noticably heavy, sullen (maybe with the words sissy, fairy, hanging from the backpack) He walks off.
a voice speaks
"gay"
boy appears-back pack heavier now and he walks off
a voice speaks
"fag"
boy appears-back pack heavier (words sissy, fairy, gay, fag, hanging from the backpack) he walks off
A voice Yells out
"FAGGOT"
The boy appears and the backpack is so heavy and the boy is in tears, he stand there, not knowing what to do,
then music starts to play. Soft at first and then increasing, disco music, he starts to smile, his feet moving a little,
a guy comes in and starts to dance with the boy, the man takes the backpack off and they dance. After they dance, the man puts the backpack back on...
the boy hears the words...sissy, fairy, gay, fag, faggot, from backstage.
boy collapses
man comes on and the music starts, this time more wild, fast. He takes the boys backpack off and grabs the boy and yanks him around, then aggressively places the backpack back on. The boy falls to his knees and there is a pause, no music, no sound, a look of pain and torment, the words come now fast and furious, sissy, fairy, gay, fag, faggot and then a man walks on stage. The sound of whips and screams, moans are heard intermingled with the other words. Each time the whip sound is heard the man falls down, then the pounding of nails, crying, then silence. The man frozen in space. The man walks to the boy and gently takes the back pack and places it on his back...and reaches out to the boy and he takes the man's hand, the man embraces the boy....stage darkens.
okay, have to work on the concept, but the truth to that powerful in my life...even the symbolism of the backpack. I remember once going to the chiropractor and he said, I should stop wearing a backpack...okay, God even speaks through the chiropractor. (a good laugh at that)
I have been refreshed-I have touched the garment of the Lord.
I leave with the knowledge that yes, this will be difficult at times. It will be a struggle and I will be tempted to walk in my old paths, that I layed out for myself 8 years ago...(even longer if I think about it).
But...
I will sing a new song! A song of redemption, grace, peace and joy. When the man involved in ministry prayed for me and told me I have a calling, and then another woman told me yesterday that while we where worshiping, she said she was waiting for me to go and dance in front of the group (what in front of 1200 people!!!). Such a tremendous feeling of holding back, but every part of my insides wanted to. I wanted to dance...and worship and just go crazy, yet I was holding back. I realized that is what I do in my life. I hold back. I hold back my emotions, my thoughts, my spirit. That way, I am protected and no one really notices.
The Lord spoke...to me at that revelation. "why are you ashamed to look foolish infront of man?"
Why couldn't I immediately do what the spirit inside wanted me to do? Why couldn't I just run up and dance especially when deep down, I wanted so desperately to do so. To proclaim that I was not ashamed and didn't care if anyone saw me worshiping or dancing. It goes to the image of the cloth, billowing around and I am running praising God in amongst the cloth. Proclaiming his awesome goodness to me.
So...I did go up, and danced. Not worrying about those around me. I closed my eyes and felt the presence of the Lord all around. It was life! It felt for a moment that I was the only person there, worshiping my Kind of Glory.
These things I know to be true...
I am not alone
I have purpose
My life is for God's glory
I will never be the same
I am called to speak and not be silent
I am calling into community
So as we leave and the drive back from Asheville to Charlotte was calm and beautiful, and I sat in awe of the scenery, really stunning, but not as green as British Columbia, but more dense.
We talked about what to expect now that the conference is over and yes, the spiritual attack is understandable. I found being in Chicago and seeing so many gay people everywhere you looked...a bit hard. It was weird that everytime I turned around there was this guy or that guy and you knew exactly...gaydar doesn't vanish!
So what begins now that Exodus is over. Now it is stepping into the promise land. It's wading into the river to the other side, and the truth that I will not drown, I will not be washed away by the waves. That God is for me and not against me. That He is good. No longer to be subject to the yoke of slavery. What an immense promise.
My desire when back is to find a church community that I can serve in. There are a few that I attend to try and get the feel for community. Direct my path Lord, in where you want me to be. This week I have understood my own selfishness in areas of my life. I was really encouraged by Mike's testimony of serving to find healing. In speaking out my story and the power of your testimony, to encourage and bless...and what does bless mean again? To ask God to change that person's heart.
It's time for the church to awake. To see and hear the truth of change. Prepare me to be able to give my testimony. To tell it the way you would want me to tell it, realizing the truth needs to be told.
Protect those of us Lord who are willing! Ready? Not sure when you are fully ready to tell the story? When is it advisable? Open the doors!
I got this image of a play...a drama...and it was like my life flashed before me...
there is a blackened stage...it is quiet.
a spot appears stage left
a voice speaks...
"Look it's the sissy...sissy boy"
A boy appears in the spot looking around, trying to appear composed.
He walks off stage
a voice speaks
"fairy"
the boy appears in the spot with backpack on, noticably heavy, sullen (maybe with the words sissy, fairy, hanging from the backpack) He walks off.
a voice speaks
"gay"
boy appears-back pack heavier now and he walks off
a voice speaks
"fag"
boy appears-back pack heavier (words sissy, fairy, gay, fag, hanging from the backpack) he walks off
A voice Yells out
"FAGGOT"
The boy appears and the backpack is so heavy and the boy is in tears, he stand there, not knowing what to do,
then music starts to play. Soft at first and then increasing, disco music, he starts to smile, his feet moving a little,
a guy comes in and starts to dance with the boy, the man takes the backpack off and they dance. After they dance, the man puts the backpack back on...
the boy hears the words...sissy, fairy, gay, fag, faggot, from backstage.
boy collapses
man comes on and the music starts, this time more wild, fast. He takes the boys backpack off and grabs the boy and yanks him around, then aggressively places the backpack back on. The boy falls to his knees and there is a pause, no music, no sound, a look of pain and torment, the words come now fast and furious, sissy, fairy, gay, fag, faggot and then a man walks on stage. The sound of whips and screams, moans are heard intermingled with the other words. Each time the whip sound is heard the man falls down, then the pounding of nails, crying, then silence. The man frozen in space. The man walks to the boy and gently takes the back pack and places it on his back...and reaches out to the boy and he takes the man's hand, the man embraces the boy....stage darkens.
okay, have to work on the concept, but the truth to that powerful in my life...even the symbolism of the backpack. I remember once going to the chiropractor and he said, I should stop wearing a backpack...okay, God even speaks through the chiropractor. (a good laugh at that)
July 23rd, 2005 God speaks
Today was the end of Exodus, but the continuation of a journey, that I am so looking forward in. A newness. I cannot comment on the service tonight...there are no words to describe the communion service. I was moved to tears throughout the service. When the man played the flute...and there wasn't a physical flute to be seen...I get goosebumps still. When the flags came down the isle and they where waved over our heads...these flags with fire colors on them and a lion head...ah....have to stop there! My words will not do it justice...a little tiny glimpse of the glory land!
This is what I heard....
Kenn
I, God almighty loves you. I adore you even before you were born. I knew you. I knew you before the earth was formed. You, I am pleased with. The work I have started in you, I WILL COMPLETE FOR MY GLORY. Remember, I am with you. My rod and staff comfort you. I will lead you beside quiet waters and give you rest. Don't strive all the time, I don't care. I love you for who you arenow, this very minute, second. I pour out my healing water, drink from me when you are thirsty and I will give you peace, joy, love, peace, peace. Kenn, I love you, my precious child.
Abba.
This is what I heard....
Kenn
I, God almighty loves you. I adore you even before you were born. I knew you. I knew you before the earth was formed. You, I am pleased with. The work I have started in you, I WILL COMPLETE FOR MY GLORY. Remember, I am with you. My rod and staff comfort you. I will lead you beside quiet waters and give you rest. Don't strive all the time, I don't care. I love you for who you arenow, this very minute, second. I pour out my healing water, drink from me when you are thirsty and I will give you peace, joy, love, peace, peace. Kenn, I love you, my precious child.
Abba.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
July 23, 2005....3 a.m. way...late...
3 am.....came in from a great dinner out. Nine of us, talking about life. Then after the meal, the guys went to Batman...and it was awesome. After the movie we went and talked at the local watering hole. It was good. Again, sometimes I just laughed so hard and some times, the past was way to present! It was a bit hard sometimes to take and realizing that was tough to take at times. I've been silent...and silent for way too long. God call me out of the silence. One of the ladies tonight talked about that as well. It was learning about her own silence and the steps to free her of that. In asking questions and keeping a conversation going. That's what I need-to learn to initiate conversation and keep it going. But I am also encouraged and am feeling good about where I am at in life.
Tye and I climbed to the top of Rattlesnake Summit. It was a great climb...a few rocky sections. How appropriate to climb to the top this week...my first mountain top experience. Tye has started back down and I stood on top, and reached out my right hand and allowed God to grasp my right hand. I thanked God for the experience and I asked God to reveal the symbolism of the climbing and being on the top and then climbing down.
There was gentle areas then quite rocky and then steep...then you hit a plateau and the trail would widen....then it would narrow again. Then at the top it was quite rocky and you could see for miles. It was beautiful.
I pray Lord for a peaceful sleep, speak to me in my dreams and visions. Continue to work in my heart, I give you my thoughts and desires.
oh...I spotted a orange spotted gecko...the body was brown and the spots orange. Anyone know what kind of gecko it was. It was CUTE!
Tye and I climbed to the top of Rattlesnake Summit. It was a great climb...a few rocky sections. How appropriate to climb to the top this week...my first mountain top experience. Tye has started back down and I stood on top, and reached out my right hand and allowed God to grasp my right hand. I thanked God for the experience and I asked God to reveal the symbolism of the climbing and being on the top and then climbing down.
There was gentle areas then quite rocky and then steep...then you hit a plateau and the trail would widen....then it would narrow again. Then at the top it was quite rocky and you could see for miles. It was beautiful.
I pray Lord for a peaceful sleep, speak to me in my dreams and visions. Continue to work in my heart, I give you my thoughts and desires.
oh...I spotted a orange spotted gecko...the body was brown and the spots orange. Anyone know what kind of gecko it was. It was CUTE!
Friday, July 22, 2005
July 22, 2005, can it be Friday already? and laying down the nets
I can't believe it is Friday. It seems like just yesterday that we came and now we have two days left. I woke up...and proclaimed, God's mercy is new every morning. I was tired, exhausted and feeling a little down. Feeling a bit pessimistic. But I proclaimed that I want this process. I want to enter into the "set apart" stage. To know that God has Good for me and not death. That my life "out" of the lifestyle would be just as amazing as my life "in" the lifestyle. that I would experience even more joy and love, peace and goodness. That the blessings of the Lord would encompass my ever daily walk.
Psalms 11:1
In the Lord I take refuge. How then can you say to me "Flee like a bird to your mountain."
Psalms 15
honor those who fear the Lord. Who keeps his oath even when it hurts.
Make these truths go down deep in my HEART. Make them be heart knowledge, not just head knowledge. Draw me deeper into your love.
Later in the morning, during worship, I saw a vision of Jesus, sitting and a woman came and sat beside him and pinched a piece of his robe and she was healed. God then said- "How much more I want to give you. That you don't deserve just a pinch- but that you deserve to be gathered into my cloth of healing. How much more healing he wants to pour out to me. If you are healed with just a pinch of his robe...how much more he gives when you are wrapped up in his robe. I wept. Tears of sorrow, tears of joy, tears of pure love.
I am desperate for you-
and I, am desperate for you
and I love you Lord
I love you Lord
I love you lord,
I want to be like the woman desperate for healing.
a little bit later....
i got the image of the cleaning lady coming in to clean house. But before she comes you frantically clean your house, so the cleaner doesn't see the "real" mess!
God sees our mess! Why try and clean the mess in your life...heart...soul...before He comes to clean. He wants ALL THE MESS!!
God is calling me to pursue his calling. To follow his examples and to join his group.
God calls us to lay down the nets. When Jesus walked to the disciples he told them to lay down their nets and follow him. If you look at the nets as being things that hold us back. Things in our life that God wants us to lay down. Then you have to ask yourself...."what are the nets in my life?" What are thos things that I am not so willing to let go of!
For me it is
SILENCE
FEELINGS OF UNWORTHINESS
ANGER
UNFORGIVENESS
SELF PRESERVATION
So I have to ask myself....again? WHAT WILL IT LOOK LIKE IF I LOSE IT? What will it look like if I lay down my nets.
So today, July 22nd, I give it to God. My net full of all the things that have been my false sense of security. The things that really are so unimportant but things that the enemy has said I have to hold on to or I will perish and be crushed.
It truly is amazing how God is revealing his truths to me. How he is showing me the sorrow he feels for me. The eternal love of the Father. It is quite amazing his love.
We had one of the key note speakers talk about the story of Mordecai and Esther and their relationship. How Mordecai, waited for Esther at the gate for 12 months while she got her make over...in order for her to be seen by the King.
I realized that the Mordecai in my life has been the man who has prayed for me, waited for me to return and who welcomed me back to the fold with open arms. Who has shown me the heart of God. He knows who he is...and I thanked him today. For standing, waiting at the gate! I thanked God for that revelation and truth. I am beginning to see the truths unfold before my eyes. The blinders are continuing to fall off. I want transformation and it is beginning. It is a life long journey.
Psalms 11:1
In the Lord I take refuge. How then can you say to me "Flee like a bird to your mountain."
Psalms 15
honor those who fear the Lord. Who keeps his oath even when it hurts.
Make these truths go down deep in my HEART. Make them be heart knowledge, not just head knowledge. Draw me deeper into your love.
Later in the morning, during worship, I saw a vision of Jesus, sitting and a woman came and sat beside him and pinched a piece of his robe and she was healed. God then said- "How much more I want to give you. That you don't deserve just a pinch- but that you deserve to be gathered into my cloth of healing. How much more healing he wants to pour out to me. If you are healed with just a pinch of his robe...how much more he gives when you are wrapped up in his robe. I wept. Tears of sorrow, tears of joy, tears of pure love.
I am desperate for you-
and I, am desperate for you
and I love you Lord
I love you Lord
I love you lord,
I want to be like the woman desperate for healing.
a little bit later....
i got the image of the cleaning lady coming in to clean house. But before she comes you frantically clean your house, so the cleaner doesn't see the "real" mess!
God sees our mess! Why try and clean the mess in your life...heart...soul...before He comes to clean. He wants ALL THE MESS!!
God is calling me to pursue his calling. To follow his examples and to join his group.
God calls us to lay down the nets. When Jesus walked to the disciples he told them to lay down their nets and follow him. If you look at the nets as being things that hold us back. Things in our life that God wants us to lay down. Then you have to ask yourself...."what are the nets in my life?" What are thos things that I am not so willing to let go of!
For me it is
SILENCE
FEELINGS OF UNWORTHINESS
ANGER
UNFORGIVENESS
SELF PRESERVATION
So I have to ask myself....again? WHAT WILL IT LOOK LIKE IF I LOSE IT? What will it look like if I lay down my nets.
So today, July 22nd, I give it to God. My net full of all the things that have been my false sense of security. The things that really are so unimportant but things that the enemy has said I have to hold on to or I will perish and be crushed.
It truly is amazing how God is revealing his truths to me. How he is showing me the sorrow he feels for me. The eternal love of the Father. It is quite amazing his love.
We had one of the key note speakers talk about the story of Mordecai and Esther and their relationship. How Mordecai, waited for Esther at the gate for 12 months while she got her make over...in order for her to be seen by the King.
I realized that the Mordecai in my life has been the man who has prayed for me, waited for me to return and who welcomed me back to the fold with open arms. Who has shown me the heart of God. He knows who he is...and I thanked him today. For standing, waiting at the gate! I thanked God for that revelation and truth. I am beginning to see the truths unfold before my eyes. The blinders are continuing to fall off. I want transformation and it is beginning. It is a life long journey.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
July 21st, 2005 The Father Wound
Today was the Father wound. So many times I have wrestled with the issue of my father wound. Now first and formost, I love my dad. He did all he could when he raised me. I relish my time with my dad, and enjoy his company.
My image of God, when I was young, was that he just wasn't there. During the workshop the speaker asked us to come up for prayer if we thought that this father wound hit a cord in us. Well, I went up. As the front became increasingly crowded and so the speaker said that it would not be possible for everyone to get prayed for but to allow God to minister to us...that is really the most important thing. So I waited for God and when I do, I am usually not disappointed. Immediately I felt tears swell up and I just allowed the tears to flow. I felt the presence of God holding me as a father would. Then the speaker spoke these two words...tender warrior. Instantly I gasped for air...it spoke directly to my soul.
I have been holding back the tears of pain all conference, thinking if I let any out I would collapes, everyone would hear me and I'd just wail, moan, snot haning out of my nose, why can't I just let all the pain and sorrow go? I allowed some out after the workshop and then composed myself and walked back to my room to just be by myself for a while.
Later, the guys talked so much about the past and joked about the gay lifestyle...lots of laughter. It was refreshing to not take it so seriously all the time. But it felt strange. Probably because here were guys who have been dealing with this issue for 10 or more years...and to laugh must be so healing. It was so comfortable. It almost reminded me of being out with my gay friends but the difference was the conversation always came back to God and how he was working in someones life.
I wonder how many people have fallen this week? Some guys look at you a certain way, almost like they are eyeing you up and I have eyed some guys up! It's hard. I prayed the prayer of my youth...Oh, God take it away! I wonder about the men here...the majority are men. I wonder what their hearts are like. Are they still pure? I want transparency. I want my testimony to be my acknowledgement of God's love for me. I want people to see what God is doing in my life. I don't want it to known that Kenn just falls all the time. Just because I am attracted to someone does not mean I fall to temptation or sin.
So this evening I saw a picture of me sitting with a man with my arm around his shoulder and I am reading the Bible. I asked the man who did the workshop on the father wound to pray for me. While he prayed he said he saw a calling on my life. He didn't know what it was but it was all over me. He prayed for the gifts to be brought forth. That the words tender warrior would be side by side. I want the challenge of a pure life, but I am scared, very scared to fall.
"Blessed is Kenn who has regard for the weak for the Lord delivers Kenn in times of trouble. I love you God...watch over me and keep me safe. Let me heal, grow and learn to be open and to talk. Teach me to talk!
My image of God, when I was young, was that he just wasn't there. During the workshop the speaker asked us to come up for prayer if we thought that this father wound hit a cord in us. Well, I went up. As the front became increasingly crowded and so the speaker said that it would not be possible for everyone to get prayed for but to allow God to minister to us...that is really the most important thing. So I waited for God and when I do, I am usually not disappointed. Immediately I felt tears swell up and I just allowed the tears to flow. I felt the presence of God holding me as a father would. Then the speaker spoke these two words...tender warrior. Instantly I gasped for air...it spoke directly to my soul.
I have been holding back the tears of pain all conference, thinking if I let any out I would collapes, everyone would hear me and I'd just wail, moan, snot haning out of my nose, why can't I just let all the pain and sorrow go? I allowed some out after the workshop and then composed myself and walked back to my room to just be by myself for a while.
Later, the guys talked so much about the past and joked about the gay lifestyle...lots of laughter. It was refreshing to not take it so seriously all the time. But it felt strange. Probably because here were guys who have been dealing with this issue for 10 or more years...and to laugh must be so healing. It was so comfortable. It almost reminded me of being out with my gay friends but the difference was the conversation always came back to God and how he was working in someones life.
I wonder how many people have fallen this week? Some guys look at you a certain way, almost like they are eyeing you up and I have eyed some guys up! It's hard. I prayed the prayer of my youth...Oh, God take it away! I wonder about the men here...the majority are men. I wonder what their hearts are like. Are they still pure? I want transparency. I want my testimony to be my acknowledgement of God's love for me. I want people to see what God is doing in my life. I don't want it to known that Kenn just falls all the time. Just because I am attracted to someone does not mean I fall to temptation or sin.
So this evening I saw a picture of me sitting with a man with my arm around his shoulder and I am reading the Bible. I asked the man who did the workshop on the father wound to pray for me. While he prayed he said he saw a calling on my life. He didn't know what it was but it was all over me. He prayed for the gifts to be brought forth. That the words tender warrior would be side by side. I want the challenge of a pure life, but I am scared, very scared to fall.
"Blessed is Kenn who has regard for the weak for the Lord delivers Kenn in times of trouble. I love you God...watch over me and keep me safe. Let me heal, grow and learn to be open and to talk. Teach me to talk!
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
july 20th, 2005 We set out broken
We set out broken, began my journal entry today.
Matthew 17 reminded me..."you are my son, whom I am well pleased, now listen to me!"
God is well pleased.
I woke up this morning with the words Amazing Love-how can it be, that you my Lord would die for me.
Because He LOVES me! Me a sinful, wretched man, full of my own agenda, my own desires. But through all of that you my Lord died for me, and God the Father told me He is well pleased even in my brokenness He loves me. Again, you oh Lord, are my all and all. It's amazing really at the love of God, the amazing Love.
Transparent-again the foundation of healing wounds.
Today the morning teaching was on Esther and Mordecai
Esther used her authority well and God intervened...God intervenes in our lives...in my life.
Look for a Mordecai who will stand at the gate for you...Mordecai waited at the gate for Esther everyday...for 12 months...he looked out for her and cared for her wellbeing.
He was aware, he waited, he listened, because he loved and cared for Esther.
Mordecai also instructed Esther. He did not advise her or give his opinion, but instructed her.
Seek out someone who will instruct you. Mordecai had great faith in God.
If you are a Mordecai...you must trust God for your Esther...you must mentor...and realize that it is all about God. Mordecai...you must challenge your Esther's for great things.
Mordecai...had fear in no man...but he feared God.
Esther...put more faith in God...rather than putting all her faith in Mordecai. She waited on God. For instance, she waited 3 days afer her request for the Jewish people to pray and fast.
She was humble and she blessed Mordecai.
Yesterday, the word that popped into my head was surrender...so I did.
Today, it was sacrifice.
Sacrifice...Great is thy Faithfulness, to all that I sacrifice. I lay down my own agenda and sacrifice it to God. I look out from my own brokenness and trust God. His sacrifice was eternal and it was for me....heavy!
All that I need God has provided. Sacrifice, a continuing giving up of my own power and control. It is walking hand in hand with the father who speaks in the cool of the evening. Calling me out of the brokenness.
It's amazing to me this conference. The little bits of conversation with men and women. It's the indepth conversations too, of hearing stories of God's love and of the change that is possible. Being engulfed in worship...and feeling the brokenness at the same time.
I ask you Lord to continue to draw my heart to yours. To embrace my heart. I have enough head knowledge to last a while. I now need and ache for the heart. That my heart be forever yours. That I continue to fall more and more in love with you. Everyday, every minute, every second. My heart beats to the sound of your voice calling me your son.
Matthew 17 reminded me..."you are my son, whom I am well pleased, now listen to me!"
God is well pleased.
I woke up this morning with the words Amazing Love-how can it be, that you my Lord would die for me.
Because He LOVES me! Me a sinful, wretched man, full of my own agenda, my own desires. But through all of that you my Lord died for me, and God the Father told me He is well pleased even in my brokenness He loves me. Again, you oh Lord, are my all and all. It's amazing really at the love of God, the amazing Love.
Transparent-again the foundation of healing wounds.
Today the morning teaching was on Esther and Mordecai
Esther used her authority well and God intervened...God intervenes in our lives...in my life.
Look for a Mordecai who will stand at the gate for you...Mordecai waited at the gate for Esther everyday...for 12 months...he looked out for her and cared for her wellbeing.
He was aware, he waited, he listened, because he loved and cared for Esther.
Mordecai also instructed Esther. He did not advise her or give his opinion, but instructed her.
Seek out someone who will instruct you. Mordecai had great faith in God.
If you are a Mordecai...you must trust God for your Esther...you must mentor...and realize that it is all about God. Mordecai...you must challenge your Esther's for great things.
Mordecai...had fear in no man...but he feared God.
Esther...put more faith in God...rather than putting all her faith in Mordecai. She waited on God. For instance, she waited 3 days afer her request for the Jewish people to pray and fast.
She was humble and she blessed Mordecai.
Yesterday, the word that popped into my head was surrender...so I did.
Today, it was sacrifice.
Sacrifice...Great is thy Faithfulness, to all that I sacrifice. I lay down my own agenda and sacrifice it to God. I look out from my own brokenness and trust God. His sacrifice was eternal and it was for me....heavy!
All that I need God has provided. Sacrifice, a continuing giving up of my own power and control. It is walking hand in hand with the father who speaks in the cool of the evening. Calling me out of the brokenness.
It's amazing to me this conference. The little bits of conversation with men and women. It's the indepth conversations too, of hearing stories of God's love and of the change that is possible. Being engulfed in worship...and feeling the brokenness at the same time.
I ask you Lord to continue to draw my heart to yours. To embrace my heart. I have enough head knowledge to last a while. I now need and ache for the heart. That my heart be forever yours. That I continue to fall more and more in love with you. Everyday, every minute, every second. My heart beats to the sound of your voice calling me your son.
July 20th, 2005, intimacy
This morning I just couldn't find the devotion room. I walked around searching. So I went back to my room...to find intimacy with God in my quiet place. Submitting my all and all to Him who created me. Yesterday I was overwelmed by the picture of God's faithfulness. As I lived in BC, Majestic mountains and I was reminded that I lived on my own strength. God called me to the prairies to open me, to show me space, to be vulnerable. What did I do? I continued to walk in my own strength, not baring my soul, not giving him my everything. Not allowing Him the opportunity to move freely in my heart. Now being here at Exodus, I again am in the mountains and forests (the mountains of North Carolina). Hemmed in-secure in this sacred place...or what feels like sacredness. Giving God my everything. The irony of this situation makes me emotional. God is faithful, His love is for me. What He started, He will see to completion. That is my reassurance. That is the love of the Father for me, his child.
Lord, my prayer this morning, is that you will continue to be my all in all, my everything. That I have nothing without you. That you will show yourself to me each day. The father I need to see. The falling in love process, the intimacy with you my all in all, my everything.
Lord, my prayer this morning, is that you will continue to be my all in all, my everything. That I have nothing without you. That you will show yourself to me each day. The father I need to see. The falling in love process, the intimacy with you my all in all, my everything.
July 19th, 2005 after worship and registration
After 3 months of feeling like I was in a Twilight Zone episode, God spoke clearly that I was no longer in a Twilight Zone. I am a new creation. The old has passed away.
Ephesians 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Nancy Heche (this is Ann Heche's mother) spoke on blessings and the meaning behind that act. That it means asking God to transform that persons life. So many times while singing I had such intense emotion, of overt and immense joy. Knowing God in his mercy wants intimacy with me. He desires it. He desires to be in relationship with me. That is so powerful. That in the face of temptation, I can run to him. Temptations are our times when we need to RUN and spend time with God. It is almost like God allows temptation so we run to Him. The enemy would rather pull me away and lie to me. There is a choice-obey God, hide in His arms. Allow God to speak to my heart. When faced with a hurt or decision what do I do? I try to do it often on my own and fail. Rather I need to read my Bible and ask God to reveal His truth and show me his face. To speak into my broken heart, to reveal something for my hard heart and to minister to my soft heart. I have been really hearing the words fast and pray. For the whole week and even before I came to Exodus International (this is a conference for those seeking to come out of the gay lifestyle and walk in the freedom and new life that God gives) I have felt the need or urge to fast. I just did not know when I should.
Most of all today, I need to ask God to protect me from the snares of the enemy. I need to be transparent. When is the right time to disclose things to my failings? The call to love, and to let the verses in 1 Corinthians be the guide in my life.
1 Corinthians 13:4-13 Love is patient, love is kinds. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where ther are prophecies, they will cease, where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. when I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child and I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. Now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
People need to rememeber us by our love, that is a powerful message to me. Lord, grant me strength tomorrow, give me courage. Make me brave like David. I want to meet others who I relate to or who I can connect with. This journey is about building good relations. peace and love!
Ephesians 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Nancy Heche (this is Ann Heche's mother) spoke on blessings and the meaning behind that act. That it means asking God to transform that persons life. So many times while singing I had such intense emotion, of overt and immense joy. Knowing God in his mercy wants intimacy with me. He desires it. He desires to be in relationship with me. That is so powerful. That in the face of temptation, I can run to him. Temptations are our times when we need to RUN and spend time with God. It is almost like God allows temptation so we run to Him. The enemy would rather pull me away and lie to me. There is a choice-obey God, hide in His arms. Allow God to speak to my heart. When faced with a hurt or decision what do I do? I try to do it often on my own and fail. Rather I need to read my Bible and ask God to reveal His truth and show me his face. To speak into my broken heart, to reveal something for my hard heart and to minister to my soft heart. I have been really hearing the words fast and pray. For the whole week and even before I came to Exodus International (this is a conference for those seeking to come out of the gay lifestyle and walk in the freedom and new life that God gives) I have felt the need or urge to fast. I just did not know when I should.
Most of all today, I need to ask God to protect me from the snares of the enemy. I need to be transparent. When is the right time to disclose things to my failings? The call to love, and to let the verses in 1 Corinthians be the guide in my life.
1 Corinthians 13:4-13 Love is patient, love is kinds. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where ther are prophecies, they will cease, where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. when I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child and I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. Now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
People need to rememeber us by our love, that is a powerful message to me. Lord, grant me strength tomorrow, give me courage. Make me brave like David. I want to meet others who I relate to or who I can connect with. This journey is about building good relations. peace and love!
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
July 19th, 2005
This morning came early-only because we had a late night. This morning is the start of the conference. Last night I went out with some men who have been transformed by the power of God's love. I also realized, last night that I am not all that different or TRANSFORMED as a lot of men here who are in forms of leadership. They realize though where they have come from and where they are at and where they are going. They are TRANSPARENT. What a freeing place to be at. That for a lot of them has been part of the process.
I was told to ask people why they decided to change and what was their motivation to stay out of the lifestyle. Each story being it's own on how God has called us...but for one reason only, to glorify God. It gave me a rememberance to what it was like for me.
A time of questioning and longing. There has to be more to LIFE than this!!
God speaking to me even though I was not crying out, but inside I was. I was caught. I knew that my life was empty of meaning and purpose. When as a child I knew my purpose was to follow God. As an early adult I knew God in a way that changed my life. I didn't fear death, I knew eternally that I was heaven bound, and really, I was full of judgement of others and not full of love.
That changed in 1997. When a mistake of walking in sin, having an affair while engaged and running from that truth rather than face it. It brought me into the place of hiding. Of silence.
I see it now plain as day. Now that the blinders are off. How I tried to protect myself. How selfish that act was and it made me close part of myself off. That spiraled me downward. Toward 8 years of deep disconnection with God. Following the path of my own salvation. I had saved myself from what?
-fellowship...true, deep fellowship
-the opportunity for forgiveness and reconciliation
-renewal of strength and character
-humility of my weaknesses and allow God to be my strength
Instead, what did I get?
-I got sexual freedom
-drugs
-no guilt on acting out sexually- my motto was that I felt guilty far too many times as a christian that I would have no guilt or shame, living as a gay man. It somehow gave me a feeling of immortality. I could do no wrong. I could get drunk, do drugs and sleep with whoever. That was just a part of who I was. I embraced the "freedom" of homosexuality.
Even though I was eventually in a committed relationship, I began to have affairs. I justified it by saying that I realy wasn't married so I could still sleep with whoever. So whenever a demand or emotion or urge became too great, I knew where to get it filled. A temporary fix to a deeper problem. But it began to fester. Like a small puncture wound which slowly gets infected. Gradually the pain became too aparent. There had to be a breaking point and it soon came. Living with my partner of 8 years-I was the unfaithful one. In the first 2 years of commuting, it gave me the liscence to have my needs met when I needed them met. I knew where to go, and fully aware that he might find out. Then taking the step and making the move to Vancouver, making the final "cut" away from family, faith and friends. I knew that this was me saying "I can do this on my own." Just one more step of cutting myself off and standing on my own two feet..."I don't need anyones help."
Yet was I alone? I allowed my partner in...to see just what I wanted him to see. He had to work really hard at seeing the real Kenn. Pushing, pulling, pleading for me to be "real", except that I wasn't being real. I could not allow myself to think that deeply. Because in doing so I would have to admit certain things that I could not face...and remember I could do this on my own.
I had experienced Christ's attonment, his forgiveness before and I pushed that truth really far down. I had to now cover up like Adam did. To hide my nakedness and that was hardening my heart. I wouldn't have said it at the time but looking back, I had to harden my heart so that I wouldn't hear God's voice calling me back into his presence. But He also never gave up. He is way smarter than I gave Him credit for. All the while he continued putting options in front of me.
I remember when I was still in Winnipeg 7 years ago, and everytime I would be off to Vancouver or my ex partner was coming here I would get a New Direction(I had been involved in a ministry that dealt with same sex attraction...as a participant) newsletter in the mail. I would mockingly laugh...but deep down I knew this was God...so quickly and as fast as I could, I pushed that thought away.
My partner had a cousin who is a christian and I met her soon after the move. She did not talk all the time about God but when she did it always touched me. I thank her now for her faith. I can remember once when she was questioning somethings in her life, and I would tell her to ask God to reveal things to her...here I was in amongst my own pain and pushing God away and I was telling her to go deeper...which tells me that God uses those who are caught in sin as well.
We had a mutual friend (who is a christian) who never once judged us. Who invited us into her home and we where a part of her family. She blessed us.
There was christians at my work place.
My family never gave up hope for my healing. When I broke up with my partner I was doing so out of frustration. I had again been unfaithful and I kept that locked away and that caused me to lock away my heart. To stop being real...well, I actually never was real...that would be way too painful. Communication was at a standstill and I sought out my own way of dealing with that pain. So I ran from truth yet again. I ran to others and I ended my 8 year relationship. It caused so much pain and hurt for both myself and my partner. But I felt a freedom. I said to myself..."alright, I am single. Let's have fun." Yet I was hurting. I loved my partner and longed to be "real". But what was that. I started questioning my decision making skills and I thought maybe I'll work on the relationship and when I approached my partner he thought otherwise. He was wounded. He didn't want to work on us, he needed to just find peace, to make it through the day. We both dealt with our pain differently. I figured that I needed to embrace the pain and so I did. I can say that those few weeks, where the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. I have never cried so much in all of my life. I moaned and ached all over. I would be cleaning the cat's litter boxes and would cry, I would walk down the street and cry. I would have to leave work because I was breaking down. It was extraordinarily hard. I began to realize the ending of the relationship was inevitable. I knew for a couple of years that it wasn't healthy. It was a co-dependant relationship. He was my hero. My knight in shinning armour. He saved me! I felt so sexure when I was with him. My security was him. When I was second guessing my decision it was partly to do with feeling so lost without that security.
It was then that I phoned my mom. I told her I was second guessing my decision. She shared with me the story of the Israelites leaving Egypt and they second guessed their decision. It didn't mean that they should go back to slavery. So she said to me "Kenn, you don't have to go back to Egypt. That God would provide light for me in the wilderness. That statement went down deep. I acknowledged it and then put is away. My mom was talking about my relationship, not my lifestyle. I began planning on leaving, as I was still living in Langley with my ex-partner and commuting everyday together. I talked with a realtor in Vancouver and she told me of condo's that I could afford and so I began planning. A smart little condo and continue on, maybe start dating, but really enjoy singlehood.
But I also started wrestling with what my mom had said. I was crying out. I wanted to be able to communicate my feelings with my ex but it just didn't flow right. It was like I couldn't put into words the way I was feeling. I was alone it seemed in the wilderness. I seemed so far off. Yet, God was right there, waiting. I get the picture of God at that point in my life as a man holding his breath with anticipation and a man standing there arms ready and willing to hold me but waiting until just the right moment to grab me with enthusiasm, embracing me and never letting me go.
One day a few weeks after the break up, we attended a cat show. My partner and I had begun to show cats and breed them. That was our passion together. I was now living in the spare bedroom. Things where tense in the house. We would commute to and from work together and then come home and feed and care for the multitude of cats. Friday, we went to the show. My partner went early and I showed up later. It was tense. The joy I usually felt when we showed together had faded. I yearned for things to be normal again. I secretly wanted to say, forget what I said, I take it back. Yet I didn't. I showed the cats alone the next day, people coming and talking with me. People who had been a part of our lives for the last 5 years. Good friends.
I remember whenever things got too emotional, I called anyone I could....my cell phone bill was HUGE. That night I went home, I wept. I wept at being alone, for the decisions that I had made. I woke up in the morning and I remember that I felt the need to go for a run in the forest just close by to the house. So I went for the run. I ran and ran and could remember how good it felt and how amazing it was that I wasn't getting tired. Then the words "Kenn, you don't have to go back to Egypt" came into my mind...was it audible, I am not sure but it was so real that I stopped, composed myself and continued running. Okay then God, if you are real speak to me, I am hurt and so very sad. I am alone here!! Then it came and I heard the words "I will be your refuge and strength, I will shine the light in the wilderness." Alrighty then, the tears began to flow and here I was running, crying and I never felt so good in a long time. It was a really good run...the run of my life. When I ran out of the wilderness and onto the road I felt so much joy and instantly I knew that going back to Egypt meant continuing on in the gay lifestyle. I knew that God was going to be my refuge and strength and he was calling me out of the lifestyle. I felt incredible joy. I literally ran home and phoned my friend and told her about Egypt, my run and the decision to leave the lifestyle. She told me she would pray for me.
I went back to the cat show and I asked one of my friends if I could talk to her and I told her my experience and she said she understood my struggle. She said she was a christian and she blessed me with words of love and not condemnation. When her husband came to me at the end of the cat show and told me to hold on to Jesus' hand and stand firm in my faith, I went to my car and wept. No longer tears of sorrow but tears of joy. Of knowing the truth had just set me free.
When I got home from the cat show I checked my email. My friend had emailed me. In it she told she had felt the need to pray for me all day. That she was so amazed at God's love. That God had given her 3 verses for me.
1. That God led the people out into the streets with tambourines
-this verse was spoken over me years ago when I went on a mission trip to Europe and I was on the tambourine team...that actually tambourined in the streets...and my friend never knew this.
2. God would be my refuge and strength....again, I had not told her what God had spoken to me in the wilderness that morning.
3. That God had a plan and purpose for my life Isaiah 43...that He has called my name and redeemed my life.
She never once told me to leave my partner or the gay lifestyle but to look for God, to seek Him first.
Each verse struck me and reminded me that God chose to give me a sign of his faithfulness.
That's how much he loved me. He had waited for just the right moment, and he wasn't holding his breath any longer. He was breathing his life into me. He just didn't speak to me and leave me. He now started to use others to reveal even more of himself to me. I call this the beginning of when the blinders started to be removed of the reality of life being shown. Then I wondered what to do. Here I was living with my ex partner, in a city where I had fled from God. He began to call me home. It was subtle. Then another blindfold slowly fell away and I realized that Vancouver was the place I had fled to. My family was not here, yet I had many friends a great job...yet I felt a strong desire to be near family. To be close to those I needed to be near. So one day it became apparent that I needed to go home. To stop running and face issues. So I went to my 2 jobs...which I LOVED and gave my notice. Both places told me that maybe I should take a year leave of absence and I really felt God say..."no, you need to leave."
I then went to my home and gave my notice. My ex parnter now in shock told me I was moving backward...not being true to myself, that I would find myself in the same place I was at before I left Winnipeg. But I felt for the first time in my life that I was being true to myself. That I was doing the right thing.
It wasn't all roses the last month that I was there. But I felt God's grace during this period. It was a struggle and I fell often. Then I met a pastor out there and I took a step of faith and began meeting with him. I sometimes felt why I did that with only a month left but it was encouraging for me. It was a lifeline.
My family rallied around me and my sister drove 2000 miles to pick me up. I remember seeing her for the first time and running up to her and holding her and sobbing. A picture of the prodigal came to my mind...what it was like for the son to come home.
My friends helped pack me up and I said goodbye. I closed the door on an 8 year relationship and turned my back, in faith, that God would be my provision and strength. I was leaving with nothing and God said, that I need not be afraid.
We travelled for 3 days. A door closed when I left my old home. A door closed when I left BC, again in Alberta and Sask. Soon I was standing in Winnipeg. How strange it felt.
I began reconnecting with family. I re-connected with New Directions and started to feel the grieving process of what I left behind. It hasn't been easy, old patterns are hard to break, especially when you fall back on thinking you can do it on your own strength. I fell sexually, I seconded guessed my decision.
but...
God is faithful. I always feel Him close. I have had awesome times of worship with Him. I have had to totally rely on him for my everything. I left BC with nothing. Financially able to last a few months but still very much in debt. I have not worked for 3 months. The odd job here and there. But it was like God was saying, trust in me, trust in me. I have always been one to not rely on anyone but myself and here was God saying "Kenn, won't you just trust in me?" So I began. It was hard and is hard still at times. I have begun to see a clearer picture of who I am. I have begun to love myself because God loves me.
The biggest realization is the Grace of God, which comes through the blood of Christ. Reading again today Hebrews 9:11 about the blood of Christ, that Christ is the new covenant. Then reading Psalm 31 on God's strong fortress to save me. Though evil men try to ensnare me and trap me, that God will deliver me in his righteousness. He will rescue me.
God provided a way to come to Exodus with not allowing me to get a job right away. It was hard because it cost way too much but I have faith that he will provide. I thanked God everyday for his provision, even when I did not see it. With much fear and trembling I came to Exodus. What if I fall sexually with someone there? What if I am tempted? What if it doesn't meet my needs? What if I don't hear God?
As I re-read these pages, if this is all that I get out of coming here to Exodus, then it will have still been worth it. God has met me, He is faithful. I have been hearing stories of redemption of transition and begun to realize I am not alone. That God's heart is for me. That through it all God desires to have an intimate relationship with me. He is opening up the floodgates of his love for me. He is transforming me through the renewing of my mind and through his eternal love.
I was told to ask people why they decided to change and what was their motivation to stay out of the lifestyle. Each story being it's own on how God has called us...but for one reason only, to glorify God. It gave me a rememberance to what it was like for me.
A time of questioning and longing. There has to be more to LIFE than this!!
God speaking to me even though I was not crying out, but inside I was. I was caught. I knew that my life was empty of meaning and purpose. When as a child I knew my purpose was to follow God. As an early adult I knew God in a way that changed my life. I didn't fear death, I knew eternally that I was heaven bound, and really, I was full of judgement of others and not full of love.
That changed in 1997. When a mistake of walking in sin, having an affair while engaged and running from that truth rather than face it. It brought me into the place of hiding. Of silence.
I see it now plain as day. Now that the blinders are off. How I tried to protect myself. How selfish that act was and it made me close part of myself off. That spiraled me downward. Toward 8 years of deep disconnection with God. Following the path of my own salvation. I had saved myself from what?
-fellowship...true, deep fellowship
-the opportunity for forgiveness and reconciliation
-renewal of strength and character
-humility of my weaknesses and allow God to be my strength
Instead, what did I get?
-I got sexual freedom
-drugs
-no guilt on acting out sexually- my motto was that I felt guilty far too many times as a christian that I would have no guilt or shame, living as a gay man. It somehow gave me a feeling of immortality. I could do no wrong. I could get drunk, do drugs and sleep with whoever. That was just a part of who I was. I embraced the "freedom" of homosexuality.
Even though I was eventually in a committed relationship, I began to have affairs. I justified it by saying that I realy wasn't married so I could still sleep with whoever. So whenever a demand or emotion or urge became too great, I knew where to get it filled. A temporary fix to a deeper problem. But it began to fester. Like a small puncture wound which slowly gets infected. Gradually the pain became too aparent. There had to be a breaking point and it soon came. Living with my partner of 8 years-I was the unfaithful one. In the first 2 years of commuting, it gave me the liscence to have my needs met when I needed them met. I knew where to go, and fully aware that he might find out. Then taking the step and making the move to Vancouver, making the final "cut" away from family, faith and friends. I knew that this was me saying "I can do this on my own." Just one more step of cutting myself off and standing on my own two feet..."I don't need anyones help."
Yet was I alone? I allowed my partner in...to see just what I wanted him to see. He had to work really hard at seeing the real Kenn. Pushing, pulling, pleading for me to be "real", except that I wasn't being real. I could not allow myself to think that deeply. Because in doing so I would have to admit certain things that I could not face...and remember I could do this on my own.
I had experienced Christ's attonment, his forgiveness before and I pushed that truth really far down. I had to now cover up like Adam did. To hide my nakedness and that was hardening my heart. I wouldn't have said it at the time but looking back, I had to harden my heart so that I wouldn't hear God's voice calling me back into his presence. But He also never gave up. He is way smarter than I gave Him credit for. All the while he continued putting options in front of me.
I remember when I was still in Winnipeg 7 years ago, and everytime I would be off to Vancouver or my ex partner was coming here I would get a New Direction(I had been involved in a ministry that dealt with same sex attraction...as a participant) newsletter in the mail. I would mockingly laugh...but deep down I knew this was God...so quickly and as fast as I could, I pushed that thought away.
My partner had a cousin who is a christian and I met her soon after the move. She did not talk all the time about God but when she did it always touched me. I thank her now for her faith. I can remember once when she was questioning somethings in her life, and I would tell her to ask God to reveal things to her...here I was in amongst my own pain and pushing God away and I was telling her to go deeper...which tells me that God uses those who are caught in sin as well.
We had a mutual friend (who is a christian) who never once judged us. Who invited us into her home and we where a part of her family. She blessed us.
There was christians at my work place.
My family never gave up hope for my healing. When I broke up with my partner I was doing so out of frustration. I had again been unfaithful and I kept that locked away and that caused me to lock away my heart. To stop being real...well, I actually never was real...that would be way too painful. Communication was at a standstill and I sought out my own way of dealing with that pain. So I ran from truth yet again. I ran to others and I ended my 8 year relationship. It caused so much pain and hurt for both myself and my partner. But I felt a freedom. I said to myself..."alright, I am single. Let's have fun." Yet I was hurting. I loved my partner and longed to be "real". But what was that. I started questioning my decision making skills and I thought maybe I'll work on the relationship and when I approached my partner he thought otherwise. He was wounded. He didn't want to work on us, he needed to just find peace, to make it through the day. We both dealt with our pain differently. I figured that I needed to embrace the pain and so I did. I can say that those few weeks, where the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. I have never cried so much in all of my life. I moaned and ached all over. I would be cleaning the cat's litter boxes and would cry, I would walk down the street and cry. I would have to leave work because I was breaking down. It was extraordinarily hard. I began to realize the ending of the relationship was inevitable. I knew for a couple of years that it wasn't healthy. It was a co-dependant relationship. He was my hero. My knight in shinning armour. He saved me! I felt so sexure when I was with him. My security was him. When I was second guessing my decision it was partly to do with feeling so lost without that security.
It was then that I phoned my mom. I told her I was second guessing my decision. She shared with me the story of the Israelites leaving Egypt and they second guessed their decision. It didn't mean that they should go back to slavery. So she said to me "Kenn, you don't have to go back to Egypt. That God would provide light for me in the wilderness. That statement went down deep. I acknowledged it and then put is away. My mom was talking about my relationship, not my lifestyle. I began planning on leaving, as I was still living in Langley with my ex-partner and commuting everyday together. I talked with a realtor in Vancouver and she told me of condo's that I could afford and so I began planning. A smart little condo and continue on, maybe start dating, but really enjoy singlehood.
But I also started wrestling with what my mom had said. I was crying out. I wanted to be able to communicate my feelings with my ex but it just didn't flow right. It was like I couldn't put into words the way I was feeling. I was alone it seemed in the wilderness. I seemed so far off. Yet, God was right there, waiting. I get the picture of God at that point in my life as a man holding his breath with anticipation and a man standing there arms ready and willing to hold me but waiting until just the right moment to grab me with enthusiasm, embracing me and never letting me go.
One day a few weeks after the break up, we attended a cat show. My partner and I had begun to show cats and breed them. That was our passion together. I was now living in the spare bedroom. Things where tense in the house. We would commute to and from work together and then come home and feed and care for the multitude of cats. Friday, we went to the show. My partner went early and I showed up later. It was tense. The joy I usually felt when we showed together had faded. I yearned for things to be normal again. I secretly wanted to say, forget what I said, I take it back. Yet I didn't. I showed the cats alone the next day, people coming and talking with me. People who had been a part of our lives for the last 5 years. Good friends.
I remember whenever things got too emotional, I called anyone I could....my cell phone bill was HUGE. That night I went home, I wept. I wept at being alone, for the decisions that I had made. I woke up in the morning and I remember that I felt the need to go for a run in the forest just close by to the house. So I went for the run. I ran and ran and could remember how good it felt and how amazing it was that I wasn't getting tired. Then the words "Kenn, you don't have to go back to Egypt" came into my mind...was it audible, I am not sure but it was so real that I stopped, composed myself and continued running. Okay then God, if you are real speak to me, I am hurt and so very sad. I am alone here!! Then it came and I heard the words "I will be your refuge and strength, I will shine the light in the wilderness." Alrighty then, the tears began to flow and here I was running, crying and I never felt so good in a long time. It was a really good run...the run of my life. When I ran out of the wilderness and onto the road I felt so much joy and instantly I knew that going back to Egypt meant continuing on in the gay lifestyle. I knew that God was going to be my refuge and strength and he was calling me out of the lifestyle. I felt incredible joy. I literally ran home and phoned my friend and told her about Egypt, my run and the decision to leave the lifestyle. She told me she would pray for me.
I went back to the cat show and I asked one of my friends if I could talk to her and I told her my experience and she said she understood my struggle. She said she was a christian and she blessed me with words of love and not condemnation. When her husband came to me at the end of the cat show and told me to hold on to Jesus' hand and stand firm in my faith, I went to my car and wept. No longer tears of sorrow but tears of joy. Of knowing the truth had just set me free.
When I got home from the cat show I checked my email. My friend had emailed me. In it she told she had felt the need to pray for me all day. That she was so amazed at God's love. That God had given her 3 verses for me.
1. That God led the people out into the streets with tambourines
-this verse was spoken over me years ago when I went on a mission trip to Europe and I was on the tambourine team...that actually tambourined in the streets...and my friend never knew this.
2. God would be my refuge and strength....again, I had not told her what God had spoken to me in the wilderness that morning.
3. That God had a plan and purpose for my life Isaiah 43...that He has called my name and redeemed my life.
She never once told me to leave my partner or the gay lifestyle but to look for God, to seek Him first.
Each verse struck me and reminded me that God chose to give me a sign of his faithfulness.
That's how much he loved me. He had waited for just the right moment, and he wasn't holding his breath any longer. He was breathing his life into me. He just didn't speak to me and leave me. He now started to use others to reveal even more of himself to me. I call this the beginning of when the blinders started to be removed of the reality of life being shown. Then I wondered what to do. Here I was living with my ex partner, in a city where I had fled from God. He began to call me home. It was subtle. Then another blindfold slowly fell away and I realized that Vancouver was the place I had fled to. My family was not here, yet I had many friends a great job...yet I felt a strong desire to be near family. To be close to those I needed to be near. So one day it became apparent that I needed to go home. To stop running and face issues. So I went to my 2 jobs...which I LOVED and gave my notice. Both places told me that maybe I should take a year leave of absence and I really felt God say..."no, you need to leave."
I then went to my home and gave my notice. My ex parnter now in shock told me I was moving backward...not being true to myself, that I would find myself in the same place I was at before I left Winnipeg. But I felt for the first time in my life that I was being true to myself. That I was doing the right thing.
It wasn't all roses the last month that I was there. But I felt God's grace during this period. It was a struggle and I fell often. Then I met a pastor out there and I took a step of faith and began meeting with him. I sometimes felt why I did that with only a month left but it was encouraging for me. It was a lifeline.
My family rallied around me and my sister drove 2000 miles to pick me up. I remember seeing her for the first time and running up to her and holding her and sobbing. A picture of the prodigal came to my mind...what it was like for the son to come home.
My friends helped pack me up and I said goodbye. I closed the door on an 8 year relationship and turned my back, in faith, that God would be my provision and strength. I was leaving with nothing and God said, that I need not be afraid.
We travelled for 3 days. A door closed when I left my old home. A door closed when I left BC, again in Alberta and Sask. Soon I was standing in Winnipeg. How strange it felt.
I began reconnecting with family. I re-connected with New Directions and started to feel the grieving process of what I left behind. It hasn't been easy, old patterns are hard to break, especially when you fall back on thinking you can do it on your own strength. I fell sexually, I seconded guessed my decision.
but...
God is faithful. I always feel Him close. I have had awesome times of worship with Him. I have had to totally rely on him for my everything. I left BC with nothing. Financially able to last a few months but still very much in debt. I have not worked for 3 months. The odd job here and there. But it was like God was saying, trust in me, trust in me. I have always been one to not rely on anyone but myself and here was God saying "Kenn, won't you just trust in me?" So I began. It was hard and is hard still at times. I have begun to see a clearer picture of who I am. I have begun to love myself because God loves me.
The biggest realization is the Grace of God, which comes through the blood of Christ. Reading again today Hebrews 9:11 about the blood of Christ, that Christ is the new covenant. Then reading Psalm 31 on God's strong fortress to save me. Though evil men try to ensnare me and trap me, that God will deliver me in his righteousness. He will rescue me.
God provided a way to come to Exodus with not allowing me to get a job right away. It was hard because it cost way too much but I have faith that he will provide. I thanked God everyday for his provision, even when I did not see it. With much fear and trembling I came to Exodus. What if I fall sexually with someone there? What if I am tempted? What if it doesn't meet my needs? What if I don't hear God?
As I re-read these pages, if this is all that I get out of coming here to Exodus, then it will have still been worth it. God has met me, He is faithful. I have been hearing stories of redemption of transition and begun to realize I am not alone. That God's heart is for me. That through it all God desires to have an intimate relationship with me. He is opening up the floodgates of his love for me. He is transforming me through the renewing of my mind and through his eternal love.
Monday, July 18, 2005
July 18, 2005
The air here is heavy with humidity. We are about 4000 feet above sea level, in the midst of forests. It is beautiful here. The sky hazzy. Not sure if the sky is ever blue? There are so many trees and they are large and solid. There are vines growing up and around some, creeks and streams flow freely all around. Ridgecrest is large and a good facility. Today was an adventure. I went for breakfast and then bought a worship cd at the store. If it touches me in a way that I sob while listening to it...does that mean it is good?
Have had a headache since before I came. A migraine last week and very stiff muscles in my neck and back. I realized that it is stress. Stress from holding things inside. I have fallen since being back in Winnipeg. I feel remorse but not guilty. I feel more the fact that I hurt God and hurt myself. Sometimes I feel like it has pushed me farther away from God. Then I read in Hebrews that he harden's some hearts and also he turns away those who at first acknowledged him and then fell away and that they will not enter heaven because it is like they have crucified Christ twice. That worries me! I don't want God to turn his face from me, yet I am still a sinner saved by grace. That he has removed my transgressions. That I will never be sin free.
I finished reading the Truth Teller. it was a good book about DNA etc. I need to get honest.
I look at all the people here, leaders etc and I ache to be free to laugh about my life, my struggle just seems so fresh. So real! True they struggle too, but they have things in place-
accountability, house groups, church, fellowship. I don't have a lot of that. I am really struggling to find where I fit in. Sometimes I think it easier to be in a cave, away from everything around me...but Jesus called us into community, to be with each other and face things together. We are not meant to be alone.
Christ offers so much more....
Christ Ememy
Joy sorrow
love hatred
peace troubled
gentleness bitterness, anger, malice
So God take me to the rock that is higher than this. Help me to see that I cannot "change" my life, only you can. Forgive me for forging ahead on my own strength, only to fail miserably.
Help bring me to a place of intimacy with you God. That I may seek your face everyday, when I wake I think of you. When I go about my day I think of you. When I go to sleep I thank you for your glorious presence in my life. Only you are holy.
Tomorrow is day #1 conference wise. I rejoice in your goodness your love and your kindness for brining me here on this journey of faith or my journey as a straight man. I was telling someone that I would like to talk with Jerry Fallwell...as he was speaking here. Then I read proverbs 29:26. It reads "many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the Lord that man gets justice."
Isaiah 43:18
Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
Have had a headache since before I came. A migraine last week and very stiff muscles in my neck and back. I realized that it is stress. Stress from holding things inside. I have fallen since being back in Winnipeg. I feel remorse but not guilty. I feel more the fact that I hurt God and hurt myself. Sometimes I feel like it has pushed me farther away from God. Then I read in Hebrews that he harden's some hearts and also he turns away those who at first acknowledged him and then fell away and that they will not enter heaven because it is like they have crucified Christ twice. That worries me! I don't want God to turn his face from me, yet I am still a sinner saved by grace. That he has removed my transgressions. That I will never be sin free.
I finished reading the Truth Teller. it was a good book about DNA etc. I need to get honest.
I look at all the people here, leaders etc and I ache to be free to laugh about my life, my struggle just seems so fresh. So real! True they struggle too, but they have things in place-
accountability, house groups, church, fellowship. I don't have a lot of that. I am really struggling to find where I fit in. Sometimes I think it easier to be in a cave, away from everything around me...but Jesus called us into community, to be with each other and face things together. We are not meant to be alone.
Christ offers so much more....
Christ Ememy
Joy sorrow
love hatred
peace troubled
gentleness bitterness, anger, malice
So God take me to the rock that is higher than this. Help me to see that I cannot "change" my life, only you can. Forgive me for forging ahead on my own strength, only to fail miserably.
Help bring me to a place of intimacy with you God. That I may seek your face everyday, when I wake I think of you. When I go about my day I think of you. When I go to sleep I thank you for your glorious presence in my life. Only you are holy.
Tomorrow is day #1 conference wise. I rejoice in your goodness your love and your kindness for brining me here on this journey of faith or my journey as a straight man. I was telling someone that I would like to talk with Jerry Fallwell...as he was speaking here. Then I read proverbs 29:26. It reads "many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the Lord that man gets justice."
Isaiah 43:18
Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
July 17th, 2005
I woke up this morning, in the rainforest. Well, it appeared that way. We got moved to a new room. The one we had yesterday was old, moldy and dark. I prayed for a better room. I am highly allergic to mold. So last night, they called us and said there had been a mistake and we where supposed to be in the Mountain suites. Okay...um, thanks!
We got there and here is a brand new suite, clean, bright and with an awesome view of the mountain ridge. Yes, thank you God, you care for even the little things!
My cry of the heart today is that God will become the lover of my heart. I walked around Ridgecrest today and felt out of place. What am I doing in a place like this? Then I reminded myself or a thought came to me that everyone is welcome. That I was welcomed here. That I am a child of God, no matter what I felt like, no matter where I am in the journey. I pushed God and community so far away that to embrace everything all at once seems fake.
As I drove around the area...oh and by the way if no one has been to North Carolina...plan a trip, especially to the mountains. It is so incredible. The forests, the old buildings...wow.
Anyway, I heard a sermon on the radio, it was based on Hebrews 6:13-20. It talks about the certainty of God's promise.
When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, "I will surely bless you and give you many descendants." And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.
Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts and end to all argument. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God said this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever in the order of Melchizedek.
The speaker talked about our sacrifice and our thankfulness of the sacrifice that was made on our behalf. He talked about our forgetfullness of the cross. I look back and see so many times when I in rebellion sinned on purpose. That when I fall, I nail Jesus back on the cross, he again is whipped for me, my transgressions.
Remind me daily of the cross. Burn it's image in my mind. I take drugs to numb myself, to make myself feel good and I enjoy it. Yet am reminded today that not everything is beneficial.
It takes my mind off of God and puts it somewhere else...mostly on to myself.
Now I am going to be honest here in my entries. So please do not take offense. This journey is my longing and calling out to God. I will be candid with my thoughts to God and to myself. It is living a transparent life. To be transparent...what does that mean for me? It means that I long to lay it bare before God. To not pretend that I am perfect or doing okay when deep down I am aching.
So I look back on my relationships in the past. When I smoke pot for instance, it is often a reminder of my life. It was for the most part a precursor to intimancy. Almost always! Why do I think that I can smoke pot and still stay pure? I don't think I can. Now I won't be legalisitic and part of me really enjoys it. But when I tend to like something too much then I know that it could be something that could stand between me and my relationship with God. Being an obsessive compulsive person as I am. Maybe it is time to take a hard look at "things" in my life. A moral stand so to speak. What are the things that I do that seperate me from God and cause me to stumble in my weakeness?
Psalm 16
refuge....God will keep me safe
good things...apart from God I have no good thing
You delighted in me
sorrow increase for those who run after other Gods
secure...you give me my cup (quench my thirst) and portion (satifsy my hunger)
inheritance...you have given me good boundaries
counsel me day and night
instrust me
I will not be shaken
body will rest secure, heart is glad, tongue rejoices
I will have eternal pleasures
Lord God, my prayer to you today is that I long to meet with you. To have a real connection with you. An understanding of your fullness, not just in my mind but deep in my heart. Please provide for this trip. Open a door for a job in August, as well as a place of my own.
We got there and here is a brand new suite, clean, bright and with an awesome view of the mountain ridge. Yes, thank you God, you care for even the little things!
My cry of the heart today is that God will become the lover of my heart. I walked around Ridgecrest today and felt out of place. What am I doing in a place like this? Then I reminded myself or a thought came to me that everyone is welcome. That I was welcomed here. That I am a child of God, no matter what I felt like, no matter where I am in the journey. I pushed God and community so far away that to embrace everything all at once seems fake.
As I drove around the area...oh and by the way if no one has been to North Carolina...plan a trip, especially to the mountains. It is so incredible. The forests, the old buildings...wow.
Anyway, I heard a sermon on the radio, it was based on Hebrews 6:13-20. It talks about the certainty of God's promise.
When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, "I will surely bless you and give you many descendants." And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.
Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts and end to all argument. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God said this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever in the order of Melchizedek.
The speaker talked about our sacrifice and our thankfulness of the sacrifice that was made on our behalf. He talked about our forgetfullness of the cross. I look back and see so many times when I in rebellion sinned on purpose. That when I fall, I nail Jesus back on the cross, he again is whipped for me, my transgressions.
Remind me daily of the cross. Burn it's image in my mind. I take drugs to numb myself, to make myself feel good and I enjoy it. Yet am reminded today that not everything is beneficial.
It takes my mind off of God and puts it somewhere else...mostly on to myself.
Now I am going to be honest here in my entries. So please do not take offense. This journey is my longing and calling out to God. I will be candid with my thoughts to God and to myself. It is living a transparent life. To be transparent...what does that mean for me? It means that I long to lay it bare before God. To not pretend that I am perfect or doing okay when deep down I am aching.
So I look back on my relationships in the past. When I smoke pot for instance, it is often a reminder of my life. It was for the most part a precursor to intimancy. Almost always! Why do I think that I can smoke pot and still stay pure? I don't think I can. Now I won't be legalisitic and part of me really enjoys it. But when I tend to like something too much then I know that it could be something that could stand between me and my relationship with God. Being an obsessive compulsive person as I am. Maybe it is time to take a hard look at "things" in my life. A moral stand so to speak. What are the things that I do that seperate me from God and cause me to stumble in my weakeness?
Psalm 16
refuge....God will keep me safe
good things...apart from God I have no good thing
You delighted in me
sorrow increase for those who run after other Gods
secure...you give me my cup (quench my thirst) and portion (satifsy my hunger)
inheritance...you have given me good boundaries
counsel me day and night
instrust me
I will not be shaken
body will rest secure, heart is glad, tongue rejoices
I will have eternal pleasures
Lord God, my prayer to you today is that I long to meet with you. To have a real connection with you. An understanding of your fullness, not just in my mind but deep in my heart. Please provide for this trip. Open a door for a job in August, as well as a place of my own.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Leaving today
So today...leaving on a jet plane....have to get going...but wanted to create this so I can add to it while I am away.
I am anticipating this, yet feeling a bit like I am in a twilight zone episode...not sure where this is taking me. But I know that on my journey of faith this is one episode. Greg is driving me to the airport. I have to get going soon. I will try and see if there is a computer to use at the center to journey my entries. The computer is doing some weird stuff right now and so if there is typos, excuse those...thanks.
I will try and email from their. I will quickly tell everyone the blog site and feel free to send me notes. I could use some encouragement and some spiritual uplifting. I am always amazed at the goodness of God as he pours out grace when we need it the most. OSha alom to y
Kenn
I am anticipating this, yet feeling a bit like I am in a twilight zone episode...not sure where this is taking me. But I know that on my journey of faith this is one episode. Greg is driving me to the airport. I have to get going soon. I will try and see if there is a computer to use at the center to journey my entries. The computer is doing some weird stuff right now and so if there is typos, excuse those...thanks.
I will try and email from their. I will quickly tell everyone the blog site and feel free to send me notes. I could use some encouragement and some spiritual uplifting. I am always amazed at the goodness of God as he pours out grace when we need it the most. OSha alom to y
Kenn
Day #2 July 16th, 2005
Oh Lord almighty, God of Israel, you have revealed this to your servant, saying, I will build a house for you. So your servant has found courage to offer you this prayer. O Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your words are trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant. Now be pleased to bless the house of your servant, that it may continue forever in your sight; for you, O Sovereign Lord, have spoken, and with you blessings, the house of your servant will be blessed forever."
this comes from 2 Samuel 7:27 . This is the cry of the heart of David, after his prayer, after his time sitting with god.
God you love me and have called me by name. In my failings I have hurt you and caused your heart to weep...not in judgement but in love. You never wanted me to be so hurt and you felt that pain and you felt my sorrow. You shed tears of sorrow on my behalf. As I enter this week of Exodus my desire is to fall deeper in love with you. As deep calls to deep that is my hears desire. To long after you, much like like a deer pants for water, my soul pants for your renewal, for your peace, love and joy.
Be my strong tower, be my strength. Let me not forget that I can do nothing apart from you.
this comes from 2 Samuel 7:27 . This is the cry of the heart of David, after his prayer, after his time sitting with god.
God you love me and have called me by name. In my failings I have hurt you and caused your heart to weep...not in judgement but in love. You never wanted me to be so hurt and you felt that pain and you felt my sorrow. You shed tears of sorrow on my behalf. As I enter this week of Exodus my desire is to fall deeper in love with you. As deep calls to deep that is my hears desire. To long after you, much like like a deer pants for water, my soul pants for your renewal, for your peace, love and joy.
Be my strong tower, be my strength. Let me not forget that I can do nothing apart from you.
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