July 18, 2005

The air here is heavy with humidity. We are about 4000 feet above sea level, in the midst of forests. It is beautiful here. The sky hazzy. Not sure if the sky is ever blue? There are so many trees and they are large and solid. There are vines growing up and around some, creeks and streams flow freely all around. Ridgecrest is large and a good facility. Today was an adventure. I went for breakfast and then bought a worship cd at the store. If it touches me in a way that I sob while listening to it...does that mean it is good?
Have had a headache since before I came. A migraine last week and very stiff muscles in my neck and back. I realized that it is stress. Stress from holding things inside. I have fallen since being back in Winnipeg. I feel remorse but not guilty. I feel more the fact that I hurt God and hurt myself. Sometimes I feel like it has pushed me farther away from God. Then I read in Hebrews that he harden's some hearts and also he turns away those who at first acknowledged him and then fell away and that they will not enter heaven because it is like they have crucified Christ twice. That worries me! I don't want God to turn his face from me, yet I am still a sinner saved by grace. That he has removed my transgressions. That I will never be sin free.
I finished reading the Truth Teller. it was a good book about DNA etc. I need to get honest.
I look at all the people here, leaders etc and I ache to be free to laugh about my life, my struggle just seems so fresh. So real! True they struggle too, but they have things in place-
accountability, house groups, church, fellowship. I don't have a lot of that. I am really struggling to find where I fit in. Sometimes I think it easier to be in a cave, away from everything around me...but Jesus called us into community, to be with each other and face things together. We are not meant to be alone.
Christ offers so much more....
Christ Ememy
Joy sorrow
love hatred
peace troubled
gentleness bitterness, anger, malice

So God take me to the rock that is higher than this. Help me to see that I cannot "change" my life, only you can. Forgive me for forging ahead on my own strength, only to fail miserably.
Help bring me to a place of intimacy with you God. That I may seek your face everyday, when I wake I think of you. When I go about my day I think of you. When I go to sleep I thank you for your glorious presence in my life. Only you are holy.
Tomorrow is day #1 conference wise. I rejoice in your goodness your love and your kindness for brining me here on this journey of faith or my journey as a straight man. I was telling someone that I would like to talk with Jerry Fallwell...as he was speaking here. Then I read proverbs 29:26. It reads "many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the Lord that man gets justice."

Isaiah 43:18

Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.