beautiful life

Today was the last session of Living Waters and I have to admit, I am happy that it is over. Now don't get me wrong. I loved it. I loved most of all the time spent with the guys. Hearing the stories of their lives. Being vulnerable and real. Transparent. I walk away a better man because of the input that 6 men in my group played in my life. How they shared, how they reacted. It shows how important community is in our lives. How important and God driven it is to connect with me. I understand how much has been twisted and bent out of shape in my years of seeking encounters with men sexually. How in my past relationship with my ex, not everthing was bad. How it has always been God's intent for men to be real with one another and have intimate relationships with each other...just not in a sexual way.

Now society may deem that invalid, especially with todays views on homosexuality, but I feel like more of a man than I ever have. I got a comment from someone and he said...it was too bad that I never allowed myself the experience to really know God as a gay man and to experience a totally committed relationship. I have had to disagree with him. To know God fully...I do not believe you can be in a gay relationship and honestly know God fully. I think you can know God and God can use you and move in you, but to fully understand the healing and the annointing...not sure if you can, and I do not need to go there to see if you could. For me, I am happy in the place where I am at.

I have lived in the gay community, and there are parts of that community that I loved. There is also parts that I thought "darkness dwells there". I have lived in both sides of the sphere. I am choosing to walk in the fullness of Christ. I know people who are gay who say they are christians and who walk and talk with God. I believe that...but I think that deep down, there is something more that they crave, desire and want. Something that man cannot give. A wholeness, a deeper relationship with God, the Abba Father, Holy One, who sent His only son Jesus to take from us the hurts of our youth, our adulthood and place it on the cross. All the disappointments of having a messed up family, incest, abuse, confusion of our gender. I know men and woman who have walked out of the confusion and into the light of who they are in Christ and who are extrememly happy and fullfilled.

So my challenge is for anyone reading this who is questioning, who has a relationship with God...is there more to life than what you have? Is what you have all there is? Is God calling you to something more?

As hard as it could be and will be, all God wants is to embrace us and call us into our true identities...apart from the worlds view.

I leave that with you. I place this flower on here as a sign of my thankfulness to those who have embraced me and supported me. Who have carried me through this time in my life and who continually bless me. To those men in my group who inspire me and move me past my own brokenness. To the leaders who pushed, pulled and prayed. To the teachers who taught about the truth, grace and mercy of our God. Thank you for who you are in Christ Jesus.

through the gate

Living Waters ends this week. Reflecting...which I do a lot of...this has been an incredible journey.

Entering through the gate of healing and understanding. Remembering who I am and who I am called to be. Continuation of the life of transparency. Recognizing that this journey cannot be walked alone. Community is so understated in our society. It is a get what you can and just be happy. Do what makes you happy.

Yesterday night, after an incredible weekend of planning and executing an engagement party for a couple that I know, I got home and crashed! Emotions flowed freely as I relished this gift from God, and the ability to use it! Then emotions of wanting more. Of wanting to step out of this peaceful and joyous moment and be gratified in my flesh. To be more exact...I wanted to go out and have sex. I have not felt that for a long time. Then I sat, prayed, asked for clarity. I went on msn and chatted with a friend who prayed and as I reflected on what God is doing in my life, the intensity diminished. No longer did I want to go out and seek a false sense of release.

Yesterday, the message that I got out of the life lesson and what struck me was how we make ourselves look good when really we are feeling like shit. I battle with that. There are times, when I make myself out to be more than what I am. That I am stronger than what I feel inside. Again, it is making me dig deeper. It is making me give things over to God...saying...."REFINE ME!"

Yesterday I wrote this...

There is this dark
this incredible dark
that tries it's best to cover me.

To enter in, to take a place
of things that are unseen,
into the corners of my mind
where thoughts and passions play.

So take a step
step away,
So take a step
step away.

into the arms of my Father
who brings new life to me.
who brings his light
and shines it bright,
into the corners of my life.

So incredible is the truth of who God is. It is having a faith of something unseen. It is moving past the will of myself and accepting God's truth for my life. I can no longer walk back and into the past and into the life that I led. Too much knowledge has entered into my mind and especially my heart. God has taken the blinders off and allowed me to see who I am. This incredibly gifted man. Flamboyant, creative, tender, warrior, ready to do battle. Ready to show compassion, not judgement. Ready to be used by him in every aspect of my life. To know the extent of his infinite love. To serve and be ready to give, out of his love for me. Knowing that there is no choice anymore. No choice to go back.

For me the way is secure. For me the path is narrow, difficult, yet I am not alone. So I am going through the gate, up this path towards the future prize. This path that was not meant to be walked alone, this path full of stones and fallen trees. This way of life is narrow, but it is also full of joy, peace and a security. It is an adventure worth living. I challenge those not on this journey to consider joining. It's not as bad as you think!




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Wedding planner/teach me/survey's....

Ah, school, wonderous school. I really dislike University. Well, maybe just U of W. I took psychology this year. One class. Just one. But I coupled with that a full time job, a part time job, a highly emotionally charged Living Waters program and a move back to Winnipeg. I thought...hey, I am ready. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! When are you ever ready to jump back into school. I went thinking...so, I will start here and one day get my ed degree. As I have been working in the school system, I realize that I really do not want to teach. I have seen the system and it isn't changing any time soon. I love kids. Adore them. But to teach them...I know I can do it, but is it the place for me. Is my heart there. It isn't.

I was recently listening and watching the willowcreek leaders DVD's and one of the speakers asked...."what is your holy dicontent?" Meaning, what injustice can you not stand? I hate the fact that there is so much poverty around, I hate the fact that there are a lot of lukewarm christians and I don't want to be one of them. I hate it that the harvest is plentiful, the workers few. That there are young christian men and women, moving into the gay lifestyle because of lack of support, mentorship and education. What gives with that? Why are the churches not standing up and taking notice that they are losing their children...?

So today after school, I was walking to Hesed and crying out...God, have mercy, pour out your grace, I need more of it. I let the rain pelt on my, I was drenched by the time I got to the house and sat in the car thinking, why am I going to school? Just to get some letters behind my name? Does that make me more valuable to society? Then I heard the words in my head...."teach me your ways oh God, and lead me" So I prayed that over and over again....Lord God, teach me YOUR ways, not mine or the worlds, but yours. Let your ways go deep within me.

Also, today, I went and took a survey at University to fullfill the research quota and so it was on sexuality and personality. Let me tell ya, it was like a indepth version of my past...how many people I slept with and situations that I happened to put myself. Well, after that section...I was thinking, wow, Kenn, the experiences in the past...like a faucet...turned on full blast, or a rain storm. Then they asked for the present situation that i am in sexually and I could put on there...nil. Like a dry dessert, or a quiet pasture land. Then they asked about the future...and I just put down, will wait to sleep with only my wife...period. I loved that question. It was a stamp...saying...this is how it will be. God, teach me your ways...YOUR WAYS. Let it be so.

So this weekend, busy, busy, busy. Lot's to do, study, help throw an engagement tea...which totally reminds me. When I was in BC, my friend got married and I thought, boy, I loved the lady who was their wedding planner. I thought, I would love that. I already did little event planning with a coworker and so why not. I enjoy it, the creative planning, making sure everything gets done. So when I was discussing the meal with the father/mother/bride and groom to be, the bride to be said, you should just be our wedding planner. Well, I blew it off, saying, I don't want to be "Fraunk", but then I remembered the dream and realized...wow God, you are letting me do a little learning. I even have a photographer and flower contact. Plus this week, I have been asking God for a creative thing to do. Then I thought, hmmm, what about being a wedding planner for those who come out of the gay and lesbian lifestyle...now wouldn't that be something. Party and celebrate and make it grand.

Just thoughts I am pondering...and asking God again......"TEACH ME!!"

apologies

Really late, reviewed my blog entry and was going to delete it. I guess for me I need to come to peace with me. Realizing that my faith is my relationship with Christ. To live by the Spirit and in that, not judging others, especially those who choose to live differently than me. I think I have been moving toward judging others and that is not right. Agh, this sin in my...I was talking with someone tonight and was just reminded how sinful I am. It is gross, I need a Tshirt that says...I am just a parasite....
God is so good and I am so bad. I wish I could get past some issues that I think about. Like Urban planning, the Aid's epidemic, Poverty, injustice...and the list would go on and on. Realizing I am a mere mortal and God is GOD. Mercy me, pour it out.
So living waters is nearly over, 3 more meetings. Then I am a graduate of the program. Where does that take me or leave me? There has been so many times when I have just felt God hold me, tenderly caress me and tell me He loves me. Showing me how to live a life of purity and in that admitting that I am a broken vessel and he is the master restorer. I decided at the end of January, that I needed to do the opposite of how I felt. So that has led me to join in on a men's breakfast every friday morning at 630 am, joining in or starting up a housegroup, continuing to be accountable to a couple of men. Also continuing on in this healing journey. Submitting to God my brokenness, asking Him to heal me and knowing he will.
Also stepping out to serve others has been so important. I really do believe that we gain healing by serving. Working at the House of Hesed has been so important. I get so much out of that job. Also, working at New Direction as a volunteer until school is out and giving my time learning what goes on in the office has been so valuable. I look forward to the potential of working full time in the office. So stepping out into the unknown is good. Learning to look at others who choose to live differently with a different focus is good. It is all a learning curve...thank you Jesus for the Holy Spirit who stirs and teaches our hearts. So ya, if I offended anyone about the burbs...forgive me please, I am a work in progress.

the sssuburbsss

My mind tonight is racing with thoughts on community life, christianity and the world we live in.
I spent the evening reconnecting with some long lost friends. I went with a little fear. Mostly because, I had no idea what they were like anymore. They had no clue who I was anymore. Turned out that I think we are pretty similiar in many ways.
But it got me thinking again of living and breathing our faith. What does it mean to be a christian in this day and age? So many Christians are up and moving to the burbs, for what ever reason, it appears that maybe that is safer than living in poorer areas of town. They put their kids in private Christians schools...again, safer for their children. So they in turn isolate themselves in a world away from reality. Have a nice home, a couple of cars, good jobs, mortgages and big box stores now their life. So what does this all mean for me?
I am angry. I am frustrated with the look good Christian. "I am a christian, therefore, I am to live a prosperous life...appearances are everything"
That is crap. When I read in the New Testiment about being a believer, a follower of Christ, I don't get the impression that this is how we are to live.
Remember it is harder for a rich man to enter into the kingdom. Why?
If we are blessed with a good job...what does that mean? We move or build a bigger home, to again fill it with stuff? Or does it mean we are to be more giving to those who do not have? Just some of the questions that are moving around in my head. How does moving to the burbs help our city?
Why not stay and build a stronger west end or North End? I guess, I am an idealist. Maybe, I think that we could make a difference if we were not so scared. But what are we scared about? Losing our life? Losing our stuff? It isn't ours anyway. We have to die to self and take up the cross. Our earthy possessions...they do not belong to us anyway. Maybe when I see the prostitute in my back lane and the johns driving by, I could get worried, especially if I had a wife and children, but then I realize that I would want to expose them to that, so they could see the hurt out there. That they could feel Christ's heart for them. That, we are no different than the prostitute. That Christ loves us just the same.
Ah, my mind...it needs to slow down right now....on a different note.
I do have to say that tonight was a first for me...in a long time. I have been back in Winnipeg for almost a year. Tonight, I got a hug! From a guy...! I think it was the first one that I have had since being back in Winnipeg...that did not come from a relative...or from someone who wanted sex. Insane? Why do men not hug? Why do christian men not hug? Do they think that they might be gay if they do hug? Another pondering question?

Media, Movies, Mindset

This is a recent article that I wrote for New Direction's Newsletter. Wanted to share it on here...what do you think?


The last few months the media has been full of articles, reviews and high expectations of the movie Brokeback Mountain. I am not surprised with how the media covered the movie. I heard statements like, “this is the last frontier” and “now people can see what being in the closet can really do to someone’s life”.
I have not seen the movie and do not plan on seeing it. I have been there, done that, wore the T-shirt and then burned the T-shirt. Thinking about the media blitz made me contemplate what the mindset we as Christian’s in particular might form.
Movies like this, and there are a lot now that are coming out in theatres, should be a wake up call for us as believers. The Gay and Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered (GLBT) activist groups are rising up and are narrowing their gaze at what we as Christians are really like. What is our mindset? Does this movie put us into a rage against the GLBT community and to those loved ones who adopt this false identity or does it spur us toward a better understanding for those who struggle with their sexual identity? Does it make us want to become better educated so that we can fully understand this issue and thus walk with a heart of compassion and love?
The homosexual issue has been with us for thousands of years, so this really is not the last frontier. It is not a new issue for believers to try and understand, but it is an issue that we have shunned away from because it makes us uncomfortable. Now is the time for us to truly rise up and become the compassionate and loving people that we are intended to be. This does not mean we adopt the position that being gay is okay. It does mean that we educate ourselves. We immerse ourselves in understanding those who struggle with their sexual identity, particularly those in our churches who struggle in silence. We need to be aware that we are being watched and judged by those in the GLBT community.
Romans 2:1-4 says this, “You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things. And we know that God, in his justice, will punish anyone who does such things. Since you judge others for doing these things, why do you think you can avoid God’s judgement when you do the same things? Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?”
In Chapter one of Romans it talks about the “very things you do”. It links us all together as sinners. No one is exempt from death…no not one, but we as believer’s have the hope, mercy, grace and most importantly love that has been given us through Jesus Christ, that needs to be shown in our lives. With the human condition becoming ever darker, does this mean we hide ourselves away and shelter ourselves in our man made fortresses or do we step out and bring the light that is in us to people around us?
1Peter 3: 15- 17 says “Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it. But do this in a gentle and respectful way. Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ. Remember, it is better to suffer for doing good, if that is what God wants, than to suffer from doing wrong!”
So as I think of all the movies and discussions that might take place, I think we are reminded that we are to look first at our own lives. What is our representation to the world? Are we being the salt and light? Are we living our faith the way Christ showed us to or are we hiding away, hoping this will pass? Being someone who has been active in both the Christian community and the GLBT community, I pray more than ever that God will increase the compassion he has for the GLBT community within me. That way when they come and inspect my life, they will see God’s grace and mercy flowing freely, and my mindset will be that of Christ’s, full of love and compassion for those not yet free

Growing in Him

By His divine power, God has given me everything I need for living a godly life. I have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called me to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given me great and precious promises. These are the promised that enables me to share his divine nature and escape the world's corruption caused by human desires.
In view of all this, I make every effort to respond to God's promises. I supplement my faith with a generous provision of moral excellence and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more I grow like this, the more productive and useful I will be in my knowledge of my Lord Jesus Christ. But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins. So, I work hard to prove that I am really among those God has called and chosen. I will do these things, and I will never fall away. God will give me a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
2 Peter 1:3-11 (personalized)

So I grow in Him, I accept that call on my life. To watch how I live...where I place my desires. Tonight at Living Waters, the teaching was on Temptation and 2 Peter summed that up nicely. I will never be free from temptation or struggle...and I walk in humility and in the authority that God has given me. It is what I do with that temptation and struggle. Do I allow it in to mess me up...or do I acknowledge it for what it is and submit to God...allowing His strength to take over.

Move in Lord...move in. I was overwelmed by his love and provision this week. I have been asking for God to reveal his provision...so I can testify on how he provides and I had an answer this week. Wow, God, you are amazing. When I least expected it! I just sat in awe and praised him. It strengthens my faith.
So this week, I continue to pray...God expand my heart...expand this heart thing you are doing...so I know how wide, deep, high...is your love for me.

I was talking and just thought...God...when did this happen? When did the walls fall? When did this thing in my heart start happening? It is an answer to my hearts cry.

So March 13th it will be a year since God took over...when he called me in the wilderness and told me He would be with me...He would guide and protect me. It was that day when I submitted in the wilderness...and the tremendous joy I felt. It has been up and down...but looking back...wow, God, you poured our your grace and mercy. You showered me with you love. You are restoring the years the locusts have eaten and I am totally excited with this adventure. I know the importance of accountability, the importance of community, of men sharpening iron together. I know the importance of being transparent. I told my group leaders how I went to a Superbowl party...and okay...that is something I would never had done...but I feel it is time I do things I normally would not do. I had a blast at the party. I actually loved the football game. Now hockey...that is another thing, but never say never. It is doing the opposite of what your flesh would want me to do. So I step out in faith as a man of God. As a man of valor. As a compassionate and caring man. Continuing to cry out to God for more. Come Lord Jesus Come.
So I am growing...if you have the image of a toddler who has just started walking and the joy in their face...that is my face right now.
Thanks for those you are praying for me...Bless you!

a recent post

This is a comment that I posted on a blog recently and I wanted to add it to my archives so...some of you have read it before...some of you, this will be new.



First, I am a man, who for 30 years has struggled with this issue of homosexuality. When I was a kid...ridicule and abuse was my name plate. It began the identification process in me. I knew I was different and had this desire and attraction to men.
I tried to get help from the church...here are some comments....
"It is a phase, most guys have experienced this questioning of our sexuality."
"You need to pray more"
"The Bible will give you the answers"
"Your still struggling? You aren't trying hard enough."
So I led a double life...good christian on the outside for many years...and a raging sex addict on inside, and this expressed by many encounters. Still I longed to be free of this struggle with my identity.
So I went on missions, did a discipleship training course...but still struggled...even got engaged. Even attended group sessions with people struggling with similiar issues. Then one day...I gave up. I couldn't take it anymore...broke up with the fiance, stopped attending church...and walked away. Embracing that I must have been born this way. Read books about why I was this way and how I should just embrace my identity.
That was 9 years ago. Eight of those years, I lived with a partner...still having sex with other guys and basically doing what felt good. People would tell me to go to church, even my gay friends...as they knew God was important to me. I just couldn't. I knew enough that if I went to church, God would meet me...and I would have to change. So I didn't.I increasingly became more and more unhappy. Until finally last year in spring, my partner and I were having troubles and I went for a run in the wilderness and that is when God took control. It blows my mind still to this day. I submitted to Him being in control and for the first time in my 38 years, did I feel that there was hope for me. That this was not the intent for me. That the "gay" identity was not God's intent for me. So I moved 2000 miles away, and was faithful to his leading. Has it been easy...no way. Life is not intended to be easy. Nor is struggles to be diminished, but in every struggle, I put my hope and faith in God. I submit more. Is it denying my "true self" as most of my friends have told me?...no. What is my true self? It is to live according to the word of God. It is to submit my earthly desires and desire what God has for me. I am in the world but not of the world. The world is beginning to take the stand that it is okay to be gay. Can I be so frank and to say, I do not think it is the intent of God for us to be gay. Now I am in no means saying that everyone has to change..I leave that up to that person and his or her relationship with God. For me though...I desire that more now than ever. I seek God in all things. I hand over to him my false identity...my unwanted sexual attractions and allow him to do his work in me.
I feel liberated. I can look at my life and see the mural of my life. The desire in my youth to connect to my father, for him to call me out as a man. For him to show me love for his wife. That never happened and so I was left...empty and yearning to experience that on my own...not knowing what that looked like and being very insecure. Now place in that picture sexual abuse and being rather sensitive...I came to realize the only way to be in relationship with a guy was with sex.
People have asked, why I never changed before...well, life is a process. I think I had to come to rock bottom so that God had to be my everything. He desires that for me every day, regardless of the struggle.
I believe that all sin is equal. Homosexuality in the Bible was linked always with other sin. So why has the church made it like it was the worst one. Because it is uncomfortable. Most leaders in churches are men...and in going to churches and listening to people speak on the issue, the audience is usually full of women and generally they are the ones that stay behind and ask questions. The men kinda stand off and look rather uncomfortable. So what do we do as Christians? We educate. We promote love. The longer we put our heads in the sand...and just hope things get better, things will still stay the same. I remember hearing someone say to a few christians..."would you allow a gay or lesbian in your home to eat supper with you?" The answer was no...and I wept. Thinking what would Jesus do. He would break bread and fellowship and invite that person into their homes.
There are thousands and thousands of men and women who desire and are seeking change from unwanted same sex attractions. There are thousands and thousands who stand in victory.
There are thousand and thousands of men and women who have been hurt by the church...and christians who struggle with this issue who have just said...I give up. What then are we to do? I leave that for you to ponder over.

It's all about Trust...oh ya

Roman's 9:30-33

what does all this mean? Even though the Gentiles were not trying to follow God's standards, they were made right with God. And it was by faith that this took place. But the people of Israel, who tried so hard to get right with God by keeping the law, never succeeded. Why not? Because they were trying to get right with God by keeping the law instead of by trusting in him. They stumbled over the great rock in their path. God warned them of this in the Scriptures when he said, " I am placing a stone in Jerusalem that makes people stumble, a rock that makes them fall. But anyone who trusts in him will never be disgraced.

I have been thinking about a lot lately. Pondering faith, hope and love. I have been reading a lot about those three attributes...but also about trust. I have of course loved mercy and grace too and I walk with those two friends every day. But what is it about trust?
Immediately when I think of trust I wonder...do I really trust God? Do I really trust in his provision? Do I trust he will make all things right? So I have to look not in my circumstance but in the word...the bread of life...the springs of living water.
Being obediant and following all the commandments...are good, but if I do not trust God...I will stumble and fall...FLAT!
When I think that I won't have provision...I have to look at the word...and claim that for my life as truth and trust that God is true to his word...

Philippians 4:19-My God WILL meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
Psalm 23:1- The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
Psalm 132:15- I will bless her with abundant provisions; her poor will I satisfy with food.
1Timothy 6:17- Command those who are rich in this present world...to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

I have actually found it interesting in this study thatwhat God says he will do is provide for our needs. Not alot is said about providing for HUGE houses, or multiple cars or extravagent lifestyles. He talks a lot about providing for our day to day needs. He even goes as far as saying that we are to command (which is a pretty strong word) rich people to put their hope in God. Saying that maybe for rich people hope can somehow be lost to them.

Now Trust...what does it say about trust?

psalm 40:4 blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.


I could quote more, but I love Jeremiah so much. Wow, jammed packed with that one and one that I pray for myself. I want to be like that tree...that sends out roots and bears fruit. I want to trust God fully. Sometimes it is hard, so very hard. But I lean not on my own understanding or my own "feelings", they will fail me. I lean on the word, which is truth.
I was talking with someone the other day and we were talking about our spiritual walks and I made the comment about the presence of God in our lives. When we decide that we are going to walk in the light, walk with our trust fully on God, when we listen to his nudges, when we obey what he says, when we feed the poor, cloth the naked, help the widows and orphans...okay I hope you get the drift...when we are walking in what he has called us to do, who do you think is right there ready to try to make us stumble, or get discouraged, or cause dissention? It is the enemy who is ready to take us out. Why? Because we are doing what God wants us to do. It is when we are complacent...ho humming around, just going about our day type of christian that the enemy will leave us alone. Why? Because he has better people to try and stop. Those on the front lines...those building community, those loving others. So we arm ourselves, we get ready for those times, we stay in the light, we stay in community and we keep trusting in God and most importantly we keep loving each other. That by far is our greatest weapon of all.

Ya, just got on a role tonight. Oh and another thing...how do we define others...and ourselves? Is it with how many letters behind our names? Uh....I think I will leave that one for another time...but you can think about that and give me feed back on a Christian response.
Have a good one and keep on trustin!

Something new is going on....hey this is kinda kewl

Yes, something new is happening deep within me. There are times when I am not so sure what is happening but I know it is the processing of the Holy Spirit...and a prayer that I sent out one afternoon.
I have not blogged for a while...I think I needed a rest. Not that I have got one, but I have been able to focus on talking out loud which is something new for me. It is something I feared more than anything. Why? Because I have a fear of man. What is that person thinking about what I am saying? Am I accepted or will I be rejected? That kinda thoughts. So I have been praying lots in that area...submitting it to God. Confessing my fear...asking for more of Him...and less of me.
It has been a busy month. I picked up a part time job, to go with my full time job, as well as taking a university course and being involved in the Living Waters program. Plus, trying to keep up with getting together with people so that I do not feel too alone. So I have had little time to sit.
But I have been having some nudges and some ah ha moments.
I went to Missionfest for the first time in my life. I was expecting to meet stuffy christians...you know, kinda nerdy...social outcasts...who have to do missions because that is all that life has for them...WHAM!!!! God meets me in a HUGE way. I wept and wept and even now, as I reflect on that weekend, I weep some more. I met wonderful people...who's hearts are on fire. Who LOVE God and are willing to give up all earthy pleasures in this world to serve their Father and to spread his love to others. Okay, what is more important than that.
It got me reflecting on what happened nearly a year ago. Last year in March, is when God met me in a huge way.
I was walking aimlessly in life. Seeking something that would give me pleasure...anything. I wasn't finding it. I remember the commutes to work and I would stare out the window and look at the sunrise and the sun rays casting spectacular colors on the clouds and I would just be in awe. Now, reflecting back, I know that those moments are ones that God gave me prior to him speaking to me. I believe it was his way of showing me how awesome he is...kinda wooing me back to him. Almost always the sunrises took my breath away. I am a very visual person. Beauty, especially in nature is often where I find my deepest comfort.
So at Missionfest, I felt the nudge...a simliar nudge that I got years and years ago. "But God...how can you use me...look where I am and where I came from...I am so broken." Yet, I felt the nudge so strongly. I was listening to people tell stories of trusting in God fully. For everything and I went home and prayed "God, I am open for you to use me in whatever way. I am willing...and I trust in you."
I think that when you pray that prayer something new starts happening. It opens the door for God to move in. You are giving him the authority to take charge...and use you. So in the midst of my struggle and my pain, I offer myself to God to be used.
My part time job is working at The House of Hesed...a transition house for those with HIV and aids. It has given me so much perspective and it has taken the eyes off of me. I have to pray for strength, courage and sometimes I just go and cry in the office.
I am reminded of the song...

Blessed be your name...
on a road marked with suffering
there is pain in the offering
blessed be your name.

Then last weekend, I worked the weekend and then a double shift on monday. So I have been bagged. So sunday, I thought...okay, I will go to the early service at church and then relax before work. Well, God had something else in store. I did not make it to the early service or late one, but a friend gave me the Summit leadership DVD's from Willowcreek to watch. So I proceeded to watch them. Again...WHAM!!! A God moment.
I felt that nudge...again of laying down my life to serve God full time. Ministry? What God me?
So I have been praying about that. Meditating on that and not worrying about it...okay maybe a little...live by faith? Not have a steady income? What about my debts, they look too overwelming? I try not to be overwelmed.
But I lay down my identity, my income and my influence. For if I do, God will use those things I lay down and make it come alive. It is all about him. My hearts cry this weekend and it continues to be...GOD USE ME!!!! What I have is not mine anyway. Nothing belongs to me. I was made for God! To be used by Him as a vessel, an instrument!
So then at Living Waters, it was on the healing of the masculine. I went through the material early so I could meditate on it and so when the teaching happened, I prayed that I would allow the holy spirit to do the work, I wanted to just give all the pain over. I started getting pictures and flash backs of times of real painful moments...of harsh words slung at me, of being left alone...of the abuse! Of feeling so alone. Then the leaders prayed for the men and all of a sudden my heart is beating a mile a minute, I am feeling like I could wail. To lose it in front of all these people. I just could not open my mouth. I felt it all go down...my throat swelling shut. After the ministry session, they asked if anyone still needed prayer...okay, walk to the front...ask..."I can't seem to open my mouth to let the pain out...I feel it so deep" The leader says, it looked like you could just wail!!!! Okay, I ask for prayer...within a few moments, I am wailing, stomping my feet, feeling anger, pain, disappointment...yet feeling safe to let go, finally of so much. I know that there is probably more deep down that needs to be let out, but I feel like my voice is stronger. That I am not so ashamed of letting my emotions out...and sharing that pain with people who care enough to walk me to Christ.
So something new is going on...it's not scary anymore. I am actually a bit excited in what is happening. My alone times with God have taken on a different feeling. Being able to just talk with him. Tell him what is going on and the crap I feel and the joy I experience.
So I hold on to the robes, casting my cares at the cross and prepare for the ride of my life! Who ever said this would be boring...oh ya...that was me!!!

Psalm 90:14-17
Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love, so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives. Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery! Replace the evil years with good. Let us, your servants see you work again. Let our children see your glory. And may the Lord our God show us his approval and make our efforts successful, yes, make our efforts successful.

Fire up a revolution

my hear aches to be consumed by your fire
the refinement of precious metal
break down the calluses and hardened metal
come refiners fire.
Burn apart the barriers holding me secure
all the preconceptions long withheld
hold me tight as you bring your fire
come refiners fire.
Secret rooms and boundaries built
years of self induced ache
not willing to hold it in
come refiners fire.
Burn long and hard
my aching heart
beat the drums and trumpets shout
as the walls come crashing in
come refiners fire, come refiners fire.
kpw2006

This year is one of fire! I arrived home one night to see the apartment building across the street from my apartment on fire. I thought of the people living there. Hoping that they would have a place to stay that night. Said a prayer for them. I prayed specifically then of the refiners fire. I went to see Jon Buller and Starfield. It was AWESOME.
Incredible worship and I just felt the most amazing sense of being washed by a fountain of water. What does this have to do with fire? Well, that is my desire this year. That all the preconceptions that I have, all the walls and boundaries come down. I offer God my heart...my mind...but mostly my heart...to rip it apart and mend it back up with his love. His incredible love. I want to know...to know...to know of his amazing love...his refiners fire. So that people will look at me and see Christ. I am praying for specifics this year. To be out of debt...this will be a miracle, to go to an Exodus conference in June, to go to a training session for Living Waters and to find employment for the summer. God is good, he is faithful. I have seen him work before and I trust in him. I am also praying for direction in terms of schooling. If I should go to Providence in the fall or continue at U of W. Above all I want to do what God wills for me to do. I do not want to do what my will wants...because God's ways are Greater than mine will ever be.

I will leave this blog with a song from Starfield. I will plug them right now...if anyone wants to listen to a great worship CD, Starfield has a great one out. Wow, very lyrical!
If I am here all alone, If I'm left behind. If they spit on my face, if they hate my kind, I will rise above, I will live for love. I will answer to your call, for the bond between, for the depth unseen. for my God forsake it all.
'cause I'm a fire, I'm a flood, I'm a revolution, I'm a war, already won, I'm a revolution.
When the world is at war, when the grace is gone. When the hungry lay dead, while the rich live on, I will rise above, I will live for love, I will answer to the call, for the bond between for the depth unseen, for my God forsake it all, here I stand open hands, waiting for you, I won't back down, I'll live to speak your truth.

Music speaks to people and this song spoke so deep to me. Last year, I cried out that there must be more to life than how I was living...and this year I ache to forsake it all for God. That I will be his hands, his feet. That I will speak His truth and won't back down.
Blessing to each of you for a prosperous and gracious new year.

Revolution
If I'm here all alone, if I'm left behind. If they spit on my face

If they hate my kind, I will rise above, I will live for love

I will answer to the call.

For the bond between, for the depth unseen, for my God forsake it all.

'Cause I'm a fire, I'm a flood, I'm a revolution.

I'm a war, already won, I'm a revolution.

When the world is at war, when the grace is gone, when the hungry lay dead,

while the rich live on.

I will rise above, I will live for love, I will answer to the call. For the bond between for the depth unseen, for my God forsake it all.

(here I stand), open hands, waiting for you, I won't back down,

I'll live to speak your truth.

by Starfield

Into the New...out with the Old

This I call to mind

and therefore I have hope;

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:21-23

So into the New. As I prepare to enter into 2006, I am prone to look back at 2005. With memories of a whirlwind direction change, both in my spiritual life as well as physical location.
I began the year quietly, with my now ex partner. Hoping for a better year ahead. 2004 was rocky with lots on our plate...new house, renovations, lots of cats/kittens and cat shows to go to. Top that all off, we had begun to distance ourselves from each other.
So by the time March of 2005 had sprung up...I had decided to end our relationship. Miserable is the key word here. I felt miserable before hand then extra miserable after. Second guessing what I had done. Trying to move forward.
Then God caught me off guard. He snuck in like a loving Father and a faithful friend. Who would have thought! Not I, nor any of my friends and especially not my ex partner.
My wilderness conversion experience was what God intended. He waited. I accepted.
So within a month, I was moving back to Winnipeg. Gave up my job, said goodbye to friends for the past 6 years and left. Transition is hard. Very hard.
I moved back and lived with my family for a while. Trying hard to cope with all the newness of this situation. Feeling a loss of everything, yet I had gained so much more in the realization of who God is to me.
So now looking back at those past 8 months of being home. It has not been all rosy. I have had some tough times. Miserable times. But in looking at those miserable times, I look at it with fresh eyes. Before I would have not felt guilty of acting out sexually or even felt bad. Now I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit so evident in my life. Hard as that feels, it means that I am slowly being refined and told..."hey, love ya, that just ain't so good for you."
So what do I think of 2006? Who knows? I know that God has ordained my days. He has a plan to prosper me and to lift me out of my saddness and grief. He is strengthening me day by day. He is showing me that He loves me no matter what state I am in. That when I fail, He lifts me up and dusts me off. He continues to ask me to be open and talk about my failures...and reminds me of what it was like when I was not open...and the 8 years away from Him. In continuing to be open and honest, I am increasingly more aware of the pain and hurt that is still buried so deep within. That no matter what I do, God wants in to all areas. That nothing can seperate me from the love of Christ Jesus...even my own misconceptions, even my quietness, even my pain. So out with the old. As easy as that is to say here on the computer pad...it is still increasingly more difficult to verbalize thoughts and pain that have been racing in my mind for years.

2 Corithians 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

I need to be reminded of that verse as I enter the new year. No matter the situation, God has compassion on me (us)...and as he showers me(us) with that compassion, that I(we) shower that to others who are having a hard time.

Blessings to a bright and beautiful 2006

Practising the Presence of God

"Finally, brethren,
whatsoever things are true,
whatsoever things are honorable,
whatsoever things are pure,
whatsoever things are lovely,
whatsoever things are of good report;
if there be any virtue and if there be any praise,
think on these things."
Phil 4:8

I have been really struggling with my mind and my emotions. Trying to stay focused, yet realizing my failures in my attempts to remain in focus.
If you read that sentence, there is a strong sense of "I" and "my".
My attempts...my failures, I have been struggling.
This week in my study for LW, it became increasingly clear to practise the presence of God.
How in the world to I practice that I thought. I like to keep busy, I like to do things that occupy my time, so that I do not think of anything...especially the struggle that wages war in my mind and in my desires.
Yes, I continue to bring things into the light and to surround myself with people who are committed in being my support. Yet, there is something lacking.
Today, as I was re-reading the lesson...I had a few "lightbulb moments".
One was very clear to me. It said that there is a part of me that will never be fully satisfied until I reach glory. That I can have the most intimate relationship here on earth, yet I will long with a deep ache for what is to come.
This brings me to my previous struggle with the question..."how come I can have a great time in worship and fellowship and yet still fall sexuall?" BINGO!
There is that vaccum inside of me that needs more, yet won't fully be filled until I reach heaven. Till I stand in the presence of the Almighty God and I will be filled to completion.
Second one, that I need to be still and quiet in the presence of God. To wait for Him.....and get this...all I have to do is "just be".
What? I do not have to do anything apart from just "being"?
So I practiced that today. I am stressed out because I have an exam this week, I am stressed about finances, stressed about this whole process of change, missing being with someone, knowing this Christmas could be so very, very hard for numerous reasons. Realizing that I ended a relationship because I had to...because it was not God's will for me...and that is hard, especially this time of year. Trying to stay positive. Trying to stay focused.
So I turned on some music...and kneeled. Hands stretched out...waiting. I did not have to wait long until I was laying on the floor, wailing for no reason....yet there was a reason. Floods of images came into my head. Floods of words. Images of being alone as a teenager. Images of me stepping into sin, images of me going against what God had intended for me. Feeling the overwelming sense of sorrow...for the sin I have done against God. Then the overwelming sense of Love that God has for me. I cried for Him to just hold me. Then there I was kneeling again, this time with outstretched hand and the warmth of his embrace...okay...can't explain it...it just happened. Then just basking in that for a long time. Tears of healing. I felt as if God was crying too. Crying for the pain and the sorrow that I felt, yet, telling me He will never leave me.
So, practising the presence. Practising to be still and quiet, when life seems out of control, when temptation is at every doorway. Practising when the desires within get overwelming.
I still acknowledge the importance of calling someone and letting them know if things get tough, but for me today, this is what my spirit needed.
So I go now to LW, open to hear more. Open to put things at the cross. Waiting with anticipation to see how this all unfolds before me.
Thanks to all of you who continue to support me in your prayers. I am praying for specifics at this time...where God wants me? I need His direction...not mine. I need to get out of debt, so I can be able to be more free in where God wants me to be.
Bless you!

Confession and Community

If we claim then to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son Purifies us from all sin.
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:6-9

So what does that mean.
For me I have been opening myself up with a small group of guys. It is hard. So very hard to admit my failures and sin. Yet, I know the importance in doing this. It means that I am willing, even though it is so hard, to be in the light. If I am to understand this scripture and if I am to look back at my past, I am reminded that walking in the dark did me no good. When I closed myself off to those that cared about me...it sent me further into the dark and led me to live away from everyone for 8 years. I tried to walk in goodness and yet, I was living in the dark. Not willing to admit my sin...because I did not see that it was sin.
Realizing the importance of this aspect in life has become key for me. Is it easy or getting easier? A little bit. It is easier now to talk more about how I am doing. How I am feeling in regards to my relationship with God and what I desire.
I have had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I desire more. I want passion. I want the passion of the Holy Spirit to dwell in my. I want to have this incredible relationship with God that is so intense and amazing that it encompasses my every relationship and every part of my.
I have so much to learn.
My prayer this week has been that God would realign my spirit and will. That he would encompass me...that I would experience this passion that I long for.
I am struggling with living alone. I love it, yet it is lonely. I was thinking today as I walked to the University that I so loved having someone in the house with me...even though we did not do everything together. There was this security.
I realize that I am part of a community that loves me. I have some very dear friends who have adopted me into their family. I see them interact and am in awe. Yes, they have problems but they are so open with their feelings and express them to one another. Wow, to have that.
I started this blog to be transparent. I pray that I will continue to be that. That I continue to be that here on my site as well as with those that I have relationships with. My coworkers, my family, my friends.
Life is too short to not be transparent. Why do we hold on to the hurts and sorrows? Why do we not go to those that have hurt us or who we have hurt?
Being human is sometimes not all that fun...but we have the cross, the amazing cross infront of us. It gives us grace...and now we need to walk in that grace to walk in relation with other people.

The Cross before me

Where to begin with the image of the cross so burned into my image.
Yesterday was another living waters evening. I went knowing that I would again have to confess a failure. How my heart was pumping and even though I knew that this would be a safe place, I still felt the constraint to maybe not mention anything. I went against what I was feeling and opened myself up.
This weeks lesson was really on the "will" of God as well as our own "will". I went into the evening wanting to really have my will line up to God's. How I often have such a weak will. That I don't stand firm when I should.
So at the end of the lesson, we prayed a prayer and someone sprinkled water on us. Then someone said that if anyone wanted to come to the front...there is a cross there, that we could come to symbolize the laying of our will at the foot of the cross. I am not one to go up. But I felt this spring in my chair and then there I was at the foot of the cross. Kneeling there I gave to Christ my will. My feeble attempt to try and do things on my own. You would think by now I would know better. Realizing again the magnitude of my decision to leave the gay lifestyle and the magnitude of leaving my ex partner. Realizing the importance of the cross. To have it in my vision as I face each new challenge everyday.
Two weeks ago, I went swimming with my student that I work with. Before going in the pool, I took off my cross that I wear. I can't for the life of me find it. I have searched for 2 weeks in pockets and it is no where. Wearing the cross for me has been a constant reminder of what Christ did for me. So not wearing one has been hard. I have found this week especially that I sometimes am reaching to my neck and there is nothing there and so I pray. I pray for the continued reminder of the importance of the cross. That I can lay everything there. That God gave the greatest sacrifice for me....for me! If I was the only person alive it would have still been done for me. To understand that...well, it challenges me. It challenges me to move forward. It challenges me not to give up. When I am overwhelmed with memories and thoughts or failures, I can say that I won't give in. I will not move backward. I see the cross as the ultimate gift.
So as I journey onward, I pray always to be reminded of the cross before me.

I read a letter from a friend who has been called to start up a church in a pretty affluent area in Vancouver. I read a letter from someone who was negative toward their letter that they sent out to thousands of people in the neighborhood. Having worked in the area I know the people. Most of the people have degrees...Have studied and are rather wealthy.
So for them to realize there is something "more" to life is hard. For they have the funds to medicate their loneliness and they have the intellect to tell them that believing in God is futile and only for the uneducated who need that crutch. He was even likened to the United States Right Wing Christian Movement.

I was quite saddened really after reading the letter. Part of me understood the person writing. If I had been given that letter a year or two ago, I too would have probably responded in a similar way. That saddened me. It also made me thankful that I am not there anymore. That through my journey...God rescued me. He became evident in my life and I came to realize that there was more to life than just working, eating, breathing and going to the best restaurants or the latest art openings. He wanted me to know there was more to life than just medicating the problems. So my heart goes out to the people in that area. I have been there. The cross was no where close to my vision...Yet reminders where given constantly. That is how good and gracious my God is. I hope and pray that others will see the true need that their spirit cries out for. It is not saying no to education or wealth. But it is realizing the cross before them. That there is a gift more precious than gold or silver....more precious than any intelligent conversation that you can have and with it...it will change your life.

cabin

Went to the cabin this weekend.

I bid bye bye to the cats and went on my way.
It was hard leaving them alone for just one night. I tried not to worry. But I do live in the West End...for those who don't know Winnipeg, this area of town has a fair bit of crime. I am not overly worried. I pray a protection around the house and trust that everything will be alright. It is actually a great place to be in. You do not take for granted anything.

I picked up my brother and we picked up the all important coffee and headed up to The Narrows. We got there and went to work. It was great to sweat a bit and see some progress made on my dad and his wife's cabin. Then we ate steak and talked until the wee hours...well, I jammed around 1030 as I was exhausted.

We talked about faith, life, community and then I was asked if I was happy. Was I really happy?
I said yes. I did add however the aspect of change. With change there comes a time of sorrow and grieving. I was asked...one minute I am living in BC and am gay and now I am saying that I wasn't even gay to begin with. I can see the confusion and the questioning. Understanding Same sex gender issues is eye opening. It has been for me. To understand my legitimate needs in terms of connecting with men. But how that was twisted to be sexual. How it was never met to have been like that.
So while the 3 of us talked, I felt for one of the first times a feeling like I was one of the "guys". It was good!

I am reminded of a passage in Romans
Romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Hoping for restoration. Hoping for wholeness. Understanding my weakness and realizing the Spirit helps me in my weakness. I talked about speaking in tongues with my the guys and I explained a situation when I was in Langley and was breaking up with my ex and sometimes all I could do was groan and moan and somehow, I knew I was communing with God. I had no words to express how I was feeling, yet the groans and moans where interpreted by the spirit. If you read on in Romans, you will find that explaination.
So I hope in many things and wait patiently. Knowing that I have a far bigger God that I can ever imagine, who loves me far more than I can comprehend.

Again...Lord?

It has been a while since I have posted. I needed a break. Not because I did not want to post. I did. But there was this feeling that said wait. Wait a minute...take a breath.
I think it interesting that I can't sleep and it is snowing and it is just white all around. Quite beautiful actually. The snow covers up the dirt, it covers up the garbage and makes things look fresh. I live in a pretty rough/tough area of town. So looking outside now, everything looks peaceful and serene. The trees are blanketed with fresh snow and the ground is covered.
I feel like I should write tonight.

Last week was a rough start. I did not focus. I faultered and wondered why?
I asked why?
Why God?
Why was I not stronger or more capable of saying no?
Am I supposed to learn something here?

I have become increasingly more aware of my failings, as well, I have become increasingly more aware of when I call out. When I take steps that lead me closer to God instead of farther away.
So when I ask 'why God', it is leading me closer to him. I would never have pondered that question upon him, yet I feel like I can now. I want to hear from him more and more...and in doing so, he renews my mind. He takes the patterns that are ever present and starts making new ones. YIPEE!
My brother told me to read Galations 5. Freedom in Christ.
This is what I heard while reading....
1...stand firm
2...have faith in Christ and have hope
3...serve one another in love. Love your neighbour as yourself...but you first have to love yourself.

So do I love myself?
As a christian, I have always thought, "I cannot love myself, that means I am self centered. Not really. Do I treat myself with respect? Do I act as though my body is a temple?
Then we have the ever present sinful nature. This is because we live in a sinful and fallen world. While reading the list I am reminded of my sinful nature...
sexual immorality,
impurity, debauchery
idolatry, witchcraft
hatred, discord, jealous fits of rage
self ambition, dissensions, factions and envy
drunkenness, orgies and the like.
Read how each of the words on each line go together.

But because I am washed clean and the blood of Christ covers me, I now take up the fruit of the spirit....
Love, joy
peace, patience
kindness, goodness
faithfulness, gentleness
self control.

Despite living in this fallen world I need to heed to the fruits of the spirit. As I go about my day, do I live in love and joy. Is the spirit evident for others to see...and they see that by the fruits of the spirit.

It is almost a week since beginning this post. It has become ever more clear for me that living in community is the way to go. As I live alone, I wonder...how is this living in community? My week should be built on that and living alone means it is more important than ever to make those social connections. Having moved back from BC this year and now having to "start over", make new friends and reconnect with family...it is hard. I have lived for so long busy with life. Working, driving, looking after cats and sleeping. So now I have to push myself to get out there. That is a wee bit scary...but for me it is important.

I made a meal for a family that I know. There is 5 of them. When I invited them, they asked if I knew what I was getting in to with having them all over. I LOVED it. For me cooking and breaking the bread is something that is so important to our community living aspect. I hope to do more of that in the coming year.

laying things bare

Okay, okay...God I get it!
Painful as it is...I know this is real. I have a conscience. I have the spirit inside of me which convicts me of sin. So what do I do about it? Remembering what I did years ago and where that took me, shakes me into reality.
I quickly submit to God, to those who love and suport me who walk with me, showing me Jesus.
Realizing the wonderful aspect of being a body of believers who are real. Who understand their failings and who accept their brokenness.
I was asked a very thought provoking question this week, after sharing some tough issues that I have faced this past week.
"does it feel like you have been white knuckling it in regards to staying sexually sober?"
Ah....and when that fails where does that leave your resolve?
It made me think of how I face my struggle and my sin. How I face my fears and my shortcomings. Do I really give it all to God? or do I try my best to hold out until I fall?
I hope it is not the later, but sadly enough it is.
So I ask God again...tear my heart....tear it to pieces...and then rebuild. Again, it is a heart issue that I am dealing with. Something that I am not familiar with, but one that I want to embrace.
I am learning what it means to be a man. A brave one at that. Not trying to boast or be proud, because I am very broken and fully embrace God as my strength, especially in my weakness. But I am understanding bit by bit, what it means to be a man. A man who recogonizes his shortcomings and runs for helpt. I remember years ago, if I had a sexual fall, I would more than likely not talk about it and keep it hidden. But now I run for help...maybe not the same day, but a day later is pretty good.
So laying things bare....laying my life bare.

i was reading my poetry book and was struck at an entry in 1997. now this was the year I walked away from my faith and this is what it looked like!

Wandering
legs aching
head spinning
watching
looking
wondering.
Thoughts race
heart pounds
feet move faster
chosen
embraced
caressed
loved...?
for a moment.
used
wasted
tired
dead.
kpw97

How life has changed since. For those reading...or interested in reading...I want to leave you with one piece of advice from one broken down vessel, who is being mended daily....be open! As hard as it is and as horrific it might feel, open your life up. Sure it might feel painful, but in the end, the joy you will feel is life changing. I will continue to open myself up...be quick to confess, and to reach out before it is too late.
Thanks to those who are my supports, mentors and friends....I love you all.

I can do all things...through Christ who strengthens me.

I was reminded of this verse this weekend as I sat in a field of color.
There was a group of us...5 in total that travelled to Oregon Ill, to attend an Exodus Conference. If you ever get a chance to go, GO! Especially in autumn, when the leaves are turning color. It was an awesome experience, just looking at the scenery.
But for me this wasn't the only thing that I felt in awe about. Here I am, 6 months out of a gay relationship. On a quest for holiness, knowing that I can do nothing without Christ who strengthens me. That I am utterly broken without him. I sat listening to people speak on Hope and restoration. That God pours out hope for this journey ahead. The question that was asked of us, was what did we get out of this weekend? For me, I was in tears most of the time. Both speakers, ministered to me in similiar ways. Both offered words of hope. That we are not alone in this journey or struggle. That we have others that are praying for us and encouraging us. That our focus should be on Jesus and having an intimate relationship with him. To base my healing on how straight I am or if I get married is nonesense. My healing is based on my relationship with Jesus. The desire to have that passionate relationship with him first and foremost is evident...it is what I desire. To lay my agenda down and just be wanting more and more of the Holy Spirit in my life. I felt "normal" at the retreat. I felt like I fit in and was comfortable. I had an amazing time with the 4 others from Winnipeg, who encouraged me and blessed me more than they know. The other people that I connected with down there too, I felt like I could be myself and let my hair down...this is in regards to Karaoke singing...okay singing Dead or Alive at the top of my lungs, pretty intense for me and I could have sung all night. The worship, sharing, messages were intimate.
So what did I get from the weekend? I got the chance to get better aquainted with the 4 other people in a wonderful way, tons of laughter and some tears. I got to know other people from the states who have incredible hearts and stories of redemption and hope. If you would have told me 6 months ago, that I would experience 2 Exodus Conferences and start placing my trust in God in a real way, I would have laughed at you. But, I am loving my life. I am loving the way God is orchestrating it. I love watching it unfold sometimes and I just become more thankful. It is still hard...hard facing issues that come up. Hard to face the realities of the struggle, but I am willing to do that. Before I would have closed off certain doors, due to pain that I did not want to face. Now, it is time to face them. Knowing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I was asked if I could read the last supper at the communion service on Sunday. It was a stretch for me. I usually do not like speaking in front of people, so I prayed hard. I asked God to take away the fear as well as take away my motives and agenda and that I would be an empty vessel, being used by God. It went okay. This is pretty much the first time speaking scripture out loud...and I hope to do more of it. So that speaking in front of people will come easier. God gave me strength to do it.
I travelled home from Living Waters today, not all that happy, yet not all that sad. I was tired and so my sharing was pretty unemotional. I felt though the presence of the Holy Spirit, and knew that I was being faithful in my sharing. The Holy Spirit showed me 2 pictures while the leaders prayed over me. One was a stream and my sin was being thrown into it and it was moving far away. Then I had a picture of a hallway in a castle and the secret doors were being opened and dust flying out. OOOOH! I could get scared here and close those doors, but it felt really good for them to open. It is what I have wanted to happen. So I will meditate on that this week.
So, I look forward in giving my everything to this journey. God is good, even when it hurts. There are good people around me that show me their hearts and tell me I am not alone...I am greatful to them.
Today, I feel like a man.

...on a side note, I had my best golf game ever...while in Oregon Ill. Thanks to the wonderful caddy and the two other golfers. Thanks too for the cheerleaders at the 9th hole. You all rock my world!

Why?

Okay, I am learning to ask God why! I am learning to ask him a lot of things...and realizing that it is okay for me to do so. To dialogue with God. That he is not just some airy, misty, magical being...but actually someone I can talk to and really talk to.
This week I asked God why. Why is this struggle so intense? Why do I feel this battle all the time? Why does it have to be so hard? I layed it on the line...either give me some reassurance that this gets better and that I will feel some type of joy in the midst of this...or just take me home...because it would probably feel better in heaven. Then I thought...what am I saying? I can't say this to God! Yet, why not!

God already knows what I am thinking. (pause) and he still loves me just the same. I said earlier in a previous entry and I don't ask for the struggle to get easy or be taken away, but that I will press into God...well, I want the struggle to get easier and guess what...I think it takes me, pressing into God. To fall on my face...screaming, kicking, crying, pleading, yelling, sobbing...okay, you get the picture. I came home from LW's tonight, went to the drug store, picked up my cold medicine, some vitamins and started preparing for tomorrow, leaving for 5 days to go to a conference in Illinois. I am looking forward to it, to laugh, cry, spend time alone, spend time with others. To meditate on the goodness of God and to ask him questions. It is time that I ask him. Not look to others to give me all the answers but to really ask him.

Why do I have all this head knowledge and zero heart knowledge. Somewhere in the scheme of life...the wires got severed. I took the wire cutters out of my pocket and cut them. It was better to not feel than to feel. But now I want to feel. I want to cry with passion, I want to laugh until it hurts, I want to scream until I have no voice left. I want to feel. But then I guess I do feel. I feel tempted to meet my needs in the wrong way. I feel tempted when I see a good looking guy on the street, or someone from my past. I feel tempted to think negatively and then I feel frustrated. Talking with God and asking him why.

Deep down inside, I know, I know, I know that God is in control. I see his hand in my life. I see that he is teaching me patience when I would rather have things handed to me. I see that he wants to build character in me. He wants to slowly strengthen me, so that I have a sure foundation. I see all that in my head. Now I want to see that in my heart. Because until then I am not fully connected.

So there is the journey so far. I will fill in more when I get back from this weekends trip.
Shalom.

Transparency

Merriam-Webster gives this definition on Transparent:

a : free from pretense or deceit : FRANK b : easily detected or seen through : OBVIOUS c : readily understood

Transparency reads this:

1 : the quality or state of being transparent
2 : something transparent; especially : a picture (as on film) viewed by light shining through it or by projection

I believe my life should be lived in a transparent way. If I see myself as a vessel to be used by God in my daily walk. I need to allow him to shine his light through me. My life is like a film being played. Life moves on and I find myself in a play of humanity. We are all in this film together. All searching and trying to find our way. We all have our own stories to tell. A lot of us look to God to help direct us and we put our faith in him. I want to be easily detected or seen through. I do not want there to be any pretense about me. I want to be readily understood.
God says that one day we stand in front of him and our life will flash before us and we will see every good deed as well as bad one...sound a little scary!! My only reassurance is the blood of Jesus that covers those sins, even the little wee ones that I don't think matter, so I say a big THANK YOU!!!

So what does it mean to live transparently in the every day world...work, relationships, family, church?
I think I am at the beginning stages. I still often cling to the warm fuzzy blanket of wall building and keeping myself nice and isolated. Don't let anyone in. Don't show that emotion! But, there are times when I let my guard down, maybe by accident, maybe on purpose...who knows. But I do. I don't often regret doing that as it brings me closer to others, allows them to see me as myself, and allows me to be real. Quite an accomplishment after years of self preservation. It is watching what I say. It is not going there...when I hear people gossip, it is running to God when I am at my wits end...when temptations surround me like an army...ready to kill me (okay...just wanting you to get the picture).
It is calling my accountability partner...who is doing a fine job...THANKS!!! It is allowing myself to feel. Be that anger, saddness, joy (haven't been having that a lot) and what ever comes up. Keeping it real, living my faith, knowing that as broken as I feel sometimes, there has to be some light at the end of the tunnel.

The Wounds Within

Living Waters...

Living...we are all living, breathing creatures, with any number of broken wounds in our lives. Most of us bury those wounds so the world won't see them...and better still, we won't see them. As I reflect and look inward, drawing into the corners of those rooms and closets that I have locked away, I find those wounds.
God has created us to live. He breathed life into us. We live in a fallen world and with that comes a price. Sometimes it preys heavily on people, and to some you would think nothing harsh has gripped their life. But in order to live we must look at ourselves and not others. We need to allow God in to those places we don't even allow ourselves in. God says he gives life and he give us abundant life. He wants to pour out his joy into our lives. He also wants us to embrace our wounds so he can come and enter and heal us. Be that through the help of others in the community as well as our submission to his healing love.
Waters...water is what we need to live. Without it we die. We are made up of mainly water. If we are dehydrated, we get sick. If water is contaminated we get sick. We often medicate ourselves with things that are not water and that makes us sick. There is a symbolism with water. Jesus was baptised in water. We are called to be baptised in water. Why? To symbolize the death of our old selves. So the water of God, is healing. We cry out for that water of grace and healing to enter our rooms and corners. To clean those dirty floors and wash us.
This week at Living Waters, I felt the stirring of the Lord the whole evening. I heard stories and I was moved. I felt it stir during the worship, during the teaching and afterwards. I got to my car and sobbed. I wailed, I felt the intense pain of heartache. Of a room being cleaned up. When I felt like a wall flower, really not exsisting other than to be the good son, to please others, to live a double life. To feel the lose of my childhood and my teen years. I put a song on the CD, by Dennis Jergan and he sang about the way God allows us to feel pain and when our hearts are raw and how he comes and ministers to that pain and heals our sorrow and broken hearts. I gave him the pain I felt and the sorrow. I realize this is a process. When I said in my story that I ask God now to give me the strength to face each new day and to be my strength, he was faithful yesterday with that. He embraced me yesterday and I felt a deep sense of contentment later in the evening. I felt like a content baby that was just fed. I actually felt warmer physically as well, I felt full.
I put my trust in God! I am reminded that others will fail me and that is why God wants us to trust him fully. That he will not leave me nor forsake me. He will be there for the long haul.
I decided today that I needed to put closure on the past gay relationships that I have had and so had to make a pretty tough decision. I wrote someone and told them that I could no longer communicate. It was hard because I thought I wasn't being this perfect Christian, that I was failing them in some way. Yet, I was reminded that I am not God. That God ultimately has more power and wisdom than me. He can move in mysterious ways. So I welcome him to do that. I allow him to do that as I step back and watch. Maybe that is when he moves. Maybe he needs us to move aside and allow him to take control. I believe we need to pray still, but I had to for my own health, spiritually and emotionally, step away from a potentially harmful relationship.
I trust God, and he gives me peace.
So the wounds within. I open those doors for God to come in. It may be one door at a time...as he does not give us more than what we can handle...but it is really wonderful to feel again. To those reading this, God is in control. When your life feels out of control, like a train wreck, he puts the train back on the track and take the engineers hat. Allow him to take the controls for a change and see what happens.

In my weakness I am strong

I was overwelmed with the sense of timing of todays sermon. Pastor G talked about Paul's weakness and how that made him strong. Why? Because he had to rely on God's strength and not his own. How many times in my life do I struggle to remain in control, how I try my best not to be "needy", how I battle with my sense of being alone. To what extent does this struggle help me. It eventually leads me to the breaking point...argh...I can't do it on my own. I was never meant to walk in this world alone.
1. God is here walking with me...often carrying me, but alas, he is with me...that is his truth and why fight that truth.
2. I should boast of my weakness and in that I will be made strong. That is recognizing my weakness and put my trust in God, who will supply me with all I need. I am reminded of that in terms of this past week, when I got offered a job, as well as some funds came to me via my old job. I keep praying for specifics and God keeps answering. I keep acknowledging my weaknesses to God and others and God intervenes and gives me strength. This past week, having battled a cold, I felt physically weak and with that emotionally. I put my trust in God. I admitted to him my weakness and he supplied my needs. I had peaceful sleeps and I made it through the week at work, despite hacking up a lung or two.
3. In admitting my weakness to others, they have stood faithfully beside me. I continue to do so. I continue to try to be open, even when I feel like shutting down. In the words of a friend...it is doing the opposite when thoughts come in to the mind and I want to keep replaying those thoughts over and over again. It is getting those thoughts out...talking with someone.

Last week I shared my Why I am taking Living Waters and this is what I said:

Why I am here?
For the past 30 years...give or take a few sabbaticals, I have been sexually active.
At around 8, I was sexually abused and this opened my life up to pornography, masturbation and a very active fantasy world.
Growing up in a broken Christian home, I did not have the support or knowledge to tell anyone or talk about what happened and this continued to happen to me until I was 17. My father was absent and my mother was the strong one.
I silenced myself with the pain and buried it. Everytime someone teased me at school, or when I was abused, I put that hurt away. I did not want anyone to see the shame and hurt that I felt. I thought this was happening to me because I had done something wrong and because I was different than other guys.
So I remained silent.
I would have been considered a good Christian (the good boy) by most peoples standards. I went on mission trips, went to church, sang in the church choir, did street evangelism, preached the good news of Christ's redemption. Yet, deep down, I couldn't accept it for myself. I lived a double life. Secretly going out and finding some guy to validate me as a man and this almost always ended in sex.
In the early 90's I attended a charismatic church and thought this would be different. I tried to live a life of sexual sobriety, and this would last a few months and then I would have a sexual fall.
I was put in contact with Tye at New Direction and went for counselling. I thought this would help me and I uncovered a lot of hurts from my past. I then attending my first living waters. During this time, I got engaged. I hoped that I was healed enough that we could make this work.
Soon after the engagement, I fell sexually with a guy I knew and I told her and we decided to work this out. Then a year later about 4 months before the wedding, I ended the relationship after another sexual fall. I wasn't going to put her through this again...or was it that I didn't want to go through the pain again. I took the more travelled road. I silenced myself again and basically disappeared.
Now, this took me into accepting the gay lifestyle. My attempt at the straight world didn't work and so I thrust myself into the gay lifestyle, accepting the myth that I was born this way.
2 years later, I was living in Vancouver with my partner who had pursued me for those 2 years in Winnipeg. For the most part the relationship was great. We had lots of fun, I met lots of people and things where going good. Then we started having trouble, and in my pain, I did what I knew best and I sought out casual sex to fill the pain. I again silenced myself off instead of dealing with issues in my life.
This past March I broke off my 8 year relationship with my partner. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I was disillusioned with my life, the relationship, my past and present screw ups and I knew there had to be more to life than this. Within a couple of weeks, key people spoke into my life and I knew God was calling me to something better. He was calling me out of the silence that I held so dear, yet desperately wanted freedom from.
God spoke to me in regards to my adultery and he led me to read Hosea 2
The abbreviated version reads like this
"you took away everything because of my unfaithfulness and because I forgot you...
YET...you allured me, lead me to a desert, spoke tenderly to me, gave me back the vineyards. I sing as in the days of my youth, as in the days I came out of Egypt."
So I contacted New Direction for Life in Winnipeg and within 2 months I was back in the city I fled 6 years ago. But this time coming back, grieving, physically, emotionally and spiritually in such a deep way. I had the opportunity to go to an Exodus Conference and that for me was life changing. did it change the struggle? Not really, but it encouraged me in my steps of faith. Where before I prayed that God would take the struggle away, I now pray for his strength to carry me through the very hard times ahead.
So I am here because I admit my sexual and relational brokenness and I no longer wish to remain silent.
What do I want to get out of the Living Waters program?
I want to know God's love for me, regardless of the struggle, regardless of my shortcomings and failures. I want to know him as Father and how much he accepts me. I want to know what it is like to walk out of silence and realize that I don't have to go there again. To embrace the pain and to lay it at the cross. To not be ashamed any longer but to know that through everything God is with me. I have lots of head knowledge and I want to have that transfered to my heart. In todays culture I am taking the path less traveled by taking Living Waters, I want to know what it is like to not be defined by sex, but to be defined by who I am as a man of God.

Looking back for a moment

Today, I was packing up some items as I hope to move to my own place soon. I stumbled across an old journal. Yikes, the written word of the past. Now this can usually be interesting to read through the pages of the past, yet I found myself bored with the same type of entries, until it came to one that struck me.
It reads as this:
My dreams have been the same. Christian dreams, church dreams. Dreams of family members, churches, God, family, old pastors. I am confused at times with what to do. Why am I dreaming such dreams. At times I'd like to date women but I am in love with .......! Sometimes I feel we are just roommates sharing the same bed. I feel no passion. I really can't say anything about it. No clue why. Am I to learn something in this long period of passionless love making. I feel something is missing. I'd rather at times have children rather than cats. Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones. Parts of this may come to reality, yet know of what eventually I need to do before it's too late.

I read then an entry about one year later and two weeks after I broke off my relationship with my gay partner. It goes like this:

I made a decision now to think it through. It is actually a calling. It will be difficult but I know it will also be wonderful, freeing in a sense.
I re-read my journals and the underlying score was I was missing out. I was living life with a missing link. One that I knew was missing yet suppressed it. I need my family right now. I need them around me. The familiar. The strength of their strength. The weakness of their weakness. I need to research my options there. I need God to open doors for me in terms of jobs. I need to find a career that I am gifted in. Everything seems clearer today. More peace. A bigger understanding of the goal set before me.

So looking back can bring some clarification sometimes on what we are going through at the time. It brings to mind answers to what we experience and how we handle situations. A year or two ago, I wasn't ready to end the relationship, even though I knew it wasn't going well. Even when I knew I was searching for more to life. Even though I searched for meaning through unhealthy means. Thinking now at this moment, I am thankful for the faithfullness of God. He knew the right timing. He knew. He knows my comings and goings, when I sit and when I stand...so then why would he not know my mind, and when I was ready to accept his calling. When I was running in the wilderness in the darkness of despair and he spoke and called me, shining in his light for me to see clearly. He knew. He knew. So looking back can be good. I am now looking forward. Taking one day at a time. Writing about my experiences along this journey and one day I will look back at these writings and hopefully stand amazed at the hand of God.

First week of LW's

So it has been a week that I have been doing the Living Waters course. We were told that spiritually the warfare might be great, colds could come on, depression, anything that could try and stop us from coming to class. Well, wouldn't you know it, I get a huge cold. Hard time breathing and coughing up my lungs! Argh! That and the fact that I do not have benefits at work, no sick days and today, I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I had not slept the night before, tossing and turning. I get very emotional when I am sick and so tears come easily. Also, it has reminded me of my ex partner, who used to take care of me when I was sick and I have had to fight those memories as well. It is funny how this has all come up this week. It has made me aware again, at how I need to put my trust and faith in God. Who strengthens me, heals me and provides for my every need. I need to take care of myself better and get more sleep and exercise as well.
So if I have to, I will crawl to Living Waters tomorrow. Each of us has to give a talk tomorrow of why we are there, and what we expect to get out of the program. That excites me while giving me some fear of speaking in front of the group, the very essence of my brokenness. Well, it is soup time, then go to a medical clinic and see if this is just a cold. Then back in bed. Thanks to those who graciously pray for me. Blessings to you!

Living Waters...beginning

It has been awhile since I previously posted. Lots of stuff, keep me from entering what could be challenging for people to read.
August and September have been interesting. Keeping busy with life...trying to keep my head above the waters and spending tons of time with family and friends.
Today marked the first Living Waters class. I am taking an indepth course on sexual and relational issues. I am excited and scared all at the same time. What will come up out of this for me on my pathway to healing? Knowing only that God is in control and a constant companion is enough for me right now.
Have had lots of moments of "what have I done?", "it would be easier to just take the more travelled path", "maybe my ex partner is right!". Then I think of the amazing encounter with God, the work that he has already started in me, and the promise of a healthier future. Family continues to be a blessing, as well as some very good and faithful friends who understand the pain I feel. It has been 6 months since I ended my relationship with my ex partner. There are times of overwelming grief, and then there are times when I don't think about it. Continuing the journey and holding on to Jesus is pretty much all I can do.
I think I have found the church that I want to attend. It is not in the area that I had hoped, but the worship and teaching is great...now, I just need to know about their community...and the support that they offer.
Having not worked for 4 months in the summer has depleted the stockroom, and so any work that I get I am thankful for. Anyone know of a wealthy person...who gives to charity!?!
I hopefully move to the transition house that I will be houseparent for. I got offered a position to look after a 6 room, rooming house and in turn I get a one bedroom suite for reduced rent....praise God! My gardening experience will come in handy as did my painting. The place is looking great. Now, I just need furniture and a computer to help with my studies at University. My plate is full, and I am thankful for everything.
So Living Waters began today and it was everything I thought it would be. Next week, we have to share why we are there, and where we are coming from. Whew...something that I have wanted to do and just don't know what to say. I want to go deep, but we have to keep it brief. I look forward to this opportunity.
So I will keep you all informed of what is going on for me and probably ask for prayer requests from time to time.
Any revelations will be posted.
Revelation....today....that God is always there. I can screw up royally and God still is there. That won't ever change. He is faithful, when I am not. He keeps reminding me of that. I found it pretty amazing last week that God allows me to be in a place of needing him for a reason. That I turn myself/face toward him and rely on him, instead of doing it all in my own strength. I continue to ask for his assistance to get out of debt and for my daily needs to be met, so I can fully be of service to him. We are limited when we are in debt! So he reminds me to tithe, to give freely beyond that and to see what happens! I await what he has in store for me.
Blessings to those who read these simple meanderings.