Into the New...out with the Old

This I call to mind

and therefore I have hope;

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:21-23

So into the New. As I prepare to enter into 2006, I am prone to look back at 2005. With memories of a whirlwind direction change, both in my spiritual life as well as physical location.
I began the year quietly, with my now ex partner. Hoping for a better year ahead. 2004 was rocky with lots on our plate...new house, renovations, lots of cats/kittens and cat shows to go to. Top that all off, we had begun to distance ourselves from each other.
So by the time March of 2005 had sprung up...I had decided to end our relationship. Miserable is the key word here. I felt miserable before hand then extra miserable after. Second guessing what I had done. Trying to move forward.
Then God caught me off guard. He snuck in like a loving Father and a faithful friend. Who would have thought! Not I, nor any of my friends and especially not my ex partner.
My wilderness conversion experience was what God intended. He waited. I accepted.
So within a month, I was moving back to Winnipeg. Gave up my job, said goodbye to friends for the past 6 years and left. Transition is hard. Very hard.
I moved back and lived with my family for a while. Trying hard to cope with all the newness of this situation. Feeling a loss of everything, yet I had gained so much more in the realization of who God is to me.
So now looking back at those past 8 months of being home. It has not been all rosy. I have had some tough times. Miserable times. But in looking at those miserable times, I look at it with fresh eyes. Before I would have not felt guilty of acting out sexually or even felt bad. Now I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit so evident in my life. Hard as that feels, it means that I am slowly being refined and told..."hey, love ya, that just ain't so good for you."
So what do I think of 2006? Who knows? I know that God has ordained my days. He has a plan to prosper me and to lift me out of my saddness and grief. He is strengthening me day by day. He is showing me that He loves me no matter what state I am in. That when I fail, He lifts me up and dusts me off. He continues to ask me to be open and talk about my failures...and reminds me of what it was like when I was not open...and the 8 years away from Him. In continuing to be open and honest, I am increasingly more aware of the pain and hurt that is still buried so deep within. That no matter what I do, God wants in to all areas. That nothing can seperate me from the love of Christ Jesus...even my own misconceptions, even my quietness, even my pain. So out with the old. As easy as that is to say here on the computer pad...it is still increasingly more difficult to verbalize thoughts and pain that have been racing in my mind for years.

2 Corithians 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

I need to be reminded of that verse as I enter the new year. No matter the situation, God has compassion on me (us)...and as he showers me(us) with that compassion, that I(we) shower that to others who are having a hard time.

Blessings to a bright and beautiful 2006

Practising the Presence of God

"Finally, brethren,
whatsoever things are true,
whatsoever things are honorable,
whatsoever things are pure,
whatsoever things are lovely,
whatsoever things are of good report;
if there be any virtue and if there be any praise,
think on these things."
Phil 4:8

I have been really struggling with my mind and my emotions. Trying to stay focused, yet realizing my failures in my attempts to remain in focus.
If you read that sentence, there is a strong sense of "I" and "my".
My attempts...my failures, I have been struggling.
This week in my study for LW, it became increasingly clear to practise the presence of God.
How in the world to I practice that I thought. I like to keep busy, I like to do things that occupy my time, so that I do not think of anything...especially the struggle that wages war in my mind and in my desires.
Yes, I continue to bring things into the light and to surround myself with people who are committed in being my support. Yet, there is something lacking.
Today, as I was re-reading the lesson...I had a few "lightbulb moments".
One was very clear to me. It said that there is a part of me that will never be fully satisfied until I reach glory. That I can have the most intimate relationship here on earth, yet I will long with a deep ache for what is to come.
This brings me to my previous struggle with the question..."how come I can have a great time in worship and fellowship and yet still fall sexuall?" BINGO!
There is that vaccum inside of me that needs more, yet won't fully be filled until I reach heaven. Till I stand in the presence of the Almighty God and I will be filled to completion.
Second one, that I need to be still and quiet in the presence of God. To wait for Him.....and get this...all I have to do is "just be".
What? I do not have to do anything apart from just "being"?
So I practiced that today. I am stressed out because I have an exam this week, I am stressed about finances, stressed about this whole process of change, missing being with someone, knowing this Christmas could be so very, very hard for numerous reasons. Realizing that I ended a relationship because I had to...because it was not God's will for me...and that is hard, especially this time of year. Trying to stay positive. Trying to stay focused.
So I turned on some music...and kneeled. Hands stretched out...waiting. I did not have to wait long until I was laying on the floor, wailing for no reason....yet there was a reason. Floods of images came into my head. Floods of words. Images of being alone as a teenager. Images of me stepping into sin, images of me going against what God had intended for me. Feeling the overwelming sense of sorrow...for the sin I have done against God. Then the overwelming sense of Love that God has for me. I cried for Him to just hold me. Then there I was kneeling again, this time with outstretched hand and the warmth of his embrace...okay...can't explain it...it just happened. Then just basking in that for a long time. Tears of healing. I felt as if God was crying too. Crying for the pain and the sorrow that I felt, yet, telling me He will never leave me.
So, practising the presence. Practising to be still and quiet, when life seems out of control, when temptation is at every doorway. Practising when the desires within get overwelming.
I still acknowledge the importance of calling someone and letting them know if things get tough, but for me today, this is what my spirit needed.
So I go now to LW, open to hear more. Open to put things at the cross. Waiting with anticipation to see how this all unfolds before me.
Thanks to all of you who continue to support me in your prayers. I am praying for specifics at this time...where God wants me? I need His direction...not mine. I need to get out of debt, so I can be able to be more free in where God wants me to be.
Bless you!

Confession and Community

If we claim then to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son Purifies us from all sin.
If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:6-9

So what does that mean.
For me I have been opening myself up with a small group of guys. It is hard. So very hard to admit my failures and sin. Yet, I know the importance in doing this. It means that I am willing, even though it is so hard, to be in the light. If I am to understand this scripture and if I am to look back at my past, I am reminded that walking in the dark did me no good. When I closed myself off to those that cared about me...it sent me further into the dark and led me to live away from everyone for 8 years. I tried to walk in goodness and yet, I was living in the dark. Not willing to admit my sin...because I did not see that it was sin.
Realizing the importance of this aspect in life has become key for me. Is it easy or getting easier? A little bit. It is easier now to talk more about how I am doing. How I am feeling in regards to my relationship with God and what I desire.
I have had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I desire more. I want passion. I want the passion of the Holy Spirit to dwell in my. I want to have this incredible relationship with God that is so intense and amazing that it encompasses my every relationship and every part of my.
I have so much to learn.
My prayer this week has been that God would realign my spirit and will. That he would encompass me...that I would experience this passion that I long for.
I am struggling with living alone. I love it, yet it is lonely. I was thinking today as I walked to the University that I so loved having someone in the house with me...even though we did not do everything together. There was this security.
I realize that I am part of a community that loves me. I have some very dear friends who have adopted me into their family. I see them interact and am in awe. Yes, they have problems but they are so open with their feelings and express them to one another. Wow, to have that.
I started this blog to be transparent. I pray that I will continue to be that. That I continue to be that here on my site as well as with those that I have relationships with. My coworkers, my family, my friends.
Life is too short to not be transparent. Why do we hold on to the hurts and sorrows? Why do we not go to those that have hurt us or who we have hurt?
Being human is sometimes not all that fun...but we have the cross, the amazing cross infront of us. It gives us grace...and now we need to walk in that grace to walk in relation with other people.

The Cross before me

Where to begin with the image of the cross so burned into my image.
Yesterday was another living waters evening. I went knowing that I would again have to confess a failure. How my heart was pumping and even though I knew that this would be a safe place, I still felt the constraint to maybe not mention anything. I went against what I was feeling and opened myself up.
This weeks lesson was really on the "will" of God as well as our own "will". I went into the evening wanting to really have my will line up to God's. How I often have such a weak will. That I don't stand firm when I should.
So at the end of the lesson, we prayed a prayer and someone sprinkled water on us. Then someone said that if anyone wanted to come to the front...there is a cross there, that we could come to symbolize the laying of our will at the foot of the cross. I am not one to go up. But I felt this spring in my chair and then there I was at the foot of the cross. Kneeling there I gave to Christ my will. My feeble attempt to try and do things on my own. You would think by now I would know better. Realizing again the magnitude of my decision to leave the gay lifestyle and the magnitude of leaving my ex partner. Realizing the importance of the cross. To have it in my vision as I face each new challenge everyday.
Two weeks ago, I went swimming with my student that I work with. Before going in the pool, I took off my cross that I wear. I can't for the life of me find it. I have searched for 2 weeks in pockets and it is no where. Wearing the cross for me has been a constant reminder of what Christ did for me. So not wearing one has been hard. I have found this week especially that I sometimes am reaching to my neck and there is nothing there and so I pray. I pray for the continued reminder of the importance of the cross. That I can lay everything there. That God gave the greatest sacrifice for me....for me! If I was the only person alive it would have still been done for me. To understand that...well, it challenges me. It challenges me to move forward. It challenges me not to give up. When I am overwhelmed with memories and thoughts or failures, I can say that I won't give in. I will not move backward. I see the cross as the ultimate gift.
So as I journey onward, I pray always to be reminded of the cross before me.

I read a letter from a friend who has been called to start up a church in a pretty affluent area in Vancouver. I read a letter from someone who was negative toward their letter that they sent out to thousands of people in the neighborhood. Having worked in the area I know the people. Most of the people have degrees...Have studied and are rather wealthy.
So for them to realize there is something "more" to life is hard. For they have the funds to medicate their loneliness and they have the intellect to tell them that believing in God is futile and only for the uneducated who need that crutch. He was even likened to the United States Right Wing Christian Movement.

I was quite saddened really after reading the letter. Part of me understood the person writing. If I had been given that letter a year or two ago, I too would have probably responded in a similar way. That saddened me. It also made me thankful that I am not there anymore. That through my journey...God rescued me. He became evident in my life and I came to realize that there was more to life than just working, eating, breathing and going to the best restaurants or the latest art openings. He wanted me to know there was more to life than just medicating the problems. So my heart goes out to the people in that area. I have been there. The cross was no where close to my vision...Yet reminders where given constantly. That is how good and gracious my God is. I hope and pray that others will see the true need that their spirit cries out for. It is not saying no to education or wealth. But it is realizing the cross before them. That there is a gift more precious than gold or silver....more precious than any intelligent conversation that you can have and with it...it will change your life.

cabin

Went to the cabin this weekend.

I bid bye bye to the cats and went on my way.
It was hard leaving them alone for just one night. I tried not to worry. But I do live in the West End...for those who don't know Winnipeg, this area of town has a fair bit of crime. I am not overly worried. I pray a protection around the house and trust that everything will be alright. It is actually a great place to be in. You do not take for granted anything.

I picked up my brother and we picked up the all important coffee and headed up to The Narrows. We got there and went to work. It was great to sweat a bit and see some progress made on my dad and his wife's cabin. Then we ate steak and talked until the wee hours...well, I jammed around 1030 as I was exhausted.

We talked about faith, life, community and then I was asked if I was happy. Was I really happy?
I said yes. I did add however the aspect of change. With change there comes a time of sorrow and grieving. I was asked...one minute I am living in BC and am gay and now I am saying that I wasn't even gay to begin with. I can see the confusion and the questioning. Understanding Same sex gender issues is eye opening. It has been for me. To understand my legitimate needs in terms of connecting with men. But how that was twisted to be sexual. How it was never met to have been like that.
So while the 3 of us talked, I felt for one of the first times a feeling like I was one of the "guys". It was good!

I am reminded of a passage in Romans
Romans 8:25
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Hoping for restoration. Hoping for wholeness. Understanding my weakness and realizing the Spirit helps me in my weakness. I talked about speaking in tongues with my the guys and I explained a situation when I was in Langley and was breaking up with my ex and sometimes all I could do was groan and moan and somehow, I knew I was communing with God. I had no words to express how I was feeling, yet the groans and moans where interpreted by the spirit. If you read on in Romans, you will find that explaination.
So I hope in many things and wait patiently. Knowing that I have a far bigger God that I can ever imagine, who loves me far more than I can comprehend.

Again...Lord?

It has been a while since I have posted. I needed a break. Not because I did not want to post. I did. But there was this feeling that said wait. Wait a minute...take a breath.
I think it interesting that I can't sleep and it is snowing and it is just white all around. Quite beautiful actually. The snow covers up the dirt, it covers up the garbage and makes things look fresh. I live in a pretty rough/tough area of town. So looking outside now, everything looks peaceful and serene. The trees are blanketed with fresh snow and the ground is covered.
I feel like I should write tonight.

Last week was a rough start. I did not focus. I faultered and wondered why?
I asked why?
Why God?
Why was I not stronger or more capable of saying no?
Am I supposed to learn something here?

I have become increasingly more aware of my failings, as well, I have become increasingly more aware of when I call out. When I take steps that lead me closer to God instead of farther away.
So when I ask 'why God', it is leading me closer to him. I would never have pondered that question upon him, yet I feel like I can now. I want to hear from him more and more...and in doing so, he renews my mind. He takes the patterns that are ever present and starts making new ones. YIPEE!
My brother told me to read Galations 5. Freedom in Christ.
This is what I heard while reading....
1...stand firm
2...have faith in Christ and have hope
3...serve one another in love. Love your neighbour as yourself...but you first have to love yourself.

So do I love myself?
As a christian, I have always thought, "I cannot love myself, that means I am self centered. Not really. Do I treat myself with respect? Do I act as though my body is a temple?
Then we have the ever present sinful nature. This is because we live in a sinful and fallen world. While reading the list I am reminded of my sinful nature...
sexual immorality,
impurity, debauchery
idolatry, witchcraft
hatred, discord, jealous fits of rage
self ambition, dissensions, factions and envy
drunkenness, orgies and the like.
Read how each of the words on each line go together.

But because I am washed clean and the blood of Christ covers me, I now take up the fruit of the spirit....
Love, joy
peace, patience
kindness, goodness
faithfulness, gentleness
self control.

Despite living in this fallen world I need to heed to the fruits of the spirit. As I go about my day, do I live in love and joy. Is the spirit evident for others to see...and they see that by the fruits of the spirit.

It is almost a week since beginning this post. It has become ever more clear for me that living in community is the way to go. As I live alone, I wonder...how is this living in community? My week should be built on that and living alone means it is more important than ever to make those social connections. Having moved back from BC this year and now having to "start over", make new friends and reconnect with family...it is hard. I have lived for so long busy with life. Working, driving, looking after cats and sleeping. So now I have to push myself to get out there. That is a wee bit scary...but for me it is important.

I made a meal for a family that I know. There is 5 of them. When I invited them, they asked if I knew what I was getting in to with having them all over. I LOVED it. For me cooking and breaking the bread is something that is so important to our community living aspect. I hope to do more of that in the coming year.

laying things bare

Okay, okay...God I get it!
Painful as it is...I know this is real. I have a conscience. I have the spirit inside of me which convicts me of sin. So what do I do about it? Remembering what I did years ago and where that took me, shakes me into reality.
I quickly submit to God, to those who love and suport me who walk with me, showing me Jesus.
Realizing the wonderful aspect of being a body of believers who are real. Who understand their failings and who accept their brokenness.
I was asked a very thought provoking question this week, after sharing some tough issues that I have faced this past week.
"does it feel like you have been white knuckling it in regards to staying sexually sober?"
Ah....and when that fails where does that leave your resolve?
It made me think of how I face my struggle and my sin. How I face my fears and my shortcomings. Do I really give it all to God? or do I try my best to hold out until I fall?
I hope it is not the later, but sadly enough it is.
So I ask God again...tear my heart....tear it to pieces...and then rebuild. Again, it is a heart issue that I am dealing with. Something that I am not familiar with, but one that I want to embrace.
I am learning what it means to be a man. A brave one at that. Not trying to boast or be proud, because I am very broken and fully embrace God as my strength, especially in my weakness. But I am understanding bit by bit, what it means to be a man. A man who recogonizes his shortcomings and runs for helpt. I remember years ago, if I had a sexual fall, I would more than likely not talk about it and keep it hidden. But now I run for help...maybe not the same day, but a day later is pretty good.
So laying things bare....laying my life bare.

i was reading my poetry book and was struck at an entry in 1997. now this was the year I walked away from my faith and this is what it looked like!

Wandering
legs aching
head spinning
watching
looking
wondering.
Thoughts race
heart pounds
feet move faster
chosen
embraced
caressed
loved...?
for a moment.
used
wasted
tired
dead.
kpw97

How life has changed since. For those reading...or interested in reading...I want to leave you with one piece of advice from one broken down vessel, who is being mended daily....be open! As hard as it is and as horrific it might feel, open your life up. Sure it might feel painful, but in the end, the joy you will feel is life changing. I will continue to open myself up...be quick to confess, and to reach out before it is too late.
Thanks to those who are my supports, mentors and friends....I love you all.

I can do all things...through Christ who strengthens me.

I was reminded of this verse this weekend as I sat in a field of color.
There was a group of us...5 in total that travelled to Oregon Ill, to attend an Exodus Conference. If you ever get a chance to go, GO! Especially in autumn, when the leaves are turning color. It was an awesome experience, just looking at the scenery.
But for me this wasn't the only thing that I felt in awe about. Here I am, 6 months out of a gay relationship. On a quest for holiness, knowing that I can do nothing without Christ who strengthens me. That I am utterly broken without him. I sat listening to people speak on Hope and restoration. That God pours out hope for this journey ahead. The question that was asked of us, was what did we get out of this weekend? For me, I was in tears most of the time. Both speakers, ministered to me in similiar ways. Both offered words of hope. That we are not alone in this journey or struggle. That we have others that are praying for us and encouraging us. That our focus should be on Jesus and having an intimate relationship with him. To base my healing on how straight I am or if I get married is nonesense. My healing is based on my relationship with Jesus. The desire to have that passionate relationship with him first and foremost is evident...it is what I desire. To lay my agenda down and just be wanting more and more of the Holy Spirit in my life. I felt "normal" at the retreat. I felt like I fit in and was comfortable. I had an amazing time with the 4 others from Winnipeg, who encouraged me and blessed me more than they know. The other people that I connected with down there too, I felt like I could be myself and let my hair down...this is in regards to Karaoke singing...okay singing Dead or Alive at the top of my lungs, pretty intense for me and I could have sung all night. The worship, sharing, messages were intimate.
So what did I get from the weekend? I got the chance to get better aquainted with the 4 other people in a wonderful way, tons of laughter and some tears. I got to know other people from the states who have incredible hearts and stories of redemption and hope. If you would have told me 6 months ago, that I would experience 2 Exodus Conferences and start placing my trust in God in a real way, I would have laughed at you. But, I am loving my life. I am loving the way God is orchestrating it. I love watching it unfold sometimes and I just become more thankful. It is still hard...hard facing issues that come up. Hard to face the realities of the struggle, but I am willing to do that. Before I would have closed off certain doors, due to pain that I did not want to face. Now, it is time to face them. Knowing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I was asked if I could read the last supper at the communion service on Sunday. It was a stretch for me. I usually do not like speaking in front of people, so I prayed hard. I asked God to take away the fear as well as take away my motives and agenda and that I would be an empty vessel, being used by God. It went okay. This is pretty much the first time speaking scripture out loud...and I hope to do more of it. So that speaking in front of people will come easier. God gave me strength to do it.
I travelled home from Living Waters today, not all that happy, yet not all that sad. I was tired and so my sharing was pretty unemotional. I felt though the presence of the Holy Spirit, and knew that I was being faithful in my sharing. The Holy Spirit showed me 2 pictures while the leaders prayed over me. One was a stream and my sin was being thrown into it and it was moving far away. Then I had a picture of a hallway in a castle and the secret doors were being opened and dust flying out. OOOOH! I could get scared here and close those doors, but it felt really good for them to open. It is what I have wanted to happen. So I will meditate on that this week.
So, I look forward in giving my everything to this journey. God is good, even when it hurts. There are good people around me that show me their hearts and tell me I am not alone...I am greatful to them.
Today, I feel like a man.

...on a side note, I had my best golf game ever...while in Oregon Ill. Thanks to the wonderful caddy and the two other golfers. Thanks too for the cheerleaders at the 9th hole. You all rock my world!

Why?

Okay, I am learning to ask God why! I am learning to ask him a lot of things...and realizing that it is okay for me to do so. To dialogue with God. That he is not just some airy, misty, magical being...but actually someone I can talk to and really talk to.
This week I asked God why. Why is this struggle so intense? Why do I feel this battle all the time? Why does it have to be so hard? I layed it on the line...either give me some reassurance that this gets better and that I will feel some type of joy in the midst of this...or just take me home...because it would probably feel better in heaven. Then I thought...what am I saying? I can't say this to God! Yet, why not!

God already knows what I am thinking. (pause) and he still loves me just the same. I said earlier in a previous entry and I don't ask for the struggle to get easy or be taken away, but that I will press into God...well, I want the struggle to get easier and guess what...I think it takes me, pressing into God. To fall on my face...screaming, kicking, crying, pleading, yelling, sobbing...okay, you get the picture. I came home from LW's tonight, went to the drug store, picked up my cold medicine, some vitamins and started preparing for tomorrow, leaving for 5 days to go to a conference in Illinois. I am looking forward to it, to laugh, cry, spend time alone, spend time with others. To meditate on the goodness of God and to ask him questions. It is time that I ask him. Not look to others to give me all the answers but to really ask him.

Why do I have all this head knowledge and zero heart knowledge. Somewhere in the scheme of life...the wires got severed. I took the wire cutters out of my pocket and cut them. It was better to not feel than to feel. But now I want to feel. I want to cry with passion, I want to laugh until it hurts, I want to scream until I have no voice left. I want to feel. But then I guess I do feel. I feel tempted to meet my needs in the wrong way. I feel tempted when I see a good looking guy on the street, or someone from my past. I feel tempted to think negatively and then I feel frustrated. Talking with God and asking him why.

Deep down inside, I know, I know, I know that God is in control. I see his hand in my life. I see that he is teaching me patience when I would rather have things handed to me. I see that he wants to build character in me. He wants to slowly strengthen me, so that I have a sure foundation. I see all that in my head. Now I want to see that in my heart. Because until then I am not fully connected.

So there is the journey so far. I will fill in more when I get back from this weekends trip.
Shalom.

Transparency

Merriam-Webster gives this definition on Transparent:

a : free from pretense or deceit : FRANK b : easily detected or seen through : OBVIOUS c : readily understood

Transparency reads this:

1 : the quality or state of being transparent
2 : something transparent; especially : a picture (as on film) viewed by light shining through it or by projection

I believe my life should be lived in a transparent way. If I see myself as a vessel to be used by God in my daily walk. I need to allow him to shine his light through me. My life is like a film being played. Life moves on and I find myself in a play of humanity. We are all in this film together. All searching and trying to find our way. We all have our own stories to tell. A lot of us look to God to help direct us and we put our faith in him. I want to be easily detected or seen through. I do not want there to be any pretense about me. I want to be readily understood.
God says that one day we stand in front of him and our life will flash before us and we will see every good deed as well as bad one...sound a little scary!! My only reassurance is the blood of Jesus that covers those sins, even the little wee ones that I don't think matter, so I say a big THANK YOU!!!

So what does it mean to live transparently in the every day world...work, relationships, family, church?
I think I am at the beginning stages. I still often cling to the warm fuzzy blanket of wall building and keeping myself nice and isolated. Don't let anyone in. Don't show that emotion! But, there are times when I let my guard down, maybe by accident, maybe on purpose...who knows. But I do. I don't often regret doing that as it brings me closer to others, allows them to see me as myself, and allows me to be real. Quite an accomplishment after years of self preservation. It is watching what I say. It is not going there...when I hear people gossip, it is running to God when I am at my wits end...when temptations surround me like an army...ready to kill me (okay...just wanting you to get the picture).
It is calling my accountability partner...who is doing a fine job...THANKS!!! It is allowing myself to feel. Be that anger, saddness, joy (haven't been having that a lot) and what ever comes up. Keeping it real, living my faith, knowing that as broken as I feel sometimes, there has to be some light at the end of the tunnel.

The Wounds Within

Living Waters...

Living...we are all living, breathing creatures, with any number of broken wounds in our lives. Most of us bury those wounds so the world won't see them...and better still, we won't see them. As I reflect and look inward, drawing into the corners of those rooms and closets that I have locked away, I find those wounds.
God has created us to live. He breathed life into us. We live in a fallen world and with that comes a price. Sometimes it preys heavily on people, and to some you would think nothing harsh has gripped their life. But in order to live we must look at ourselves and not others. We need to allow God in to those places we don't even allow ourselves in. God says he gives life and he give us abundant life. He wants to pour out his joy into our lives. He also wants us to embrace our wounds so he can come and enter and heal us. Be that through the help of others in the community as well as our submission to his healing love.
Waters...water is what we need to live. Without it we die. We are made up of mainly water. If we are dehydrated, we get sick. If water is contaminated we get sick. We often medicate ourselves with things that are not water and that makes us sick. There is a symbolism with water. Jesus was baptised in water. We are called to be baptised in water. Why? To symbolize the death of our old selves. So the water of God, is healing. We cry out for that water of grace and healing to enter our rooms and corners. To clean those dirty floors and wash us.
This week at Living Waters, I felt the stirring of the Lord the whole evening. I heard stories and I was moved. I felt it stir during the worship, during the teaching and afterwards. I got to my car and sobbed. I wailed, I felt the intense pain of heartache. Of a room being cleaned up. When I felt like a wall flower, really not exsisting other than to be the good son, to please others, to live a double life. To feel the lose of my childhood and my teen years. I put a song on the CD, by Dennis Jergan and he sang about the way God allows us to feel pain and when our hearts are raw and how he comes and ministers to that pain and heals our sorrow and broken hearts. I gave him the pain I felt and the sorrow. I realize this is a process. When I said in my story that I ask God now to give me the strength to face each new day and to be my strength, he was faithful yesterday with that. He embraced me yesterday and I felt a deep sense of contentment later in the evening. I felt like a content baby that was just fed. I actually felt warmer physically as well, I felt full.
I put my trust in God! I am reminded that others will fail me and that is why God wants us to trust him fully. That he will not leave me nor forsake me. He will be there for the long haul.
I decided today that I needed to put closure on the past gay relationships that I have had and so had to make a pretty tough decision. I wrote someone and told them that I could no longer communicate. It was hard because I thought I wasn't being this perfect Christian, that I was failing them in some way. Yet, I was reminded that I am not God. That God ultimately has more power and wisdom than me. He can move in mysterious ways. So I welcome him to do that. I allow him to do that as I step back and watch. Maybe that is when he moves. Maybe he needs us to move aside and allow him to take control. I believe we need to pray still, but I had to for my own health, spiritually and emotionally, step away from a potentially harmful relationship.
I trust God, and he gives me peace.
So the wounds within. I open those doors for God to come in. It may be one door at a time...as he does not give us more than what we can handle...but it is really wonderful to feel again. To those reading this, God is in control. When your life feels out of control, like a train wreck, he puts the train back on the track and take the engineers hat. Allow him to take the controls for a change and see what happens.

In my weakness I am strong

I was overwelmed with the sense of timing of todays sermon. Pastor G talked about Paul's weakness and how that made him strong. Why? Because he had to rely on God's strength and not his own. How many times in my life do I struggle to remain in control, how I try my best not to be "needy", how I battle with my sense of being alone. To what extent does this struggle help me. It eventually leads me to the breaking point...argh...I can't do it on my own. I was never meant to walk in this world alone.
1. God is here walking with me...often carrying me, but alas, he is with me...that is his truth and why fight that truth.
2. I should boast of my weakness and in that I will be made strong. That is recognizing my weakness and put my trust in God, who will supply me with all I need. I am reminded of that in terms of this past week, when I got offered a job, as well as some funds came to me via my old job. I keep praying for specifics and God keeps answering. I keep acknowledging my weaknesses to God and others and God intervenes and gives me strength. This past week, having battled a cold, I felt physically weak and with that emotionally. I put my trust in God. I admitted to him my weakness and he supplied my needs. I had peaceful sleeps and I made it through the week at work, despite hacking up a lung or two.
3. In admitting my weakness to others, they have stood faithfully beside me. I continue to do so. I continue to try to be open, even when I feel like shutting down. In the words of a friend...it is doing the opposite when thoughts come in to the mind and I want to keep replaying those thoughts over and over again. It is getting those thoughts out...talking with someone.

Last week I shared my Why I am taking Living Waters and this is what I said:

Why I am here?
For the past 30 years...give or take a few sabbaticals, I have been sexually active.
At around 8, I was sexually abused and this opened my life up to pornography, masturbation and a very active fantasy world.
Growing up in a broken Christian home, I did not have the support or knowledge to tell anyone or talk about what happened and this continued to happen to me until I was 17. My father was absent and my mother was the strong one.
I silenced myself with the pain and buried it. Everytime someone teased me at school, or when I was abused, I put that hurt away. I did not want anyone to see the shame and hurt that I felt. I thought this was happening to me because I had done something wrong and because I was different than other guys.
So I remained silent.
I would have been considered a good Christian (the good boy) by most peoples standards. I went on mission trips, went to church, sang in the church choir, did street evangelism, preached the good news of Christ's redemption. Yet, deep down, I couldn't accept it for myself. I lived a double life. Secretly going out and finding some guy to validate me as a man and this almost always ended in sex.
In the early 90's I attended a charismatic church and thought this would be different. I tried to live a life of sexual sobriety, and this would last a few months and then I would have a sexual fall.
I was put in contact with Tye at New Direction and went for counselling. I thought this would help me and I uncovered a lot of hurts from my past. I then attending my first living waters. During this time, I got engaged. I hoped that I was healed enough that we could make this work.
Soon after the engagement, I fell sexually with a guy I knew and I told her and we decided to work this out. Then a year later about 4 months before the wedding, I ended the relationship after another sexual fall. I wasn't going to put her through this again...or was it that I didn't want to go through the pain again. I took the more travelled road. I silenced myself again and basically disappeared.
Now, this took me into accepting the gay lifestyle. My attempt at the straight world didn't work and so I thrust myself into the gay lifestyle, accepting the myth that I was born this way.
2 years later, I was living in Vancouver with my partner who had pursued me for those 2 years in Winnipeg. For the most part the relationship was great. We had lots of fun, I met lots of people and things where going good. Then we started having trouble, and in my pain, I did what I knew best and I sought out casual sex to fill the pain. I again silenced myself off instead of dealing with issues in my life.
This past March I broke off my 8 year relationship with my partner. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I was disillusioned with my life, the relationship, my past and present screw ups and I knew there had to be more to life than this. Within a couple of weeks, key people spoke into my life and I knew God was calling me to something better. He was calling me out of the silence that I held so dear, yet desperately wanted freedom from.
God spoke to me in regards to my adultery and he led me to read Hosea 2
The abbreviated version reads like this
"you took away everything because of my unfaithfulness and because I forgot you...
YET...you allured me, lead me to a desert, spoke tenderly to me, gave me back the vineyards. I sing as in the days of my youth, as in the days I came out of Egypt."
So I contacted New Direction for Life in Winnipeg and within 2 months I was back in the city I fled 6 years ago. But this time coming back, grieving, physically, emotionally and spiritually in such a deep way. I had the opportunity to go to an Exodus Conference and that for me was life changing. did it change the struggle? Not really, but it encouraged me in my steps of faith. Where before I prayed that God would take the struggle away, I now pray for his strength to carry me through the very hard times ahead.
So I am here because I admit my sexual and relational brokenness and I no longer wish to remain silent.
What do I want to get out of the Living Waters program?
I want to know God's love for me, regardless of the struggle, regardless of my shortcomings and failures. I want to know him as Father and how much he accepts me. I want to know what it is like to walk out of silence and realize that I don't have to go there again. To embrace the pain and to lay it at the cross. To not be ashamed any longer but to know that through everything God is with me. I have lots of head knowledge and I want to have that transfered to my heart. In todays culture I am taking the path less traveled by taking Living Waters, I want to know what it is like to not be defined by sex, but to be defined by who I am as a man of God.

Looking back for a moment

Today, I was packing up some items as I hope to move to my own place soon. I stumbled across an old journal. Yikes, the written word of the past. Now this can usually be interesting to read through the pages of the past, yet I found myself bored with the same type of entries, until it came to one that struck me.
It reads as this:
My dreams have been the same. Christian dreams, church dreams. Dreams of family members, churches, God, family, old pastors. I am confused at times with what to do. Why am I dreaming such dreams. At times I'd like to date women but I am in love with .......! Sometimes I feel we are just roommates sharing the same bed. I feel no passion. I really can't say anything about it. No clue why. Am I to learn something in this long period of passionless love making. I feel something is missing. I'd rather at times have children rather than cats. Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones. Parts of this may come to reality, yet know of what eventually I need to do before it's too late.

I read then an entry about one year later and two weeks after I broke off my relationship with my gay partner. It goes like this:

I made a decision now to think it through. It is actually a calling. It will be difficult but I know it will also be wonderful, freeing in a sense.
I re-read my journals and the underlying score was I was missing out. I was living life with a missing link. One that I knew was missing yet suppressed it. I need my family right now. I need them around me. The familiar. The strength of their strength. The weakness of their weakness. I need to research my options there. I need God to open doors for me in terms of jobs. I need to find a career that I am gifted in. Everything seems clearer today. More peace. A bigger understanding of the goal set before me.

So looking back can bring some clarification sometimes on what we are going through at the time. It brings to mind answers to what we experience and how we handle situations. A year or two ago, I wasn't ready to end the relationship, even though I knew it wasn't going well. Even when I knew I was searching for more to life. Even though I searched for meaning through unhealthy means. Thinking now at this moment, I am thankful for the faithfullness of God. He knew the right timing. He knew. He knows my comings and goings, when I sit and when I stand...so then why would he not know my mind, and when I was ready to accept his calling. When I was running in the wilderness in the darkness of despair and he spoke and called me, shining in his light for me to see clearly. He knew. He knew. So looking back can be good. I am now looking forward. Taking one day at a time. Writing about my experiences along this journey and one day I will look back at these writings and hopefully stand amazed at the hand of God.

First week of LW's

So it has been a week that I have been doing the Living Waters course. We were told that spiritually the warfare might be great, colds could come on, depression, anything that could try and stop us from coming to class. Well, wouldn't you know it, I get a huge cold. Hard time breathing and coughing up my lungs! Argh! That and the fact that I do not have benefits at work, no sick days and today, I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I had not slept the night before, tossing and turning. I get very emotional when I am sick and so tears come easily. Also, it has reminded me of my ex partner, who used to take care of me when I was sick and I have had to fight those memories as well. It is funny how this has all come up this week. It has made me aware again, at how I need to put my trust and faith in God. Who strengthens me, heals me and provides for my every need. I need to take care of myself better and get more sleep and exercise as well.
So if I have to, I will crawl to Living Waters tomorrow. Each of us has to give a talk tomorrow of why we are there, and what we expect to get out of the program. That excites me while giving me some fear of speaking in front of the group, the very essence of my brokenness. Well, it is soup time, then go to a medical clinic and see if this is just a cold. Then back in bed. Thanks to those who graciously pray for me. Blessings to you!

Living Waters...beginning

It has been awhile since I previously posted. Lots of stuff, keep me from entering what could be challenging for people to read.
August and September have been interesting. Keeping busy with life...trying to keep my head above the waters and spending tons of time with family and friends.
Today marked the first Living Waters class. I am taking an indepth course on sexual and relational issues. I am excited and scared all at the same time. What will come up out of this for me on my pathway to healing? Knowing only that God is in control and a constant companion is enough for me right now.
Have had lots of moments of "what have I done?", "it would be easier to just take the more travelled path", "maybe my ex partner is right!". Then I think of the amazing encounter with God, the work that he has already started in me, and the promise of a healthier future. Family continues to be a blessing, as well as some very good and faithful friends who understand the pain I feel. It has been 6 months since I ended my relationship with my ex partner. There are times of overwelming grief, and then there are times when I don't think about it. Continuing the journey and holding on to Jesus is pretty much all I can do.
I think I have found the church that I want to attend. It is not in the area that I had hoped, but the worship and teaching is great...now, I just need to know about their community...and the support that they offer.
Having not worked for 4 months in the summer has depleted the stockroom, and so any work that I get I am thankful for. Anyone know of a wealthy person...who gives to charity!?!
I hopefully move to the transition house that I will be houseparent for. I got offered a position to look after a 6 room, rooming house and in turn I get a one bedroom suite for reduced rent....praise God! My gardening experience will come in handy as did my painting. The place is looking great. Now, I just need furniture and a computer to help with my studies at University. My plate is full, and I am thankful for everything.
So Living Waters began today and it was everything I thought it would be. Next week, we have to share why we are there, and where we are coming from. Whew...something that I have wanted to do and just don't know what to say. I want to go deep, but we have to keep it brief. I look forward to this opportunity.
So I will keep you all informed of what is going on for me and probably ask for prayer requests from time to time.
Any revelations will be posted.
Revelation....today....that God is always there. I can screw up royally and God still is there. That won't ever change. He is faithful, when I am not. He keeps reminding me of that. I found it pretty amazing last week that God allows me to be in a place of needing him for a reason. That I turn myself/face toward him and rely on him, instead of doing it all in my own strength. I continue to ask for his assistance to get out of debt and for my daily needs to be met, so I can fully be of service to him. We are limited when we are in debt! So he reminds me to tithe, to give freely beyond that and to see what happens! I await what he has in store for me.
Blessings to those who read these simple meanderings.

Back in the Peg

I have been back now for a few weeks now...17 days!
I seem so far removed from the Exodus experience and yet I can vividly remember times of worship and times connecting with people that where there. My questions since being back...are can I really do this? Yes, only with the strength of God, only with submitting everything to him who gives me strength. To allow myself to receive God's love. I was told there would be spiritual warfare when I returned. Especially since I am blogging, my story. I have said that I was going to be open and transparent...there is a price to pay for that transparency.
Since being back, I have been told that I am gay and to deal with that. I can't accept that statement. I am not gay, that was not God's intention for me when he created me.
I read Psalms 16:7 I will praise the Lord who counsels me, even at night my heart instructs me
Then Psalms 17 reads...though you probe my heart and examine me at night, though you test me, you will find nothing. I have resolved that my mouth will not sin.
That is an incredibly deep verse. God probes our heart and examines us at night, while we sleep. He tests us and he will find nothing (thanks to the cross), and resolving that our mouths will not sin. What comes from our mouths is so important. I remember reading the 4 agreements by a native american author and spiritualist and he comments on the value of our words that come out of our mouths. That thinking first is a good thing. It could save us a lot of trouble.
So I ponder that verse and speak it over my life. That God would probe my heart and examine me at night and he will find nothing. I resolve that my mouth will not sin.

Leaving the mountains of North Carolina

Leaving the Blue Mountains today-incredible beginning of a life long journey. Who am I to question the goodness and awesome power of God. To transform lives for His Glory. It's for His Glory!
I have been refreshed-I have touched the garment of the Lord.
I leave with the knowledge that yes, this will be difficult at times. It will be a struggle and I will be tempted to walk in my old paths, that I layed out for myself 8 years ago...(even longer if I think about it).
But...
I will sing a new song! A song of redemption, grace, peace and joy. When the man involved in ministry prayed for me and told me I have a calling, and then another woman told me yesterday that while we where worshiping, she said she was waiting for me to go and dance in front of the group (what in front of 1200 people!!!). Such a tremendous feeling of holding back, but every part of my insides wanted to. I wanted to dance...and worship and just go crazy, yet I was holding back. I realized that is what I do in my life. I hold back. I hold back my emotions, my thoughts, my spirit. That way, I am protected and no one really notices.
The Lord spoke...to me at that revelation. "why are you ashamed to look foolish infront of man?"
Why couldn't I immediately do what the spirit inside wanted me to do? Why couldn't I just run up and dance especially when deep down, I wanted so desperately to do so. To proclaim that I was not ashamed and didn't care if anyone saw me worshiping or dancing. It goes to the image of the cloth, billowing around and I am running praising God in amongst the cloth. Proclaiming his awesome goodness to me.
So...I did go up, and danced. Not worrying about those around me. I closed my eyes and felt the presence of the Lord all around. It was life! It felt for a moment that I was the only person there, worshiping my Kind of Glory.
These things I know to be true...
I am not alone
I have purpose
My life is for God's glory
I will never be the same
I am called to speak and not be silent
I am calling into community

So as we leave and the drive back from Asheville to Charlotte was calm and beautiful, and I sat in awe of the scenery, really stunning, but not as green as British Columbia, but more dense.
We talked about what to expect now that the conference is over and yes, the spiritual attack is understandable. I found being in Chicago and seeing so many gay people everywhere you looked...a bit hard. It was weird that everytime I turned around there was this guy or that guy and you knew exactly...gaydar doesn't vanish!
So what begins now that Exodus is over. Now it is stepping into the promise land. It's wading into the river to the other side, and the truth that I will not drown, I will not be washed away by the waves. That God is for me and not against me. That He is good. No longer to be subject to the yoke of slavery. What an immense promise.
My desire when back is to find a church community that I can serve in. There are a few that I attend to try and get the feel for community. Direct my path Lord, in where you want me to be. This week I have understood my own selfishness in areas of my life. I was really encouraged by Mike's testimony of serving to find healing. In speaking out my story and the power of your testimony, to encourage and bless...and what does bless mean again? To ask God to change that person's heart.
It's time for the church to awake. To see and hear the truth of change. Prepare me to be able to give my testimony. To tell it the way you would want me to tell it, realizing the truth needs to be told.
Protect those of us Lord who are willing! Ready? Not sure when you are fully ready to tell the story? When is it advisable? Open the doors!
I got this image of a play...a drama...and it was like my life flashed before me...

there is a blackened stage...it is quiet.
a spot appears stage left
a voice speaks...
"Look it's the sissy...sissy boy"
A boy appears in the spot looking around, trying to appear composed.
He walks off stage
a voice speaks
"fairy"
the boy appears in the spot with backpack on, noticably heavy, sullen (maybe with the words sissy, fairy, hanging from the backpack) He walks off.
a voice speaks
"gay"
boy appears-back pack heavier now and he walks off
a voice speaks
"fag"
boy appears-back pack heavier (words sissy, fairy, gay, fag, hanging from the backpack) he walks off
A voice Yells out
"FAGGOT"
The boy appears and the backpack is so heavy and the boy is in tears, he stand there, not knowing what to do,
then music starts to play. Soft at first and then increasing, disco music, he starts to smile, his feet moving a little,
a guy comes in and starts to dance with the boy, the man takes the backpack off and they dance. After they dance, the man puts the backpack back on...
the boy hears the words...sissy, fairy, gay, fag, faggot, from backstage.
boy collapses
man comes on and the music starts, this time more wild, fast. He takes the boys backpack off and grabs the boy and yanks him around, then aggressively places the backpack back on. The boy falls to his knees and there is a pause, no music, no sound, a look of pain and torment, the words come now fast and furious, sissy, fairy, gay, fag, faggot and then a man walks on stage. The sound of whips and screams, moans are heard intermingled with the other words. Each time the whip sound is heard the man falls down, then the pounding of nails, crying, then silence. The man frozen in space. The man walks to the boy and gently takes the back pack and places it on his back...and reaches out to the boy and he takes the man's hand, the man embraces the boy....stage darkens.

okay, have to work on the concept, but the truth to that powerful in my life...even the symbolism of the backpack. I remember once going to the chiropractor and he said, I should stop wearing a backpack...okay, God even speaks through the chiropractor. (a good laugh at that)

July 23rd, 2005 God speaks

Today was the end of Exodus, but the continuation of a journey, that I am so looking forward in. A newness. I cannot comment on the service tonight...there are no words to describe the communion service. I was moved to tears throughout the service. When the man played the flute...and there wasn't a physical flute to be seen...I get goosebumps still. When the flags came down the isle and they where waved over our heads...these flags with fire colors on them and a lion head...ah....have to stop there! My words will not do it justice...a little tiny glimpse of the glory land!

This is what I heard....

Kenn

I, God almighty loves you. I adore you even before you were born. I knew you. I knew you before the earth was formed. You, I am pleased with. The work I have started in you, I WILL COMPLETE FOR MY GLORY. Remember, I am with you. My rod and staff comfort you. I will lead you beside quiet waters and give you rest. Don't strive all the time, I don't care. I love you for who you arenow, this very minute, second. I pour out my healing water, drink from me when you are thirsty and I will give you peace, joy, love, peace, peace. Kenn, I love you, my precious child.
Abba.

July 23, 2005....3 a.m. way...late...

3 am.....came in from a great dinner out. Nine of us, talking about life. Then after the meal, the guys went to Batman...and it was awesome. After the movie we went and talked at the local watering hole. It was good. Again, sometimes I just laughed so hard and some times, the past was way to present! It was a bit hard sometimes to take and realizing that was tough to take at times. I've been silent...and silent for way too long. God call me out of the silence. One of the ladies tonight talked about that as well. It was learning about her own silence and the steps to free her of that. In asking questions and keeping a conversation going. That's what I need-to learn to initiate conversation and keep it going. But I am also encouraged and am feeling good about where I am at in life.
Tye and I climbed to the top of Rattlesnake Summit. It was a great climb...a few rocky sections. How appropriate to climb to the top this week...my first mountain top experience. Tye has started back down and I stood on top, and reached out my right hand and allowed God to grasp my right hand. I thanked God for the experience and I asked God to reveal the symbolism of the climbing and being on the top and then climbing down.
There was gentle areas then quite rocky and then steep...then you hit a plateau and the trail would widen....then it would narrow again. Then at the top it was quite rocky and you could see for miles. It was beautiful.
I pray Lord for a peaceful sleep, speak to me in my dreams and visions. Continue to work in my heart, I give you my thoughts and desires.
oh...I spotted a orange spotted gecko...the body was brown and the spots orange. Anyone know what kind of gecko it was. It was CUTE!

July 22, 2005, can it be Friday already? and laying down the nets

I can't believe it is Friday. It seems like just yesterday that we came and now we have two days left. I woke up...and proclaimed, God's mercy is new every morning. I was tired, exhausted and feeling a little down. Feeling a bit pessimistic. But I proclaimed that I want this process. I want to enter into the "set apart" stage. To know that God has Good for me and not death. That my life "out" of the lifestyle would be just as amazing as my life "in" the lifestyle. that I would experience even more joy and love, peace and goodness. That the blessings of the Lord would encompass my ever daily walk.
Psalms 11:1
In the Lord I take refuge. How then can you say to me "Flee like a bird to your mountain."
Psalms 15
honor those who fear the Lord. Who keeps his oath even when it hurts.

Make these truths go down deep in my HEART. Make them be heart knowledge, not just head knowledge. Draw me deeper into your love.

Later in the morning, during worship, I saw a vision of Jesus, sitting and a woman came and sat beside him and pinched a piece of his robe and she was healed. God then said- "How much more I want to give you. That you don't deserve just a pinch- but that you deserve to be gathered into my cloth of healing. How much more healing he wants to pour out to me. If you are healed with just a pinch of his robe...how much more he gives when you are wrapped up in his robe. I wept. Tears of sorrow, tears of joy, tears of pure love.
I am desperate for you-
and I, am desperate for you
and I love you Lord
I love you Lord
I love you lord,
I want to be like the woman desperate for healing.

a little bit later....

i got the image of the cleaning lady coming in to clean house. But before she comes you frantically clean your house, so the cleaner doesn't see the "real" mess!
God sees our mess! Why try and clean the mess in your life...heart...soul...before He comes to clean. He wants ALL THE MESS!!

God is calling me to pursue his calling. To follow his examples and to join his group.

God calls us to lay down the nets. When Jesus walked to the disciples he told them to lay down their nets and follow him. If you look at the nets as being things that hold us back. Things in our life that God wants us to lay down. Then you have to ask yourself...."what are the nets in my life?" What are thos things that I am not so willing to let go of!
For me it is
SILENCE
FEELINGS OF UNWORTHINESS
ANGER
UNFORGIVENESS
SELF PRESERVATION

So I have to ask myself....again? WHAT WILL IT LOOK LIKE IF I LOSE IT? What will it look like if I lay down my nets.

So today, July 22nd, I give it to God. My net full of all the things that have been my false sense of security. The things that really are so unimportant but things that the enemy has said I have to hold on to or I will perish and be crushed.
It truly is amazing how God is revealing his truths to me. How he is showing me the sorrow he feels for me. The eternal love of the Father. It is quite amazing his love.
We had one of the key note speakers talk about the story of Mordecai and Esther and their relationship. How Mordecai, waited for Esther at the gate for 12 months while she got her make over...in order for her to be seen by the King.
I realized that the Mordecai in my life has been the man who has prayed for me, waited for me to return and who welcomed me back to the fold with open arms. Who has shown me the heart of God. He knows who he is...and I thanked him today. For standing, waiting at the gate! I thanked God for that revelation and truth. I am beginning to see the truths unfold before my eyes. The blinders are continuing to fall off. I want transformation and it is beginning. It is a life long journey.

July 21st, 2005 The Father Wound

Today was the Father wound. So many times I have wrestled with the issue of my father wound. Now first and formost, I love my dad. He did all he could when he raised me. I relish my time with my dad, and enjoy his company.
My image of God, when I was young, was that he just wasn't there. During the workshop the speaker asked us to come up for prayer if we thought that this father wound hit a cord in us. Well, I went up. As the front became increasingly crowded and so the speaker said that it would not be possible for everyone to get prayed for but to allow God to minister to us...that is really the most important thing. So I waited for God and when I do, I am usually not disappointed. Immediately I felt tears swell up and I just allowed the tears to flow. I felt the presence of God holding me as a father would. Then the speaker spoke these two words...tender warrior. Instantly I gasped for air...it spoke directly to my soul.
I have been holding back the tears of pain all conference, thinking if I let any out I would collapes, everyone would hear me and I'd just wail, moan, snot haning out of my nose, why can't I just let all the pain and sorrow go? I allowed some out after the workshop and then composed myself and walked back to my room to just be by myself for a while.
Later, the guys talked so much about the past and joked about the gay lifestyle...lots of laughter. It was refreshing to not take it so seriously all the time. But it felt strange. Probably because here were guys who have been dealing with this issue for 10 or more years...and to laugh must be so healing. It was so comfortable. It almost reminded me of being out with my gay friends but the difference was the conversation always came back to God and how he was working in someones life.
I wonder how many people have fallen this week? Some guys look at you a certain way, almost like they are eyeing you up and I have eyed some guys up! It's hard. I prayed the prayer of my youth...Oh, God take it away! I wonder about the men here...the majority are men. I wonder what their hearts are like. Are they still pure? I want transparency. I want my testimony to be my acknowledgement of God's love for me. I want people to see what God is doing in my life. I don't want it to known that Kenn just falls all the time. Just because I am attracted to someone does not mean I fall to temptation or sin.
So this evening I saw a picture of me sitting with a man with my arm around his shoulder and I am reading the Bible. I asked the man who did the workshop on the father wound to pray for me. While he prayed he said he saw a calling on my life. He didn't know what it was but it was all over me. He prayed for the gifts to be brought forth. That the words tender warrior would be side by side. I want the challenge of a pure life, but I am scared, very scared to fall.
"Blessed is Kenn who has regard for the weak for the Lord delivers Kenn in times of trouble. I love you God...watch over me and keep me safe. Let me heal, grow and learn to be open and to talk. Teach me to talk!

july 20th, 2005 We set out broken

We set out broken, began my journal entry today.
Matthew 17 reminded me..."you are my son, whom I am well pleased, now listen to me!"
God is well pleased.

I woke up this morning with the words Amazing Love-how can it be, that you my Lord would die for me.
Because He LOVES me! Me a sinful, wretched man, full of my own agenda, my own desires. But through all of that you my Lord died for me, and God the Father told me He is well pleased even in my brokenness He loves me. Again, you oh Lord, are my all and all. It's amazing really at the love of God, the amazing Love.
Transparent-again the foundation of healing wounds.
Today the morning teaching was on Esther and Mordecai
Esther used her authority well and God intervened...God intervenes in our lives...in my life.
Look for a Mordecai who will stand at the gate for you...Mordecai waited at the gate for Esther everyday...for 12 months...he looked out for her and cared for her wellbeing.
He was aware, he waited, he listened, because he loved and cared for Esther.
Mordecai also instructed Esther. He did not advise her or give his opinion, but instructed her.
Seek out someone who will instruct you. Mordecai had great faith in God.
If you are a Mordecai...you must trust God for your Esther...you must mentor...and realize that it is all about God. Mordecai...you must challenge your Esther's for great things.
Mordecai...had fear in no man...but he feared God.
Esther...put more faith in God...rather than putting all her faith in Mordecai. She waited on God. For instance, she waited 3 days afer her request for the Jewish people to pray and fast.
She was humble and she blessed Mordecai.

Yesterday, the word that popped into my head was surrender...so I did.
Today, it was sacrifice.

Sacrifice...Great is thy Faithfulness, to all that I sacrifice. I lay down my own agenda and sacrifice it to God. I look out from my own brokenness and trust God. His sacrifice was eternal and it was for me....heavy!
All that I need God has provided. Sacrifice, a continuing giving up of my own power and control. It is walking hand in hand with the father who speaks in the cool of the evening. Calling me out of the brokenness.

It's amazing to me this conference. The little bits of conversation with men and women. It's the indepth conversations too, of hearing stories of God's love and of the change that is possible. Being engulfed in worship...and feeling the brokenness at the same time.
I ask you Lord to continue to draw my heart to yours. To embrace my heart. I have enough head knowledge to last a while. I now need and ache for the heart. That my heart be forever yours. That I continue to fall more and more in love with you. Everyday, every minute, every second. My heart beats to the sound of your voice calling me your son.

July 20th, 2005, intimacy

This morning I just couldn't find the devotion room. I walked around searching. So I went back to my room...to find intimacy with God in my quiet place. Submitting my all and all to Him who created me. Yesterday I was overwelmed by the picture of God's faithfulness. As I lived in BC, Majestic mountains and I was reminded that I lived on my own strength. God called me to the prairies to open me, to show me space, to be vulnerable. What did I do? I continued to walk in my own strength, not baring my soul, not giving him my everything. Not allowing Him the opportunity to move freely in my heart. Now being here at Exodus, I again am in the mountains and forests (the mountains of North Carolina). Hemmed in-secure in this sacred place...or what feels like sacredness. Giving God my everything. The irony of this situation makes me emotional. God is faithful, His love is for me. What He started, He will see to completion. That is my reassurance. That is the love of the Father for me, his child.
Lord, my prayer this morning, is that you will continue to be my all in all, my everything. That I have nothing without you. That you will show yourself to me each day. The father I need to see. The falling in love process, the intimacy with you my all in all, my everything.

July 19th, 2005 after worship and registration

After 3 months of feeling like I was in a Twilight Zone episode, God spoke clearly that I was no longer in a Twilight Zone. I am a new creation. The old has passed away.

Ephesians 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Nancy Heche (this is Ann Heche's mother) spoke on blessings and the meaning behind that act. That it means asking God to transform that persons life. So many times while singing I had such intense emotion, of overt and immense joy. Knowing God in his mercy wants intimacy with me. He desires it. He desires to be in relationship with me. That is so powerful. That in the face of temptation, I can run to him. Temptations are our times when we need to RUN and spend time with God. It is almost like God allows temptation so we run to Him. The enemy would rather pull me away and lie to me. There is a choice-obey God, hide in His arms. Allow God to speak to my heart. When faced with a hurt or decision what do I do? I try to do it often on my own and fail. Rather I need to read my Bible and ask God to reveal His truth and show me his face. To speak into my broken heart, to reveal something for my hard heart and to minister to my soft heart. I have been really hearing the words fast and pray. For the whole week and even before I came to Exodus International (this is a conference for those seeking to come out of the gay lifestyle and walk in the freedom and new life that God gives) I have felt the need or urge to fast. I just did not know when I should.
Most of all today, I need to ask God to protect me from the snares of the enemy. I need to be transparent. When is the right time to disclose things to my failings? The call to love, and to let the verses in 1 Corinthians be the guide in my life.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13 Love is patient, love is kinds. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where ther are prophecies, they will cease, where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. when I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a child and I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. Now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

People need to rememeber us by our love, that is a powerful message to me. Lord, grant me strength tomorrow, give me courage. Make me brave like David. I want to meet others who I relate to or who I can connect with. This journey is about building good relations. peace and love!

July 19th, 2005

This morning came early-only because we had a late night. This morning is the start of the conference. Last night I went out with some men who have been transformed by the power of God's love. I also realized, last night that I am not all that different or TRANSFORMED as a lot of men here who are in forms of leadership. They realize though where they have come from and where they are at and where they are going. They are TRANSPARENT. What a freeing place to be at. That for a lot of them has been part of the process.
I was told to ask people why they decided to change and what was their motivation to stay out of the lifestyle. Each story being it's own on how God has called us...but for one reason only, to glorify God. It gave me a rememberance to what it was like for me.
A time of questioning and longing. There has to be more to LIFE than this!!
God speaking to me even though I was not crying out, but inside I was. I was caught. I knew that my life was empty of meaning and purpose. When as a child I knew my purpose was to follow God. As an early adult I knew God in a way that changed my life. I didn't fear death, I knew eternally that I was heaven bound, and really, I was full of judgement of others and not full of love.
That changed in 1997. When a mistake of walking in sin, having an affair while engaged and running from that truth rather than face it. It brought me into the place of hiding. Of silence.
I see it now plain as day. Now that the blinders are off. How I tried to protect myself. How selfish that act was and it made me close part of myself off. That spiraled me downward. Toward 8 years of deep disconnection with God. Following the path of my own salvation. I had saved myself from what?
-fellowship...true, deep fellowship
-the opportunity for forgiveness and reconciliation
-renewal of strength and character
-humility of my weaknesses and allow God to be my strength

Instead, what did I get?
-I got sexual freedom
-drugs
-no guilt on acting out sexually- my motto was that I felt guilty far too many times as a christian that I would have no guilt or shame, living as a gay man. It somehow gave me a feeling of immortality. I could do no wrong. I could get drunk, do drugs and sleep with whoever. That was just a part of who I was. I embraced the "freedom" of homosexuality.
Even though I was eventually in a committed relationship, I began to have affairs. I justified it by saying that I realy wasn't married so I could still sleep with whoever. So whenever a demand or emotion or urge became too great, I knew where to get it filled. A temporary fix to a deeper problem. But it began to fester. Like a small puncture wound which slowly gets infected. Gradually the pain became too aparent. There had to be a breaking point and it soon came. Living with my partner of 8 years-I was the unfaithful one. In the first 2 years of commuting, it gave me the liscence to have my needs met when I needed them met. I knew where to go, and fully aware that he might find out. Then taking the step and making the move to Vancouver, making the final "cut" away from family, faith and friends. I knew that this was me saying "I can do this on my own." Just one more step of cutting myself off and standing on my own two feet..."I don't need anyones help."
Yet was I alone? I allowed my partner in...to see just what I wanted him to see. He had to work really hard at seeing the real Kenn. Pushing, pulling, pleading for me to be "real", except that I wasn't being real. I could not allow myself to think that deeply. Because in doing so I would have to admit certain things that I could not face...and remember I could do this on my own.
I had experienced Christ's attonment, his forgiveness before and I pushed that truth really far down. I had to now cover up like Adam did. To hide my nakedness and that was hardening my heart. I wouldn't have said it at the time but looking back, I had to harden my heart so that I wouldn't hear God's voice calling me back into his presence. But He also never gave up. He is way smarter than I gave Him credit for. All the while he continued putting options in front of me.
I remember when I was still in Winnipeg 7 years ago, and everytime I would be off to Vancouver or my ex partner was coming here I would get a New Direction(I had been involved in a ministry that dealt with same sex attraction...as a participant) newsletter in the mail. I would mockingly laugh...but deep down I knew this was God...so quickly and as fast as I could, I pushed that thought away.
My partner had a cousin who is a christian and I met her soon after the move. She did not talk all the time about God but when she did it always touched me. I thank her now for her faith. I can remember once when she was questioning somethings in her life, and I would tell her to ask God to reveal things to her...here I was in amongst my own pain and pushing God away and I was telling her to go deeper...which tells me that God uses those who are caught in sin as well.
We had a mutual friend (who is a christian) who never once judged us. Who invited us into her home and we where a part of her family. She blessed us.
There was christians at my work place.
My family never gave up hope for my healing. When I broke up with my partner I was doing so out of frustration. I had again been unfaithful and I kept that locked away and that caused me to lock away my heart. To stop being real...well, I actually never was real...that would be way too painful. Communication was at a standstill and I sought out my own way of dealing with that pain. So I ran from truth yet again. I ran to others and I ended my 8 year relationship. It caused so much pain and hurt for both myself and my partner. But I felt a freedom. I said to myself..."alright, I am single. Let's have fun." Yet I was hurting. I loved my partner and longed to be "real". But what was that. I started questioning my decision making skills and I thought maybe I'll work on the relationship and when I approached my partner he thought otherwise. He was wounded. He didn't want to work on us, he needed to just find peace, to make it through the day. We both dealt with our pain differently. I figured that I needed to embrace the pain and so I did. I can say that those few weeks, where the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. I have never cried so much in all of my life. I moaned and ached all over. I would be cleaning the cat's litter boxes and would cry, I would walk down the street and cry. I would have to leave work because I was breaking down. It was extraordinarily hard. I began to realize the ending of the relationship was inevitable. I knew for a couple of years that it wasn't healthy. It was a co-dependant relationship. He was my hero. My knight in shinning armour. He saved me! I felt so sexure when I was with him. My security was him. When I was second guessing my decision it was partly to do with feeling so lost without that security.
It was then that I phoned my mom. I told her I was second guessing my decision. She shared with me the story of the Israelites leaving Egypt and they second guessed their decision. It didn't mean that they should go back to slavery. So she said to me "Kenn, you don't have to go back to Egypt. That God would provide light for me in the wilderness. That statement went down deep. I acknowledged it and then put is away. My mom was talking about my relationship, not my lifestyle. I began planning on leaving, as I was still living in Langley with my ex-partner and commuting everyday together. I talked with a realtor in Vancouver and she told me of condo's that I could afford and so I began planning. A smart little condo and continue on, maybe start dating, but really enjoy singlehood.
But I also started wrestling with what my mom had said. I was crying out. I wanted to be able to communicate my feelings with my ex but it just didn't flow right. It was like I couldn't put into words the way I was feeling. I was alone it seemed in the wilderness. I seemed so far off. Yet, God was right there, waiting. I get the picture of God at that point in my life as a man holding his breath with anticipation and a man standing there arms ready and willing to hold me but waiting until just the right moment to grab me with enthusiasm, embracing me and never letting me go.
One day a few weeks after the break up, we attended a cat show. My partner and I had begun to show cats and breed them. That was our passion together. I was now living in the spare bedroom. Things where tense in the house. We would commute to and from work together and then come home and feed and care for the multitude of cats. Friday, we went to the show. My partner went early and I showed up later. It was tense. The joy I usually felt when we showed together had faded. I yearned for things to be normal again. I secretly wanted to say, forget what I said, I take it back. Yet I didn't. I showed the cats alone the next day, people coming and talking with me. People who had been a part of our lives for the last 5 years. Good friends.
I remember whenever things got too emotional, I called anyone I could....my cell phone bill was HUGE. That night I went home, I wept. I wept at being alone, for the decisions that I had made. I woke up in the morning and I remember that I felt the need to go for a run in the forest just close by to the house. So I went for the run. I ran and ran and could remember how good it felt and how amazing it was that I wasn't getting tired. Then the words "Kenn, you don't have to go back to Egypt" came into my mind...was it audible, I am not sure but it was so real that I stopped, composed myself and continued running. Okay then God, if you are real speak to me, I am hurt and so very sad. I am alone here!! Then it came and I heard the words "I will be your refuge and strength, I will shine the light in the wilderness." Alrighty then, the tears began to flow and here I was running, crying and I never felt so good in a long time. It was a really good run...the run of my life. When I ran out of the wilderness and onto the road I felt so much joy and instantly I knew that going back to Egypt meant continuing on in the gay lifestyle. I knew that God was going to be my refuge and strength and he was calling me out of the lifestyle. I felt incredible joy. I literally ran home and phoned my friend and told her about Egypt, my run and the decision to leave the lifestyle. She told me she would pray for me.
I went back to the cat show and I asked one of my friends if I could talk to her and I told her my experience and she said she understood my struggle. She said she was a christian and she blessed me with words of love and not condemnation. When her husband came to me at the end of the cat show and told me to hold on to Jesus' hand and stand firm in my faith, I went to my car and wept. No longer tears of sorrow but tears of joy. Of knowing the truth had just set me free.
When I got home from the cat show I checked my email. My friend had emailed me. In it she told she had felt the need to pray for me all day. That she was so amazed at God's love. That God had given her 3 verses for me.
1. That God led the people out into the streets with tambourines
-this verse was spoken over me years ago when I went on a mission trip to Europe and I was on the tambourine team...that actually tambourined in the streets...and my friend never knew this.
2. God would be my refuge and strength....again, I had not told her what God had spoken to me in the wilderness that morning.
3. That God had a plan and purpose for my life Isaiah 43...that He has called my name and redeemed my life.
She never once told me to leave my partner or the gay lifestyle but to look for God, to seek Him first.
Each verse struck me and reminded me that God chose to give me a sign of his faithfulness.
That's how much he loved me. He had waited for just the right moment, and he wasn't holding his breath any longer. He was breathing his life into me. He just didn't speak to me and leave me. He now started to use others to reveal even more of himself to me. I call this the beginning of when the blinders started to be removed of the reality of life being shown. Then I wondered what to do. Here I was living with my ex partner, in a city where I had fled from God. He began to call me home. It was subtle. Then another blindfold slowly fell away and I realized that Vancouver was the place I had fled to. My family was not here, yet I had many friends a great job...yet I felt a strong desire to be near family. To be close to those I needed to be near. So one day it became apparent that I needed to go home. To stop running and face issues. So I went to my 2 jobs...which I LOVED and gave my notice. Both places told me that maybe I should take a year leave of absence and I really felt God say..."no, you need to leave."
I then went to my home and gave my notice. My ex parnter now in shock told me I was moving backward...not being true to myself, that I would find myself in the same place I was at before I left Winnipeg. But I felt for the first time in my life that I was being true to myself. That I was doing the right thing.
It wasn't all roses the last month that I was there. But I felt God's grace during this period. It was a struggle and I fell often. Then I met a pastor out there and I took a step of faith and began meeting with him. I sometimes felt why I did that with only a month left but it was encouraging for me. It was a lifeline.
My family rallied around me and my sister drove 2000 miles to pick me up. I remember seeing her for the first time and running up to her and holding her and sobbing. A picture of the prodigal came to my mind...what it was like for the son to come home.
My friends helped pack me up and I said goodbye. I closed the door on an 8 year relationship and turned my back, in faith, that God would be my provision and strength. I was leaving with nothing and God said, that I need not be afraid.
We travelled for 3 days. A door closed when I left my old home. A door closed when I left BC, again in Alberta and Sask. Soon I was standing in Winnipeg. How strange it felt.
I began reconnecting with family. I re-connected with New Directions and started to feel the grieving process of what I left behind. It hasn't been easy, old patterns are hard to break, especially when you fall back on thinking you can do it on your own strength. I fell sexually, I seconded guessed my decision.
but...
God is faithful. I always feel Him close. I have had awesome times of worship with Him. I have had to totally rely on him for my everything. I left BC with nothing. Financially able to last a few months but still very much in debt. I have not worked for 3 months. The odd job here and there. But it was like God was saying, trust in me, trust in me. I have always been one to not rely on anyone but myself and here was God saying "Kenn, won't you just trust in me?" So I began. It was hard and is hard still at times. I have begun to see a clearer picture of who I am. I have begun to love myself because God loves me.
The biggest realization is the Grace of God, which comes through the blood of Christ. Reading again today Hebrews 9:11 about the blood of Christ, that Christ is the new covenant. Then reading Psalm 31 on God's strong fortress to save me. Though evil men try to ensnare me and trap me, that God will deliver me in his righteousness. He will rescue me.
God provided a way to come to Exodus with not allowing me to get a job right away. It was hard because it cost way too much but I have faith that he will provide. I thanked God everyday for his provision, even when I did not see it. With much fear and trembling I came to Exodus. What if I fall sexually with someone there? What if I am tempted? What if it doesn't meet my needs? What if I don't hear God?
As I re-read these pages, if this is all that I get out of coming here to Exodus, then it will have still been worth it. God has met me, He is faithful. I have been hearing stories of redemption of transition and begun to realize I am not alone. That God's heart is for me. That through it all God desires to have an intimate relationship with me. He is opening up the floodgates of his love for me. He is transforming me through the renewing of my mind and through his eternal love.

July 18, 2005

The air here is heavy with humidity. We are about 4000 feet above sea level, in the midst of forests. It is beautiful here. The sky hazzy. Not sure if the sky is ever blue? There are so many trees and they are large and solid. There are vines growing up and around some, creeks and streams flow freely all around. Ridgecrest is large and a good facility. Today was an adventure. I went for breakfast and then bought a worship cd at the store. If it touches me in a way that I sob while listening to it...does that mean it is good?
Have had a headache since before I came. A migraine last week and very stiff muscles in my neck and back. I realized that it is stress. Stress from holding things inside. I have fallen since being back in Winnipeg. I feel remorse but not guilty. I feel more the fact that I hurt God and hurt myself. Sometimes I feel like it has pushed me farther away from God. Then I read in Hebrews that he harden's some hearts and also he turns away those who at first acknowledged him and then fell away and that they will not enter heaven because it is like they have crucified Christ twice. That worries me! I don't want God to turn his face from me, yet I am still a sinner saved by grace. That he has removed my transgressions. That I will never be sin free.
I finished reading the Truth Teller. it was a good book about DNA etc. I need to get honest.
I look at all the people here, leaders etc and I ache to be free to laugh about my life, my struggle just seems so fresh. So real! True they struggle too, but they have things in place-
accountability, house groups, church, fellowship. I don't have a lot of that. I am really struggling to find where I fit in. Sometimes I think it easier to be in a cave, away from everything around me...but Jesus called us into community, to be with each other and face things together. We are not meant to be alone.
Christ offers so much more....
Christ Ememy
Joy sorrow
love hatred
peace troubled
gentleness bitterness, anger, malice

So God take me to the rock that is higher than this. Help me to see that I cannot "change" my life, only you can. Forgive me for forging ahead on my own strength, only to fail miserably.
Help bring me to a place of intimacy with you God. That I may seek your face everyday, when I wake I think of you. When I go about my day I think of you. When I go to sleep I thank you for your glorious presence in my life. Only you are holy.
Tomorrow is day #1 conference wise. I rejoice in your goodness your love and your kindness for brining me here on this journey of faith or my journey as a straight man. I was telling someone that I would like to talk with Jerry Fallwell...as he was speaking here. Then I read proverbs 29:26. It reads "many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the Lord that man gets justice."

Isaiah 43:18

Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.