Sunday, July 24, 2005

Leaving the mountains of North Carolina

Leaving the Blue Mountains today-incredible beginning of a life long journey. Who am I to question the goodness and awesome power of God. To transform lives for His Glory. It's for His Glory!
I have been refreshed-I have touched the garment of the Lord.
I leave with the knowledge that yes, this will be difficult at times. It will be a struggle and I will be tempted to walk in my old paths, that I layed out for myself 8 years ago...(even longer if I think about it).
I will sing a new song! A song of redemption, grace, peace and joy. When the man involved in ministry prayed for me and told me I have a calling, and then another woman told me yesterday that while we where worshiping, she said she was waiting for me to go and dance in front of the group (what in front of 1200 people!!!). Such a tremendous feeling of holding back, but every part of my insides wanted to. I wanted to dance...and worship and just go crazy, yet I was holding back. I realized that is what I do in my life. I hold back. I hold back my emotions, my thoughts, my spirit. That way, I am protected and no one really notices.
The Lord me at that revelation. "why are you ashamed to look foolish infront of man?"
Why couldn't I immediately do what the spirit inside wanted me to do? Why couldn't I just run up and dance especially when deep down, I wanted so desperately to do so. To proclaim that I was not ashamed and didn't care if anyone saw me worshiping or dancing. It goes to the image of the cloth, billowing around and I am running praising God in amongst the cloth. Proclaiming his awesome goodness to me.
So...I did go up, and danced. Not worrying about those around me. I closed my eyes and felt the presence of the Lord all around. It was life! It felt for a moment that I was the only person there, worshiping my Kind of Glory.
These things I know to be true...
I am not alone
I have purpose
My life is for God's glory
I will never be the same
I am called to speak and not be silent
I am calling into community

So as we leave and the drive back from Asheville to Charlotte was calm and beautiful, and I sat in awe of the scenery, really stunning, but not as green as British Columbia, but more dense.
We talked about what to expect now that the conference is over and yes, the spiritual attack is understandable. I found being in Chicago and seeing so many gay people everywhere you looked...a bit hard. It was weird that everytime I turned around there was this guy or that guy and you knew exactly...gaydar doesn't vanish!
So what begins now that Exodus is over. Now it is stepping into the promise land. It's wading into the river to the other side, and the truth that I will not drown, I will not be washed away by the waves. That God is for me and not against me. That He is good. No longer to be subject to the yoke of slavery. What an immense promise.
My desire when back is to find a church community that I can serve in. There are a few that I attend to try and get the feel for community. Direct my path Lord, in where you want me to be. This week I have understood my own selfishness in areas of my life. I was really encouraged by Mike's testimony of serving to find healing. In speaking out my story and the power of your testimony, to encourage and bless...and what does bless mean again? To ask God to change that person's heart.
It's time for the church to awake. To see and hear the truth of change. Prepare me to be able to give my testimony. To tell it the way you would want me to tell it, realizing the truth needs to be told.
Protect those of us Lord who are willing! Ready? Not sure when you are fully ready to tell the story? When is it advisable? Open the doors!
I got this image of a play...a drama...and it was like my life flashed before me...

there is a blackened is quiet.
a spot appears stage left
a voice speaks...
"Look it's the sissy...sissy boy"
A boy appears in the spot looking around, trying to appear composed.
He walks off stage
a voice speaks
the boy appears in the spot with backpack on, noticably heavy, sullen (maybe with the words sissy, fairy, hanging from the backpack) He walks off.
a voice speaks
boy appears-back pack heavier now and he walks off
a voice speaks
boy appears-back pack heavier (words sissy, fairy, gay, fag, hanging from the backpack) he walks off
A voice Yells out
The boy appears and the backpack is so heavy and the boy is in tears, he stand there, not knowing what to do,
then music starts to play. Soft at first and then increasing, disco music, he starts to smile, his feet moving a little,
a guy comes in and starts to dance with the boy, the man takes the backpack off and they dance. After they dance, the man puts the backpack back on...
the boy hears the words...sissy, fairy, gay, fag, faggot, from backstage.
boy collapses
man comes on and the music starts, this time more wild, fast. He takes the boys backpack off and grabs the boy and yanks him around, then aggressively places the backpack back on. The boy falls to his knees and there is a pause, no music, no sound, a look of pain and torment, the words come now fast and furious, sissy, fairy, gay, fag, faggot and then a man walks on stage. The sound of whips and screams, moans are heard intermingled with the other words. Each time the whip sound is heard the man falls down, then the pounding of nails, crying, then silence. The man frozen in space. The man walks to the boy and gently takes the back pack and places it on his back...and reaches out to the boy and he takes the man's hand, the man embraces the boy....stage darkens.

okay, have to work on the concept, but the truth to that powerful in my life...even the symbolism of the backpack. I remember once going to the chiropractor and he said, I should stop wearing a backpack...okay, God even speaks through the chiropractor. (a good laugh at that)

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