Sunday, July 17, 2005

July 17th, 2005

I woke up this morning, in the rainforest. Well, it appeared that way. We got moved to a new room. The one we had yesterday was old, moldy and dark. I prayed for a better room. I am highly allergic to mold. So last night, they called us and said there had been a mistake and we where supposed to be in the Mountain suites., thanks!
We got there and here is a brand new suite, clean, bright and with an awesome view of the mountain ridge. Yes, thank you God, you care for even the little things!

My cry of the heart today is that God will become the lover of my heart. I walked around Ridgecrest today and felt out of place. What am I doing in a place like this? Then I reminded myself or a thought came to me that everyone is welcome. That I was welcomed here. That I am a child of God, no matter what I felt like, no matter where I am in the journey. I pushed God and community so far away that to embrace everything all at once seems fake.

As I drove around the area...oh and by the way if no one has been to North Carolina...plan a trip, especially to the mountains. It is so incredible. The forests, the old
Anyway, I heard a sermon on the radio, it was based on Hebrews 6:13-20. It talks about the certainty of God's promise.

When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, "I will surely bless you and give you many descendants." And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.
Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts and end to all argument. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God said this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever in the order of Melchizedek.

The speaker talked about our sacrifice and our thankfulness of the sacrifice that was made on our behalf. He talked about our forgetfullness of the cross. I look back and see so many times when I in rebellion sinned on purpose. That when I fall, I nail Jesus back on the cross, he again is whipped for me, my transgressions.
Remind me daily of the cross. Burn it's image in my mind. I take drugs to numb myself, to make myself feel good and I enjoy it. Yet am reminded today that not everything is beneficial.
It takes my mind off of God and puts it somewhere else...mostly on to myself.

Now I am going to be honest here in my entries. So please do not take offense. This journey is my longing and calling out to God. I will be candid with my thoughts to God and to myself. It is living a transparent life. To be transparent...what does that mean for me? It means that I long to lay it bare before God. To not pretend that I am perfect or doing okay when deep down I am aching.

So I look back on my relationships in the past. When I smoke pot for instance, it is often a reminder of my life. It was for the most part a precursor to intimancy. Almost always! Why do I think that I can smoke pot and still stay pure? I don't think I can. Now I won't be legalisitic and part of me really enjoys it. But when I tend to like something too much then I know that it could be something that could stand between me and my relationship with God. Being an obsessive compulsive person as I am. Maybe it is time to take a hard look at "things" in my life. A moral stand so to speak. What are the things that I do that seperate me from God and cause me to stumble in my weakeness?

Psalm 16
refuge....God will keep me safe
good things...apart from God I have no good thing
You delighted in me
sorrow increase for those who run after other Gods give me my cup (quench my thirst) and portion (satifsy my hunger) have given me good boundaries
counsel me day and night
instrust me
I will not be shaken
body will rest secure, heart is glad, tongue rejoices
I will have eternal pleasures

Lord God, my prayer to you today is that I long to meet with you. To have a real connection with you. An understanding of your fullness, not just in my mind but deep in my heart. Please provide for this trip. Open a door for a job in August, as well as a place of my own.

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