disciples

Sometimes I feel like escaping to the moon...in time like these I like to be reminded of what life is really like and that I am not cracking up crazy!!!

I am quoting the following from the book "Starving Jesus" by craig gross and j.r. mahon
This list serves as a guide for all that I am and all that I need to be:

A disciple doubts
A disciple deceives
A disciple denies
A disciple forgets
A disciple fears
A disciple changes lives
A disciple is arrogant
A disciple denies himself
A disciple believes Jesus is savior
A disciple heals
A disciple leads
A disciple hides
A disciple is human
A disciple loves
A disciple protects
A disciple protects
A disciple is radical
A disciple gives his life for others
A disciple dies for faith
A disciple sins
A disciple is called to be a disciple
A disciple falls away from Christ
A disciple prays
A disciple leads people to Christ
A disciple gets in the grill of others
A disciple has little faith
A disciple has no attachment to religion
A disciple will write
A disciple will teach
A disciple will lie
A disciple will tell the truth
A disciple forgives
A disciple asks for forgiveness
A disciple rants
A disciple travels
A disciple fasts
A disciple questions
A disciple hopes
A disciple gets angry
A disciple does not worry
A disciple worries
A disciple likes money
A disciple doesn't worry about money
A disciple has friends
A disciple has a church
A disciple gives up

This list sums a lot up, and for me, I'd like to be taking and adding to this list daily. It keeps me humble. Does anyone have anything to add to the list?

Supply me

Supply me my every need, my ever want and my every desire. There is nothing greater than you and nothing that can satisfy, quite like you. God my God, my one and only. When life seems to fade by and there seems no hope in anything, you oh God supply my every need. You give to me that which seemed dead and gone.

Today was hard, my body fades quickly today as I went about my job, yet I was thankful that I was sitting at a desk. But concentrating on emailing responses was difficult. It was hard to give structure to my thoughts. Front line ministry, so crying out was good, to just pray for more of him and less of me. I am realizing many things about myself and I find it interesting that fasting will do this. It strips away everything until you are bare, rare and naked. Asking the Holy Spirit to reveal everything that seperates you from God. It is radical, crazy thinking. Some people don't get it, they think...Kenny, you are crazy stupid! But I look at things differently, we are a culture which lacks discipline and resolve. Sure some people have it, but we are normally just keeping ourselves busy, doing things, going places, being around people, things and what have you. We are gorging ourselves in what ever pleases us and gives us pleasure. I know, I know, I have probably said that all before. But it keeps coming up.

What I am finding out is how selfish I am. How incredibly selfish I am in getting my needs met, no matter what. In lack of discipline, especially in spiritual areas. There are areas in my life which I wish were different, and so I slowly start putting in place things that can help. One of those things is getting advice from others...always a good thing. We never will arrive here on earth and so we will never have all the answers and we can always gain understanding and wisdom from others.
I am reading Acts (apparently, if you read 10 chapters of the new testiment a day, you will read through the entire new testiment in a month) and it is incredible the things that the disciples were doing. It gets me thinking about today. What is so different? As I prayed this morning, a piece of a song popped into my head "and in the days Noah, people laughed and jeered, and when the rains came falling, it's too late". It is kinda like that now in society. You mention God or living a set apart, holy life and people laugh at you. Take for instance the fact that at one point I lived as a gay man. I stopped fighting and just lived life...with no regard for God, I threw in the towel. Now somepeople would say..."but Kenny, you where born that way, or Kenny, you are finally yourself", well, I think that for me, I just chose the easy way out, I stopped believing the truth, and started to believe all the things "people" started teaching me. Now realizing the truth, it is interesting how at times life can be difficult and challenging. Why? Because life was meant to be challenging and difficult. Why do we have the Psalms? Why is it that there are verses like Psalm 27:1-3

The lord is my light and salvation, in whom shall I fear, The Lord is my stronghold in whom shall I be afraid, when evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. though an army besiege me, my hear will not fear, though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.

It does not say...if, it says WHENand THOUGH. When evil men advance, When my enemies, though an army!!! So these struggles will come, it will be like an army advancing against us and yet, in that we need not be afraid, nor fearful and we can stand in confidence. Why? Because we can dwell in the house of the Lord forever. God is always there. So why wouldn't God just get rid of our enemies or the struggles in our life? In these struggles we rush to him. It is admitting our humanity and rushing to God. Isn't that self centered of God? Well, actually...not really. God knows that we will run to this and to that...rather than run to him. Even when we have learnt things once, we will still run away from God...if given a chance. So I think he allows things to happen, so we mature and grow. So that we can rely on him, rather than ourselves. It is like a loving father who cares for his children. Who teaches them the ways of life. God is teaching us the ways of life...and eventually eternal life.

So are you ready? Are you ready to face God? Are you willing to stop how you are living and seek after God, regardless of what that looks like to others? Are you willing to lay aside your own agenda and seek after holiness and purity? God doesn't want the lukewarm, he wants us hot and heavy. I challenge you to cry out to God and ask him to teach you what it means to live a life sold out to him.

Boston Pizza

Last year, on the way to the Exodus Freedom Conference, we stopped in Boston, well, drove through the downtown area and we where hungry. We had been looking for a place to eat and most places where closed already for the evening (it was 11 pm). I remember feeling frustrated during the drive, feeling my hunger and knowing my sugar level was plummeting and I was feeling rather grumpy...okay, I was just plain irritated. I was driving and everyone seemed just interested in sight seeing, and I couldn't see a thing, I was too busy trying to drive and pay attention. I could hear the irritation in some of the voices, as if I was supposed to know where I was! I remember feeling tired and alone. Strange to feel alone in a car full of people, and I wanted comfort and I wanted to eat. We finally stopped the van and car and when I got out, I felt relieved. Feeling the freedom of being out of the van, walking instead of driving and being able to relax and just unwind. We finally stumbled upon this small restaurant. We ordered deep dish pizza's (Boston style) and when they came, they were more than I could have dreamed of. Deep dish...incredible! Packed with cheese and vegetables and meat. Man it was good.

Looking back at that moment, I can see how little time I spent giving over my frustration to God. Did I allow him in to that moment or did I just go in my own strength (or weakness for that matter). God was there, but was an onlooker. I did not invite him to walk that experience with me. Sure, I was thankful to him for the Pizza and remember giving thanks to him. I think much like the Israelites, how they always questioned or forgot about God in the very times when they needed him, and then when God rescued them and blessed them, then they remembered.

As, I walk through this fast, today was a day of quietness, I spent it by going to church, then going home and getting a call from my brother who wanted to go out with me in the afternoon. It was good to spend time with him and chat about life and what is happening with him. I am leary of telling him that I am fasting, and really do not want to. As we shopped around for things that he needed, I looked at this and that and bought a few things, and sitting at home later, realizing that some of the things I bought, I really did not need. Looking back, I wonder how many times, I acknowledged God throughout the day. Sure, when the hunger pains hit or I thought about food, I would try and focus on asking God to fill me. I am wrestling with my desire for more of God and less of me. I have lived for so long endulging in getting my needs met...to comfort myself...to do things on my own. Yet in reality, as I sit having not eaten for a while, I realize the futility of my ways...of how I used to fill my time with just things or I would eat. There was little relating to others, or getting out of my comfort zone. I used to like weekends...because when there was nothing planned I could do what I pleased and just relax. Now, it is as if I wish the weekends did not exist. I see how little I do, and how little I serve and how little I relate to others. Maybe it is just the place I am in. I do know that I persevere on things, especially thinking of all the areas in my life "I need to change", and yet not sit and ask God to change me. When I do it on my own, it gets overwelming and heavy. When I sit and allow God in, and ask Him to change me, I feel at peace.

That happened at church today, as we finished communion and we prayed for one another. A friend asked...do I want prayer and I explained just what I said previous. That I needed to give that to God, because I was feeling rather overwelmed. She prayed, and big tears dropped, as I allowed God to minister to me, to say, it was okay for me to just let him do the work. To wait for him. The good work He started in me He will finish to completion. It may not be on this side of heaven, but He is faithful and true to His word.

Oh ya, I mentioned on one of my blogs that it was day 5 of lent and it is not actually, if you could shrove Tuesday that it is day 12 of lent and day 7 of the fast.
Thanks for the crew that is walking this journey with me. It is amazing to hear what God is doing in each of your lives.

Lord, watch over us, draw us near. Shelter us under the shelter of you wing. Reveal to us the magnitude of how much you love us and want for us to just allow you to move in our lives. Move in the hearts of those we pray for and Father God, capture the hearts of those who have been disillusioned by the enemy. You are amazing. Sustain us and hear our cries.
Amen

Lent...Day 5

I read recently in Hebrews that during Jesus' (God incarnate) life on earth, that he offered up prayer and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek.

There was a light bulb moment with these verses (Heb 5:7-10) as it revealed to me that Jesus suffered on earth. That he cried out with loud cries and tears to God to save him and that he was heard because of his reverent submission.

Why did Jesus of all people have to cry out to be saved and especially in this way? It shows that he felt pain, that there was angst in him in regards to struggles or suffering that he was enduring here on earth. There is a part of me that realizes that he knows my own struggle and that he brings peace and understanding as I cry out with loud cries and tears to God to save me. I know that He has heard me and I continue to submit with reverance.

Again, it often feels like a fire raging in my body, in my mind and those are the times when I need to cry out. Be that to a person, or to God or maybe to the cats! As I have written before, we are not on the earth just to get out of life, what we think we deserve or have our pleasures met whenever we feel like it. There is discipline and there is peace with that. There is control and there is grace with that. So I continue to press in. Part of the fast for me is to gain a better understanding of my relationship with God. It is reading the word and praying that the holy spirit makes it come alive in my life. It is serving the community around me in love.

I miss eating though. Today, my finely tuned smelling device smelt some wonderfully amazing food. My body aches and I long to comfort myself. Again, press in and see that the Lord is good, and he has nothing but good for me. He is my stonghold in whom shall I be afraid. He is my salvation in whom shall I fear. He provides for the littlest of creatures and so how much more will he supply my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

So I stand with the knowledge that life is not always easy, that my comfort needs to come from God. That even Christ suffered with loud cries and tears (glad to know I am not alone in that) and he understands me more than I realize.

Peace to you all!

First Day

Day 1

First day of Lent, the readings brought about a confirmation of the fast and the desire to pray and eat the word.
Today, I offer God my messy house:
My desires, needs, wants.
My uncovered sin and the dust bunnies that remain.
Things that I hide away, so I do not appear to have piles.
FEARS:
I lay them down, all of them. The fear of not loving hard enough or good enough. The fears of not being enough for anyone, let alone God. Of being smothered emotionally, which stunts my ability to take risks in love. Fears that I will walk away from this healing journey and the inability to be strong enough to fight temptations. Yet am reminded that I am not strong enough and that is carried with Christ, who is my strong tower…and I can run in anytime.
I read a quote from William Willimon today in my daily Lent readings and he says this:

The needs of the world are too great, the suffering and pain too extensive, the lures of the world too seductive for us to begin to change the world unless we are changed, unless conversion of life and morals becomes our pattern.
The status quo is too alluring. The only way we shall break its hold on us is to be transferred to another dominion to be cut loose from our old certainties, to be thrust under the flood and then pulled forth fresh and new born. (in talking about baptism)

It was so impressive the read this morning, talking about laying down our lives. To begin this adventure with that reading was what I needed.

Human body wise, I feel light headed, stomach growling and my eyes are tearing a lot (no emotion, but rather my body crying out for more water or something). So I drink, drink in the water and eat the word. My mind is focused on prayer. When I think of food (and tonight at the transition home, I made enchalada’s (put ready made ones in the oven) one of my favorite foods, as well as taco salad…another BIG favorite. So I am preparing and my thoughts, where were they? Surprisingly enough, not on the food. Apart from having to get someone to taste the dressing and see if it was okay, I was surprised and then again, was I? My prayer is that God continues to be my provision, my food, my provider of all good things, especially to meet my every need (desires and wants).

Hesed is good for me, it allows me to serve in practical ways. Tonight, it was poker. Texas hold’em and it was good. They staying in, rather than go out. We laughed and laughed and laughed. Hesed is about making friends with people who are just like me. They are children of God, they are loved by the beloved. They are my brothers and sisters and I love them. I love each one of them, in spite of what the world has thrown at them, in spite of how they live out sometimes in broken ways, I love them. I adore each one. It is a challenge sometimes when life gets busy, to try and cut something out of your life…make things simple. This is one place, I will not cut out.
So today, day 1, and it seems like forever in terms of how long this will last…yet it is not that long (a bit over 10 % of the year…that’s it) So I tithe this time, of getting closer to my Heavenly Father, my King, my treasured friend. I pray for answered prayers. I pray for God’s Kingdom to come and His will be done here on earth. I cry for those I love and wish knew and tasted the fruit in which I have tasted. It is good! It is also hard and I won’t deny that. It is hard to lay aside the desires of the flesh. Yet, why would I not do that for someone I love more than life itself. This life here is but a breath, when in eternity, I put my focus.

Philippians 2:3-11

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Take this cup...

Sometimes, I cry out to God...Take this cup...!
That I can no longer take this battle, this war, this fight against spirit and flesh. I know that the flesh in this world is strong. The desires, the pulls, the wants, the thoughts...they often lead me to places I no longer wish to travel to. So I stand my ground. I stand even when I do not feel like standing and I cry out to God, the giver of all good things and I cry out for mercy and grace to make it one more day.
Does this sound like I am denying myself? Does this sound like I am weak and utterly foolish? You better believe it!!! Without God, I am nothing, I am nothing. Without his saving me and leading me to a better place, I would surely have perished long ago. But He has a plan for my life, to prosper me and to bless me.
I watched the movie Jesus Camp tonight. It was well done. Do I agree with everything? No! But what I do believe is being sold out for Jesus! To deny myself, to count everything else as second best when it comes to where my heart's first desire is. Do I get it all the time and do I do it right? Nope...but I am trying. I am desiring more. What it means to lay everything down. Even when I cry out to God...to take this struggle from me...to ask him to relieve me...to seek his kingdom first.
God is doing things and shaking things up for me and leading me into a furnace...to heat it up and burn away all the crap that is still clinging on to me. When we sing refiners fire...my hearts one desire...what are we saying? We are saying...refine me, process me, take my heart, my mind and renew it, by your fire. What happens? All hell breaks loose. We feel like we are losing it at every turn. We have battles left right and center and in that we cry out to God to teach us and mold us and make us who he wants us to be. With lives that line up to his standard. With lives that line up to the word of God.
So when I cry out...take this cup...it is a cry of freedom, it is a cry of hope, it is a cry of wanting more of God and less of me.

listening

So I have not been posting...I have been way too busy and it has been kinda gross to be so busy. I recently came home from TO...and ya, it was great, I met some wonderfully, ridiculously good looking people and bonded with the TO staff. They are hilarious....with hearts that match. I also got to know the Winnipeg staff better and realized what a wonderful blessing it is to work along side such amazing people...each with a different story, but with hearts bursting with love.

So does this sound a bit like a soap opera...well, maybe, but what I know right now is that their hearts are held in mine.
I came home on Tuesday and went straight to LW and ministered, then Wednesday went and saw Jesus Christ Superstar...spent a bundle on the ticket, but it was worth it and yes...saving up for things like this is great. I took a friend of mine and we watched Ted Neely sing his heart out. It brought me to tears.

So a lot has happened in the last month. I went to Kansas City and fell in love...with Jesus...all over again. He takes my breath away...he was radical way before his time and no wonder the down and out people loved him. He was rocking the boat in all the social and religious circles, and he did it all out of love. Love for humanity, love for mankind. So I love him back with everything. Even when the struggles and insecurities raise their head, I know who is watching me and guiding me down this path of life. Jesus calls me to so much more than just sitting around picking my nose...really! He says to me..."Kenny...go and live..love...and live and love!" Do it all Kenny because I loved you first.

I love the term that someone said to me that "Jesus wrecked them". Well, he did that to me. He has turned my life upside down and inside out. When I think I am not qualified...I call out to him and ask for wisdom and revelation. When the doubts and fears come, I ask for peace and joy.

This past weekend, my boss (director) and his wife went to India to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary...and it is amazing their story of restoration...wow...WOW! So I am holding the fort so to speak and I have to say I am fearful to some degree. So the day they left, I had to work a shift at Hesed and prior to going to work I was really struggling and fighting thoughts of acting out...going for a sexual romp so to speak and I continually had to stop, cry out to God and wait in the moment. This fight has been long in coming. I have really been traveling on the coat tails of what I have learnt so far and now it is putting it into practice when the old thoughts and memories come up. Anyway, I was struggling, and I called some people and talked out what I was thinking and then I went to work at hesed and was mopping the floors....my usual routine, with bleach and water and I had flashbacks of times at specific establishments (okay bath houses) and I broke down, how much more could I take today...enough already. I stopped mopping and prayed
"God, I need some encouragement here...Hello God, can someone talk to me, call me...what ever, just help me!"
Not even 10 minutes later a resident came over and told me I was doing an amazing job and with that I nearly lost it. He blessed me beyond anything I could have hoped for, those few words I held on to...tightly.
Then another staff came over to the house and we chatted and I shared what was going on inside my head and she listened and I was so thankful for another God moment.
So, what am I saying here? What I am hopefully saying is that God answers! Sometimes, quick, sometimes slow, but he answers. I have to wait and listen.

Are things always easy? Nope and I said that right from the beginning of this journey. I have said I am taking the path less traveled. As I journey out, I do it with honesty and integrity. It is not always easy, but hey, most of us struggle with something, and I am reminded of that everyday with the people I meet and talk with and those people who are in my life.

Well, with that I bid farewell until next time. I usually do not make resolutions...and so I didn't but I have made some statements that I want to hold to this year.
That my first priority in life is my relationship with God.
My second priority is myself...taking care of my body, eating well, doing things that relax me. Spiritual, emotional and physical health...VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE!
Third...my relationship with those in my life...who I hold dear and love!
Fourth...ministry...my job as an urban missionary.
Fifth...everything else.

What I discovered this week is that I miss home cooked meals and I need to be cooking more.
I went to a drumming recital and signed up for an 8 week class. I am SO EXCITED!

It feels good to do things for me sometimes, to actually spend an evening home alone and enjoying the company!

Until next time! Much Hugs!

Enjoying the Pain!!!!

Sometimes life has a habit of bringing death. I took this picture while in Vancouver, walking along the beach in November. As I look at the picture now, I am reminded of how I am like that rose. The petals, darkened and the color gone, and falling off, revealing the seeds. The stem still yet green and vibrant.
I am like the rose. I feel like with this new life, there is a lot of death. I have had to put to death lots of things in my life in order for me to live and to truly live free. I am nothing without the vibrant green of my Father who gives me life.
Is it painful, hell yes. Awful pain sometimes. Right now I am going through that pain in a new way, a deeper way. I was saying to someone, that if it was not for who God is in my life, I would be dead right about now. Christmas is not my favorite holiday. I think it used to be in previous years, but I often feel depressed and sad. So I started to pray into this and wonder why! I try to think back at my life, as a child and wonder if there was happy memories for me at Christmas. I can't seem to find any memories. I can't seem to think of what traditions I have that I grew up with. It is sad. It is sad. It is sad. So I welcome that sadness and grieve the lose of what should have been and so I can move forward, even if that means taking baby steps, I am ready.
I have begun to do things that I love. To form my own traditions. Being single at times does not help, and there are days that I long to do this with someone else, but really, I need to know what I...Kenny I love to do. Before that happens, I feel like I am just selfish to want someone, because then I would be scared that I would be defined by that person, instead of really knowing me.
Again, there are good memories that I have as well, of stockings, sleeping in, cocktail parties and laughter after having a few martini's and enjoying getting to know people. So it is in a sense creating that for myself here.
But it still makes me sad...and I am fine with that. There will be a time when I am no longer sad and I can laugh and "be of good cheer" but right now, this is the season I am in. It may last a day, a week or a month, but I welcome this time of feeling. I welcome this time even though I feel like shit, and it's painful, because I know that this does not define me, I know that God is doing something, bringing me deeper into the knowledge of what his character is who I am in Christ. So I can come out of this with a deeper resolve, a deeper love and a deeper desire to know God at all cost.
Peace to those who are going through turmoil, sadness and grief, may God be the keeper of your soul and bring you comfort when you need comfort. May he surround you with the deep love that he gives so freely. Rest in the knowledge that God is doing a good work, even though it is painful, know that he is right there walking along side of you holding on to you with every part of his being...amen.

make my path straight

Today, we put on a one day conference on gender issues. It was good. I shared and talked with people and how they can love like Christ.

I love doing that, I love it...yet, it is tiring. So I took this photo this year when my friend Jeanne came and visited me. It was good to practice taking photo's at night. I love the orange.

Today, I realized something that I have to do for me. Something that I need to address in my life, something that is hard to do, but for me, it is important.
I have taken steps this past year to focus on living a healthy life and what that means. Sometimes that means saying or doing things that may or may not make people happy, yet, there are times when you just have to do it for your own well being.
So I am not sure how that will look, or what the results of this decision will be, but I trust in God my Father that He will make my paths straight. That he will be glorified in my life. I look to him for my strength and I look to him for my guidance.
But this is short, as I am off to my life group. I enjoy this group of people, we do life together and are slowly being knit together, sharing our lives with one another. That is what it is all about.
But first, have to go feed the cats, put food in my stomach and breath for a moment or two.
If there is any prayer warriors out there...please pray for my finances. I am trusting in God to do a miracle, as I try to be a faithful steward in what he gives me.

Dreaming of more....

So here are some pictures from this summer that I took, practicing with my digital camera. It is not the best camera, but I enjoy what I can do with it. I love film...and the joy of waiting for the pictures to come, but also like the instant feel with a digital. I need a bigger pixel camera, but I can wait on that. I am just enjoying this for the time being...baby steps into the realm of the digital world!!!!

Today, I am just happy to be here on earth. Life is crazy, seems like everything is falling apart in terms of my family, relations, and yet I sit back and cozy up with the cats or go for a walk and realize that I have it pretty darn good.

Things could be a whole lot worse. I could be living on the street, I could be sick, I could be alone. That for me is the biggest realization. That I am not alone. Even if I never see another person in my life, I know that God is present with me. That I cannot go anywhere without him.
I am reading "Messy Spirituality" my Michael Yaconelli and it is an amazing book. God's annoying love for Imperfect people. I thank God in my brokenness and my imperfection. I thank God for the imperfect people in my life...and in part...those who know they are imperfect....I love you!!!

I was reading a co-workers blog and saw pictures of Europe and then got thinking of my trip there years ago and praying for a time to go back. To go on a vacation. An actual vacation away from Canada. I have never been on an actual Vacation outside of Canada (apart from a trip to Mexico years ago with my sister and we both got so sick that we had to go to a hospital, cutting short our already short vacation). I have always wanted to see the world. To experience and meet people from all over the world. I am not a big tourist attraction type of guy...take me to the small villages and let me experience the small cafes and shops and scenery. Let me experience the people and their lives. That for me is seeing the world. So I pray that I can go on a vacation one day. Where I can play in the warm surf, walk in the rain forest, go into a desert, or on a safari. This is a different way of thinking...for me. I used to think that this was not a right to be able to go and experience the world...especially when I see millions of people that will never travel, or if they do it is for survival. But today, I long to go, long to go and enjoy the world that God created, to meet people from all walks of life. For the world to impact me in a deeper way.
Today, I dream!

grey cup,,,rah rah rah

okay, trying hard to remain sane in what appears to be an insane time. Have been listening to Crazy by an artist Gnarls Barkley...it is my theme song right now.
Life is crazy. What I don't know, is how things are going to proceed like they are now. I know that things are happening with my family because they need to change...but it hurts, it is painful and it is crappy beyond measure. What I do know is that I have to pray, I have to lay down the hurts and the ways that I would normally cope, because they aren't working too well right now.
So I have to do things differently.
What I do know is that in the past, when family became too hard to deal with I would seek out sex to make myself feel better. Now, I allow myself to feel this. To allow myself to go to this place as hard as it is. I am not supposed to feel good all the time...so why do I think that I am supposed to.
As Christmas approaches, I just want to go to a deserted beach somewhere, stay in a grass hut and lay on the beach. In a sense, I am wanting to run away...find some solace and some peace. Being single at 40, with no children...no home of my own, is often difficult. In societies terms I should have that all by now. I should have a home, wife, kids and have it all together...yet, I don't. So I am trying to create memories and good times now. Don't get me wrong. I love being single, there is a part of me that knows the liberty of being single, yet there is this part of me that also longs to be in relation with a woman. To serve her, to honor her and to love her beyond measure.
So there are a lot of things going on for me. I often find that it is not just one thing that happens but a lot...all at once. Yet, I have this inner peace...apart from the frustration and sadness...and frustration, there is this deep part of me that is at peace.
Today, I tried to fix my vacuum...ah, I know why I am not a trades man. I was frustrated and it kinda worked, but not quite, so I will bring it in all the pieces to the Vacuum repair person on Monday. Oh, the things we do. At least I know what the inside of a vacuum looks like.
Well...now I am rambling...not making sense of too much. I am typing on the new lap top...(work one) and it is quite nice. Thanks to the awesome computer guy...Andrew for putting it together...I owe you man...I hear you like a good beer!!!!
Okay, my cyber friends...ones I have never met...take it easy...love those around you, for you never know when they won't be there.
Shalom

I remember

I remember when I was younger and rememberance day brought about much sadness. I guess, because I saw it all around, living in a community that really celebrated it.

This morning, I got in late (okay birthday celebration ROCKED). I came home and by the time I put everything away, it was nearly 4 a.m., then I got a call and was informed that Harry Lehotsky passed away.

I remember meeting him for the first time. Here I was bright eyed, just moved back from Vancouver and wanted to "do something more in my life". I shared with him my story, my brokenness and my willingness to give up everything for Christ. I remember him looking in my eyes, understanding me, like no one has ever understood before. I remember his mercy, his grace, his kindness. Very soon, I was painting homes, biking from South Pembina to downtown to just work. I would see Harry out and about, talking with someone here and there. His walk, even and paced, yet with much authority and love. I started to see the people in the community as family. The times I would go in to the cafe and he would come up and chat with me...a stranger, but NO...I was already brought into the fold of family.
When I needed a place of my own, again, he took a chance on me, noticing something inside of me...a willingness...he gave me a chance.
I welcomed it with open arms and I became a house parent for the Maryland Transition House. It was an interesting first year. Ups and downs, but much learning took place. I remember when the fire alarm went off in the house because we lost power and he came over...already showing the signs of fatigue (and this was at 7 a.m.). When he left, I saw him meet up with a man on the street, and he proceeded to go get groceries for him at 7-Eleven...I stood amazed!
Harry never once complained to me. I know that he had pain way before he was diagnosed. He shared with me the frustration of not getting in to see the Doctors, or the waiting period to get specific tests done. Yet, he shined when he smiled, always helped those around and he took a chance on me.
Today, I remember a man, who walked like Christ...when I saw him, I saw Christ. He is now dancing the streets of Gold, hand in hand with His Father and laughing. I can see him laughing and rejoicing. As much as I will miss him, as much as the community will miss him and his family, I will remember him by walking the walk, talking the talk and try my best to be like Christ in all I do...for that is what Harry would want.
God...our Father, surround the Lehotsky family, the New Life Ministries, the people that he touched...his family. May we walk like Christ, may we love like Christ, may we touch others like Christ. Empower us, give us passion to step out and do the will of the Father who has called us to serve, and to give up our lives for others. Teach us and remind us that this is not our home, may we not store up treasures on earth. Teach us how to give.
Be our vision and our guide.
Amen.

rain rain go away...

so, it has been an interesting few days.
The rain, is actually refreshing and yep, I still hate wet pant legs!
It has a wonderful few days.
I bought a ring the other day...with strips of wire in the middle, wearing it on my left ring finger to remind myself that God is entwinded in my life. Every aspect of my life, he is in. I long to not be the same as I was the day before. I know that often we do not see change in our own lives until others point out how we have changed. I have been pointed at...I have been told how different I am and yet often I feel like I am the same. I often still have the same thoughts and desires and especially ones that do not line up to what I want.
So, how do I validate myself with those thoughts?
does that mean I just forget what I have learned, what I have experienced in terms of the grace and mercy and the restoration of Jesus? Does it mean I am gay still?
Nope...it means I am human. It means I live in a sinful world. I life in a place of brokenness, realizing my need to be whole. Realizing that I need Jesus...even more. It means I need to be open...honest and transparent...real.
I read about Ted Haggard...and I immediately became sad. Here is this influencial man. This "spiritual father", who has wrestled with the same feelings that I have. My heart goes out to him and his family.
But I have to go...the rain continues and I need to meet up with a friend...blessings...

what kind of titles do I come up with?

So, another shift at Hesed tonight. Today, we just laughed...thanks Napoleon D, for the comic relief.
So thoughts on 40? Some people say it is the best time of their lives...I think so. For someone who has dreamed of children and a wife, sometimes that seems so far off.
Who knows if that will happen for me, right now I am content. Content to figure out Kenny's likes and dislikes. What do I like doing when I am by myself, or with others? It is rather fun actually. So come on 40!!!!
After sharing at soul, some doors are starting to open in refreshing ways and just amazing opportunities have come up...which I will share later, right now I am praying. I am trusting. I am looking to my Father for strength, courage and boldness that I have never experienced before.
Today, I remembered thanks to a relative of mine, some great memories that I can be thankful for when I was growing up. Times spent with cousins, aunts and uncles. Safe. Even though life was still messy and sometimes ugly, I can look back and almost smell times spent at my grandparents...or biking on country roads, or standing under the bridge with my cousins smoking...crazy youth!!! But those memories last. It was like a haven...a time for rest, before the storm of life came again. Life was not "peachie" but life was not "horrific either".
I am reading...To own a Dragon...by Donald Miller and he talks about what it means to be a man.
John Eldredge in Wild at Heart says this:
We all carry a father wound, and unless our father convinces us we have what it takes, we are probably going to flounder for a while.

Donald Miller goes and explains, that he threw the book across the room, finally picking it up again and reading. He says this:
The thing I believe about manhood now is that it lives within the male from a very early age, and sometimes it gets awakened, sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't matter how old you are...a man is a man is a man.

It is a great read so far...I recommend it for those who struggle with being a man, in our North American crisis of fatherlessness.

stories

I sit here listening to Sufjan Stevens...you are not alone...you never leave...I love you cannot be said a better way. It's everything you promised!

Today, a step out into greater vulnerability...first time...totally,opening up my life for all to see. To see how God has moved in and taken over.

God has redeemed my life. It is exciting and wonderful. Who really cares who knows my past and present and future. All I know is that I am laying it all down. I lay down my life and give it all over to God. Use me Lord in ways, that I cannot fully comprehend. The world may look at me and shake their heads...saying I am not being myself and using you as a crutch, but I look at it as freedom to be who you have called me to be. I look at it as laying down my life for others. To take my eyes off myself.

Today, I shared my life...with those in my community where I worship and live life. It was emotionally charged and exhausting. But people surrounded me with tears, hugs and encouragement beyond my belief. I look to you Oh God with wonder and amazement. Your promises are true. You restore the years the locusts have eaten. It is never too late for anyone to stop and look to you. To ask for transformation and forgiveness. Why wait?

I turn 40 this month...aaaahhhhh...it seems so old, yet I feel so young. I have a new lease on life. A brand new day beginning.
I am blessed to be a part of Soul Sanctuary. An authentic place to worship and be me.
Spent the evening enjoying working at Hesed. Serving and taking the eyes off of me. Then relaxing at home and talking with my brother who is a gift.

Planning a trip...celebrating my birthday in ways that I have always wanted. I am enjoying the gift that you have given me. Life. God you are amazing and true to your word.

Well, gotta run...will post tomorrow too.
Shalom...and thanks for all of those who listened to me speak yesterday. To those who warmly hugged me and thanked me for being honest and real. Stories are worth telling. Tell yours.

Intimacy

What does it all mean?
Went to the Exodus Regional Conference in "beautiful...take my breath away...Wisconsin" and the special guest speakers spoke on Intimacy with God. What it looks like and how we live our lives out of that Intimacy.
I was encouraged, challenged, drawn by the love of God in a deeper way. How fully do I give my thoughts and feelings and desires over to God? Do my thoughts, feelings, desires line up to the word of God?
Who's thoughts am I listening to? Are they my thoughts or the firey darts of the enemy, who seeks to confuse me, draw me to be self sufficient and worship false gods?
I came away this weekend with more clarity than ever before. A thirst and a hunger to run after righteousness. A desire to read the word of God, pray without ceasing and to ask for wisdom and revelation for my Heavenly Father.
I want to know that if I step out of the will of my father, I will know.

One night they talked about the 7 longings of the human heart.

1. That God really enjoys us (me): Ephesians 3:16-20...pray this every day until it clicks within you. Nourish our relationship with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit
That God doesn't just love me...He likes me.

2. Longing to be Fascinated: humans grasp at anything that fascinates us. In our broken state we jump at that which gives us pleasure, be it physically, sexually, emotionally.
My prayer is that the Lord will show me his GLORY...try praying this daily

3. Long to be Beautiful: we have a longing to be desired, liked by others. We need a deep connection with how God sees us as beautiful. That we do not need to do things just so that people like us.

4. Longing to be Great: We long for more, we long for greatness and often we try to get that in the world. We should desire for greatness in the kingdom of Heaven. Paul's focus was on the rewards in heaven...yes, there are rewards waiting for us. I desire to be as close to God as possible.

5. Intimacy without shame: long for the stability of love. To boldly go into the throne room of grace. To come before God without shame. Love others without shame.

6. Long to be Whole Hearted and Passionate: Everyones inner soul longs to worship and love God. That is how we are formed. There is a deep inner voice that longs to worship God. We often do not take time to listen, nurture that deep inner call. We fill it with work, relationships, shopping, eating, sex, anything that takes us away from sitting in his presence.

7. Long to make an impact: we want relevance,we want to impact others. All I want to hear is "well done good and faithful servant" God wants to remove all the things that hinder our cries and longings.

God is saying to his people....love me as I have loved you.
God is saying to his people....come to me all who are heavy and laden down and I will give you rest.
God is saying to his people....I will remove that which hinders you.
God is saying to his people....I will give you a passionate life.

So it may not always be easy to walk in relationship with God. He will challenge us, refine us and draw us deeper into relationship with him. It is all about him and His desire for a deeper and more relevant relationship with us. I often run, when there is pain, or I do not "feel" God. In the times when it is the dark night of the soul, I want to press in, even when I do not feel like pressing in. When I do not hear him or see him or understand what is going on, I will try and claim his promises. I will press further into understanding him who has given me breath and life.

I challenge you to meditate on his word everyday. To read and ask God to reveal himself to you. That he would show you his glory in your life.
When there is pain or confusion...press in.
When there is doubt...press in.
When there is numbness...press in.
When there is joy...press in.

God wants and desires a deep, relevant relationship with us. He will do anything to get it...He does it all because He loves us...

Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

When it says rejoice over you with singing...it literally means, spins wildly over you. Bask in the knowledge that God is wild about you!

Forgiveness

"this is not my own picture"
This summer has been a somewhat slow summer in terms of blogging. A problem is that I need to do it after work...at work, as my computer at home is slow. I am thankful to the person that donated it and for the use of dial up. That alone has saved me much the last year and I am greatful to my friends who have supported me in this way...BLESS YOU!
I am hoping that this winter I will be able to upgrade...get something a wee bit faster and maybe if my support comes in fully, move to high speed.
Part of that wish is so that I can post photographs. Photography is a passion of mine. I love my K1000 Pentax...it has been my faithful companion now for nearly a decade. Thank you Dad! It still takes great shots.
So I have talked about an art auction fundraiser idea...well, I have been looking around, phoning and emailing for possible dates and times. It looks like it could be early November and maybe some surprizes in terms of music. I am still working on that part of it. The venue...not sure yet. But it is coming along. I am getting some prints made this weekend and will start framing. That is costly so I will have to watch my pennies and try to do things as cheap as possible, especially for the first showing.
I have started another Blog and eventually, will just have photographs on there. People can go there and look and order prints and I will ship them out to them once payment is in hand. www.skinyboycards.blogspot.com is the addy. Be patient! I have yet to figure out prices. I will sell them unframed, as that is just easier to ship.
So there you have a bit about the pictures and fundraiser to come.

This fall something solid happened in my life. It feels like my faith solidified in a way that has made my feet feel very sure of themselves. The temptations, the desires to act out in old patterns seem to have diminished. I am not saying they are gone, yet, there seems a freedom that I have never felt before. Maybe it has to do with forgiveness.
Let me explain.
My family is being shaken...the old ways of relating gone. This fall, I got a chance to talk to a few family member and I forgave them for things that they did or said to me that was harmful and that affected me in deep ways. My perceptions of them and God were way off...and I realized that I needed to forgive them...as I still clung to the hurts and pain. In talking with them, I explained forgiveness...how if I do not forgive I hold them tight in my grasp...and in a way, hold them hostage to my unforgiveness.
Interesting the word of God explains forgiveness...

Ephesians 4:32- be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.

Colossians 3:13- Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Matthew 6:14- For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

2 Corinthians 2:5-7 If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he as grieved all of you, to some extent-not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwelmed by excessive sorrow.

There are also some good ones in
2 Cor 2:10, Luke 6:37, Mark 11:25, Proverbs 17:9, Proverbs 10:12, Matthew 18:21-22

God shows us that forgiveness is important. Holding grudges, hurts and pains not so good!!! I know for myself, it is a process, a stepping out and honestly forgiving people for the wrong they have done me as well as asking for their forgiveness.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Let me be quick to forgive and quick to ask for forgiveness. May I release those who have offended me, so that you can move powerfully in their lives. Jesus, may I be quick to repent of my own sin, and ask for forgiveness. Thank you that you bore my sin on the cross, that you carried the pain, shame and guilt of my sin. I am forever greatful for your loving kindness and mercy that you show me, day after day. Lord, I come to you, blemishes and all, full of pain and sin, and fall at your feet, finding rest in your presence.

Your loving brother and son

AWE

So I stand in awe of my creator, the one who breathes life into me. The one who dwells within me, teaching me, strengthening me, loving me. The list of who God is and what he is doing in my life could just go on and on.

This summer, challenging, yet full of surprizes and wonder! God is taking me past my every misconception and bringing reality into my life. What it means to really be a man. What it really means to be a brother. What it really means to be a leader.
God pours out his grace and mercy and shows me each area in my life that needs improvement and direction. Why does he do that? Because he loves me and does not want me to be the same man I was yesterday or that matter the same one a second ago.

I will write more next week, but I have been so busy with things that I forget to sit and write...so until next week...

fundraising

Okay...time to roll up the sleeves and get creative.
My position at New Direction as Resource Outreach Coordinator is awesome. Urban Missions is where it is at. I love it, feel life there.
But I need partners to walk along side me...supporting me financially.
So I am thinking that I will plan an art show...with some photographs that I have done and ask others to donate some paintings and have a show. The proceeds of the show will go towards my position at New Direction.
Ideally, it is best to have regular monthly donors who give every month...but sometimes we need perks. I will be planning on something in the next couple of months.
I will need help planning, preparing and putting it on.
You will have also noticed a banner advertisment on my site about Tshirts. That is a fundraiser for myself as well. For every 20 tshirts that are sold...I get a percentage of the sales. It is a christian run business who have a heart to provide funds for those who are mission based.
The need is great for my position. Never have we seen such an increase in those seeking help from the ministry.
Please, pray and ask God how you can help.
Blessings....

hmmmm Saturday

Woke up! Ah, it's raining. I like the rain, not for 30 days straight but I do enjoy the freshness that it brings. Everything looks crisp, clean and refreshed. The plants looks like they have a bit more life.
I am learning more about what it means to live in community. The need to connect. Today I went for a bike ride with a friend and we talked about the Pedophile that was in the news. We talked about the deal the police made with him and they talked about how when he was monitored he did well and there was no problem. It was only when he was released of that did he start to act out/wander.
Hmmmm, now let me think. What is my character? I am prone to wander...each one of us is prone to wander in our own weaknesses. So when I read about the Pedophile, I look at my own life and I humbly thank God. A few weeks ago, I realized I need the body, I need community in a greater way. When the temptation is there to wander back to Egypt and to places that I know that I can get comfort just in the physical, is when I need to press into the body of Christ.
For me I guess, I am in introvert at heart. Once you know me you would think...ah, Kenn you are no were near being shy or quiet, but I am. I like to listen. I used to ask God to change my personality, or is that me trying to change how God made me?
This past week, I reflected. Man, I reflect a lot. I read a letter my mom sent me when I moved to Vancouver with my partner. At that point, I had decided I was gay and my family would just have to deal with it. I had battled long enough...and this is what she wrote...
"What I want to to, in this not so long letter, is give you TWO GIFTS. You already have the camera bag, but these gifts are of a different nature.
The FIRST GIFT is the gift of apology. I apologize for the things I did as a parent, in your formative years (mostly unknowingly) which did harm to your self-image and self-esteem. I apologize for the times when i became aware that something was different in your development, but mostly through lack of understanding, did not act upon it. Most especially, I apologize for not keeping in touch with New Directions, and for not attending a parent group to become more informed and more helpful in your struggle, once you introduced me to them. And I cry every time I think about this. I try to think about why I didn't do that, and I always draw a blank....
The SECOND GIFT is that of understanding. I have much to learn yet, but it is incredible to me, how much more I understand now. There is so much information about the factors in early development that contribute to this gender confusion. I understand so much better now about the constant preoccupation with sexuality which were so confusing to me before. I understand how the lack of healthy male role models and male peers in early deveopoment, contributes to the desire to fulfill this need sexually with men. I want to tell you that I have a much greater understanding and appreciation of the intense and enormous struggle you have had from a very early age over your gender orientation. I feel like you must have been to hell and back. I can't tell you what deep pain I feel when i think about that now and how it always causes me to cry profusely when I think how much of this you carried all alone with no one to talk to. I get this picture in my mind where I see you bent over with this heavy weight. But I do understand, that the way out is not easy, but doesn't God say to us, "Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden..."

When I found that letter I read it and wept. Knowing that my mom...got it and at the time she sent the letter...I didn't get it. Not until I read it today...7 years later do I finally get it.
God has an amazing gift of timing, when we need encouragement he finds a way to send that our way. Today, I needed to read my mom's letter. She has been a great blessing to me. She keeps me in prospective, challenges my faith and loves others. Sure she has faults...and heck so do I. When Paul writes about being the worst sinner, I liken myself to him. I think who can be worse than me. Well...everyone is the same as me...none of us are worse nor better. We are all equal in the eyes of our Father God.
So bless you mom...may you continue to put your trust in your heavenly Father, who teaches and directs your path. You are a true lover of Christ.

what gives

So I have been thinking a lot lately about provision.
Ah, this is a subject that I have not given much thought to in the last 8 years. Mainly because I tried my best to provide for myself or allowed my ex partner to provide for me. When push came to shove...I knew he would come through for me. He was always there. Willing to help me out, lend a helping hand. Yet...something was lacking. When push really came to shove...I was left holding debt...real debt. I know my part, my own desires for a certain lifestyle put me there, yet was ripped off in the end.
I harbor no ill feelings. I have long since been there in that pit of thinking, but what got me thinking today was this.
I was leaving work...Hesed, and I was biking home. The smell of the outdoors brought back memories of evenings cruising around the river...looking for a lover for the evening. I prayed to God...restore to me the joy of walking in the evening or smelling the wonderful crisp air...without the memories of endless nights of walking around, looking, lusting for men to meet my needs of affirmation and acceptance.
Then thoughts of an earlier conversation with a mentor who spoke to me about finances and where I was at in terms of my head space. I told him that I really want to see God show me his provision for me in my life. I do not want to beg or plead with people to give me money. In some ways, I wonder how Christian is that. So in an instant, I was reminded how my ex partner used to provide...lavish dinners and wine and presents. I longed for that again. I thought...how easy it would be for me to be caught up in that. To know someone loved me that much.
Ahhh....wait a minute, I heard myself say!!! I am an Israelite...longing to go back to Egypt, the Keith Green song playing in my head. Where I am warm and secure!
The house, the garden, the beauty of green all around. The large sunroom with windows all around...BUT...the increased knowledge that there had to be more to life than that! Materialism, consummerism...ack! It gave me no security. Yes, a thrill at the moment, a nice warm feeling, but what was I left with after the fact?
I am in a place where I have a roof over my head, little savings, no car, no high speed computer or the latest gadgets. I have no cabin to go to in summer. I do not have a retirement plan in place...though that is concerning me a wee bit. I am in debt from a relationship ending. We did not split our pensions or RRSP's or sell our home or car to be divided at the end of our relationship...I left. I could have fought, won...yet would I have? So I bowed out...took what little I had and walked away. Funny that tonight I longed to go back. To what?

So I came home and my cats greeted me at the door. Sigh! I saw my piano...a little out of tune, yet tinkled a few chords...softly so not to wake the tenants upstairs. I gave the cats fresh water, cleaned up my dishes and sat enjoying the peace and quiet. Late at night it is quiet here. I went outside to take the trash out and saw the flowers that I have planted and smiled. It is good. Living here alone, is good, very very good.
Do I have it all...hardly...but I am rich in comparison to many many people in this world. Do I wonder how my support will come it? Sometimes I do. I am human.
I long for the day when churches and christ followers support ministries such as New Direction. When they stand up here in Canada and say...We support ministries to help educate and minister to those who are wanting to leave the gay life. I long for the day when I lose my job because the church is doing it and there is no more need to educate Christians on how to love the homosexual...regardless of them changing or not.
Right now I long for the church to stand up...and love....like Christ...now wouldn't that be nice.

Art Gallery

Here are a few pictures that I have taken...I have to find some places here in Winnipeg. These are all taken the last week I as in BC in 2005. My farewell week. It was amazing. Photography is a passion, capturing God's creation...enjoy.

I got my recent update from XXXChurch this past week and noticed the announcement about the starvingjesus tour. They are fasting for 40 days and they talked about fasting. How Jesus called us to fast...not just think about it but do it. When I left BC, I talked with a few people about my desire to fast and I have not gotten around to it, but have not forgotten. This was just a spiritual reminder!

I read their Fasting 101 list and have decided to do a fast, praying about it now and asking a few people to do it with me. I won't fast the 40 days quite yet, but I would like to do that too. To rely fully on God! To listen to him, to be praying all day and to eat his word.
Part of the fast for me is to petition God, for a greater provision for my work as a missionary here. That I learn to speak in to being, that which is not seen yet. That I trust in him fully.

Last week Paula and I decided that it was not time for us to date. It was probably the healthiest break ups that I have ever experienced. We both realized the need to just be friends even before talking to each other. Realizing that we know that God is in control of our lives and that we live according to his plans and purposes in our lives. There is a lot going on for both of us. God is drawing us deeper into his presense and we welcome that. Knowing too, that we walked in integrity the whole time we dated, put God first and treated each other with trust and respect. Paula is a wonderful woman of God, who showed me what it means to be a man of God. She valued me as a man. She let me lead, take initiative and waited. So right now we both do not know the plans for us, but we trust in our Heavenly Father, because he has good things in store.

Work at the office continues to spur me on. I love it. I enjoy the environment, the people there and the voice that we have in this culture that we live in. I continue to be blessed and seek after God's heart for those I am in contact with.

SALT, well...what can I say but...AAAAHHHH!!!!! The teaching material is amazing. It digs deep into the wells of my soul. I taught the lesson this past week on grieving and the relevance of that in our lives as we give up the past and bring to mind painful memories that we have put aside. I want the memories to surface, because for years, I pushed down those memories and used sex to give me pleasure and to numb those painful things in my life. Now that I am not using sex as medication, I have to face those painful things and feelings that define me as a man. I ask God to come and minister to the areas I lay hidden. It is just amazing material. I have said it is like getting to the CORE of yourself and then laying everything bare and allowing healing to take place.

Life in the inner city? Well, today I walked to work, like I do most days and I felt saddness. Here are house after house, delapitated, poverty, hunger, addiction and I felt like there is nothing I can do. I think of ways things can change and then the voice says...what can you really do Kenn? Ah! I get angry at the church. I get angry and wonder why christian's have this "prosperity theology" and is it really Biblical? Does it not say...the rich should not have too much and the poor should not have too little. I see people who go to the cottage...and then think...there are kids who do not even have enough to eat, who live in homes with smashed windows and drug dealers on their corner, waiting to offer them a job. There are prostitutes so young that you wonder...WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?
Does this bother just me? I see people like Harry who stepped out...risked it all to help those less fortunate. Who stood up for the causes of the poor, the prostitutes and who tried to get drugs out of the community. Where are we failing as a church?
I ask a lot of questions, yet get few answers. It is almost like...we shouldn't really talk about these things...they are just too uncomfortable to talk about.

A wise man told me to focus on the ministry at hand. I cannot change the world, but I can impact those I have around me. When I answer an email from a youth who is struggling with their sexuality and their faith...that is my focus. When someone asks me for money on the street, it is going out and buying them some food. If it is telling my testimony and what God has done in my life, that is what I do. If it is writing letters to Government and letting them know of ideas in my head.

So there, a few thoughts, rambling on, just letting you know what is inside.
Check out www.starvingjesus.com
order the book and pray about fasting.

need some laughter

i need some laughter to come my way...
serious reflection come what may.
Heart is full and my mind a racin'
where's that joke...
times a wastin.

so it has been a busy week. I can sit back and reflect at how new everything is. I love it and hate it at the same time. I am a man who thought he loved change...NOT!
I thought I had a lot more pieces of the puzzle together. But what I realized tonight at SALT is this...
For 30 year...ack...I have found my self defined by sex. Be it what was done to me or what I did out of choice. Now that I am not walking that road, God is allowing other things to come to the surface. He is saying...."Kenn, let's look at how you relate here and there. I will walk this way with you, I want you to relate in a healthy way."
So as I inch close to the big 40, I continue to pray...God restore those years. Coming to the realization that here on earth, I will never "arrive". I will never have it all together. I just need to relax, breath and allow God to take over the controls, especially when I want to quicken the pace...or attempt to relate in the old ways.
We talked about inner vows, strongholds and FORTRESSES. Gotta love those fortresses that we build around ourselves to protect us from being hurt...to protect the vows we made not to be hurt. As I sit and make the "known" list of those vows, I repent of them. Ask for forgiveness and ask God to teach me new ways of moving through life. Not so consummed with what people think. Who gives a crap. I want to walk with confidence that God my Father loves me no matter what. No matter if I stumble, fall, I know he still loves me. He knows everything. He knows my past, present and future. So I trust in his love, that he will never leave me or forsake me. That the plans he has for me are good. That I matter to him. I am his most valued treasure.
I pray those realizations go deep within the grand canyon of my soul. Into every crack and hidden place.
I am thankful, thankful, thankful for New Direction, Tye, Living Waters, Life Recovery at TMP, for my small house group,the teaching at Soul and those men who get up early fridays to talk. I am thankful for the friends that help me relax. To my family. To all those people who see God moving and directing my course and who support me in prayer and in financial gifts of support. To each of you, I pray that God blesses you in abundance.
I sense that great things are in store at New Direction. I had a dream last night that I was invited to sit in a discussion group at a University along side a woman who was a lesbian...and who was quite well known. She invited me to be the opposing voice...yet she welcomed me with open arms and so I extended them back. When she was ridiculed and stuff thrown at her, I put my arm around her and told her she was of value. How after we talked, I was asked my opinion on the event and I told the group that I have chosen this path because of my relationship with God. He is the one that has changed me and who constantly keeps refining me. I am here not to judge other peoples choices but to tell of what God has done in my life.
I pray that doors will open to speak the truth of what God has done in my life. Not for my fame or glory but for God to be glorified.
With everything that is happening, I can say that life is good. I would not have it any other way. It makes me closer to God.
If anyone has jokes, encouraging words, anything to make me laugh...please share!!!
I think I need to join a bowling league or something....is there a christian bowling league? Maybe I need to start one up in the winter.
Shalom.........until next time............

trust...a word study...

So thought I would do a word study on Trust....something that I need right now. Being in a place of total reliance in God...it is an unknown area for me, specifically in the area of finances. I do not want to walk in fear, but in courage that I know, that I know, my Father God is a faithful and trusted Father. Yet there is my human brain that often plays the old tapes in my brain that God will not come through for me. So I have to hold firm to the truth of what trust is.
Here is a dictionary meaning...of trust:

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
4. One in which confidence is placed.
5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.

I have added a statement to each of these four meanings.

1. To have or place confidence in; depend on. I place my trust in God.
2. To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that God will provide.
3. To believe: I trust in the truth of God's word.
4. To place in the care of another; I entrust my life to God.

Synonyms: trust, faith, confidence, reliance, dependence
These nouns denote a feeling of certainty that a person or thing will not fail. Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence: The mayor vowed to justify the trust the electorate had placed in him.

Faith connotes unquestioning, often emotionally charged belief: “Often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true” (William James).

Confidence, frequently implies stronger grounds for assurance: “Confidence is a plant of slow growth in an aged bosom: youth is the season of credulity” (William Pitt).

Reliance connotes a confident and trustful commitment to another: “What reliance could they place on the protection of a prince so recently their enemy?” (William Hickling Prescott).

Dependence suggests reliance on another to whom one is often subordinate: “When I had once called him in, I could not subsist without Dependence on him” (Richard Steele).


So with all of this I then need to go into the word and claim the truth.
Trust:

Psalm 118:8
It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man

John 14:1
Trust in God; trust also in me.

Psalm 40:4
Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

Isaiah 30:15
This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel says,
"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength."

Isaiah 28:16
So this is what the Sovereign LORD says: "See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who trusts will never be dismayed."

Isaiah 26:3-4
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.

Jeremiah 17:7-8
Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

So I take refuge in God
I trust in the trinity
I look to God for all things
quietness and trust are my strength
I will not be dismayed if I trust in God
Peace...perfect peace, comes from trusting
I will be firmly planted, will not waiver and my confidence will abound as I trust in God. I will be blessed.

Honestly, I have to say that I have seen God move in my life and do some amazing things. Why do I still doubt sometimes that He will come through for me? That he loves me enough to bless me? It comes from my human brain...trying to figure things out on my own. That I have to see tangible proof. I am a lot like Thomas. I need to put my hands in Christ's side, see his hands and feet. I wish I could say that I blindly trust...like a child. So I will meditate on this. Eat the word. Sit in the presence of God.

1Corinthians 1:25
For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Come Lord...come and breath new life. Father God draw me deeper into the fullness that you offer me. Teach me your ways. My hearts cry is to know you more each day. To walk in the wisdom that you pour into me. Break through the barriers that I put up. Tear down the walls of security so that I can walk with courage, not fearing what people think but that I can know that I know, my identity comes from you.
Praise God.

issue

so ya...I have not blogged a lot while here. I have not had a lot of time. I have been busy meeting people, being ministered to and learning about the ministry.
It is incredible this journey. FAST FORWARD! REDEMPTION! GO GOD GO!

He who has begun a good work in me will finish it to completion...for his glory and fame.

Living out loud in the church, community, government, family, friends...what does that look like? What does that entail? It is not being afraid of what is ahead but focused on the here and now...for tomorrow may never come.

So I felt challenged this week...on many levels. I would like to share this, yet, I know that I need to do some reflecting as well. God is continually stretching me and getting me out of the comfort zones in my life.
Knowing, I have a voice, I have a story...of hope, restoration and his grace and mercy. Praise him.
This journey is not about me. It is about God...and of his character. It is not about me. Because nothing has been done in my life without God. I die to myself, my agenda and continually ask God to move in...to areas of my life that I have hid away.

Some HUGE stuff happened during ministry time and that too. Things to do with the church and my bad attitude...my repenting of my attitude and steps that I need to take to ask for forgiveness. As scary that is, I need to take the steps that I feel that God is asking me to take. I know that his glory will come out of it.
Well, we leave tomorrow and I am TIRED!
Please pray for our provisions, and travel.

deeper still

Thursday....evening...

What is God doing?





"trust in me"

and then we leave

...where is my passport?...pray!!!!
...will I get everything done?...run around!!!!

friends call and wish me all the best, yesterday my farewell at my previous job! Life is moving along fast...and yet, I pause and breath and see God everywhere. I see how he has orchestrated everything for his glory.

I love what is going on. I love this step of faith as an Urban Missionary. It makes me ever aware of how I am to rely on God for my "everything". In a world which says...YOU MUST DO IT ON YOUR OWN...this is a new step of faith for me.

So tomorrow we leave for Marion Indiana. I would ask for prayers of safety. 7 of us are going down and we are all excited and looking forward with much anticipation to what God is going to show each one of us. I would ask that you pray for provision. That God would meet our needs as we travel.

I will try and post as much as I can. Today, I purchased a digital camera and so I hope that I can download some pictures as well.

Shalom,
Kenny

So I am the official Resource and Outreach Coordinator at New Direction as of Monday.
Thank you to each of you who have said they would support me financially this year and to those who have given one time gifts...a blessing to each one of you.

pre Exodus...some brain thoughts

Exodus....

So the conference is coming up, my job is coming to a close and a new one beginning. A lot of stuff happening.
Tonight was a good one. As I reflected on today, I thought how true it is that apart from God there is no good thing. I feel the blessing of community, of seeking how to do his will and moving out into that. Of not doing life alone.
Learning to boast in my weakness. Ya...that is a new concept but one that I am enjoying in what feels a little twisted. To see God's strength so evident in my life. Him teaching me how to live and love.
I was writing yesterday while doing laundry and just wrote. Feelings and thoughts, flowing like water and onto the paper. It was freeing to let it all come out. I find the more I write and speak the more confident I feel. I am understanding who Kenn is. The gifts and talents that God has given me...makes me feel blessed. I like myself for the first time in many years. Ya, I got crap in my life and I am far from perfection this side of heaven...but I enjoy me. It is strange to say that, but it is true. I have been seeking out who I am in Christ Jesus. I pray and die to self all the time, yet God calls me to love myself as he loves me. So I can fully love others. Incredible concept. I just thought it was selfish or egocentric to love oneself...but I find that it is validating and important to do so.

I will be posting while at Exodus...if they do not have a computer then I will journal the old fashioned way and then post it all.
Phoebe and I continue to put God at the center of our relationship and it is refreshing and sweet. A frangrance pleasing to God. I love what is happening. I shared with someone from my housegroup how I have been seeing God restoring the years the locusts have eaten and I am in awe at God's timing...how perfect it is. Even though I think he is moving fast...I also know it is all about him...and not at all about me. I am a vessel, willing to walk with Him as my center.
I continue to be very thankful for Phoebe and who she is and where she has come from. I met her parents last week and felt an immediate warmth and acceptance.
So with that I bid good night....men's breakfast friday morning...it comes early.

Just leave with this bit of writing....from yesterday....

"I tried hard to mask my lonliness my deep need to connect with others, in particular, men.
Extreme neediness, pawing, panting, pouncing on the next vulnerable soul, to get my needs met.
Scared shit-less to think anyway different and not really wanting to change because it brought immediate pleasure and heaven forbid that I allowed myself to feel anything other than just that.
I clung to the absolute truth (lie) that this is just who I am.
Night after night I would go to sleep wondering...is this it? Is this all there is to life? Cloud my thinking, my emotions with my drugs of choice...medicate, medicate, medicate. Pot, poppers, sex, shopping. Mask it, bandaid it, keep it well away from any level of light source."