Porn...when is it going to end?

Dear Columbia House

Editor Winnipeg Free Press

Lately there has been an increase in reporting issues on sexuality in our culture. It has been amazing actually in the way things are being talked about, especially via your newspaper. People are free to talk about sexual addictions and the problems and come from that.

Yesterday, I was disturbed. I recently subscribed to the Columbia House DVD program and was shocked when I opened my mailing from them and found an insert that promoted the sale of pornography. I phoned them the next day to ask that I do not wish to have pornographic material sent to me via them. I have chosen not to have pornography in my home. I work with men and women who are trying to overcome their addictions to pornography and have seen the affects that porn has on adults. Most of them, this problem began as children, being exposed to pornography just by chance. This is the letter that I wrote to them.

"I am disturbed to find that you sent out pornography choices in the recent catalogue mailing (happy feet). It disturbs me that Columbia House as resorted to make money through the pornography industry. With problems increasing with sexual addiction in our society, it pains me to see this coming from you. You introduced pornographic material into my home. That is not acceptable in my opinion. I have chosen not to have material such as that enter my home and you purposefully included that in the mailing, with no regard. I will not support your company in this way and will reflect my choice and feelings with those whom I know and work with.

I work with men and women, who are struggling to overcome sexual addiction, some of whom have seen pictures as children and thus began a life long addiction. So I find it disturbing that you would promote pornography, for the sake of money and wealth and in the process partner with broken families, ruined lives and life long addictions.

I believe that you as a company can stand for righteousness and not play in to the denigration of our culture today."

With the issues of sexual addiction on the rise in our culture and the break down of marriages/partnerships dues to these addictions, I find it appalling that a large organization that reaches the homes of millions would include pornographic material. Especially into homes that include children. I believe as a society, we can stand and make a difference. Stand up and say no to large mail out organizations like Columbia House Canada. The woman I talked to said that some people want those mailings and so that is why they send them out. Yet, they did not ask me if I wanted pornographic material sent to me, they just sent it with no regard for my standard that I have set for myself, I wonder where our society is headed? So if I wrote in to Columbia House and asked them to send me material on bestiality, would they send that too me, or will it be included in a mail out? It is appalling to me. This has not happened just to me, as I shared this with a co-worker, she told me the same thing happened to a family member who phoned in and complained to them. They assured this person that they would never send out pornographic advertising. Interesting that this happened last year and surprise, they do send out material.

We have a problem in our society that says anything goes, regardless of who is harmed and I take a stand on this issue. I have seen too many men and women injured emotionally, and marriages destroyed due to the pornography industry, when is enough, enough and when will people stand up and shout that they are not going to take it anymore.

Sincerely, a man willing to stand up for other men and women and the children who are in the end the ones that suffer the most.

Kenny

Who do we listen to?

What strikes me in this photo is the image of hurt, shame, pain, of someone who is being hurt by another.

Interestingly enough, the last few weeks have brought an array of emotions, and I have had to face the fact that I often do not listen to the right person, especially in my relating to others.

There is a special someone in my life who I love beyond measure, who is tender, caring, who has the beauty of a flower blossoming after a cold and dreary winter. With that love, there comes a vulnerability in communicating, listening and just sacrificial loving. It is looking beyond myself and what I want and deserve and it is loving them beyond what I want to get back or think I need to get back. It is in a sense a maturing of how I see love. I am not perfect..."yep...I am not...can you picture that?" But I am willing to learn, grow and express love to this woman in ways I have never before. It is standing up as a man, taking leadership seriously, and learning to give.

I am also learning to listen to others, and more importantly God. We cannot rely on listening to just our feelings as that does not dictate to us who we are, or how we should behave or act out in. Who are we in God's eyes? Who does he say we are as his children? How should then we respond? Often we have a feeling and really...does it line up to what God says of us? Does it go contrary to the Word of God? For years, I labeled myself, and I walked in just how I felt. I did all that I could to "feel good" and to not feel anything contrary to pleasure. Now as I look back on the past 2 years and especially the last 6 months, I see that listening to the word of God, listening to who I am, regardless of how I feel, has brought about a measure of maturity that otherwise I would not have. I do not have it all together and make mistakes and will continue to, but my desire is to listen to God.

Listening to others is also beneficial in all areas of our lives. We have gone away from the "ask your elders" mentality. Rather we decide what is best for us...and that is it...period! There is no need to ask anyone for advice or their opinion...because we can do it all by ourselves, because in reality, we are individuality driven. I am learning to walk in community with others, to seek out Godly wisdom and advice from others. Do I accept everything...hmmm, not right away. I weigh that wisdom out, in terms of, does it line up to the Word of God? Does it go contrary to what God is saying? Lately, I have received much wisdom from people and it has been God directed. It is pushing me toward God and my relationship with him.

So life keeps on getting more interesting and fascinating to me. It brings about challenges and growing experiences and I welcome all of those different facets into my life. Someone that I know shared with me how I must just like excitement in my life, at all times. I had to think about that and I would agree that I like life to be exciting, because that is what life is about. When you start taking risks and starting thinking a bit on the edge, you begin living differently. I would say that I enjoy living on the edge, much like Jesus did. HE was radical, edgy and wow, the things he did, saw and experienced is for us here on earth as well. Embrace it, live it and enjoy it.

the way is pretty narrow, can you walk it?

I have talked about the road less traveled and the way of the cross. Tonight we spoke with a group of skaters. They requested that we come in and talk about the issues of homosexuality and what they can do in terms of relating to friends who have come out to them.

It was good, to talk to them, relate to them that regardless…you love your friends. Why is it so hard to love others? Authentically? Without pretense? Without judgement?

If we take the stand that in the end of days, it will not be us who stand doing the judging rather that of God, the eternal Father. He will judge us according to the things we have done here on earth. How we have chosen to live and experience life. I remember full well when that reality of truth entered my being.

It was a process of days, weeks, months, years, that brought about this realization, into full context for me. I believe that God gently woos us with his love. He is a respecter of people and will not force himself upon a person. Rather, he gently guides.

I remember traveling to and from Vancouver, when I lived in Langley. One day, the sunrises struck me with awe. Then it was the sunsets that struck me. I remember commenting all the time at how they looked. It was really amazing actually. At times, I would just sit quietly looking in amazement at this wonderful creation experience. Each sunset and sunrise was different, often bringing about a different expression of love. Deep down, I knew that God was doing something. You can suppress God and the things he is doing, and your heart becomes cold and hardened. I had done that. I forgot about him. I forgot to take delight in the things he was showing me and trying to teach me. I was walking in rebellion to how he wanted me to live. In the midst of that rebellion however, I learnt a lot about life. God has shown me that he was there in the midst of the rebellion...waiting for me to decide.

Rebellion feels good for a while. You get a feeling of invincibility. You don’t think of the consequences of your actions, rather, you live for the moment, getting your pleasures met. We are living in a world where rebellion is a common practice. Theology is twisted to meet our needs, our wants and our desires. I once took great delight in the way it proved that the way I wanted to live made sense, rather than the more narrow way of God. Did I seek God in how I wanted to live? Did I pray that the holy spirit would direct my course?

In the end God continued to draw me and love me, regardless of the choices I had made. I started to dream dreams, and started to feel a deep unsettling in my inner man and realized that I could not go on any more in my quest to meet my own needs and desires the way I wanted them met.

I believe fully that God is shaking up his people, beginning in the church and extending outward. I believe that we are in the last days, and God is a jealous God. He wants to be in relationship with his people. He wants us to know him.

Life is but a breath compared to eternity and I desire to be seeking after God in all I do. In all the actions and plans that have to be made, I desire God to be the head of those plans.

Often times, the world will look at these thoughts and laugh. I have been listening to an artist named Misty Edwards and she sings a song about Noah, and these days are like Noah’s days. People will laugh at us when we choose God and the things he calls us to do. When we fast and pray, people will not understand! When we look to serve and give way past our means. When we lay down our lives for another. When we lay down our own fleshly desires to follow after God and His desires. It is foolish to the ways of the world. Yet, I am not apart of the world. I am an alien to the world. I am here to do God’s will. To serve him.

It sounds like life would be zero fun, yet, there is much joy and peace knowing that God is in control of everything.

So I continue to walk the narrow path. Trusting that no matter what, God in his love for me, his child will guide me and protect me and provide for my every need.

Rend my heart

Joel 2:12 "Even now," declares the Lord, "Return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." Rend your heart (which means turn so radically from sin that it causes discomfort) and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing, grain offerings and drink offerings for the Lord your God.
Blow the trumpet in Zion, declare a holy fast, call a sacred assembly. Gather the people, consecrate the assembly; bring together the elders, gather the children, those nursing at the breasts. Let the bridegroom leave his room and the bride her chamber. Let the priests who minister before the Lord, weep between the temple porch and the altar. Let them say, "Spare your people, O Lord. Do not make your inheritance an object of scorn, a byword among the nations. Why should they say among the peoples, "where is their God?"

Tonight, I finished the book Rewards of Fasting by Mike Bickle and Dana Candler. It is challenged me and made me realize that my life needs to be different. I want it to be different. I am so prone to Western Christianity...this feel good, pleasure seeking society. I am a sinner, yes saved by grace, but a sinner still. I fail miserably in devotions, prayer and battle doing things on my own, rather than in community with others. I want to see God move in dramatic ways in my life, because I want to be a willing servant of my most high God. I long to see the bridegroom come. But that takes effort...on our behalf. Complacency and apathy does not line up with the end time church. I do not want that...I want to be prepared when the things of this earth get even more evil, I want to know how to respond to those who cry out.

I believe there will come a day when we will see things so evil that it will cause us to cry out in fear, but I want to be prepared...to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit, to move in the gifts that Jesus is pouring out on his bride. I felt this fear...while living on the coast. I did not know how to express it with words, but I knew that there was something stirring in the heavenlies and I believe God moved in my life to change my direction and my course in life. If we believe everything is controled by God then I believe that he directed my path.

I want to press in, now more than anything, to forsake all else and follow after him. What does that mean to forsake all else? Everything that takes us away from serving God. Everything in our life is about him! It is serving, giving, loving and seeking to lay down our lives for others. It is a challenging and difficult path, one that is not chosen by many, but I desire to be one of those that does that. To enter into a new race...with much training and experiences.

What will this look like? Not sure at the moment...seeking God in where he is going to take this desire that is in my heart. I am praying for many things and how it will come about, I leave that to the one in control.

Jehovah...I love you and seek to walk in the way you walked, in laying down my life for others, to serve, to be the lowest of the low, to trust my Heavenly Father and seek his face in all that I do. To spend time prayer and fasting. To give away everything and not count it as loss, but gain. Lord teach me, strengthen me, for you are good, you have only good for me, even in the dark moments. You are my light and my salvation in whom shall I fear. You hold me in your grip and so I have nothing to be afraid of. Even when temptations and evil surround me to kill me and eat me up, you will cause that to fall away in a mess. I will not fear and I will be confident. I will seek you and dwell with you and look upon your beauty...all the days of my life.
amen

Throne Room

Today is day 20. I cannot believe it has been 20 days. How strange it is not to eat, not to do things the same as before. To rely on God for everything, especially to sustain you and strengthen you. It says that he will strengthen us in our weakness and sustain us. So that is my hearts cry even more as I go forward.
Things have not been over the top crazy in terms of prayer times and so today, I really wanted to press in. To go deeper than I have been. So the book I am reading suggested to pray in the spirit for an hour. I was like...you have to be kidding. But I was interested in trying it and within 10 minutes was a sobbing mess. I continued to pray and cry and then would wait to receive from God. I sensed that I was in the throne room of God. Standing before him, as he sat on the throne. It was like I was pleading my case, telling him everything I had done and I felt so much remorse. I felt an overwelming feeling of being deeply repentant. God then wrapped his arms around me and placed his cheek on my head and just held me. Like a father would hold his crying son, My Father held me. He held me secure, and I sobbed all the more, knowing that no matter what I had done, He loved me. He cared for me and would not leave me. Time passed. Everytime I tried to speak, it was just sobs. So I just relaxed in the presence.
A peace came over me and I sat there, in silence, knowing that something amazing had just taken place. I cannot explain it better than this. It was personal, sweet and something that I will remember. I long to experience more of that. To take the time to know that my Father in heaven loves me and will enlarge my heart to take in more of his love.

So the fast, I have been surrounded by food, by people apologizing and saying they are sorry that I am not eating, or apologize that they are eating. Hunger left after about day 10. It is strange not to eat, and to be satisfied by time spent in the word and in prayer. I have a yearning to serve and do things for others. So I step out in that in little ways. God is doing a good work...and he will not stop until it is completed and I am a willing vessel.

I sense a newness, a refreshing and a joy that will spring forth. I welcome it God. I welcome your ways and patiently wait for your blessings.

Remembering

Last night I came home from Living Waters and spent some time praying and my mind was on a man that I know in the hospital and I had the sense to pray and lift him up to the Lord. I thanked the Lord for this man, but I also prayed that God would comfort him and bring him peace, that when the time was right to take him home. That Jesus would welcome him into the kingdom. I planned on seeing him tonight, but also had a feeling that I would not see him again. I cried. The emotions flooded to the surface and I knew that God was right there with this man. The next day I got the message, that he had passed on the night before.
So today I remember that friend. I knew him for a short time and today I thought it was way to short, but in looking back, God brought that friend into my life to teach me many wonderful things about life, relationships and strength of character. You see, he is now rejoicing in heaven, with his wonderful saviour, friend and Father. I look at his life with awe and amazement. He experienced much, and so he loved much. We would sit together sharing moments of laughter and sorrow and often through excruciating pain. We watched musicals and shared our stories. He would ask me many questions about faith and God and grace. He was eager to understand and often doubted...much like Thomas, and so Jesus allowed Thomas to feel his nail pierced hands. I believe that this gentle man, was given that same blessing from Jesus as he entered into the throne room of the most high King. I am thankful for the many wonderful things I learnt from him and will miss him. I think of the joys of gardening that he had and the long walks and yet how hard it was for him to enjoy even that. The picture here, is what he would have loved to look at and frolic in. He would have handled the flowers with care and tended it with much love.

It is hard too, I know that he is in heaven, he is free of pain and suffering, yet I miss his smile, his warm hugs as he thanked me for giving him care and looking after the little things. For taking the time to just listen to him, I will miss those times most of all. Strange how death works, especially for those who you know will find greater comfort not to be in their earthly bodies.

I am blessed to work at a place that provides such amazing care and support for those who live and breath in the home. I often say to people that Monday is my favourite day of the week. It is not a hardship to do a double shift of to rush from one job to the other, it is a blessing to me. To share Christ in practical ways. To cook, clean and love others.

So to the men and women, to the Director, the staff, volunteers who give and give over and above what is asked or called for, I pray God will bless you and strengthen you. He cherishes each and everyone of you. He sees your heart and is glad. I pray that our Father will comfort and give you all peace that knows no end.

...and thank you Jesus, for welcoming our brother into your kingdom...

amen
I love you!

disciples

Sometimes I feel like escaping to the moon...in time like these I like to be reminded of what life is really like and that I am not cracking up crazy!!!

I am quoting the following from the book "Starving Jesus" by craig gross and j.r. mahon
This list serves as a guide for all that I am and all that I need to be:

A disciple doubts
A disciple deceives
A disciple denies
A disciple forgets
A disciple fears
A disciple changes lives
A disciple is arrogant
A disciple denies himself
A disciple believes Jesus is savior
A disciple heals
A disciple leads
A disciple hides
A disciple is human
A disciple loves
A disciple protects
A disciple protects
A disciple is radical
A disciple gives his life for others
A disciple dies for faith
A disciple sins
A disciple is called to be a disciple
A disciple falls away from Christ
A disciple prays
A disciple leads people to Christ
A disciple gets in the grill of others
A disciple has little faith
A disciple has no attachment to religion
A disciple will write
A disciple will teach
A disciple will lie
A disciple will tell the truth
A disciple forgives
A disciple asks for forgiveness
A disciple rants
A disciple travels
A disciple fasts
A disciple questions
A disciple hopes
A disciple gets angry
A disciple does not worry
A disciple worries
A disciple likes money
A disciple doesn't worry about money
A disciple has friends
A disciple has a church
A disciple gives up

This list sums a lot up, and for me, I'd like to be taking and adding to this list daily. It keeps me humble. Does anyone have anything to add to the list?

Supply me

Supply me my every need, my ever want and my every desire. There is nothing greater than you and nothing that can satisfy, quite like you. God my God, my one and only. When life seems to fade by and there seems no hope in anything, you oh God supply my every need. You give to me that which seemed dead and gone.

Today was hard, my body fades quickly today as I went about my job, yet I was thankful that I was sitting at a desk. But concentrating on emailing responses was difficult. It was hard to give structure to my thoughts. Front line ministry, so crying out was good, to just pray for more of him and less of me. I am realizing many things about myself and I find it interesting that fasting will do this. It strips away everything until you are bare, rare and naked. Asking the Holy Spirit to reveal everything that seperates you from God. It is radical, crazy thinking. Some people don't get it, they think...Kenny, you are crazy stupid! But I look at things differently, we are a culture which lacks discipline and resolve. Sure some people have it, but we are normally just keeping ourselves busy, doing things, going places, being around people, things and what have you. We are gorging ourselves in what ever pleases us and gives us pleasure. I know, I know, I have probably said that all before. But it keeps coming up.

What I am finding out is how selfish I am. How incredibly selfish I am in getting my needs met, no matter what. In lack of discipline, especially in spiritual areas. There are areas in my life which I wish were different, and so I slowly start putting in place things that can help. One of those things is getting advice from others...always a good thing. We never will arrive here on earth and so we will never have all the answers and we can always gain understanding and wisdom from others.
I am reading Acts (apparently, if you read 10 chapters of the new testiment a day, you will read through the entire new testiment in a month) and it is incredible the things that the disciples were doing. It gets me thinking about today. What is so different? As I prayed this morning, a piece of a song popped into my head "and in the days Noah, people laughed and jeered, and when the rains came falling, it's too late". It is kinda like that now in society. You mention God or living a set apart, holy life and people laugh at you. Take for instance the fact that at one point I lived as a gay man. I stopped fighting and just lived life...with no regard for God, I threw in the towel. Now somepeople would say..."but Kenny, you where born that way, or Kenny, you are finally yourself", well, I think that for me, I just chose the easy way out, I stopped believing the truth, and started to believe all the things "people" started teaching me. Now realizing the truth, it is interesting how at times life can be difficult and challenging. Why? Because life was meant to be challenging and difficult. Why do we have the Psalms? Why is it that there are verses like Psalm 27:1-3

The lord is my light and salvation, in whom shall I fear, The Lord is my stronghold in whom shall I be afraid, when evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. though an army besiege me, my hear will not fear, though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.

It does not say...if, it says WHENand THOUGH. When evil men advance, When my enemies, though an army!!! So these struggles will come, it will be like an army advancing against us and yet, in that we need not be afraid, nor fearful and we can stand in confidence. Why? Because we can dwell in the house of the Lord forever. God is always there. So why wouldn't God just get rid of our enemies or the struggles in our life? In these struggles we rush to him. It is admitting our humanity and rushing to God. Isn't that self centered of God? Well, actually...not really. God knows that we will run to this and to that...rather than run to him. Even when we have learnt things once, we will still run away from God...if given a chance. So I think he allows things to happen, so we mature and grow. So that we can rely on him, rather than ourselves. It is like a loving father who cares for his children. Who teaches them the ways of life. God is teaching us the ways of life...and eventually eternal life.

So are you ready? Are you ready to face God? Are you willing to stop how you are living and seek after God, regardless of what that looks like to others? Are you willing to lay aside your own agenda and seek after holiness and purity? God doesn't want the lukewarm, he wants us hot and heavy. I challenge you to cry out to God and ask him to teach you what it means to live a life sold out to him.

Boston Pizza

Last year, on the way to the Exodus Freedom Conference, we stopped in Boston, well, drove through the downtown area and we where hungry. We had been looking for a place to eat and most places where closed already for the evening (it was 11 pm). I remember feeling frustrated during the drive, feeling my hunger and knowing my sugar level was plummeting and I was feeling rather grumpy...okay, I was just plain irritated. I was driving and everyone seemed just interested in sight seeing, and I couldn't see a thing, I was too busy trying to drive and pay attention. I could hear the irritation in some of the voices, as if I was supposed to know where I was! I remember feeling tired and alone. Strange to feel alone in a car full of people, and I wanted comfort and I wanted to eat. We finally stopped the van and car and when I got out, I felt relieved. Feeling the freedom of being out of the van, walking instead of driving and being able to relax and just unwind. We finally stumbled upon this small restaurant. We ordered deep dish pizza's (Boston style) and when they came, they were more than I could have dreamed of. Deep dish...incredible! Packed with cheese and vegetables and meat. Man it was good.

Looking back at that moment, I can see how little time I spent giving over my frustration to God. Did I allow him in to that moment or did I just go in my own strength (or weakness for that matter). God was there, but was an onlooker. I did not invite him to walk that experience with me. Sure, I was thankful to him for the Pizza and remember giving thanks to him. I think much like the Israelites, how they always questioned or forgot about God in the very times when they needed him, and then when God rescued them and blessed them, then they remembered.

As, I walk through this fast, today was a day of quietness, I spent it by going to church, then going home and getting a call from my brother who wanted to go out with me in the afternoon. It was good to spend time with him and chat about life and what is happening with him. I am leary of telling him that I am fasting, and really do not want to. As we shopped around for things that he needed, I looked at this and that and bought a few things, and sitting at home later, realizing that some of the things I bought, I really did not need. Looking back, I wonder how many times, I acknowledged God throughout the day. Sure, when the hunger pains hit or I thought about food, I would try and focus on asking God to fill me. I am wrestling with my desire for more of God and less of me. I have lived for so long endulging in getting my needs met...to comfort myself...to do things on my own. Yet in reality, as I sit having not eaten for a while, I realize the futility of my ways...of how I used to fill my time with just things or I would eat. There was little relating to others, or getting out of my comfort zone. I used to like weekends...because when there was nothing planned I could do what I pleased and just relax. Now, it is as if I wish the weekends did not exist. I see how little I do, and how little I serve and how little I relate to others. Maybe it is just the place I am in. I do know that I persevere on things, especially thinking of all the areas in my life "I need to change", and yet not sit and ask God to change me. When I do it on my own, it gets overwelming and heavy. When I sit and allow God in, and ask Him to change me, I feel at peace.

That happened at church today, as we finished communion and we prayed for one another. A friend asked...do I want prayer and I explained just what I said previous. That I needed to give that to God, because I was feeling rather overwelmed. She prayed, and big tears dropped, as I allowed God to minister to me, to say, it was okay for me to just let him do the work. To wait for him. The good work He started in me He will finish to completion. It may not be on this side of heaven, but He is faithful and true to His word.

Oh ya, I mentioned on one of my blogs that it was day 5 of lent and it is not actually, if you could shrove Tuesday that it is day 12 of lent and day 7 of the fast.
Thanks for the crew that is walking this journey with me. It is amazing to hear what God is doing in each of your lives.

Lord, watch over us, draw us near. Shelter us under the shelter of you wing. Reveal to us the magnitude of how much you love us and want for us to just allow you to move in our lives. Move in the hearts of those we pray for and Father God, capture the hearts of those who have been disillusioned by the enemy. You are amazing. Sustain us and hear our cries.
Amen

Lent...Day 5

I read recently in Hebrews that during Jesus' (God incarnate) life on earth, that he offered up prayer and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek.

There was a light bulb moment with these verses (Heb 5:7-10) as it revealed to me that Jesus suffered on earth. That he cried out with loud cries and tears to God to save him and that he was heard because of his reverent submission.

Why did Jesus of all people have to cry out to be saved and especially in this way? It shows that he felt pain, that there was angst in him in regards to struggles or suffering that he was enduring here on earth. There is a part of me that realizes that he knows my own struggle and that he brings peace and understanding as I cry out with loud cries and tears to God to save me. I know that He has heard me and I continue to submit with reverance.

Again, it often feels like a fire raging in my body, in my mind and those are the times when I need to cry out. Be that to a person, or to God or maybe to the cats! As I have written before, we are not on the earth just to get out of life, what we think we deserve or have our pleasures met whenever we feel like it. There is discipline and there is peace with that. There is control and there is grace with that. So I continue to press in. Part of the fast for me is to gain a better understanding of my relationship with God. It is reading the word and praying that the holy spirit makes it come alive in my life. It is serving the community around me in love.

I miss eating though. Today, my finely tuned smelling device smelt some wonderfully amazing food. My body aches and I long to comfort myself. Again, press in and see that the Lord is good, and he has nothing but good for me. He is my stonghold in whom shall I be afraid. He is my salvation in whom shall I fear. He provides for the littlest of creatures and so how much more will he supply my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

So I stand with the knowledge that life is not always easy, that my comfort needs to come from God. That even Christ suffered with loud cries and tears (glad to know I am not alone in that) and he understands me more than I realize.

Peace to you all!

First Day

Day 1

First day of Lent, the readings brought about a confirmation of the fast and the desire to pray and eat the word.
Today, I offer God my messy house:
My desires, needs, wants.
My uncovered sin and the dust bunnies that remain.
Things that I hide away, so I do not appear to have piles.
FEARS:
I lay them down, all of them. The fear of not loving hard enough or good enough. The fears of not being enough for anyone, let alone God. Of being smothered emotionally, which stunts my ability to take risks in love. Fears that I will walk away from this healing journey and the inability to be strong enough to fight temptations. Yet am reminded that I am not strong enough and that is carried with Christ, who is my strong tower…and I can run in anytime.
I read a quote from William Willimon today in my daily Lent readings and he says this:

The needs of the world are too great, the suffering and pain too extensive, the lures of the world too seductive for us to begin to change the world unless we are changed, unless conversion of life and morals becomes our pattern.
The status quo is too alluring. The only way we shall break its hold on us is to be transferred to another dominion to be cut loose from our old certainties, to be thrust under the flood and then pulled forth fresh and new born. (in talking about baptism)

It was so impressive the read this morning, talking about laying down our lives. To begin this adventure with that reading was what I needed.

Human body wise, I feel light headed, stomach growling and my eyes are tearing a lot (no emotion, but rather my body crying out for more water or something). So I drink, drink in the water and eat the word. My mind is focused on prayer. When I think of food (and tonight at the transition home, I made enchalada’s (put ready made ones in the oven) one of my favorite foods, as well as taco salad…another BIG favorite. So I am preparing and my thoughts, where were they? Surprisingly enough, not on the food. Apart from having to get someone to taste the dressing and see if it was okay, I was surprised and then again, was I? My prayer is that God continues to be my provision, my food, my provider of all good things, especially to meet my every need (desires and wants).

Hesed is good for me, it allows me to serve in practical ways. Tonight, it was poker. Texas hold’em and it was good. They staying in, rather than go out. We laughed and laughed and laughed. Hesed is about making friends with people who are just like me. They are children of God, they are loved by the beloved. They are my brothers and sisters and I love them. I love each one of them, in spite of what the world has thrown at them, in spite of how they live out sometimes in broken ways, I love them. I adore each one. It is a challenge sometimes when life gets busy, to try and cut something out of your life…make things simple. This is one place, I will not cut out.
So today, day 1, and it seems like forever in terms of how long this will last…yet it is not that long (a bit over 10 % of the year…that’s it) So I tithe this time, of getting closer to my Heavenly Father, my King, my treasured friend. I pray for answered prayers. I pray for God’s Kingdom to come and His will be done here on earth. I cry for those I love and wish knew and tasted the fruit in which I have tasted. It is good! It is also hard and I won’t deny that. It is hard to lay aside the desires of the flesh. Yet, why would I not do that for someone I love more than life itself. This life here is but a breath, when in eternity, I put my focus.

Philippians 2:3-11

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Take this cup...

Sometimes, I cry out to God...Take this cup...!
That I can no longer take this battle, this war, this fight against spirit and flesh. I know that the flesh in this world is strong. The desires, the pulls, the wants, the thoughts...they often lead me to places I no longer wish to travel to. So I stand my ground. I stand even when I do not feel like standing and I cry out to God, the giver of all good things and I cry out for mercy and grace to make it one more day.
Does this sound like I am denying myself? Does this sound like I am weak and utterly foolish? You better believe it!!! Without God, I am nothing, I am nothing. Without his saving me and leading me to a better place, I would surely have perished long ago. But He has a plan for my life, to prosper me and to bless me.
I watched the movie Jesus Camp tonight. It was well done. Do I agree with everything? No! But what I do believe is being sold out for Jesus! To deny myself, to count everything else as second best when it comes to where my heart's first desire is. Do I get it all the time and do I do it right? Nope...but I am trying. I am desiring more. What it means to lay everything down. Even when I cry out to God...to take this struggle from me...to ask him to relieve me...to seek his kingdom first.
God is doing things and shaking things up for me and leading me into a furnace...to heat it up and burn away all the crap that is still clinging on to me. When we sing refiners fire...my hearts one desire...what are we saying? We are saying...refine me, process me, take my heart, my mind and renew it, by your fire. What happens? All hell breaks loose. We feel like we are losing it at every turn. We have battles left right and center and in that we cry out to God to teach us and mold us and make us who he wants us to be. With lives that line up to his standard. With lives that line up to the word of God.
So when I cry out...take this cup...it is a cry of freedom, it is a cry of hope, it is a cry of wanting more of God and less of me.

listening

So I have not been posting...I have been way too busy and it has been kinda gross to be so busy. I recently came home from TO...and ya, it was great, I met some wonderfully, ridiculously good looking people and bonded with the TO staff. They are hilarious....with hearts that match. I also got to know the Winnipeg staff better and realized what a wonderful blessing it is to work along side such amazing people...each with a different story, but with hearts bursting with love.

So does this sound a bit like a soap opera...well, maybe, but what I know right now is that their hearts are held in mine.
I came home on Tuesday and went straight to LW and ministered, then Wednesday went and saw Jesus Christ Superstar...spent a bundle on the ticket, but it was worth it and yes...saving up for things like this is great. I took a friend of mine and we watched Ted Neely sing his heart out. It brought me to tears.

So a lot has happened in the last month. I went to Kansas City and fell in love...with Jesus...all over again. He takes my breath away...he was radical way before his time and no wonder the down and out people loved him. He was rocking the boat in all the social and religious circles, and he did it all out of love. Love for humanity, love for mankind. So I love him back with everything. Even when the struggles and insecurities raise their head, I know who is watching me and guiding me down this path of life. Jesus calls me to so much more than just sitting around picking my nose...really! He says to me..."Kenny...go and live..love...and live and love!" Do it all Kenny because I loved you first.

I love the term that someone said to me that "Jesus wrecked them". Well, he did that to me. He has turned my life upside down and inside out. When I think I am not qualified...I call out to him and ask for wisdom and revelation. When the doubts and fears come, I ask for peace and joy.

This past weekend, my boss (director) and his wife went to India to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary...and it is amazing their story of restoration...wow...WOW! So I am holding the fort so to speak and I have to say I am fearful to some degree. So the day they left, I had to work a shift at Hesed and prior to going to work I was really struggling and fighting thoughts of acting out...going for a sexual romp so to speak and I continually had to stop, cry out to God and wait in the moment. This fight has been long in coming. I have really been traveling on the coat tails of what I have learnt so far and now it is putting it into practice when the old thoughts and memories come up. Anyway, I was struggling, and I called some people and talked out what I was thinking and then I went to work at hesed and was mopping the floors....my usual routine, with bleach and water and I had flashbacks of times at specific establishments (okay bath houses) and I broke down, how much more could I take today...enough already. I stopped mopping and prayed
"God, I need some encouragement here...Hello God, can someone talk to me, call me...what ever, just help me!"
Not even 10 minutes later a resident came over and told me I was doing an amazing job and with that I nearly lost it. He blessed me beyond anything I could have hoped for, those few words I held on to...tightly.
Then another staff came over to the house and we chatted and I shared what was going on inside my head and she listened and I was so thankful for another God moment.
So, what am I saying here? What I am hopefully saying is that God answers! Sometimes, quick, sometimes slow, but he answers. I have to wait and listen.

Are things always easy? Nope and I said that right from the beginning of this journey. I have said I am taking the path less traveled. As I journey out, I do it with honesty and integrity. It is not always easy, but hey, most of us struggle with something, and I am reminded of that everyday with the people I meet and talk with and those people who are in my life.

Well, with that I bid farewell until next time. I usually do not make resolutions...and so I didn't but I have made some statements that I want to hold to this year.
That my first priority in life is my relationship with God.
My second priority is myself...taking care of my body, eating well, doing things that relax me. Spiritual, emotional and physical health...VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE!
Third...my relationship with those in my life...who I hold dear and love!
Fourth...ministry...my job as an urban missionary.
Fifth...everything else.

What I discovered this week is that I miss home cooked meals and I need to be cooking more.
I went to a drumming recital and signed up for an 8 week class. I am SO EXCITED!

It feels good to do things for me sometimes, to actually spend an evening home alone and enjoying the company!

Until next time! Much Hugs!

Enjoying the Pain!!!!

Sometimes life has a habit of bringing death. I took this picture while in Vancouver, walking along the beach in November. As I look at the picture now, I am reminded of how I am like that rose. The petals, darkened and the color gone, and falling off, revealing the seeds. The stem still yet green and vibrant.
I am like the rose. I feel like with this new life, there is a lot of death. I have had to put to death lots of things in my life in order for me to live and to truly live free. I am nothing without the vibrant green of my Father who gives me life.
Is it painful, hell yes. Awful pain sometimes. Right now I am going through that pain in a new way, a deeper way. I was saying to someone, that if it was not for who God is in my life, I would be dead right about now. Christmas is not my favorite holiday. I think it used to be in previous years, but I often feel depressed and sad. So I started to pray into this and wonder why! I try to think back at my life, as a child and wonder if there was happy memories for me at Christmas. I can't seem to find any memories. I can't seem to think of what traditions I have that I grew up with. It is sad. It is sad. It is sad. So I welcome that sadness and grieve the lose of what should have been and so I can move forward, even if that means taking baby steps, I am ready.
I have begun to do things that I love. To form my own traditions. Being single at times does not help, and there are days that I long to do this with someone else, but really, I need to know what I...Kenny I love to do. Before that happens, I feel like I am just selfish to want someone, because then I would be scared that I would be defined by that person, instead of really knowing me.
Again, there are good memories that I have as well, of stockings, sleeping in, cocktail parties and laughter after having a few martini's and enjoying getting to know people. So it is in a sense creating that for myself here.
But it still makes me sad...and I am fine with that. There will be a time when I am no longer sad and I can laugh and "be of good cheer" but right now, this is the season I am in. It may last a day, a week or a month, but I welcome this time of feeling. I welcome this time even though I feel like shit, and it's painful, because I know that this does not define me, I know that God is doing something, bringing me deeper into the knowledge of what his character is who I am in Christ. So I can come out of this with a deeper resolve, a deeper love and a deeper desire to know God at all cost.
Peace to those who are going through turmoil, sadness and grief, may God be the keeper of your soul and bring you comfort when you need comfort. May he surround you with the deep love that he gives so freely. Rest in the knowledge that God is doing a good work, even though it is painful, know that he is right there walking along side of you holding on to you with every part of his being...amen.

make my path straight

Today, we put on a one day conference on gender issues. It was good. I shared and talked with people and how they can love like Christ.

I love doing that, I love it...yet, it is tiring. So I took this photo this year when my friend Jeanne came and visited me. It was good to practice taking photo's at night. I love the orange.

Today, I realized something that I have to do for me. Something that I need to address in my life, something that is hard to do, but for me, it is important.
I have taken steps this past year to focus on living a healthy life and what that means. Sometimes that means saying or doing things that may or may not make people happy, yet, there are times when you just have to do it for your own well being.
So I am not sure how that will look, or what the results of this decision will be, but I trust in God my Father that He will make my paths straight. That he will be glorified in my life. I look to him for my strength and I look to him for my guidance.
But this is short, as I am off to my life group. I enjoy this group of people, we do life together and are slowly being knit together, sharing our lives with one another. That is what it is all about.
But first, have to go feed the cats, put food in my stomach and breath for a moment or two.
If there is any prayer warriors out there...please pray for my finances. I am trusting in God to do a miracle, as I try to be a faithful steward in what he gives me.

Dreaming of more....

So here are some pictures from this summer that I took, practicing with my digital camera. It is not the best camera, but I enjoy what I can do with it. I love film...and the joy of waiting for the pictures to come, but also like the instant feel with a digital. I need a bigger pixel camera, but I can wait on that. I am just enjoying this for the time being...baby steps into the realm of the digital world!!!!

Today, I am just happy to be here on earth. Life is crazy, seems like everything is falling apart in terms of my family, relations, and yet I sit back and cozy up with the cats or go for a walk and realize that I have it pretty darn good.

Things could be a whole lot worse. I could be living on the street, I could be sick, I could be alone. That for me is the biggest realization. That I am not alone. Even if I never see another person in my life, I know that God is present with me. That I cannot go anywhere without him.
I am reading "Messy Spirituality" my Michael Yaconelli and it is an amazing book. God's annoying love for Imperfect people. I thank God in my brokenness and my imperfection. I thank God for the imperfect people in my life...and in part...those who know they are imperfect....I love you!!!

I was reading a co-workers blog and saw pictures of Europe and then got thinking of my trip there years ago and praying for a time to go back. To go on a vacation. An actual vacation away from Canada. I have never been on an actual Vacation outside of Canada (apart from a trip to Mexico years ago with my sister and we both got so sick that we had to go to a hospital, cutting short our already short vacation). I have always wanted to see the world. To experience and meet people from all over the world. I am not a big tourist attraction type of guy...take me to the small villages and let me experience the small cafes and shops and scenery. Let me experience the people and their lives. That for me is seeing the world. So I pray that I can go on a vacation one day. Where I can play in the warm surf, walk in the rain forest, go into a desert, or on a safari. This is a different way of thinking...for me. I used to think that this was not a right to be able to go and experience the world...especially when I see millions of people that will never travel, or if they do it is for survival. But today, I long to go, long to go and enjoy the world that God created, to meet people from all walks of life. For the world to impact me in a deeper way.
Today, I dream!

grey cup,,,rah rah rah

okay, trying hard to remain sane in what appears to be an insane time. Have been listening to Crazy by an artist Gnarls Barkley...it is my theme song right now.
Life is crazy. What I don't know, is how things are going to proceed like they are now. I know that things are happening with my family because they need to change...but it hurts, it is painful and it is crappy beyond measure. What I do know is that I have to pray, I have to lay down the hurts and the ways that I would normally cope, because they aren't working too well right now.
So I have to do things differently.
What I do know is that in the past, when family became too hard to deal with I would seek out sex to make myself feel better. Now, I allow myself to feel this. To allow myself to go to this place as hard as it is. I am not supposed to feel good all the time...so why do I think that I am supposed to.
As Christmas approaches, I just want to go to a deserted beach somewhere, stay in a grass hut and lay on the beach. In a sense, I am wanting to run away...find some solace and some peace. Being single at 40, with no children...no home of my own, is often difficult. In societies terms I should have that all by now. I should have a home, wife, kids and have it all together...yet, I don't. So I am trying to create memories and good times now. Don't get me wrong. I love being single, there is a part of me that knows the liberty of being single, yet there is this part of me that also longs to be in relation with a woman. To serve her, to honor her and to love her beyond measure.
So there are a lot of things going on for me. I often find that it is not just one thing that happens but a lot...all at once. Yet, I have this inner peace...apart from the frustration and sadness...and frustration, there is this deep part of me that is at peace.
Today, I tried to fix my vacuum...ah, I know why I am not a trades man. I was frustrated and it kinda worked, but not quite, so I will bring it in all the pieces to the Vacuum repair person on Monday. Oh, the things we do. At least I know what the inside of a vacuum looks like.
Well...now I am rambling...not making sense of too much. I am typing on the new lap top...(work one) and it is quite nice. Thanks to the awesome computer guy...Andrew for putting it together...I owe you man...I hear you like a good beer!!!!
Okay, my cyber friends...ones I have never met...take it easy...love those around you, for you never know when they won't be there.
Shalom

I remember

I remember when I was younger and rememberance day brought about much sadness. I guess, because I saw it all around, living in a community that really celebrated it.

This morning, I got in late (okay birthday celebration ROCKED). I came home and by the time I put everything away, it was nearly 4 a.m., then I got a call and was informed that Harry Lehotsky passed away.

I remember meeting him for the first time. Here I was bright eyed, just moved back from Vancouver and wanted to "do something more in my life". I shared with him my story, my brokenness and my willingness to give up everything for Christ. I remember him looking in my eyes, understanding me, like no one has ever understood before. I remember his mercy, his grace, his kindness. Very soon, I was painting homes, biking from South Pembina to downtown to just work. I would see Harry out and about, talking with someone here and there. His walk, even and paced, yet with much authority and love. I started to see the people in the community as family. The times I would go in to the cafe and he would come up and chat with me...a stranger, but NO...I was already brought into the fold of family.
When I needed a place of my own, again, he took a chance on me, noticing something inside of me...a willingness...he gave me a chance.
I welcomed it with open arms and I became a house parent for the Maryland Transition House. It was an interesting first year. Ups and downs, but much learning took place. I remember when the fire alarm went off in the house because we lost power and he came over...already showing the signs of fatigue (and this was at 7 a.m.). When he left, I saw him meet up with a man on the street, and he proceeded to go get groceries for him at 7-Eleven...I stood amazed!
Harry never once complained to me. I know that he had pain way before he was diagnosed. He shared with me the frustration of not getting in to see the Doctors, or the waiting period to get specific tests done. Yet, he shined when he smiled, always helped those around and he took a chance on me.
Today, I remember a man, who walked like Christ...when I saw him, I saw Christ. He is now dancing the streets of Gold, hand in hand with His Father and laughing. I can see him laughing and rejoicing. As much as I will miss him, as much as the community will miss him and his family, I will remember him by walking the walk, talking the talk and try my best to be like Christ in all I do...for that is what Harry would want.
God...our Father, surround the Lehotsky family, the New Life Ministries, the people that he touched...his family. May we walk like Christ, may we love like Christ, may we touch others like Christ. Empower us, give us passion to step out and do the will of the Father who has called us to serve, and to give up our lives for others. Teach us and remind us that this is not our home, may we not store up treasures on earth. Teach us how to give.
Be our vision and our guide.
Amen.

rain rain go away...

so, it has been an interesting few days.
The rain, is actually refreshing and yep, I still hate wet pant legs!
It has a wonderful few days.
I bought a ring the other day...with strips of wire in the middle, wearing it on my left ring finger to remind myself that God is entwinded in my life. Every aspect of my life, he is in. I long to not be the same as I was the day before. I know that often we do not see change in our own lives until others point out how we have changed. I have been pointed at...I have been told how different I am and yet often I feel like I am the same. I often still have the same thoughts and desires and especially ones that do not line up to what I want.
So, how do I validate myself with those thoughts?
does that mean I just forget what I have learned, what I have experienced in terms of the grace and mercy and the restoration of Jesus? Does it mean I am gay still?
Nope...it means I am human. It means I live in a sinful world. I life in a place of brokenness, realizing my need to be whole. Realizing that I need Jesus...even more. It means I need to be open...honest and transparent...real.
I read about Ted Haggard...and I immediately became sad. Here is this influencial man. This "spiritual father", who has wrestled with the same feelings that I have. My heart goes out to him and his family.
But I have to go...the rain continues and I need to meet up with a friend...blessings...

what kind of titles do I come up with?

So, another shift at Hesed tonight. Today, we just laughed...thanks Napoleon D, for the comic relief.
So thoughts on 40? Some people say it is the best time of their lives...I think so. For someone who has dreamed of children and a wife, sometimes that seems so far off.
Who knows if that will happen for me, right now I am content. Content to figure out Kenny's likes and dislikes. What do I like doing when I am by myself, or with others? It is rather fun actually. So come on 40!!!!
After sharing at soul, some doors are starting to open in refreshing ways and just amazing opportunities have come up...which I will share later, right now I am praying. I am trusting. I am looking to my Father for strength, courage and boldness that I have never experienced before.
Today, I remembered thanks to a relative of mine, some great memories that I can be thankful for when I was growing up. Times spent with cousins, aunts and uncles. Safe. Even though life was still messy and sometimes ugly, I can look back and almost smell times spent at my grandparents...or biking on country roads, or standing under the bridge with my cousins smoking...crazy youth!!! But those memories last. It was like a haven...a time for rest, before the storm of life came again. Life was not "peachie" but life was not "horrific either".
I am reading...To own a Dragon...by Donald Miller and he talks about what it means to be a man.
John Eldredge in Wild at Heart says this:
We all carry a father wound, and unless our father convinces us we have what it takes, we are probably going to flounder for a while.

Donald Miller goes and explains, that he threw the book across the room, finally picking it up again and reading. He says this:
The thing I believe about manhood now is that it lives within the male from a very early age, and sometimes it gets awakened, sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't matter how old you are...a man is a man is a man.

It is a great read so far...I recommend it for those who struggle with being a man, in our North American crisis of fatherlessness.