Thursday, July 21, 2005

July 21st, 2005 The Father Wound

Today was the Father wound. So many times I have wrestled with the issue of my father wound. Now first and formost, I love my dad. He did all he could when he raised me. I relish my time with my dad, and enjoy his company.
My image of God, when I was young, was that he just wasn't there. During the workshop the speaker asked us to come up for prayer if we thought that this father wound hit a cord in us. Well, I went up. As the front became increasingly crowded and so the speaker said that it would not be possible for everyone to get prayed for but to allow God to minister to us...that is really the most important thing. So I waited for God and when I do, I am usually not disappointed. Immediately I felt tears swell up and I just allowed the tears to flow. I felt the presence of God holding me as a father would. Then the speaker spoke these two words...tender warrior. Instantly I gasped for spoke directly to my soul.
I have been holding back the tears of pain all conference, thinking if I let any out I would collapes, everyone would hear me and I'd just wail, moan, snot haning out of my nose, why can't I just let all the pain and sorrow go? I allowed some out after the workshop and then composed myself and walked back to my room to just be by myself for a while.
Later, the guys talked so much about the past and joked about the gay lifestyle...lots of laughter. It was refreshing to not take it so seriously all the time. But it felt strange. Probably because here were guys who have been dealing with this issue for 10 or more years...and to laugh must be so healing. It was so comfortable. It almost reminded me of being out with my gay friends but the difference was the conversation always came back to God and how he was working in someones life.
I wonder how many people have fallen this week? Some guys look at you a certain way, almost like they are eyeing you up and I have eyed some guys up! It's hard. I prayed the prayer of my youth...Oh, God take it away! I wonder about the men here...the majority are men. I wonder what their hearts are like. Are they still pure? I want transparency. I want my testimony to be my acknowledgement of God's love for me. I want people to see what God is doing in my life. I don't want it to known that Kenn just falls all the time. Just because I am attracted to someone does not mean I fall to temptation or sin.
So this evening I saw a picture of me sitting with a man with my arm around his shoulder and I am reading the Bible. I asked the man who did the workshop on the father wound to pray for me. While he prayed he said he saw a calling on my life. He didn't know what it was but it was all over me. He prayed for the gifts to be brought forth. That the words tender warrior would be side by side. I want the challenge of a pure life, but I am scared, very scared to fall.
"Blessed is Kenn who has regard for the weak for the Lord delivers Kenn in times of trouble. I love you over me and keep me safe. Let me heal, grow and learn to be open and to talk. Teach me to talk!

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