failures-evolution

I was sent a quote and have been communicating with people in regards to the thoughts on failures...here is an excerpt from the dialogues...

A QUOTE FROM A GOOD FRIEND.

At least if you're failing, you know you're alive; you're participating, engaged, learning, and therefore contributing to evolution.
The Japanese have a phrase for this; they call it "the nobility of failure,"
implying, "Look at all the great things at which this person failed.
She was really alive."

Honor one of your noble failures

My comment...

PRAISE THE LORD FOR FAILURES>>>WHICH SAYS WE ARE LIVING!!!!!

I pray that each of you know of God's immense love for you
today.regardless of your feelings and thoughts. You are loved and
that will never change.

Then I received a response and this is my response to their email...


Yes, God wants us to be perfect as He is perfect. My thought on that is...

We will never measure up. God is God, we are not. In that we will fail, we will walk in failure, even when we try to be the best we can. It is in that failure that we recognize our need for Jesus, the holy spirit and our Papa.

We can be wise, we can be on fire, we can be mentally with it and be the best planner and still fail. So how do we cope with those failures...do we shame ourselves...do we think less of ourselves...do we accept grace as that which covers those failures? In the words of evolution...the context that is referred to in this quote is our evolving as Jesus Followers...it is an expression of not being the same as I was yesterday. That I admit my shortcomings and "failures"...and I have to recognize that which I have not done well, even when I am working hard not to fail...so that I can say...Jesus, may I learn from this, may I grow from this, help me to be the best and not make the same mistakes that I did before.

I think in terms of honoring our failures...it is more recognizing them, that they do exist...if we turn a blind eye on them...we are like that ostrich that puts its head in the sand...or turns a blind eye on that which God wants us to recognize, so we can move forward, instead of just burying it.

What about those people who are struggling, who are trying to put their lives back together, the prostitute on the street who knows Jesus, yet cannot yet quit acting out...what is her worth? I always think, about my attitude, my thoughts and how I communicate them to others, especially someone who is struggling with issues and the expression of that struggle is more visible on the exterior (rather than the 'average' Christian in a church seat...who is just the same as that prostitute on the street).

I am reminded of the word that says..."His strength is made perfect in my weakness". It does not say His strength is made perfect in my victories.

I believe what you say, where you are coming from. I just wanted to clarify evolution, from a relevant Christian perspective...this one was not intended to focus on the evolutionary theory of creation...rather the evolution of our inner man, as we walk with Christ...and not being the same as we were yesterday.

Just in the area of me, clarifying the evolutionary word, I recognize that I have to watch how I put my words and to define what they mean. That is what I am doing here.

I also hate my failures, and they do not define me. Yet, I know because I have walked in recognizing them, sitting in it (not in a passive way, but a pro-active way) with Jesus.
I do however understand Grace, and know that in walking with people who recognize their need for Jesus, and the failures that they do, that often it is a process...a step by step process of healing. It may mean that you will fall flat on your face...and what do you do with that? How do you walk with someone who has fallen...and needs the help of his/her Christian brothers and sisters. I think of the paralytic man who was lowered down from the roof, so that he would get healed. He needed his brothers to help him, to carry him, to cut a hole.
I am reminded of Lazarus...and the words of Jesus, that said...unbind him. There was a deeper meaning to that statement. That often people are dead in their sin, their hurts, and pain. That we as a body of Christ, who are to be like Christ, are to unbind those in pain and hurt. It means that we need to recognize that with death, there is stink, ugliness and pain. It means walking with others regardless of their victories and failures.

"My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NLT

A question...What is our role as a Christian? What is our mandate? What is our focus here on earth?

Thanks for your words...I love the dialogue.

Night Life

So I have been dialoging with people in regards to how we see community as a Christian. I have become more and more challenged in regards to my pattern of thinking.

Where do I begin?

I have realized that I have not been blogging much lately, travel, marriage and work have kept me pretty much away from the computer at home...okay...plus...the computer was stolen...ya...that bites.

I have watched as the inner city has become darker and darker. More crime, more crime and less action against it. During a ministry experience my wife shared with me a story of someone who said the street was calling them. I asked her if she knew what that meant. She didn't. So I shared with her my thoughts as I lived it, and know the draw of the street.
The smell. There is a night smell, which is often sweet in aroma, you can smell the trees, the grass. Nature at it's best...but that is not all. There are the sounds, the sites and the adrenaline rush of getting a fix. Be it drugs or sex...there is a draw. It is a deep pull toward something you know is not good for you, yet you long for it at the same time. Often the longing beats the not good for you thought.

So what is one looking for when the street calls your name. For me it was validation through anonymous sexual encounters. I knew where to go, when to go and what to do.
It did not matter how my day was going. I could be totally connected with people, being social, having the time of my life, and then I'd go home and it would call me. It was as if I needed the icing on top of the cake that I had already consumed. I wanted more. I wanted the intimacy...as false as it was. I wanted the validation, as degrading as it was. I would go to all lengths to get the need met. No money changed hands, but I was selling myself short. I was selling myself for a quick fix to solve any emotional response that came up within me. If I felt anger, joy, sadness, despair...any emotion...I would go and find pleasure.

Now I have come to realize that the need for validation, and intimacy are legitimate but not in regards to getting them through anonymous sexual encounters. But I also realize that looking back, there were few people who could or would understand what I was going through...or who felt safe for me to share this with. Who wants to hear about another sexual fall, or getting drunk or high and then spending hours on the street, sleeping with who ever took a fancy for you or took initiative to pursue you.

Little did I know that Jesus was there. He was with me, walking with me, knocking at my heart. Yet no one shared that with me...no one called me on my behavior, no one asked how are you "really doing"...instead of just accepting my "fine" as written in stone.

I learned the hard way...I had to come to the end of my rope...myself...and with Jesus knocking a little harder than the world.

I know now that Jesus was teaching me by the holy spirit that I needed to live life different, that I needed to feel the emotions, rather than, quickly numb it through sex. I needed to feel. I needed to feel intense pain, in order to heal, to grieve, to mourn, to then be able to stand, dance, rejoice.

So how does one do that...how does one take a stand for themselves and say no more. No more will I sell myself for a quick fix?

Where do we fit in with that person?

Where do you fit in with me?

Are you willing to go deep with someone, are you willing to die for someone, are you willing to give till it hurts, care about someone till you weep uncontrollably? Are you willing to risk having them be a part of your life, your family? Are you willing to be robbed, cheated, spit at, scorned? Are you willing to be Christ in the flesh?

I think we have it backward as Christ followers. Yes, we are Christ followers, but as we follow, do we obey? Do we do the things we are called to do, so we feel good? Do we do the things we do because it looks good? Or are we getting messy? Are we following Christ or being like him? We are called to be Christ, to finish the work he started.

In looking inward, I have a long, long way to go, in taking risks, in stepping out into the boldness that Christ has birthed within me. I hear him speaking to me and it scares the life out of me...and it should. IT SHOULD! I should not be afraid to die. Die to my own flesh, my own desires and wants. I am selfish, that is my sinful, worldly nature. I care far too much about my life.

Western living...hmmm, we (me included) have been programmed to think, if we don't have this or that, we are less than.

I wonder sometimes when I see the public school systems under attack, gangs, shootings, prostitution, bullying and I wonder...where the hell are the Christian's? Oh, excuse me, they are in private Christian schools or being home schooled...far away from the evil of the public realm...are they being trained to be the SALT and the LIGHT? Are they actually living out their faith, making it real to themselves through being involved in those from other cultures, faiths and denominations? Are we training our children to walk the walk and talk the talk? Are we showing them what life is like on the outside of our comfortable homes, with little risk?

Maybe, I think about these things, write about these things because I live in the inner city, and see little change? I see few people standing up, and I am scared that it might be me, who is being called to take a stand...and then realize that yes, Christ is calling me to make MERCY and JUSTICE my friend. To be the extender of grace, yet call forth justice against drug dealers, slum landlords, corrupt cops, politicians and AAAHHH, it scares the crap out of me, because I feel so insignificant. I don't have the letters behind my name or government credentials, so who will listen to me?

Paula and I have been praying about a vision for our lives as a couple and we have one. To feed the hungry, to bind up the broken hearted, to look after widows and orphans and to set captives free. What a vision! We do all this as we surrender ourselves before our maker, our King and say...use us Lord! No matter what it looks like or feels like. Because it is not about us...it is about you, who have commissioned us and called us forth, to lay down our lives and serve.

We are praying for a home...a sanctuary that we can house people. We are calling forth a mansion on a hill top. We are calling for it, we are boldly asking for it. A very good friend sent me this verse today, and I wept as I read it...

“I am the Lord”, he says, “and there is no other. I publicly proclaim bold promises.
I do not whisper obscurities in some dark corner so that no one can understand what I mean.
And I did not tell the people of Israel to ask me for something I did not plan to give.
I, the Lord, speak only what is true and right.”

Isaiah 45:18b – 19

God, we boldly ask for that which you have promised for us...a home, an inheritance for our children, refuge, and our daily bread.

I pray that you who read this may feel inspired to join us in a revolution...a counter culture way of life...because the one who inspired us...was just that!

To fear or not to fear, that is the question

This is a photo of the Mamba, one of the worlds tallest roller coasters and fastest drop speed...and yes...I went on it a few weeks ago.

I have never been on a roller coaster, and this one was the first. At one point, as I waited in line, I thought...where is the nearest exit, but then I also knew I would regret not doing it. So I boarded the car, did up my seat belt and off we went, at least most of me did.

A friend sat beside me, looking at me, asking me if I was scared...uh huh! I could barely get words out of my mouth...he told me to look over and around the sky...um, nope...it was not possible, as I gripped the bar with all my might, as I squeezed my eyes as tight as possible and as I tried to get breath into my lungs. I couldn't breath...I was gripped by fear. I was paralized with fear for the first time in my 40 years of life. Never before had I ever felt this way. I could not move, could not speak, could not open my eyes. All I knew was that we kept going higher and higher...and all of this took place within seconds. Then there was a slight pause...I knew we made it to the top...and even now as I write this, I feel that tingling in my belly button, that weird sensation, much like swinging too high on a swing.

How could I have been so daft as to think I could do this...I am going to perish!

But no, I didn't...the pause was ended by a vertical drop, as I opened my mouth, a groan was all that was heard...what sounded like a death cry...the last utterance of sound...the only sound I could make. I fixate on the sound, because, I thought it would be a girly scream, but no, this came from the depths of my being.

In close to 2 minutes the ride was over, I felt like I was over. Glad to have done it, but realizing that never again, do I need to face that fear, or want to. See, I am afraid of heights. I have always been. Don't ask me when it began, for I cannot remember, all I know is that this man is still afraid of heights. What I can say is this, that I have been on one of the tallest roller coasters and faced a giant fear. I did it. Bought the T-shirt and don't ever need to do the Mamba again.

We did however do 2 more coasters, one a wooden one (which shook us all up) and then one that is inverted...you are hooked from the top and sit in a bucket chair...feet dangling in the air...it was the girly scream ride...the whole time...but one I would do again.

Someone said that if I faced that fear, I can also face marriage...

I am looking forward to that day...nearly upon us, when two are one, and life is working toward goals to serve one another. Living on the less traveled path, knowing there is bumps and turns, branches to look out for, yet doing it with someone who is your best friend and someone you can't see yourself without...for the rest of your life.

It is good...all good.

calgary

so, the journey so far has led us through manitoba, saskatchewan...where we stayed the night at 3 different homes, arriving late yesterday night and then basically going in, finding the bedroom, falling asleep. it was a good journey thus far. we laughed, and laughed, and cried a bit, as we listened to some teaching from the exodus conference. that seems like a month ago, when in reality it was 2 weeks ago. i enjoyed the exodus conference this year, as i served them by being on the prayer time. i found my niche, or my passion. being there, connecting with specific people was amazing and i met some wonderful people who are living life as best as they can in a culture that says they are not valued or that they are denying themselves. how odd it is for those who have chosen the path toward God, laying down their own fleshly desires to actually take up the cross and follow after their king...their savior, their love! the world sees it as foolish, that we are being brainwashed and yet if we look at it from our eyes, we can say the same things...we can say that the world is brainwashing those to enter a lifestyle that often brings unfullfillment. i met a lot of unhappy people, who would claim happiness, yet looking closer, there is so much unhappiness, sex filled with drugs, alcohol, one partner, lover after another, trying to fill that void. trying to find that "right one" that will fill the loneliness, the emptiness, the deep longings. i speak with experience. i too was there, searching to find that thing the someone to fill my insecurities, my hurts, my loneliness. that person to affirm me.

now looking forward, i know the one that truly affirms me, the one who loves me, fills that emptiness, that loneliness, the longings. it is my heavenly king, my father, my all in all. as cheesy as that may sound to some people, it has brought me a sense of stability, a deep knowing that i am loved, and that i am okay. i do not need anyone to complete me, but God has brought someone into my life who will share the load, who will walk with me, who is christ in the flesh. i have many people who have been christ to me, but this one is different, she is my opposite. this week, i get to see God move in her, as she allows him to minister to her, drawing her, wooing her unto himself...for I come second to God, who is her first love...and i am thankful for that. i am thankful that i do not need to lean into her for completion and she need not lean into me, yet we support one another with love and we encourage one another, love one another.

we are in calgary, part of the living waters leadership training conference and this year i am an assistant small group leader and i am looking forward to it. i am reminded of my need for God to be my everything, he is the one who speaks and i hear his voice for his sheep know their masters voice. i pray that this will go deeper, that as i am willing to be his hands, feet, that he will minister to me in ways that he want to. that i will be willing to listen.

well, it is late, and tomorrow will be a long day, a day of newness, challenges all their own, and i focus on tomorrow, tomorrow. i give thanks for today and the brightness of the sky, the breeze that cooled us, and the way God moves in time. he is my lover, the one that ravishes my heart, and i long to dwell in his sanctuary. i am thankful for the blessings he pours out, the gift of love, joy, peace and power.

If i can i will blog a wee bit during the week, but have no idea if there is access there. please pray for strength and humility.
please pray that God will bless financially, as my support is not 100% and paula and i have been praying for a home to purchase, before the prices rise to a place where we will not be able to afford. we cherish you and pray a blessing over you.

faithful

Today, as I waited on the Lord, I asked him to remind me of his blessing, and his faithfulness. I was tired today, feeling a bit empty and felt the need to wait on him. So the day went by...

...Pea and I went to meet with a wedding photographer and he is the best in Manitoba...okay, probably in Canada and I knew him and his wife from years ago...but that is years ago.
We met at his studio...the woman at the front desk greeted us with recognition...and realized our connection was Soul.

Then we met the photographer, and it was so comfortable, easy, we listened, taking it all in and getting excited...and for me I knew that he is so out of our range...yet, as a missionary, just gave a figure to God, one that we could afford and one we could do within our budget. After sharing our heart and our passion, he did a quote and we got blessed, all I will say is that God showed me his faithfulness and his blessing. He reminded me of that through this photographer...through the watching of Pea's face, through her tears after we left the building, as we shared our thankfulness. We left with grateful hearts. This is huge for us...this is new for us...this is beautiful. I keep seeing flowers bloom, I keep seeing Pea's face light up, and another part of her blossoms. It is really incredible and wonderful.

So we are getting ready, we are loving this time, even through wedding stresses, we sit back and think...wow...God you are faithful...and will Bless those who honor you and give you the glory.

I am excited that a few friends from a distance are coming...okay...way excited. I miss them and am looking forward in seeing them and celebrating with them. The day will be amazing and wonderful.

The social is June 23rd...email me for tickets...that will be a party you do not want to miss.

dream home

So today we saw our dream home. This picture is not the home, but it is similar. I stumbled across it yesterday, when I was out looking for a article of furniture for the upcoming social. I was driving home, saw the open house sign and went and just walked through with my chin dropping on the floor. It was perfect size, location and style. The garden is a dream! The decor screamed our names. The home was tastefully decorated with many art pieces and it just fed into what I have dreamed for. We have prayed about windows and having lots of light, and that was also something the house had plenty of. It was also priced 20 grand more than what we can afford, and will likely go 20 grand higher than the listing price. So we sat and prayed about the home, and just offered it back to God.
I know myself and how I tend to compare, and I know that each home we look at I will compare to this one. I need to lay that down and offer up, rather, praise to God that he is doing a new thing. That he has blessed us and will continue to guide our steps and direction. He knows the plans for us, and they are not to cause us harm. So we continue to work on our debt load, and get that down. We know that planning a family is key for us and we are looking at that as a big possibility after the honeymoon. Honeymoon...now there is another thing...we can take a week off after the wedding, and we also know that my cousin is getting married in February and so we may look at taking a trip to where they live and be there for the wedding. Who knows right now. It depends on many different things that need to fall into place for us.
We can stay where I am and live here for awhile and pay off much...and put aside a little. I may be wise to stay put a year. But we also know the market is going crazy here and the interest rates will rise. So the broker has said...it could be wise to get something now. If we can get a student, then that would help.
Well, we continue to press forward, praising God for what he is doing in our lives and our hearts. I do tend to get the stresses every once in awhile and it did finally hit me the other day and I got a cold that knocked me out for a couple of days. I feel a little better today, but am focusing on plenty of sleep and proper food. Loading up on garlic and more garlic.
We are studying Ephesians and so this past week, I read the book and today, focused my attention on really studying chapter one. God adopted me, he chose me. I look at that whole image of adoption, which is much more thought out than a planned birth. It is actually saying, I choose this child, regardless of it's background or upbringing. It is healing, and I look at my sister and brother in law and their two adopted children and I see how much they love them, and it is a picture of God to me. How God loves us regardless of our past or present failures. That he accepts us as his sons and daughters. i pray that that knowledge will go deep within my heart, and pray that also for you as you read. That the full revelation of how much God loves us and how He has chosen us will go deep within you. I pray that wisdom and revelation and complete understanding will come as God has said he will give that to us when we ask for that.

Peace to you...

Trying to win me back!

AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

So today, I get a call...

CH-"Hello, is this Kenny Warkentin (or as best as they can pronounce it)?"
Kenny-"Yes"
CH-"Kenny, I am calling representing Columbia House, and we value you as a customer and noticed that you have decided to end your subscription. We would like to win you back with this special offer....blah...blah...blah...how about it Kenny? What kind of movies to you watch?"
Kenny-"Well, actually, I am taking a moral stand, with Columbia House and have decided to not be a customer of yours because you sell pornographic movies."
CH-"What, I did not know we sold porn!"
Kenny-"Yes, you send offers to peoples homes with their selection of the month catalogue, and I have decided to take a stand on your policy regarding the distribution of pornographic material."
CH-"Well, okay, thanks very much, good bye."

Interesting...very interesting!
It was a good feeling to actually talk with someone again who works at Columbia House, voicing an opinion that goes contrary to what they may feel is right or wrong. Pornography is a huge problem in our society and I do not care if you are Christian or not. This is not just a Christian issue, it is a cultural issue. Too many people are becoming addicted to Porn and it is wrecking our society. Too many women and men are being abused, used and then thrown away in the Porn business.
Stand up, against pornography! It is not just explicit sex movies, or magazines, it is anything that expresses itself with sexual images. Advertising, movies, billboards...think about it as you drive or walk in the mall. It is time to open our eyes and see what we are doing to our society and our culture.

Just a thought today!

Enjoy the weekend. Enjoy the sun, creation and those people in your life.

Peace.

Porn...when is it going to end?

Dear Columbia House

Editor Winnipeg Free Press

Lately there has been an increase in reporting issues on sexuality in our culture. It has been amazing actually in the way things are being talked about, especially via your newspaper. People are free to talk about sexual addictions and the problems and come from that.

Yesterday, I was disturbed. I recently subscribed to the Columbia House DVD program and was shocked when I opened my mailing from them and found an insert that promoted the sale of pornography. I phoned them the next day to ask that I do not wish to have pornographic material sent to me via them. I have chosen not to have pornography in my home. I work with men and women who are trying to overcome their addictions to pornography and have seen the affects that porn has on adults. Most of them, this problem began as children, being exposed to pornography just by chance. This is the letter that I wrote to them.

"I am disturbed to find that you sent out pornography choices in the recent catalogue mailing (happy feet). It disturbs me that Columbia House as resorted to make money through the pornography industry. With problems increasing with sexual addiction in our society, it pains me to see this coming from you. You introduced pornographic material into my home. That is not acceptable in my opinion. I have chosen not to have material such as that enter my home and you purposefully included that in the mailing, with no regard. I will not support your company in this way and will reflect my choice and feelings with those whom I know and work with.

I work with men and women, who are struggling to overcome sexual addiction, some of whom have seen pictures as children and thus began a life long addiction. So I find it disturbing that you would promote pornography, for the sake of money and wealth and in the process partner with broken families, ruined lives and life long addictions.

I believe that you as a company can stand for righteousness and not play in to the denigration of our culture today."

With the issues of sexual addiction on the rise in our culture and the break down of marriages/partnerships dues to these addictions, I find it appalling that a large organization that reaches the homes of millions would include pornographic material. Especially into homes that include children. I believe as a society, we can stand and make a difference. Stand up and say no to large mail out organizations like Columbia House Canada. The woman I talked to said that some people want those mailings and so that is why they send them out. Yet, they did not ask me if I wanted pornographic material sent to me, they just sent it with no regard for my standard that I have set for myself, I wonder where our society is headed? So if I wrote in to Columbia House and asked them to send me material on bestiality, would they send that too me, or will it be included in a mail out? It is appalling to me. This has not happened just to me, as I shared this with a co-worker, she told me the same thing happened to a family member who phoned in and complained to them. They assured this person that they would never send out pornographic advertising. Interesting that this happened last year and surprise, they do send out material.

We have a problem in our society that says anything goes, regardless of who is harmed and I take a stand on this issue. I have seen too many men and women injured emotionally, and marriages destroyed due to the pornography industry, when is enough, enough and when will people stand up and shout that they are not going to take it anymore.

Sincerely, a man willing to stand up for other men and women and the children who are in the end the ones that suffer the most.

Kenny

Who do we listen to?

What strikes me in this photo is the image of hurt, shame, pain, of someone who is being hurt by another.

Interestingly enough, the last few weeks have brought an array of emotions, and I have had to face the fact that I often do not listen to the right person, especially in my relating to others.

There is a special someone in my life who I love beyond measure, who is tender, caring, who has the beauty of a flower blossoming after a cold and dreary winter. With that love, there comes a vulnerability in communicating, listening and just sacrificial loving. It is looking beyond myself and what I want and deserve and it is loving them beyond what I want to get back or think I need to get back. It is in a sense a maturing of how I see love. I am not perfect..."yep...I am not...can you picture that?" But I am willing to learn, grow and express love to this woman in ways I have never before. It is standing up as a man, taking leadership seriously, and learning to give.

I am also learning to listen to others, and more importantly God. We cannot rely on listening to just our feelings as that does not dictate to us who we are, or how we should behave or act out in. Who are we in God's eyes? Who does he say we are as his children? How should then we respond? Often we have a feeling and really...does it line up to what God says of us? Does it go contrary to the Word of God? For years, I labeled myself, and I walked in just how I felt. I did all that I could to "feel good" and to not feel anything contrary to pleasure. Now as I look back on the past 2 years and especially the last 6 months, I see that listening to the word of God, listening to who I am, regardless of how I feel, has brought about a measure of maturity that otherwise I would not have. I do not have it all together and make mistakes and will continue to, but my desire is to listen to God.

Listening to others is also beneficial in all areas of our lives. We have gone away from the "ask your elders" mentality. Rather we decide what is best for us...and that is it...period! There is no need to ask anyone for advice or their opinion...because we can do it all by ourselves, because in reality, we are individuality driven. I am learning to walk in community with others, to seek out Godly wisdom and advice from others. Do I accept everything...hmmm, not right away. I weigh that wisdom out, in terms of, does it line up to the Word of God? Does it go contrary to what God is saying? Lately, I have received much wisdom from people and it has been God directed. It is pushing me toward God and my relationship with him.

So life keeps on getting more interesting and fascinating to me. It brings about challenges and growing experiences and I welcome all of those different facets into my life. Someone that I know shared with me how I must just like excitement in my life, at all times. I had to think about that and I would agree that I like life to be exciting, because that is what life is about. When you start taking risks and starting thinking a bit on the edge, you begin living differently. I would say that I enjoy living on the edge, much like Jesus did. HE was radical, edgy and wow, the things he did, saw and experienced is for us here on earth as well. Embrace it, live it and enjoy it.

the way is pretty narrow, can you walk it?

I have talked about the road less traveled and the way of the cross. Tonight we spoke with a group of skaters. They requested that we come in and talk about the issues of homosexuality and what they can do in terms of relating to friends who have come out to them.

It was good, to talk to them, relate to them that regardless…you love your friends. Why is it so hard to love others? Authentically? Without pretense? Without judgement?

If we take the stand that in the end of days, it will not be us who stand doing the judging rather that of God, the eternal Father. He will judge us according to the things we have done here on earth. How we have chosen to live and experience life. I remember full well when that reality of truth entered my being.

It was a process of days, weeks, months, years, that brought about this realization, into full context for me. I believe that God gently woos us with his love. He is a respecter of people and will not force himself upon a person. Rather, he gently guides.

I remember traveling to and from Vancouver, when I lived in Langley. One day, the sunrises struck me with awe. Then it was the sunsets that struck me. I remember commenting all the time at how they looked. It was really amazing actually. At times, I would just sit quietly looking in amazement at this wonderful creation experience. Each sunset and sunrise was different, often bringing about a different expression of love. Deep down, I knew that God was doing something. You can suppress God and the things he is doing, and your heart becomes cold and hardened. I had done that. I forgot about him. I forgot to take delight in the things he was showing me and trying to teach me. I was walking in rebellion to how he wanted me to live. In the midst of that rebellion however, I learnt a lot about life. God has shown me that he was there in the midst of the rebellion...waiting for me to decide.

Rebellion feels good for a while. You get a feeling of invincibility. You don’t think of the consequences of your actions, rather, you live for the moment, getting your pleasures met. We are living in a world where rebellion is a common practice. Theology is twisted to meet our needs, our wants and our desires. I once took great delight in the way it proved that the way I wanted to live made sense, rather than the more narrow way of God. Did I seek God in how I wanted to live? Did I pray that the holy spirit would direct my course?

In the end God continued to draw me and love me, regardless of the choices I had made. I started to dream dreams, and started to feel a deep unsettling in my inner man and realized that I could not go on any more in my quest to meet my own needs and desires the way I wanted them met.

I believe fully that God is shaking up his people, beginning in the church and extending outward. I believe that we are in the last days, and God is a jealous God. He wants to be in relationship with his people. He wants us to know him.

Life is but a breath compared to eternity and I desire to be seeking after God in all I do. In all the actions and plans that have to be made, I desire God to be the head of those plans.

Often times, the world will look at these thoughts and laugh. I have been listening to an artist named Misty Edwards and she sings a song about Noah, and these days are like Noah’s days. People will laugh at us when we choose God and the things he calls us to do. When we fast and pray, people will not understand! When we look to serve and give way past our means. When we lay down our lives for another. When we lay down our own fleshly desires to follow after God and His desires. It is foolish to the ways of the world. Yet, I am not apart of the world. I am an alien to the world. I am here to do God’s will. To serve him.

It sounds like life would be zero fun, yet, there is much joy and peace knowing that God is in control of everything.

So I continue to walk the narrow path. Trusting that no matter what, God in his love for me, his child will guide me and protect me and provide for my every need.

Rend my heart

Joel 2:12 "Even now," declares the Lord, "Return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." Rend your heart (which means turn so radically from sin that it causes discomfort) and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing, grain offerings and drink offerings for the Lord your God.
Blow the trumpet in Zion, declare a holy fast, call a sacred assembly. Gather the people, consecrate the assembly; bring together the elders, gather the children, those nursing at the breasts. Let the bridegroom leave his room and the bride her chamber. Let the priests who minister before the Lord, weep between the temple porch and the altar. Let them say, "Spare your people, O Lord. Do not make your inheritance an object of scorn, a byword among the nations. Why should they say among the peoples, "where is their God?"

Tonight, I finished the book Rewards of Fasting by Mike Bickle and Dana Candler. It is challenged me and made me realize that my life needs to be different. I want it to be different. I am so prone to Western Christianity...this feel good, pleasure seeking society. I am a sinner, yes saved by grace, but a sinner still. I fail miserably in devotions, prayer and battle doing things on my own, rather than in community with others. I want to see God move in dramatic ways in my life, because I want to be a willing servant of my most high God. I long to see the bridegroom come. But that takes effort...on our behalf. Complacency and apathy does not line up with the end time church. I do not want that...I want to be prepared when the things of this earth get even more evil, I want to know how to respond to those who cry out.

I believe there will come a day when we will see things so evil that it will cause us to cry out in fear, but I want to be prepared...to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit, to move in the gifts that Jesus is pouring out on his bride. I felt this fear...while living on the coast. I did not know how to express it with words, but I knew that there was something stirring in the heavenlies and I believe God moved in my life to change my direction and my course in life. If we believe everything is controled by God then I believe that he directed my path.

I want to press in, now more than anything, to forsake all else and follow after him. What does that mean to forsake all else? Everything that takes us away from serving God. Everything in our life is about him! It is serving, giving, loving and seeking to lay down our lives for others. It is a challenging and difficult path, one that is not chosen by many, but I desire to be one of those that does that. To enter into a new race...with much training and experiences.

What will this look like? Not sure at the moment...seeking God in where he is going to take this desire that is in my heart. I am praying for many things and how it will come about, I leave that to the one in control.

Jehovah...I love you and seek to walk in the way you walked, in laying down my life for others, to serve, to be the lowest of the low, to trust my Heavenly Father and seek his face in all that I do. To spend time prayer and fasting. To give away everything and not count it as loss, but gain. Lord teach me, strengthen me, for you are good, you have only good for me, even in the dark moments. You are my light and my salvation in whom shall I fear. You hold me in your grip and so I have nothing to be afraid of. Even when temptations and evil surround me to kill me and eat me up, you will cause that to fall away in a mess. I will not fear and I will be confident. I will seek you and dwell with you and look upon your beauty...all the days of my life.
amen

Throne Room

Today is day 20. I cannot believe it has been 20 days. How strange it is not to eat, not to do things the same as before. To rely on God for everything, especially to sustain you and strengthen you. It says that he will strengthen us in our weakness and sustain us. So that is my hearts cry even more as I go forward.
Things have not been over the top crazy in terms of prayer times and so today, I really wanted to press in. To go deeper than I have been. So the book I am reading suggested to pray in the spirit for an hour. I was like...you have to be kidding. But I was interested in trying it and within 10 minutes was a sobbing mess. I continued to pray and cry and then would wait to receive from God. I sensed that I was in the throne room of God. Standing before him, as he sat on the throne. It was like I was pleading my case, telling him everything I had done and I felt so much remorse. I felt an overwelming feeling of being deeply repentant. God then wrapped his arms around me and placed his cheek on my head and just held me. Like a father would hold his crying son, My Father held me. He held me secure, and I sobbed all the more, knowing that no matter what I had done, He loved me. He cared for me and would not leave me. Time passed. Everytime I tried to speak, it was just sobs. So I just relaxed in the presence.
A peace came over me and I sat there, in silence, knowing that something amazing had just taken place. I cannot explain it better than this. It was personal, sweet and something that I will remember. I long to experience more of that. To take the time to know that my Father in heaven loves me and will enlarge my heart to take in more of his love.

So the fast, I have been surrounded by food, by people apologizing and saying they are sorry that I am not eating, or apologize that they are eating. Hunger left after about day 10. It is strange not to eat, and to be satisfied by time spent in the word and in prayer. I have a yearning to serve and do things for others. So I step out in that in little ways. God is doing a good work...and he will not stop until it is completed and I am a willing vessel.

I sense a newness, a refreshing and a joy that will spring forth. I welcome it God. I welcome your ways and patiently wait for your blessings.

Remembering

Last night I came home from Living Waters and spent some time praying and my mind was on a man that I know in the hospital and I had the sense to pray and lift him up to the Lord. I thanked the Lord for this man, but I also prayed that God would comfort him and bring him peace, that when the time was right to take him home. That Jesus would welcome him into the kingdom. I planned on seeing him tonight, but also had a feeling that I would not see him again. I cried. The emotions flooded to the surface and I knew that God was right there with this man. The next day I got the message, that he had passed on the night before.
So today I remember that friend. I knew him for a short time and today I thought it was way to short, but in looking back, God brought that friend into my life to teach me many wonderful things about life, relationships and strength of character. You see, he is now rejoicing in heaven, with his wonderful saviour, friend and Father. I look at his life with awe and amazement. He experienced much, and so he loved much. We would sit together sharing moments of laughter and sorrow and often through excruciating pain. We watched musicals and shared our stories. He would ask me many questions about faith and God and grace. He was eager to understand and often doubted...much like Thomas, and so Jesus allowed Thomas to feel his nail pierced hands. I believe that this gentle man, was given that same blessing from Jesus as he entered into the throne room of the most high King. I am thankful for the many wonderful things I learnt from him and will miss him. I think of the joys of gardening that he had and the long walks and yet how hard it was for him to enjoy even that. The picture here, is what he would have loved to look at and frolic in. He would have handled the flowers with care and tended it with much love.

It is hard too, I know that he is in heaven, he is free of pain and suffering, yet I miss his smile, his warm hugs as he thanked me for giving him care and looking after the little things. For taking the time to just listen to him, I will miss those times most of all. Strange how death works, especially for those who you know will find greater comfort not to be in their earthly bodies.

I am blessed to work at a place that provides such amazing care and support for those who live and breath in the home. I often say to people that Monday is my favourite day of the week. It is not a hardship to do a double shift of to rush from one job to the other, it is a blessing to me. To share Christ in practical ways. To cook, clean and love others.

So to the men and women, to the Director, the staff, volunteers who give and give over and above what is asked or called for, I pray God will bless you and strengthen you. He cherishes each and everyone of you. He sees your heart and is glad. I pray that our Father will comfort and give you all peace that knows no end.

...and thank you Jesus, for welcoming our brother into your kingdom...

amen
I love you!

disciples

Sometimes I feel like escaping to the moon...in time like these I like to be reminded of what life is really like and that I am not cracking up crazy!!!

I am quoting the following from the book "Starving Jesus" by craig gross and j.r. mahon
This list serves as a guide for all that I am and all that I need to be:

A disciple doubts
A disciple deceives
A disciple denies
A disciple forgets
A disciple fears
A disciple changes lives
A disciple is arrogant
A disciple denies himself
A disciple believes Jesus is savior
A disciple heals
A disciple leads
A disciple hides
A disciple is human
A disciple loves
A disciple protects
A disciple protects
A disciple is radical
A disciple gives his life for others
A disciple dies for faith
A disciple sins
A disciple is called to be a disciple
A disciple falls away from Christ
A disciple prays
A disciple leads people to Christ
A disciple gets in the grill of others
A disciple has little faith
A disciple has no attachment to religion
A disciple will write
A disciple will teach
A disciple will lie
A disciple will tell the truth
A disciple forgives
A disciple asks for forgiveness
A disciple rants
A disciple travels
A disciple fasts
A disciple questions
A disciple hopes
A disciple gets angry
A disciple does not worry
A disciple worries
A disciple likes money
A disciple doesn't worry about money
A disciple has friends
A disciple has a church
A disciple gives up

This list sums a lot up, and for me, I'd like to be taking and adding to this list daily. It keeps me humble. Does anyone have anything to add to the list?

Supply me

Supply me my every need, my ever want and my every desire. There is nothing greater than you and nothing that can satisfy, quite like you. God my God, my one and only. When life seems to fade by and there seems no hope in anything, you oh God supply my every need. You give to me that which seemed dead and gone.

Today was hard, my body fades quickly today as I went about my job, yet I was thankful that I was sitting at a desk. But concentrating on emailing responses was difficult. It was hard to give structure to my thoughts. Front line ministry, so crying out was good, to just pray for more of him and less of me. I am realizing many things about myself and I find it interesting that fasting will do this. It strips away everything until you are bare, rare and naked. Asking the Holy Spirit to reveal everything that seperates you from God. It is radical, crazy thinking. Some people don't get it, they think...Kenny, you are crazy stupid! But I look at things differently, we are a culture which lacks discipline and resolve. Sure some people have it, but we are normally just keeping ourselves busy, doing things, going places, being around people, things and what have you. We are gorging ourselves in what ever pleases us and gives us pleasure. I know, I know, I have probably said that all before. But it keeps coming up.

What I am finding out is how selfish I am. How incredibly selfish I am in getting my needs met, no matter what. In lack of discipline, especially in spiritual areas. There are areas in my life which I wish were different, and so I slowly start putting in place things that can help. One of those things is getting advice from others...always a good thing. We never will arrive here on earth and so we will never have all the answers and we can always gain understanding and wisdom from others.
I am reading Acts (apparently, if you read 10 chapters of the new testiment a day, you will read through the entire new testiment in a month) and it is incredible the things that the disciples were doing. It gets me thinking about today. What is so different? As I prayed this morning, a piece of a song popped into my head "and in the days Noah, people laughed and jeered, and when the rains came falling, it's too late". It is kinda like that now in society. You mention God or living a set apart, holy life and people laugh at you. Take for instance the fact that at one point I lived as a gay man. I stopped fighting and just lived life...with no regard for God, I threw in the towel. Now somepeople would say..."but Kenny, you where born that way, or Kenny, you are finally yourself", well, I think that for me, I just chose the easy way out, I stopped believing the truth, and started to believe all the things "people" started teaching me. Now realizing the truth, it is interesting how at times life can be difficult and challenging. Why? Because life was meant to be challenging and difficult. Why do we have the Psalms? Why is it that there are verses like Psalm 27:1-3

The lord is my light and salvation, in whom shall I fear, The Lord is my stronghold in whom shall I be afraid, when evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. though an army besiege me, my hear will not fear, though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.

It does not say...if, it says WHENand THOUGH. When evil men advance, When my enemies, though an army!!! So these struggles will come, it will be like an army advancing against us and yet, in that we need not be afraid, nor fearful and we can stand in confidence. Why? Because we can dwell in the house of the Lord forever. God is always there. So why wouldn't God just get rid of our enemies or the struggles in our life? In these struggles we rush to him. It is admitting our humanity and rushing to God. Isn't that self centered of God? Well, actually...not really. God knows that we will run to this and to that...rather than run to him. Even when we have learnt things once, we will still run away from God...if given a chance. So I think he allows things to happen, so we mature and grow. So that we can rely on him, rather than ourselves. It is like a loving father who cares for his children. Who teaches them the ways of life. God is teaching us the ways of life...and eventually eternal life.

So are you ready? Are you ready to face God? Are you willing to stop how you are living and seek after God, regardless of what that looks like to others? Are you willing to lay aside your own agenda and seek after holiness and purity? God doesn't want the lukewarm, he wants us hot and heavy. I challenge you to cry out to God and ask him to teach you what it means to live a life sold out to him.

Boston Pizza

Last year, on the way to the Exodus Freedom Conference, we stopped in Boston, well, drove through the downtown area and we where hungry. We had been looking for a place to eat and most places where closed already for the evening (it was 11 pm). I remember feeling frustrated during the drive, feeling my hunger and knowing my sugar level was plummeting and I was feeling rather grumpy...okay, I was just plain irritated. I was driving and everyone seemed just interested in sight seeing, and I couldn't see a thing, I was too busy trying to drive and pay attention. I could hear the irritation in some of the voices, as if I was supposed to know where I was! I remember feeling tired and alone. Strange to feel alone in a car full of people, and I wanted comfort and I wanted to eat. We finally stopped the van and car and when I got out, I felt relieved. Feeling the freedom of being out of the van, walking instead of driving and being able to relax and just unwind. We finally stumbled upon this small restaurant. We ordered deep dish pizza's (Boston style) and when they came, they were more than I could have dreamed of. Deep dish...incredible! Packed with cheese and vegetables and meat. Man it was good.

Looking back at that moment, I can see how little time I spent giving over my frustration to God. Did I allow him in to that moment or did I just go in my own strength (or weakness for that matter). God was there, but was an onlooker. I did not invite him to walk that experience with me. Sure, I was thankful to him for the Pizza and remember giving thanks to him. I think much like the Israelites, how they always questioned or forgot about God in the very times when they needed him, and then when God rescued them and blessed them, then they remembered.

As, I walk through this fast, today was a day of quietness, I spent it by going to church, then going home and getting a call from my brother who wanted to go out with me in the afternoon. It was good to spend time with him and chat about life and what is happening with him. I am leary of telling him that I am fasting, and really do not want to. As we shopped around for things that he needed, I looked at this and that and bought a few things, and sitting at home later, realizing that some of the things I bought, I really did not need. Looking back, I wonder how many times, I acknowledged God throughout the day. Sure, when the hunger pains hit or I thought about food, I would try and focus on asking God to fill me. I am wrestling with my desire for more of God and less of me. I have lived for so long endulging in getting my needs met...to comfort myself...to do things on my own. Yet in reality, as I sit having not eaten for a while, I realize the futility of my ways...of how I used to fill my time with just things or I would eat. There was little relating to others, or getting out of my comfort zone. I used to like weekends...because when there was nothing planned I could do what I pleased and just relax. Now, it is as if I wish the weekends did not exist. I see how little I do, and how little I serve and how little I relate to others. Maybe it is just the place I am in. I do know that I persevere on things, especially thinking of all the areas in my life "I need to change", and yet not sit and ask God to change me. When I do it on my own, it gets overwelming and heavy. When I sit and allow God in, and ask Him to change me, I feel at peace.

That happened at church today, as we finished communion and we prayed for one another. A friend asked...do I want prayer and I explained just what I said previous. That I needed to give that to God, because I was feeling rather overwelmed. She prayed, and big tears dropped, as I allowed God to minister to me, to say, it was okay for me to just let him do the work. To wait for him. The good work He started in me He will finish to completion. It may not be on this side of heaven, but He is faithful and true to His word.

Oh ya, I mentioned on one of my blogs that it was day 5 of lent and it is not actually, if you could shrove Tuesday that it is day 12 of lent and day 7 of the fast.
Thanks for the crew that is walking this journey with me. It is amazing to hear what God is doing in each of your lives.

Lord, watch over us, draw us near. Shelter us under the shelter of you wing. Reveal to us the magnitude of how much you love us and want for us to just allow you to move in our lives. Move in the hearts of those we pray for and Father God, capture the hearts of those who have been disillusioned by the enemy. You are amazing. Sustain us and hear our cries.
Amen

Lent...Day 5

I read recently in Hebrews that during Jesus' (God incarnate) life on earth, that he offered up prayer and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek.

There was a light bulb moment with these verses (Heb 5:7-10) as it revealed to me that Jesus suffered on earth. That he cried out with loud cries and tears to God to save him and that he was heard because of his reverent submission.

Why did Jesus of all people have to cry out to be saved and especially in this way? It shows that he felt pain, that there was angst in him in regards to struggles or suffering that he was enduring here on earth. There is a part of me that realizes that he knows my own struggle and that he brings peace and understanding as I cry out with loud cries and tears to God to save me. I know that He has heard me and I continue to submit with reverance.

Again, it often feels like a fire raging in my body, in my mind and those are the times when I need to cry out. Be that to a person, or to God or maybe to the cats! As I have written before, we are not on the earth just to get out of life, what we think we deserve or have our pleasures met whenever we feel like it. There is discipline and there is peace with that. There is control and there is grace with that. So I continue to press in. Part of the fast for me is to gain a better understanding of my relationship with God. It is reading the word and praying that the holy spirit makes it come alive in my life. It is serving the community around me in love.

I miss eating though. Today, my finely tuned smelling device smelt some wonderfully amazing food. My body aches and I long to comfort myself. Again, press in and see that the Lord is good, and he has nothing but good for me. He is my stonghold in whom shall I be afraid. He is my salvation in whom shall I fear. He provides for the littlest of creatures and so how much more will he supply my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

So I stand with the knowledge that life is not always easy, that my comfort needs to come from God. That even Christ suffered with loud cries and tears (glad to know I am not alone in that) and he understands me more than I realize.

Peace to you all!

First Day

Day 1

First day of Lent, the readings brought about a confirmation of the fast and the desire to pray and eat the word.
Today, I offer God my messy house:
My desires, needs, wants.
My uncovered sin and the dust bunnies that remain.
Things that I hide away, so I do not appear to have piles.
FEARS:
I lay them down, all of them. The fear of not loving hard enough or good enough. The fears of not being enough for anyone, let alone God. Of being smothered emotionally, which stunts my ability to take risks in love. Fears that I will walk away from this healing journey and the inability to be strong enough to fight temptations. Yet am reminded that I am not strong enough and that is carried with Christ, who is my strong tower…and I can run in anytime.
I read a quote from William Willimon today in my daily Lent readings and he says this:

The needs of the world are too great, the suffering and pain too extensive, the lures of the world too seductive for us to begin to change the world unless we are changed, unless conversion of life and morals becomes our pattern.
The status quo is too alluring. The only way we shall break its hold on us is to be transferred to another dominion to be cut loose from our old certainties, to be thrust under the flood and then pulled forth fresh and new born. (in talking about baptism)

It was so impressive the read this morning, talking about laying down our lives. To begin this adventure with that reading was what I needed.

Human body wise, I feel light headed, stomach growling and my eyes are tearing a lot (no emotion, but rather my body crying out for more water or something). So I drink, drink in the water and eat the word. My mind is focused on prayer. When I think of food (and tonight at the transition home, I made enchalada’s (put ready made ones in the oven) one of my favorite foods, as well as taco salad…another BIG favorite. So I am preparing and my thoughts, where were they? Surprisingly enough, not on the food. Apart from having to get someone to taste the dressing and see if it was okay, I was surprised and then again, was I? My prayer is that God continues to be my provision, my food, my provider of all good things, especially to meet my every need (desires and wants).

Hesed is good for me, it allows me to serve in practical ways. Tonight, it was poker. Texas hold’em and it was good. They staying in, rather than go out. We laughed and laughed and laughed. Hesed is about making friends with people who are just like me. They are children of God, they are loved by the beloved. They are my brothers and sisters and I love them. I love each one of them, in spite of what the world has thrown at them, in spite of how they live out sometimes in broken ways, I love them. I adore each one. It is a challenge sometimes when life gets busy, to try and cut something out of your life…make things simple. This is one place, I will not cut out.
So today, day 1, and it seems like forever in terms of how long this will last…yet it is not that long (a bit over 10 % of the year…that’s it) So I tithe this time, of getting closer to my Heavenly Father, my King, my treasured friend. I pray for answered prayers. I pray for God’s Kingdom to come and His will be done here on earth. I cry for those I love and wish knew and tasted the fruit in which I have tasted. It is good! It is also hard and I won’t deny that. It is hard to lay aside the desires of the flesh. Yet, why would I not do that for someone I love more than life itself. This life here is but a breath, when in eternity, I put my focus.

Philippians 2:3-11

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Take this cup...

Sometimes, I cry out to God...Take this cup...!
That I can no longer take this battle, this war, this fight against spirit and flesh. I know that the flesh in this world is strong. The desires, the pulls, the wants, the thoughts...they often lead me to places I no longer wish to travel to. So I stand my ground. I stand even when I do not feel like standing and I cry out to God, the giver of all good things and I cry out for mercy and grace to make it one more day.
Does this sound like I am denying myself? Does this sound like I am weak and utterly foolish? You better believe it!!! Without God, I am nothing, I am nothing. Without his saving me and leading me to a better place, I would surely have perished long ago. But He has a plan for my life, to prosper me and to bless me.
I watched the movie Jesus Camp tonight. It was well done. Do I agree with everything? No! But what I do believe is being sold out for Jesus! To deny myself, to count everything else as second best when it comes to where my heart's first desire is. Do I get it all the time and do I do it right? Nope...but I am trying. I am desiring more. What it means to lay everything down. Even when I cry out to God...to take this struggle from me...to ask him to relieve me...to seek his kingdom first.
God is doing things and shaking things up for me and leading me into a furnace...to heat it up and burn away all the crap that is still clinging on to me. When we sing refiners fire...my hearts one desire...what are we saying? We are saying...refine me, process me, take my heart, my mind and renew it, by your fire. What happens? All hell breaks loose. We feel like we are losing it at every turn. We have battles left right and center and in that we cry out to God to teach us and mold us and make us who he wants us to be. With lives that line up to his standard. With lives that line up to the word of God.
So when I cry out...take this cup...it is a cry of freedom, it is a cry of hope, it is a cry of wanting more of God and less of me.

listening

So I have not been posting...I have been way too busy and it has been kinda gross to be so busy. I recently came home from TO...and ya, it was great, I met some wonderfully, ridiculously good looking people and bonded with the TO staff. They are hilarious....with hearts that match. I also got to know the Winnipeg staff better and realized what a wonderful blessing it is to work along side such amazing people...each with a different story, but with hearts bursting with love.

So does this sound a bit like a soap opera...well, maybe, but what I know right now is that their hearts are held in mine.
I came home on Tuesday and went straight to LW and ministered, then Wednesday went and saw Jesus Christ Superstar...spent a bundle on the ticket, but it was worth it and yes...saving up for things like this is great. I took a friend of mine and we watched Ted Neely sing his heart out. It brought me to tears.

So a lot has happened in the last month. I went to Kansas City and fell in love...with Jesus...all over again. He takes my breath away...he was radical way before his time and no wonder the down and out people loved him. He was rocking the boat in all the social and religious circles, and he did it all out of love. Love for humanity, love for mankind. So I love him back with everything. Even when the struggles and insecurities raise their head, I know who is watching me and guiding me down this path of life. Jesus calls me to so much more than just sitting around picking my nose...really! He says to me..."Kenny...go and live..love...and live and love!" Do it all Kenny because I loved you first.

I love the term that someone said to me that "Jesus wrecked them". Well, he did that to me. He has turned my life upside down and inside out. When I think I am not qualified...I call out to him and ask for wisdom and revelation. When the doubts and fears come, I ask for peace and joy.

This past weekend, my boss (director) and his wife went to India to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary...and it is amazing their story of restoration...wow...WOW! So I am holding the fort so to speak and I have to say I am fearful to some degree. So the day they left, I had to work a shift at Hesed and prior to going to work I was really struggling and fighting thoughts of acting out...going for a sexual romp so to speak and I continually had to stop, cry out to God and wait in the moment. This fight has been long in coming. I have really been traveling on the coat tails of what I have learnt so far and now it is putting it into practice when the old thoughts and memories come up. Anyway, I was struggling, and I called some people and talked out what I was thinking and then I went to work at hesed and was mopping the floors....my usual routine, with bleach and water and I had flashbacks of times at specific establishments (okay bath houses) and I broke down, how much more could I take today...enough already. I stopped mopping and prayed
"God, I need some encouragement here...Hello God, can someone talk to me, call me...what ever, just help me!"
Not even 10 minutes later a resident came over and told me I was doing an amazing job and with that I nearly lost it. He blessed me beyond anything I could have hoped for, those few words I held on to...tightly.
Then another staff came over to the house and we chatted and I shared what was going on inside my head and she listened and I was so thankful for another God moment.
So, what am I saying here? What I am hopefully saying is that God answers! Sometimes, quick, sometimes slow, but he answers. I have to wait and listen.

Are things always easy? Nope and I said that right from the beginning of this journey. I have said I am taking the path less traveled. As I journey out, I do it with honesty and integrity. It is not always easy, but hey, most of us struggle with something, and I am reminded of that everyday with the people I meet and talk with and those people who are in my life.

Well, with that I bid farewell until next time. I usually do not make resolutions...and so I didn't but I have made some statements that I want to hold to this year.
That my first priority in life is my relationship with God.
My second priority is myself...taking care of my body, eating well, doing things that relax me. Spiritual, emotional and physical health...VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE!
Third...my relationship with those in my life...who I hold dear and love!
Fourth...ministry...my job as an urban missionary.
Fifth...everything else.

What I discovered this week is that I miss home cooked meals and I need to be cooking more.
I went to a drumming recital and signed up for an 8 week class. I am SO EXCITED!

It feels good to do things for me sometimes, to actually spend an evening home alone and enjoying the company!

Until next time! Much Hugs!