Enjoying the Pain!!!!

Sometimes life has a habit of bringing death. I took this picture while in Vancouver, walking along the beach in November. As I look at the picture now, I am reminded of how I am like that rose. The petals, darkened and the color gone, and falling off, revealing the seeds. The stem still yet green and vibrant.
I am like the rose. I feel like with this new life, there is a lot of death. I have had to put to death lots of things in my life in order for me to live and to truly live free. I am nothing without the vibrant green of my Father who gives me life.
Is it painful, hell yes. Awful pain sometimes. Right now I am going through that pain in a new way, a deeper way. I was saying to someone, that if it was not for who God is in my life, I would be dead right about now. Christmas is not my favorite holiday. I think it used to be in previous years, but I often feel depressed and sad. So I started to pray into this and wonder why! I try to think back at my life, as a child and wonder if there was happy memories for me at Christmas. I can't seem to find any memories. I can't seem to think of what traditions I have that I grew up with. It is sad. It is sad. It is sad. So I welcome that sadness and grieve the lose of what should have been and so I can move forward, even if that means taking baby steps, I am ready.
I have begun to do things that I love. To form my own traditions. Being single at times does not help, and there are days that I long to do this with someone else, but really, I need to know what I...Kenny I love to do. Before that happens, I feel like I am just selfish to want someone, because then I would be scared that I would be defined by that person, instead of really knowing me.
Again, there are good memories that I have as well, of stockings, sleeping in, cocktail parties and laughter after having a few martini's and enjoying getting to know people. So it is in a sense creating that for myself here.
But it still makes me sad...and I am fine with that. There will be a time when I am no longer sad and I can laugh and "be of good cheer" but right now, this is the season I am in. It may last a day, a week or a month, but I welcome this time of feeling. I welcome this time even though I feel like shit, and it's painful, because I know that this does not define me, I know that God is doing something, bringing me deeper into the knowledge of what his character is who I am in Christ. So I can come out of this with a deeper resolve, a deeper love and a deeper desire to know God at all cost.
Peace to those who are going through turmoil, sadness and grief, may God be the keeper of your soul and bring you comfort when you need comfort. May he surround you with the deep love that he gives so freely. Rest in the knowledge that God is doing a good work, even though it is painful, know that he is right there walking along side of you holding on to you with every part of his being...amen.

make my path straight

Today, we put on a one day conference on gender issues. It was good. I shared and talked with people and how they can love like Christ.

I love doing that, I love it...yet, it is tiring. So I took this photo this year when my friend Jeanne came and visited me. It was good to practice taking photo's at night. I love the orange.

Today, I realized something that I have to do for me. Something that I need to address in my life, something that is hard to do, but for me, it is important.
I have taken steps this past year to focus on living a healthy life and what that means. Sometimes that means saying or doing things that may or may not make people happy, yet, there are times when you just have to do it for your own well being.
So I am not sure how that will look, or what the results of this decision will be, but I trust in God my Father that He will make my paths straight. That he will be glorified in my life. I look to him for my strength and I look to him for my guidance.
But this is short, as I am off to my life group. I enjoy this group of people, we do life together and are slowly being knit together, sharing our lives with one another. That is what it is all about.
But first, have to go feed the cats, put food in my stomach and breath for a moment or two.
If there is any prayer warriors out there...please pray for my finances. I am trusting in God to do a miracle, as I try to be a faithful steward in what he gives me.

Dreaming of more....

So here are some pictures from this summer that I took, practicing with my digital camera. It is not the best camera, but I enjoy what I can do with it. I love film...and the joy of waiting for the pictures to come, but also like the instant feel with a digital. I need a bigger pixel camera, but I can wait on that. I am just enjoying this for the time being...baby steps into the realm of the digital world!!!!

Today, I am just happy to be here on earth. Life is crazy, seems like everything is falling apart in terms of my family, relations, and yet I sit back and cozy up with the cats or go for a walk and realize that I have it pretty darn good.

Things could be a whole lot worse. I could be living on the street, I could be sick, I could be alone. That for me is the biggest realization. That I am not alone. Even if I never see another person in my life, I know that God is present with me. That I cannot go anywhere without him.
I am reading "Messy Spirituality" my Michael Yaconelli and it is an amazing book. God's annoying love for Imperfect people. I thank God in my brokenness and my imperfection. I thank God for the imperfect people in my life...and in part...those who know they are imperfect....I love you!!!

I was reading a co-workers blog and saw pictures of Europe and then got thinking of my trip there years ago and praying for a time to go back. To go on a vacation. An actual vacation away from Canada. I have never been on an actual Vacation outside of Canada (apart from a trip to Mexico years ago with my sister and we both got so sick that we had to go to a hospital, cutting short our already short vacation). I have always wanted to see the world. To experience and meet people from all over the world. I am not a big tourist attraction type of guy...take me to the small villages and let me experience the small cafes and shops and scenery. Let me experience the people and their lives. That for me is seeing the world. So I pray that I can go on a vacation one day. Where I can play in the warm surf, walk in the rain forest, go into a desert, or on a safari. This is a different way of thinking...for me. I used to think that this was not a right to be able to go and experience the world...especially when I see millions of people that will never travel, or if they do it is for survival. But today, I long to go, long to go and enjoy the world that God created, to meet people from all walks of life. For the world to impact me in a deeper way.
Today, I dream!

grey cup,,,rah rah rah

okay, trying hard to remain sane in what appears to be an insane time. Have been listening to Crazy by an artist Gnarls Barkley...it is my theme song right now.
Life is crazy. What I don't know, is how things are going to proceed like they are now. I know that things are happening with my family because they need to change...but it hurts, it is painful and it is crappy beyond measure. What I do know is that I have to pray, I have to lay down the hurts and the ways that I would normally cope, because they aren't working too well right now.
So I have to do things differently.
What I do know is that in the past, when family became too hard to deal with I would seek out sex to make myself feel better. Now, I allow myself to feel this. To allow myself to go to this place as hard as it is. I am not supposed to feel good all the time...so why do I think that I am supposed to.
As Christmas approaches, I just want to go to a deserted beach somewhere, stay in a grass hut and lay on the beach. In a sense, I am wanting to run away...find some solace and some peace. Being single at 40, with no children...no home of my own, is often difficult. In societies terms I should have that all by now. I should have a home, wife, kids and have it all together...yet, I don't. So I am trying to create memories and good times now. Don't get me wrong. I love being single, there is a part of me that knows the liberty of being single, yet there is this part of me that also longs to be in relation with a woman. To serve her, to honor her and to love her beyond measure.
So there are a lot of things going on for me. I often find that it is not just one thing that happens but a lot...all at once. Yet, I have this inner peace...apart from the frustration and sadness...and frustration, there is this deep part of me that is at peace.
Today, I tried to fix my vacuum...ah, I know why I am not a trades man. I was frustrated and it kinda worked, but not quite, so I will bring it in all the pieces to the Vacuum repair person on Monday. Oh, the things we do. At least I know what the inside of a vacuum looks like.
Well...now I am rambling...not making sense of too much. I am typing on the new lap top...(work one) and it is quite nice. Thanks to the awesome computer guy...Andrew for putting it together...I owe you man...I hear you like a good beer!!!!
Okay, my cyber friends...ones I have never met...take it easy...love those around you, for you never know when they won't be there.
Shalom

I remember

I remember when I was younger and rememberance day brought about much sadness. I guess, because I saw it all around, living in a community that really celebrated it.

This morning, I got in late (okay birthday celebration ROCKED). I came home and by the time I put everything away, it was nearly 4 a.m., then I got a call and was informed that Harry Lehotsky passed away.

I remember meeting him for the first time. Here I was bright eyed, just moved back from Vancouver and wanted to "do something more in my life". I shared with him my story, my brokenness and my willingness to give up everything for Christ. I remember him looking in my eyes, understanding me, like no one has ever understood before. I remember his mercy, his grace, his kindness. Very soon, I was painting homes, biking from South Pembina to downtown to just work. I would see Harry out and about, talking with someone here and there. His walk, even and paced, yet with much authority and love. I started to see the people in the community as family. The times I would go in to the cafe and he would come up and chat with me...a stranger, but NO...I was already brought into the fold of family.
When I needed a place of my own, again, he took a chance on me, noticing something inside of me...a willingness...he gave me a chance.
I welcomed it with open arms and I became a house parent for the Maryland Transition House. It was an interesting first year. Ups and downs, but much learning took place. I remember when the fire alarm went off in the house because we lost power and he came over...already showing the signs of fatigue (and this was at 7 a.m.). When he left, I saw him meet up with a man on the street, and he proceeded to go get groceries for him at 7-Eleven...I stood amazed!
Harry never once complained to me. I know that he had pain way before he was diagnosed. He shared with me the frustration of not getting in to see the Doctors, or the waiting period to get specific tests done. Yet, he shined when he smiled, always helped those around and he took a chance on me.
Today, I remember a man, who walked like Christ...when I saw him, I saw Christ. He is now dancing the streets of Gold, hand in hand with His Father and laughing. I can see him laughing and rejoicing. As much as I will miss him, as much as the community will miss him and his family, I will remember him by walking the walk, talking the talk and try my best to be like Christ in all I do...for that is what Harry would want.
God...our Father, surround the Lehotsky family, the New Life Ministries, the people that he touched...his family. May we walk like Christ, may we love like Christ, may we touch others like Christ. Empower us, give us passion to step out and do the will of the Father who has called us to serve, and to give up our lives for others. Teach us and remind us that this is not our home, may we not store up treasures on earth. Teach us how to give.
Be our vision and our guide.
Amen.

rain rain go away...

so, it has been an interesting few days.
The rain, is actually refreshing and yep, I still hate wet pant legs!
It has a wonderful few days.
I bought a ring the other day...with strips of wire in the middle, wearing it on my left ring finger to remind myself that God is entwinded in my life. Every aspect of my life, he is in. I long to not be the same as I was the day before. I know that often we do not see change in our own lives until others point out how we have changed. I have been pointed at...I have been told how different I am and yet often I feel like I am the same. I often still have the same thoughts and desires and especially ones that do not line up to what I want.
So, how do I validate myself with those thoughts?
does that mean I just forget what I have learned, what I have experienced in terms of the grace and mercy and the restoration of Jesus? Does it mean I am gay still?
Nope...it means I am human. It means I live in a sinful world. I life in a place of brokenness, realizing my need to be whole. Realizing that I need Jesus...even more. It means I need to be open...honest and transparent...real.
I read about Ted Haggard...and I immediately became sad. Here is this influencial man. This "spiritual father", who has wrestled with the same feelings that I have. My heart goes out to him and his family.
But I have to go...the rain continues and I need to meet up with a friend...blessings...

what kind of titles do I come up with?

So, another shift at Hesed tonight. Today, we just laughed...thanks Napoleon D, for the comic relief.
So thoughts on 40? Some people say it is the best time of their lives...I think so. For someone who has dreamed of children and a wife, sometimes that seems so far off.
Who knows if that will happen for me, right now I am content. Content to figure out Kenny's likes and dislikes. What do I like doing when I am by myself, or with others? It is rather fun actually. So come on 40!!!!
After sharing at soul, some doors are starting to open in refreshing ways and just amazing opportunities have come up...which I will share later, right now I am praying. I am trusting. I am looking to my Father for strength, courage and boldness that I have never experienced before.
Today, I remembered thanks to a relative of mine, some great memories that I can be thankful for when I was growing up. Times spent with cousins, aunts and uncles. Safe. Even though life was still messy and sometimes ugly, I can look back and almost smell times spent at my grandparents...or biking on country roads, or standing under the bridge with my cousins smoking...crazy youth!!! But those memories last. It was like a haven...a time for rest, before the storm of life came again. Life was not "peachie" but life was not "horrific either".
I am reading...To own a Dragon...by Donald Miller and he talks about what it means to be a man.
John Eldredge in Wild at Heart says this:
We all carry a father wound, and unless our father convinces us we have what it takes, we are probably going to flounder for a while.

Donald Miller goes and explains, that he threw the book across the room, finally picking it up again and reading. He says this:
The thing I believe about manhood now is that it lives within the male from a very early age, and sometimes it gets awakened, sometimes it doesn't. It doesn't matter how old you are...a man is a man is a man.

It is a great read so far...I recommend it for those who struggle with being a man, in our North American crisis of fatherlessness.

stories

I sit here listening to Sufjan Stevens...you are not alone...you never leave...I love you cannot be said a better way. It's everything you promised!

Today, a step out into greater vulnerability...first time...totally,opening up my life for all to see. To see how God has moved in and taken over.

God has redeemed my life. It is exciting and wonderful. Who really cares who knows my past and present and future. All I know is that I am laying it all down. I lay down my life and give it all over to God. Use me Lord in ways, that I cannot fully comprehend. The world may look at me and shake their heads...saying I am not being myself and using you as a crutch, but I look at it as freedom to be who you have called me to be. I look at it as laying down my life for others. To take my eyes off myself.

Today, I shared my life...with those in my community where I worship and live life. It was emotionally charged and exhausting. But people surrounded me with tears, hugs and encouragement beyond my belief. I look to you Oh God with wonder and amazement. Your promises are true. You restore the years the locusts have eaten. It is never too late for anyone to stop and look to you. To ask for transformation and forgiveness. Why wait?

I turn 40 this month...aaaahhhhh...it seems so old, yet I feel so young. I have a new lease on life. A brand new day beginning.
I am blessed to be a part of Soul Sanctuary. An authentic place to worship and be me.
Spent the evening enjoying working at Hesed. Serving and taking the eyes off of me. Then relaxing at home and talking with my brother who is a gift.

Planning a trip...celebrating my birthday in ways that I have always wanted. I am enjoying the gift that you have given me. Life. God you are amazing and true to your word.

Well, gotta run...will post tomorrow too.
Shalom...and thanks for all of those who listened to me speak yesterday. To those who warmly hugged me and thanked me for being honest and real. Stories are worth telling. Tell yours.

Intimacy

What does it all mean?
Went to the Exodus Regional Conference in "beautiful...take my breath away...Wisconsin" and the special guest speakers spoke on Intimacy with God. What it looks like and how we live our lives out of that Intimacy.
I was encouraged, challenged, drawn by the love of God in a deeper way. How fully do I give my thoughts and feelings and desires over to God? Do my thoughts, feelings, desires line up to the word of God?
Who's thoughts am I listening to? Are they my thoughts or the firey darts of the enemy, who seeks to confuse me, draw me to be self sufficient and worship false gods?
I came away this weekend with more clarity than ever before. A thirst and a hunger to run after righteousness. A desire to read the word of God, pray without ceasing and to ask for wisdom and revelation for my Heavenly Father.
I want to know that if I step out of the will of my father, I will know.

One night they talked about the 7 longings of the human heart.

1. That God really enjoys us (me): Ephesians 3:16-20...pray this every day until it clicks within you. Nourish our relationship with God/Jesus/Holy Spirit
That God doesn't just love me...He likes me.

2. Longing to be Fascinated: humans grasp at anything that fascinates us. In our broken state we jump at that which gives us pleasure, be it physically, sexually, emotionally.
My prayer is that the Lord will show me his GLORY...try praying this daily

3. Long to be Beautiful: we have a longing to be desired, liked by others. We need a deep connection with how God sees us as beautiful. That we do not need to do things just so that people like us.

4. Longing to be Great: We long for more, we long for greatness and often we try to get that in the world. We should desire for greatness in the kingdom of Heaven. Paul's focus was on the rewards in heaven...yes, there are rewards waiting for us. I desire to be as close to God as possible.

5. Intimacy without shame: long for the stability of love. To boldly go into the throne room of grace. To come before God without shame. Love others without shame.

6. Long to be Whole Hearted and Passionate: Everyones inner soul longs to worship and love God. That is how we are formed. There is a deep inner voice that longs to worship God. We often do not take time to listen, nurture that deep inner call. We fill it with work, relationships, shopping, eating, sex, anything that takes us away from sitting in his presence.

7. Long to make an impact: we want relevance,we want to impact others. All I want to hear is "well done good and faithful servant" God wants to remove all the things that hinder our cries and longings.

God is saying to his people....love me as I have loved you.
God is saying to his people....come to me all who are heavy and laden down and I will give you rest.
God is saying to his people....I will remove that which hinders you.
God is saying to his people....I will give you a passionate life.

So it may not always be easy to walk in relationship with God. He will challenge us, refine us and draw us deeper into relationship with him. It is all about him and His desire for a deeper and more relevant relationship with us. I often run, when there is pain, or I do not "feel" God. In the times when it is the dark night of the soul, I want to press in, even when I do not feel like pressing in. When I do not hear him or see him or understand what is going on, I will try and claim his promises. I will press further into understanding him who has given me breath and life.

I challenge you to meditate on his word everyday. To read and ask God to reveal himself to you. That he would show you his glory in your life.
When there is pain or confusion...press in.
When there is doubt...press in.
When there is numbness...press in.
When there is joy...press in.

God wants and desires a deep, relevant relationship with us. He will do anything to get it...He does it all because He loves us...

Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

When it says rejoice over you with singing...it literally means, spins wildly over you. Bask in the knowledge that God is wild about you!

Forgiveness

"this is not my own picture"
This summer has been a somewhat slow summer in terms of blogging. A problem is that I need to do it after work...at work, as my computer at home is slow. I am thankful to the person that donated it and for the use of dial up. That alone has saved me much the last year and I am greatful to my friends who have supported me in this way...BLESS YOU!
I am hoping that this winter I will be able to upgrade...get something a wee bit faster and maybe if my support comes in fully, move to high speed.
Part of that wish is so that I can post photographs. Photography is a passion of mine. I love my K1000 Pentax...it has been my faithful companion now for nearly a decade. Thank you Dad! It still takes great shots.
So I have talked about an art auction fundraiser idea...well, I have been looking around, phoning and emailing for possible dates and times. It looks like it could be early November and maybe some surprizes in terms of music. I am still working on that part of it. The venue...not sure yet. But it is coming along. I am getting some prints made this weekend and will start framing. That is costly so I will have to watch my pennies and try to do things as cheap as possible, especially for the first showing.
I have started another Blog and eventually, will just have photographs on there. People can go there and look and order prints and I will ship them out to them once payment is in hand. www.skinyboycards.blogspot.com is the addy. Be patient! I have yet to figure out prices. I will sell them unframed, as that is just easier to ship.
So there you have a bit about the pictures and fundraiser to come.

This fall something solid happened in my life. It feels like my faith solidified in a way that has made my feet feel very sure of themselves. The temptations, the desires to act out in old patterns seem to have diminished. I am not saying they are gone, yet, there seems a freedom that I have never felt before. Maybe it has to do with forgiveness.
Let me explain.
My family is being shaken...the old ways of relating gone. This fall, I got a chance to talk to a few family member and I forgave them for things that they did or said to me that was harmful and that affected me in deep ways. My perceptions of them and God were way off...and I realized that I needed to forgive them...as I still clung to the hurts and pain. In talking with them, I explained forgiveness...how if I do not forgive I hold them tight in my grasp...and in a way, hold them hostage to my unforgiveness.
Interesting the word of God explains forgiveness...

Ephesians 4:32- be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.

Colossians 3:13- Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Matthew 6:14- For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

2 Corinthians 2:5-7 If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he as grieved all of you, to some extent-not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwelmed by excessive sorrow.

There are also some good ones in
2 Cor 2:10, Luke 6:37, Mark 11:25, Proverbs 17:9, Proverbs 10:12, Matthew 18:21-22

God shows us that forgiveness is important. Holding grudges, hurts and pains not so good!!! I know for myself, it is a process, a stepping out and honestly forgiving people for the wrong they have done me as well as asking for their forgiveness.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Let me be quick to forgive and quick to ask for forgiveness. May I release those who have offended me, so that you can move powerfully in their lives. Jesus, may I be quick to repent of my own sin, and ask for forgiveness. Thank you that you bore my sin on the cross, that you carried the pain, shame and guilt of my sin. I am forever greatful for your loving kindness and mercy that you show me, day after day. Lord, I come to you, blemishes and all, full of pain and sin, and fall at your feet, finding rest in your presence.

Your loving brother and son

AWE

So I stand in awe of my creator, the one who breathes life into me. The one who dwells within me, teaching me, strengthening me, loving me. The list of who God is and what he is doing in my life could just go on and on.

This summer, challenging, yet full of surprizes and wonder! God is taking me past my every misconception and bringing reality into my life. What it means to really be a man. What it really means to be a brother. What it really means to be a leader.
God pours out his grace and mercy and shows me each area in my life that needs improvement and direction. Why does he do that? Because he loves me and does not want me to be the same man I was yesterday or that matter the same one a second ago.

I will write more next week, but I have been so busy with things that I forget to sit and write...so until next week...

fundraising

Okay...time to roll up the sleeves and get creative.
My position at New Direction as Resource Outreach Coordinator is awesome. Urban Missions is where it is at. I love it, feel life there.
But I need partners to walk along side me...supporting me financially.
So I am thinking that I will plan an art show...with some photographs that I have done and ask others to donate some paintings and have a show. The proceeds of the show will go towards my position at New Direction.
Ideally, it is best to have regular monthly donors who give every month...but sometimes we need perks. I will be planning on something in the next couple of months.
I will need help planning, preparing and putting it on.
You will have also noticed a banner advertisment on my site about Tshirts. That is a fundraiser for myself as well. For every 20 tshirts that are sold...I get a percentage of the sales. It is a christian run business who have a heart to provide funds for those who are mission based.
The need is great for my position. Never have we seen such an increase in those seeking help from the ministry.
Please, pray and ask God how you can help.
Blessings....

hmmmm Saturday

Woke up! Ah, it's raining. I like the rain, not for 30 days straight but I do enjoy the freshness that it brings. Everything looks crisp, clean and refreshed. The plants looks like they have a bit more life.
I am learning more about what it means to live in community. The need to connect. Today I went for a bike ride with a friend and we talked about the Pedophile that was in the news. We talked about the deal the police made with him and they talked about how when he was monitored he did well and there was no problem. It was only when he was released of that did he start to act out/wander.
Hmmmm, now let me think. What is my character? I am prone to wander...each one of us is prone to wander in our own weaknesses. So when I read about the Pedophile, I look at my own life and I humbly thank God. A few weeks ago, I realized I need the body, I need community in a greater way. When the temptation is there to wander back to Egypt and to places that I know that I can get comfort just in the physical, is when I need to press into the body of Christ.
For me I guess, I am in introvert at heart. Once you know me you would think...ah, Kenn you are no were near being shy or quiet, but I am. I like to listen. I used to ask God to change my personality, or is that me trying to change how God made me?
This past week, I reflected. Man, I reflect a lot. I read a letter my mom sent me when I moved to Vancouver with my partner. At that point, I had decided I was gay and my family would just have to deal with it. I had battled long enough...and this is what she wrote...
"What I want to to, in this not so long letter, is give you TWO GIFTS. You already have the camera bag, but these gifts are of a different nature.
The FIRST GIFT is the gift of apology. I apologize for the things I did as a parent, in your formative years (mostly unknowingly) which did harm to your self-image and self-esteem. I apologize for the times when i became aware that something was different in your development, but mostly through lack of understanding, did not act upon it. Most especially, I apologize for not keeping in touch with New Directions, and for not attending a parent group to become more informed and more helpful in your struggle, once you introduced me to them. And I cry every time I think about this. I try to think about why I didn't do that, and I always draw a blank....
The SECOND GIFT is that of understanding. I have much to learn yet, but it is incredible to me, how much more I understand now. There is so much information about the factors in early development that contribute to this gender confusion. I understand so much better now about the constant preoccupation with sexuality which were so confusing to me before. I understand how the lack of healthy male role models and male peers in early deveopoment, contributes to the desire to fulfill this need sexually with men. I want to tell you that I have a much greater understanding and appreciation of the intense and enormous struggle you have had from a very early age over your gender orientation. I feel like you must have been to hell and back. I can't tell you what deep pain I feel when i think about that now and how it always causes me to cry profusely when I think how much of this you carried all alone with no one to talk to. I get this picture in my mind where I see you bent over with this heavy weight. But I do understand, that the way out is not easy, but doesn't God say to us, "Come unto me, all ye that are heavy laden..."

When I found that letter I read it and wept. Knowing that my mom...got it and at the time she sent the letter...I didn't get it. Not until I read it today...7 years later do I finally get it.
God has an amazing gift of timing, when we need encouragement he finds a way to send that our way. Today, I needed to read my mom's letter. She has been a great blessing to me. She keeps me in prospective, challenges my faith and loves others. Sure she has faults...and heck so do I. When Paul writes about being the worst sinner, I liken myself to him. I think who can be worse than me. Well...everyone is the same as me...none of us are worse nor better. We are all equal in the eyes of our Father God.
So bless you mom...may you continue to put your trust in your heavenly Father, who teaches and directs your path. You are a true lover of Christ.

what gives

So I have been thinking a lot lately about provision.
Ah, this is a subject that I have not given much thought to in the last 8 years. Mainly because I tried my best to provide for myself or allowed my ex partner to provide for me. When push came to shove...I knew he would come through for me. He was always there. Willing to help me out, lend a helping hand. Yet...something was lacking. When push really came to shove...I was left holding debt...real debt. I know my part, my own desires for a certain lifestyle put me there, yet was ripped off in the end.
I harbor no ill feelings. I have long since been there in that pit of thinking, but what got me thinking today was this.
I was leaving work...Hesed, and I was biking home. The smell of the outdoors brought back memories of evenings cruising around the river...looking for a lover for the evening. I prayed to God...restore to me the joy of walking in the evening or smelling the wonderful crisp air...without the memories of endless nights of walking around, looking, lusting for men to meet my needs of affirmation and acceptance.
Then thoughts of an earlier conversation with a mentor who spoke to me about finances and where I was at in terms of my head space. I told him that I really want to see God show me his provision for me in my life. I do not want to beg or plead with people to give me money. In some ways, I wonder how Christian is that. So in an instant, I was reminded how my ex partner used to provide...lavish dinners and wine and presents. I longed for that again. I thought...how easy it would be for me to be caught up in that. To know someone loved me that much.
Ahhh....wait a minute, I heard myself say!!! I am an Israelite...longing to go back to Egypt, the Keith Green song playing in my head. Where I am warm and secure!
The house, the garden, the beauty of green all around. The large sunroom with windows all around...BUT...the increased knowledge that there had to be more to life than that! Materialism, consummerism...ack! It gave me no security. Yes, a thrill at the moment, a nice warm feeling, but what was I left with after the fact?
I am in a place where I have a roof over my head, little savings, no car, no high speed computer or the latest gadgets. I have no cabin to go to in summer. I do not have a retirement plan in place...though that is concerning me a wee bit. I am in debt from a relationship ending. We did not split our pensions or RRSP's or sell our home or car to be divided at the end of our relationship...I left. I could have fought, won...yet would I have? So I bowed out...took what little I had and walked away. Funny that tonight I longed to go back. To what?

So I came home and my cats greeted me at the door. Sigh! I saw my piano...a little out of tune, yet tinkled a few chords...softly so not to wake the tenants upstairs. I gave the cats fresh water, cleaned up my dishes and sat enjoying the peace and quiet. Late at night it is quiet here. I went outside to take the trash out and saw the flowers that I have planted and smiled. It is good. Living here alone, is good, very very good.
Do I have it all...hardly...but I am rich in comparison to many many people in this world. Do I wonder how my support will come it? Sometimes I do. I am human.
I long for the day when churches and christ followers support ministries such as New Direction. When they stand up here in Canada and say...We support ministries to help educate and minister to those who are wanting to leave the gay life. I long for the day when I lose my job because the church is doing it and there is no more need to educate Christians on how to love the homosexual...regardless of them changing or not.
Right now I long for the church to stand up...and love....like Christ...now wouldn't that be nice.

Art Gallery

Here are a few pictures that I have taken...I have to find some places here in Winnipeg. These are all taken the last week I as in BC in 2005. My farewell week. It was amazing. Photography is a passion, capturing God's creation...enjoy.

I got my recent update from XXXChurch this past week and noticed the announcement about the starvingjesus tour. They are fasting for 40 days and they talked about fasting. How Jesus called us to fast...not just think about it but do it. When I left BC, I talked with a few people about my desire to fast and I have not gotten around to it, but have not forgotten. This was just a spiritual reminder!

I read their Fasting 101 list and have decided to do a fast, praying about it now and asking a few people to do it with me. I won't fast the 40 days quite yet, but I would like to do that too. To rely fully on God! To listen to him, to be praying all day and to eat his word.
Part of the fast for me is to petition God, for a greater provision for my work as a missionary here. That I learn to speak in to being, that which is not seen yet. That I trust in him fully.

Last week Paula and I decided that it was not time for us to date. It was probably the healthiest break ups that I have ever experienced. We both realized the need to just be friends even before talking to each other. Realizing that we know that God is in control of our lives and that we live according to his plans and purposes in our lives. There is a lot going on for both of us. God is drawing us deeper into his presense and we welcome that. Knowing too, that we walked in integrity the whole time we dated, put God first and treated each other with trust and respect. Paula is a wonderful woman of God, who showed me what it means to be a man of God. She valued me as a man. She let me lead, take initiative and waited. So right now we both do not know the plans for us, but we trust in our Heavenly Father, because he has good things in store.

Work at the office continues to spur me on. I love it. I enjoy the environment, the people there and the voice that we have in this culture that we live in. I continue to be blessed and seek after God's heart for those I am in contact with.

SALT, well...what can I say but...AAAAHHHH!!!!! The teaching material is amazing. It digs deep into the wells of my soul. I taught the lesson this past week on grieving and the relevance of that in our lives as we give up the past and bring to mind painful memories that we have put aside. I want the memories to surface, because for years, I pushed down those memories and used sex to give me pleasure and to numb those painful things in my life. Now that I am not using sex as medication, I have to face those painful things and feelings that define me as a man. I ask God to come and minister to the areas I lay hidden. It is just amazing material. I have said it is like getting to the CORE of yourself and then laying everything bare and allowing healing to take place.

Life in the inner city? Well, today I walked to work, like I do most days and I felt saddness. Here are house after house, delapitated, poverty, hunger, addiction and I felt like there is nothing I can do. I think of ways things can change and then the voice says...what can you really do Kenn? Ah! I get angry at the church. I get angry and wonder why christian's have this "prosperity theology" and is it really Biblical? Does it not say...the rich should not have too much and the poor should not have too little. I see people who go to the cottage...and then think...there are kids who do not even have enough to eat, who live in homes with smashed windows and drug dealers on their corner, waiting to offer them a job. There are prostitutes so young that you wonder...WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS?
Does this bother just me? I see people like Harry who stepped out...risked it all to help those less fortunate. Who stood up for the causes of the poor, the prostitutes and who tried to get drugs out of the community. Where are we failing as a church?
I ask a lot of questions, yet get few answers. It is almost like...we shouldn't really talk about these things...they are just too uncomfortable to talk about.

A wise man told me to focus on the ministry at hand. I cannot change the world, but I can impact those I have around me. When I answer an email from a youth who is struggling with their sexuality and their faith...that is my focus. When someone asks me for money on the street, it is going out and buying them some food. If it is telling my testimony and what God has done in my life, that is what I do. If it is writing letters to Government and letting them know of ideas in my head.

So there, a few thoughts, rambling on, just letting you know what is inside.
Check out www.starvingjesus.com
order the book and pray about fasting.

need some laughter

i need some laughter to come my way...
serious reflection come what may.
Heart is full and my mind a racin'
where's that joke...
times a wastin.

so it has been a busy week. I can sit back and reflect at how new everything is. I love it and hate it at the same time. I am a man who thought he loved change...NOT!
I thought I had a lot more pieces of the puzzle together. But what I realized tonight at SALT is this...
For 30 year...ack...I have found my self defined by sex. Be it what was done to me or what I did out of choice. Now that I am not walking that road, God is allowing other things to come to the surface. He is saying...."Kenn, let's look at how you relate here and there. I will walk this way with you, I want you to relate in a healthy way."
So as I inch close to the big 40, I continue to pray...God restore those years. Coming to the realization that here on earth, I will never "arrive". I will never have it all together. I just need to relax, breath and allow God to take over the controls, especially when I want to quicken the pace...or attempt to relate in the old ways.
We talked about inner vows, strongholds and FORTRESSES. Gotta love those fortresses that we build around ourselves to protect us from being hurt...to protect the vows we made not to be hurt. As I sit and make the "known" list of those vows, I repent of them. Ask for forgiveness and ask God to teach me new ways of moving through life. Not so consummed with what people think. Who gives a crap. I want to walk with confidence that God my Father loves me no matter what. No matter if I stumble, fall, I know he still loves me. He knows everything. He knows my past, present and future. So I trust in his love, that he will never leave me or forsake me. That the plans he has for me are good. That I matter to him. I am his most valued treasure.
I pray those realizations go deep within the grand canyon of my soul. Into every crack and hidden place.
I am thankful, thankful, thankful for New Direction, Tye, Living Waters, Life Recovery at TMP, for my small house group,the teaching at Soul and those men who get up early fridays to talk. I am thankful for the friends that help me relax. To my family. To all those people who see God moving and directing my course and who support me in prayer and in financial gifts of support. To each of you, I pray that God blesses you in abundance.
I sense that great things are in store at New Direction. I had a dream last night that I was invited to sit in a discussion group at a University along side a woman who was a lesbian...and who was quite well known. She invited me to be the opposing voice...yet she welcomed me with open arms and so I extended them back. When she was ridiculed and stuff thrown at her, I put my arm around her and told her she was of value. How after we talked, I was asked my opinion on the event and I told the group that I have chosen this path because of my relationship with God. He is the one that has changed me and who constantly keeps refining me. I am here not to judge other peoples choices but to tell of what God has done in my life.
I pray that doors will open to speak the truth of what God has done in my life. Not for my fame or glory but for God to be glorified.
With everything that is happening, I can say that life is good. I would not have it any other way. It makes me closer to God.
If anyone has jokes, encouraging words, anything to make me laugh...please share!!!
I think I need to join a bowling league or something....is there a christian bowling league? Maybe I need to start one up in the winter.
Shalom.........until next time............

trust...a word study...

So thought I would do a word study on Trust....something that I need right now. Being in a place of total reliance in God...it is an unknown area for me, specifically in the area of finances. I do not want to walk in fear, but in courage that I know, that I know, my Father God is a faithful and trusted Father. Yet there is my human brain that often plays the old tapes in my brain that God will not come through for me. So I have to hold firm to the truth of what trust is.
Here is a dictionary meaning...of trust:

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
4. One in which confidence is placed.
5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.

I have added a statement to each of these four meanings.

1. To have or place confidence in; depend on. I place my trust in God.
2. To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that God will provide.
3. To believe: I trust in the truth of God's word.
4. To place in the care of another; I entrust my life to God.

Synonyms: trust, faith, confidence, reliance, dependence
These nouns denote a feeling of certainty that a person or thing will not fail. Trust implies depth and assurance of feeling that is often based on inconclusive evidence: The mayor vowed to justify the trust the electorate had placed in him.

Faith connotes unquestioning, often emotionally charged belief: “Often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true” (William James).

Confidence, frequently implies stronger grounds for assurance: “Confidence is a plant of slow growth in an aged bosom: youth is the season of credulity” (William Pitt).

Reliance connotes a confident and trustful commitment to another: “What reliance could they place on the protection of a prince so recently their enemy?” (William Hickling Prescott).

Dependence suggests reliance on another to whom one is often subordinate: “When I had once called him in, I could not subsist without Dependence on him” (Richard Steele).


So with all of this I then need to go into the word and claim the truth.
Trust:

Psalm 118:8
It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man

John 14:1
Trust in God; trust also in me.

Psalm 40:4
Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

Isaiah 30:15
This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel says,
"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength."

Isaiah 28:16
So this is what the Sovereign LORD says: "See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who trusts will never be dismayed."

Isaiah 26:3-4
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.

Jeremiah 17:7-8
Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

So I take refuge in God
I trust in the trinity
I look to God for all things
quietness and trust are my strength
I will not be dismayed if I trust in God
Peace...perfect peace, comes from trusting
I will be firmly planted, will not waiver and my confidence will abound as I trust in God. I will be blessed.

Honestly, I have to say that I have seen God move in my life and do some amazing things. Why do I still doubt sometimes that He will come through for me? That he loves me enough to bless me? It comes from my human brain...trying to figure things out on my own. That I have to see tangible proof. I am a lot like Thomas. I need to put my hands in Christ's side, see his hands and feet. I wish I could say that I blindly trust...like a child. So I will meditate on this. Eat the word. Sit in the presence of God.

1Corinthians 1:25
For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Come Lord...come and breath new life. Father God draw me deeper into the fullness that you offer me. Teach me your ways. My hearts cry is to know you more each day. To walk in the wisdom that you pour into me. Break through the barriers that I put up. Tear down the walls of security so that I can walk with courage, not fearing what people think but that I can know that I know, my identity comes from you.
Praise God.

issue

so ya...I have not blogged a lot while here. I have not had a lot of time. I have been busy meeting people, being ministered to and learning about the ministry.
It is incredible this journey. FAST FORWARD! REDEMPTION! GO GOD GO!

He who has begun a good work in me will finish it to completion...for his glory and fame.

Living out loud in the church, community, government, family, friends...what does that look like? What does that entail? It is not being afraid of what is ahead but focused on the here and now...for tomorrow may never come.

So I felt challenged this week...on many levels. I would like to share this, yet, I know that I need to do some reflecting as well. God is continually stretching me and getting me out of the comfort zones in my life.
Knowing, I have a voice, I have a story...of hope, restoration and his grace and mercy. Praise him.
This journey is not about me. It is about God...and of his character. It is not about me. Because nothing has been done in my life without God. I die to myself, my agenda and continually ask God to move in...to areas of my life that I have hid away.

Some HUGE stuff happened during ministry time and that too. Things to do with the church and my bad attitude...my repenting of my attitude and steps that I need to take to ask for forgiveness. As scary that is, I need to take the steps that I feel that God is asking me to take. I know that his glory will come out of it.
Well, we leave tomorrow and I am TIRED!
Please pray for our provisions, and travel.

deeper still

Thursday....evening...

What is God doing?





"trust in me"

and then we leave

...where is my passport?...pray!!!!
...will I get everything done?...run around!!!!

friends call and wish me all the best, yesterday my farewell at my previous job! Life is moving along fast...and yet, I pause and breath and see God everywhere. I see how he has orchestrated everything for his glory.

I love what is going on. I love this step of faith as an Urban Missionary. It makes me ever aware of how I am to rely on God for my "everything". In a world which says...YOU MUST DO IT ON YOUR OWN...this is a new step of faith for me.

So tomorrow we leave for Marion Indiana. I would ask for prayers of safety. 7 of us are going down and we are all excited and looking forward with much anticipation to what God is going to show each one of us. I would ask that you pray for provision. That God would meet our needs as we travel.

I will try and post as much as I can. Today, I purchased a digital camera and so I hope that I can download some pictures as well.

Shalom,
Kenny

So I am the official Resource and Outreach Coordinator at New Direction as of Monday.
Thank you to each of you who have said they would support me financially this year and to those who have given one time gifts...a blessing to each one of you.

pre Exodus...some brain thoughts

Exodus....

So the conference is coming up, my job is coming to a close and a new one beginning. A lot of stuff happening.
Tonight was a good one. As I reflected on today, I thought how true it is that apart from God there is no good thing. I feel the blessing of community, of seeking how to do his will and moving out into that. Of not doing life alone.
Learning to boast in my weakness. Ya...that is a new concept but one that I am enjoying in what feels a little twisted. To see God's strength so evident in my life. Him teaching me how to live and love.
I was writing yesterday while doing laundry and just wrote. Feelings and thoughts, flowing like water and onto the paper. It was freeing to let it all come out. I find the more I write and speak the more confident I feel. I am understanding who Kenn is. The gifts and talents that God has given me...makes me feel blessed. I like myself for the first time in many years. Ya, I got crap in my life and I am far from perfection this side of heaven...but I enjoy me. It is strange to say that, but it is true. I have been seeking out who I am in Christ Jesus. I pray and die to self all the time, yet God calls me to love myself as he loves me. So I can fully love others. Incredible concept. I just thought it was selfish or egocentric to love oneself...but I find that it is validating and important to do so.

I will be posting while at Exodus...if they do not have a computer then I will journal the old fashioned way and then post it all.
Phoebe and I continue to put God at the center of our relationship and it is refreshing and sweet. A frangrance pleasing to God. I love what is happening. I shared with someone from my housegroup how I have been seeing God restoring the years the locusts have eaten and I am in awe at God's timing...how perfect it is. Even though I think he is moving fast...I also know it is all about him...and not at all about me. I am a vessel, willing to walk with Him as my center.
I continue to be very thankful for Phoebe and who she is and where she has come from. I met her parents last week and felt an immediate warmth and acceptance.
So with that I bid good night....men's breakfast friday morning...it comes early.

Just leave with this bit of writing....from yesterday....

"I tried hard to mask my lonliness my deep need to connect with others, in particular, men.
Extreme neediness, pawing, panting, pouncing on the next vulnerable soul, to get my needs met.
Scared shit-less to think anyway different and not really wanting to change because it brought immediate pleasure and heaven forbid that I allowed myself to feel anything other than just that.
I clung to the absolute truth (lie) that this is just who I am.
Night after night I would go to sleep wondering...is this it? Is this all there is to life? Cloud my thinking, my emotions with my drugs of choice...medicate, medicate, medicate. Pot, poppers, sex, shopping. Mask it, bandaid it, keep it well away from any level of light source."

SALT

So we began the SALT program a while ago and tonight was a time of surrender. To most people that sounds foolish, especially in our world of control. We are to be in control of our lives and our destiny. Show no mercy...show no weakness.
I listen...I read and realize that I have control issues...man do I ever. I want to submit to God. To have him in control of my life...yet I pick up the reins and go with it. Trying my hardest to have the right image, to put on a brave face, when in reality, I just want to hit the floor or the wall or crumple in a heap.
So tonight, I faced it. My own independance that I hang on to. That I cling to not wanting to give up. Thoughts that I can do this on my own, that I can handle this situation and yet....I know deep down I can't.

So tonight, after the teaching time, I just layed it down. My striving to be this all together man. This guy who just wants people to like him. That I can walk and not stumble and fall. That I will not let anyone down.
Well...that is my striving for this religious way of living. This concept of control. That I can control my destiny. I have everything under control. What a bunch of crap that is.

I need God. I rely on him. If that sounds like a crutch so be it. I seek after God's heart for me...as I read scripture and as I pray. I ask God to teach me his ways...as mine have proven to not work so well.

So I continue to press inward...sometimes falling forward in an act of submission to God my Father.
Realizing my own sinful nature and my need for God has been huge. It is something that I wrestle with and probably will for a bit. God is full of grace though and that for me is huge.
So life is moving on forward. Seems like this kids has grown up a lot in the last year. LEarning to be open and honest with my thoughts and desires...and lining them up in direction with God's will for me. Kinda fun and exciting, yet challening and new at the same time.

A few weeks ago...in May

So, there are many thoughts at work in my brain tonight. I worked an evening shift at Hesed and it was so peaceful and good. I enjoy working there so much. The residents are real. No pretense, no fake fronts. It is refreshing to say the least.

So it brings me to think of my life and how things have changed for me this past year.

I am dating.
I live in the west end.
I will soon give up my job and start working as an urban missionary.
I live on my own.
I enjoy it tremendously.
I have a house group that I attend and an inspiring church.
I work with Harry Lehotsky through Lazarus Housing.
I work at an Aids Transition House.

Serving others has been the key to my sobriety. It has been 125 days since my last sexual fall. Wow...I said that out loud. It is good. I recognize so much that I rely on God more and more. To realize that I am not valued by the person I sleep with but by the love of Christ. I am okay...regardless of what people think.
Community has played a key part in my healing journey.

Time to RISE UP!

Time to rise up is now. Knowing the will of God is to bind up the broken hearted, set the captives free, feed the poor, clothe the naked. So often we pray...Lord, what is your will for me...and yet, He has already clearly given that commission to us.

So my thoughts are racing and I cannot sleep. I spent a few hours crying out to God, praying and as I did I was brought to Psalm 41...this chapter in Psalms has been popping into my head almost everytime I read my Bible and I wondered why. Tonight I know why. What I can say is that I proclaimed this chapter over Harry Lehotsky tonight. A man who is a pillar in our community and someone who is kind to the poor. God be GLORIFIED. Save his life.

Psalm 41...

Oh, the joys of those who are kind to the poor!
The Lord rescues them when they are in trouble.
The Lord protects them and keeps them alive.
He gives them prosperity in the land and rescues them from their enemies.
The Lord nurses them when they are sick and restores them to health.

"O Lord," I prayed, "have mercy on me. Heal me, for I have sinned against you."
But my enemies say nothing but evil about me.
"How soon will he die and be forgotten?" they ask.
They visit me as if they were my friends, but all the while they gather gossip, and when they leave, they spread it everywhere.
All who hate me whisper about me, imagining the worst. "He has some fatal disease," they say. "He will never get out of that bed!" Even my best friend, the one who shared my food, has turned against me.

Lord, have mercy on me. Make me well again, so I can pay them back!
I know you are pleased with me for you have not let my enemies triumph over me.
You have preserved my life because I am innocent; you have brought me into your presence forever.

Praise the Lord, the God of Israel, who lives from everlasting to everlasting.
Amen and Amen!


So I pray that and proclaim that verse over Harry. I really feel like this could be the church's wake up call...to RISE UP! We say that we are Christians...but do people really "get it"? Do we feed the poor, clothe the naked, bind up the broken hearted and set captives free. Do we love our neighbour, do we really love them? Do we love the prostitutes, do we love the homeless? Do we love those dying of Aids?

Do we wait for someone else to do the work of Christ...or do we rise to what Christ has called us to do? We know this is not our home...this is not where we are to lay our treasures...so why are people going hungry...why do places like House of Hesed and New Direction and other ministries have to cry out for funding...and support? Why?
Christ asks us to Love ourselves...which I believe is the very act of knowing how much God loves us. When we understand that fully we understand who we are and how loved and important we are in God's sight. Then we move out of that and love others. Despite who they are and what is happening in their lives. We move past ourselves. We become Christ like.

So I have a dream...a vision...that every Christian, young and old, regardless of denomination...would rise up and be like Christ. Christ even said we would do greater things than He even did...can you phathom that!!!!
That we would give to the poor, the needy. We would see injustice stopped. We would change the very face of Winnipeg and the world around us. Can you imagine?
Can you imagine what it would be like for Christian Ministries in our city...not having to have fundraisers, but that there would be more than enough! That Organizations would be able to live on interest alone. That the government and other people would see how we Christian's look after people! Wow!

So I ask you to rise to the challenge...the vision...the dream. You can bring about change! You can talk and inspire others to bring about change as well. You can be the hands and feet of Christ.

Thanks for listening to my rant...the time is now...!

last couple of weeks

The last few weeks in review!

Things have not been easy, yet they have not been hard. 2 weeks ago, I met with the Board of Directors for New Direction and will be stepping into a ministry role come this summer. Some people have asked if this will be something that I will do for the rest of my life. The Lord knows the plans he has for me. I take steps in the direction that I know he is calling me to. I was affirmed by the board and felt peace with joining the staff there. It is a work that I feel strong about. It is cutting edge and not politically correct...but God honoring and truthful. Feeling like this is it. That finally, I have peace in what I am doing...a good thing.

I entered into the SALT program, which deals with people struggling with sexual addiction. Okay...we have had 2 meetings...and yep, God is still pouring out his understanding and love. I feel encouraged and blessed by those I meet. The material and the understanding of this issue is huge. It is a continuation of Living Waters.

My youngest brother stayed with me a couple of days while his new apartment was getting ready and then Paul and I helped him clean it and ya, things are going nicely for him. He is working his first shift as a grip (movie biz) and I am so excited for him. I have been praying for him for a long time....keep moving...keeping listening.

I totally forgot everything last week...housegroup meeting...men's breakfast...but this week housegroup was canceled and men's breakfast...I continue to feel accepted and wonderful being there.

There are times, when I sit and be still and feel the weight of the world trying to crush me, but I am not defined by the worlds standards. I follow a God who directs my path, who gives me strength when I am weak and who loves me...loves me...loves me. He calls me to a higher standard.

This weekend...laundry and setting up the basement, cleaning and maybe putting in a few plants...and rest! Sunday, I am going with Tye to speak at a church. I get to say a few words.

Well, right now that has been the last couple of weeks..I am exhausted, and so the cats call...bed!

consuming thoughts

What I find interesting
is the thoughts of man.
Wasted memories,
thougths that flew.
Desires burn
passions plea.
Trying to take us to
common places,
so comfortable
so un-new.

Wanting more
of your consumming grace
mercy unfailing
mercy unchanging.
To be consummed by you,
take over
desires within.
Line them up
to your rule and reign.
Consume me, consume me.

Paths I've walked
hearts I've found,
used and abused
no rest I found.
Till you came
you rescued me
drew me close
with your unfailing love,
your unchanging name.

kpw 2006

Oh Mercy Lord
come rest on me.
Change my name
change my plea.
Here I stand
arms open wide.
Consume me with
your holy fire
consume me with
your holy fire

kpw 2006

I have been writing a bit more on paper lately. Having the need to write with a pen or pencil. Hear the scratch of the writing utensil on the paper, see the color go across the page. It is easy to type and hear the click of the keys, but there is something about writing on paper. Theraputic.

So, there are changes going on in my life and I am having to focus on taking it one day at a time. Focus on today. Not months down the line. That will come. So I ease up. Enjoy the moment.
So what happens here with transparency in regards to the person I am dating? I am choosing for the moment not to comment. Keep it between God and her and some good friends who support us. Maybe one day I will post about her, but not right now. It is right now too tender and sweet.

I have been missing appointments and it kinda feels like I need to take stock of things in my life. Take time to stop and think. Refocus.

So tomorrow, or this morning...we go golfing, a few friends and we relax before the big party Saturday night. I am happy that they arrived safe from Minneapolis, that we can visit and enjoy each others company. I am looking forward to many more times with them at conferences and meetings. Thank you God for directing my path. For making known my direction and supplying my needs according to your glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I moved back in May last year and so much has changed. Job, career, relationship status, accomodations. To some it could be overwelming, but when God is in control there is an element of peace that comes. I want to elaborate...but these thoughts will come in another post...

just a bit of me

This is written after the Easter weekend....

This weekend was BUSY! I wish that monday would have been a holidy so I could just sit and veg a bit. I have not had one of those days of late and I have been missing it. Something about reading a good book in the sun.

I need solitude sometimes, to refresh my soul.
I need nature to calm me and bring me to the awe moments.
I need music to fill me with melody's.
I need people to encourage and lift me up.

But most of all I need God. I need him. Someone asked me if I was dependant on him. I said yes. I depend on God to teach me, speak to me. To guide me through life. Who am I that I should be God or think that I am He? I often push him aside and busy my life with other "stuff". I put off spending time in his presence. I put off talking with him. For what? Life get's busy and I forget. Blame it on short term memory loss, or just the fact that I don't say no when I really should or the fact that I do not budget my time well.

Living Waters is over and a new group is starting up in a week. I am so looking forward to meeting again with a group of men. I have to say, I have missed it, which is huge. It is refreshing and real...to be a part of men encouraging one another and building each other up. Recognizing the fact that we were never meant to do life on our own. How important community is to each of us. Thinking of small villages and towns were everyone knew each other and helped each other out, and now trying to make that happen here in a big city...it can be hard. People can get lost.

stations of the cross

bad friday...or is it good.

I have often wondered that at Easter. Jesus died, he died a horrible death, tortured beyond belief...I wonder if his relatives would even recognize him. Today at Soul we went through the stations of the cross...a labrinth of meditations, reflection and taking time to be still.

It was more powerful that I thought it would be. It sometimes takes me awhile to get "the distractions" out of my head. So the 2 hours of meditation flew by. Really, it was amazing.

The service was quiet, introspective. I felt like an observer would have felt in the garden, at the supper and at the cross. I felt deep sadness, yet deep love and praise. I could have burst out in wailing, as I told my friends. Something deep touched my Soul and that was the spirit of God. Ministering something within. Deep gratitude for what Jesus bore and took for me. All of it for me. When they took the cross out of the room like a funeral service...darkened room, I wondered, was this it? What if this was it? What if he just died? But he didn't. He rose again...and I look forward in celebrating with much praise that Jesus did not just die. But that he rose again. Praise you Lord.

I am so tired, it has been a long day...went for a round of golf today, first one of the season. Wish I could go more often this year...but it might be tight. Thanks for the game buddy!! Shot a 53 and watched as my friend hit some incredible shots. Wow, even after one lesson...okay...teach me now.

Then went to my dad's place and spent time playing and eating good food. I am exhausted today...am looking forward in just getting into bed. My cat got spayed and so she needs some TLC from me. Curled up on my lap, purring loudly. She is way cute.

Until next time...

movie

Akeelah and the Bee. A movie not to be missed. It is not out yet...just saw the screening. It brought me to tears...so much of God in the movie. I wonder sometimes who writes this and why? What was their thoughts behind writing the movie. I found it personally interesting, the racial situations, the family components and how community can be found everywhere...when we least expect it. How there are thousands of mentors and teachers all around us.

I went with a couple of friends...one who is more than just a friend. Someone who has come into my life in a fresh and real way. Someone who takes my breath away. Who I treasure and hold with integrity and honor. Who is like a blossoming flower...glowing with the spirit within her.

I think back at a few months ago and how I commented to a friend how I am just enjoying being single, content to be like this for awhile and really, actually enjoying it. How things can change. I stand though in awe of God who works his hand in our lives. Who challenges us, stretches us, and gives us the desires of our heart, when at times are not even looking for it.

As I prepare for the celebration of Easter, I think at the time when I watched the Passion. I had a few years ago vowed I would not see it. When I watched it last summer, I wept...sobbed...snot everywhere. I saw with new eyes a little of what Christ went through...and for who....me. I let it minister to me. Some people will not see it because of the violence and I watched in shear heart ache as he was beaten, thinking that he took that for me. Realizing that the movie portrayed just a hint of the gruesome facts that probably took place...hits me even harder.

So I enter this time to reflect on the sacrifice, the gift and the hope that I have. To stand in awe of my Abba Father.

Ya, life is changing, it is challenging, it is giving. It is about renewal, restoration and refuge. I have seen God move...in wonderful ways. Hmmm, ya! Restoring the years the locusts have eaten, giving back the vineyards....Praise Him.

spays and stuff

So my cat got spayed today. I took her in early and she was really freakin out. I felt sad for her. Maybe she wanted more kittens...but I wasn't willing to stay put for 6 months. So that answered that. The vet said she was really hyper...is said "so you have not been around an abbyssinian lately." She is at home resting peacefully.

Housegroup meeting. It was good to meet new people and start connecting to the body of Christ. Really...this is community.

Soul is having a good friday service...9 am for the stations of the cross, an event not to be missed. Then from 11-1230 a service. Come out if you are curious and want to take some time out and meditate.

Last weekends trip to the lake...well, what can I say. It was good. Company was very good. Really!!!

That is exciting the scary at the same time.

I want to reflect a bit more on Easter, the Passion and just life in general, so I will write more later.

Does anyone read this blog?

This is a note from my friend Paula...after a trip up to my dad and his wife's cabin. I asked her if I could put it on my blog and she agreed. So read and enjoy. She is a gifted writer and I keep telling her to start blogging...maybe one day! Maybe some of her writing will find it's way on here.
Enjoy...Kenn.


Note: Skinny Dip Lane is the name of a street at a place called... The Narrows.

A Journal Entry (entitled) 18 Skinny Dip Lane or What I Know For Sure

Dear God.

You are my Father. I can hardly believe that I am where I am, seated in the car of a friend, a friend sent by You Lord - to minister Your truth into my life.

Lord - as for where things are going; as for where I am headed; as for where You are taking me Jesus; I really don't know. What I know for sure, is that You are God.
What I know for sure, is that You are forgiving.
What I know for sure, is that You are lovely.
What I know for sure, is that You are holy.
What I know for sure, is that You are friend.
What I know for sure, is that You are faithful.
What I know for sure, is that You are Saviour.
What I know for sure, is that You are Redeemer.
What I know for sure, is that You are healer.
What I know for sure, is that You are life.
What I know for sure, is that I need You, always and for everything. Jesus I need You. I know (that)... for sure.

Driving from Winnipeg to The Narrows was beauitful. It felt like the beginning of a journey and I wasn't sure if this was the beginning or if I hadn't stopped to notice when it all started. What I do know, is that I'm on it and Lord, that You're in it.

I thought it bless-edly interesting that on our way here to The Narrows, Kenn headed for Stonewall. Ah, my Dad's old almamata. Or maybe, it' not so much my Dad's, as it is mine. In any case, we got back on route and the drive was God led. It's no surprise to me, we arrived safely. It's no surprise that (Your love) Lord, brought me out here, today, to new ground, to unfamiliar surroundings where I am not acquainted with the names of streets; the colour of cabins; the smell of forest; nor the markings of trees. What is familiar though, is (You) Lord and the beauty of Your presence...the life restoring power of Your presence. And as I raise my head from this page, I can see water from a distance. Yes, water moving it's way in between small cracks of thinning ice and snow mounds that insist on experiencing Spring. I love this time of year; maybe because it's my birth month and I'll soon be 40. Na...that's not the reason. What I love, is seeing blades of grass, making their way passed the surface of what looks like brown stubble. I am reminded that something not yet fully seen, filled with life, and potential often lays below the surface and that even blades of grass have to break through - a ceiling of tough ground to rise above the shock of exposure to "the sun."

Kenn's Dad and his wife are wonderful people Lord. Thanks. We had muffins, fruit, and coffee. Well, I had tea but I got to drink love. I got to sit at a table where everyone was real; where the only things decorated were the cutlery and plates. Everything else was in it's natural form; ...much of it still being worked on. I thought to myself... ah, a project in the making with renovations shouting out loud, "look at me, I'm in the process of becoming something new." That's me Lord. I'm in the process of becoming, (becoming someone new). And as I sit here in Kenn's car penning these words that I'm inspired to write down; (in the background) I'm hearing the sound of a saw cutting it's way through wood; while a son responds to his Father's request for assistance; a helping hand; someone to join him in the labour of love; someone to help him get the job done; ... the remodelling of this cabin; the extending of walls; the re-building of rooms. It's why this place feels like a home.

Lord, today as Kenn and I drove out, so much was shared; spoken and unspoken. (You) ministered Lord. I knew, it was You. And here I am at a place called, The Narrows, where I am surrounded by water. Lord, as for where things are going, as for where I am headed; as for where You are taking me, Jesus; I really don't know. What I know for sure, is that You are God..... Amen.

An immediate after thought:

To skinny dip means to be fully submerged, immersed or swimming in water, while naked and without clothes. Thank YOU LORD, for that reminder. Ah, Lord, ... that just sparked another title idea for another story: When The Covering Is You. ....Your daughter, Paula.

what to say

Tonight, I wonder what to say. The journey of Living Waters is over...or has it just begun? As I sat listening to the men and women speak of their journey into freedom, I was overwelmed. Both in my own walk and sharing this walk with others. It has been incredible. The awesome reality of God.

Yet, as I came home, I began to feel overwelmed, fearful of what lies ahead. Stomach churning. Mostly, because I have an exam on thursday and I feel utterly, not ready. My mind has not been there. So much has happened these past two weeks. Wow.

I feel confindent though. More so than ever before in my life. I desire to know God more. I spoke tonight of how I felt during the Living Waters process. So many times, I felt like I could have been more open. I could have shared more, but I also know that what I shared was real.

I re-read my blog entries and am amazed at where God has brought me. It is incredible. Sure, I do not have it all together...I am not "healed", yet I know, I know of his unfailing love.

I wrote this for my living waters in review....

When I began Living Waters, I wrote on my blog this statement....
"WHAT HAVE I DONE? It would be so much easier to take the well traveled path".

I was scared of being real, vulnerable, ripped open and left for dead. I was frightened that this wouldn't work for me. That it would be too difficult and I would give up.

Well, I gave up. I gave up the notion and mind set that this is all about me and how healed I would be, and how my needs would be met.
I gave up control. This has not been easy. I like being in control. I just kow that I can't be. Being not in control has taken me to some very uncomfortable places. But God is gracious and loving and I have begun to taste and see that the Lord our God is good. That he is my refuge and my strong tower, where I can run to Him and I am safe. It is yielding the controls over to God and allowing Him to do his work in me.

At the beginning of Living Waters I quoted Hosea 2. That continues to ring true to me. How God Took away everything because of my unfaithfulness and because I forgot Him. YET...you oh God allured me, lead me to a desert spoke tenderly to me, gave me back the vineyards. I sing as in the days of my youth, as in the days I came out of Egypt.

I have realized how broken and weak I really am. That I can boast in my weakness and in that God's strength is revealed. I have realized that admitting my weakness fully in front of other men has brought me much healing. For me the small group times meant more than anything. It made me realize I am not alone. That I can bare my soul and not be rejected or judged. That is HUGE!

For me something happened in January. I cannot fully fathom it. I wrote that something new is going on...yet it's not scary anymore. I am actually a bit excited in what is happening my alone times with God have taken on a whole new feel. Being able to just talk to him. Tell him what is going on and the crap I feel and the joy I experience. So I hold on to his robe, casting my cares at the cross and prepare for the ride of my life.

Psalm 90:14-17

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love
so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
Give us gladness in proportion to our misery.
Replace the evil years with good.
Let us, your servants, see you work again,
let our children see your glory
and may the Lord our God show us his approval
and make our efforts successful.

This is a journey, a challenging and sometimes difficult way to live. I really feel that we have all taken the narrow less traveled path. For me it is opening up and doing the opposite of what I normally would do. It is laying down my life and allowing Christ to transform this vessel of a man. It is being open to the refiners fire and crying out to be consummed by his spirit.

my heart aches to be consumed by your fire
the refinement of precious metal
break down the calluses and hardened metal
come refiners fire
Burn apart the barriers holding me secure
all the preconceptions long with held
hold me tight as you bring you fire
come refiners fire
Secret rooms and boundaries built
years of self induced ache
not willing to hold it in
come refiners fire
burn long and hard, my aching heart
beat the drums and trumpets shout
as the walls come crashing in
come refiners fire
come refiners fire.

Peace to you who have shared the last 25 weeks with me, who have listened and imparted life. Blessings to you!

beautiful life

Today was the last session of Living Waters and I have to admit, I am happy that it is over. Now don't get me wrong. I loved it. I loved most of all the time spent with the guys. Hearing the stories of their lives. Being vulnerable and real. Transparent. I walk away a better man because of the input that 6 men in my group played in my life. How they shared, how they reacted. It shows how important community is in our lives. How important and God driven it is to connect with me. I understand how much has been twisted and bent out of shape in my years of seeking encounters with men sexually. How in my past relationship with my ex, not everthing was bad. How it has always been God's intent for men to be real with one another and have intimate relationships with each other...just not in a sexual way.

Now society may deem that invalid, especially with todays views on homosexuality, but I feel like more of a man than I ever have. I got a comment from someone and he said...it was too bad that I never allowed myself the experience to really know God as a gay man and to experience a totally committed relationship. I have had to disagree with him. To know God fully...I do not believe you can be in a gay relationship and honestly know God fully. I think you can know God and God can use you and move in you, but to fully understand the healing and the annointing...not sure if you can, and I do not need to go there to see if you could. For me, I am happy in the place where I am at.

I have lived in the gay community, and there are parts of that community that I loved. There is also parts that I thought "darkness dwells there". I have lived in both sides of the sphere. I am choosing to walk in the fullness of Christ. I know people who are gay who say they are christians and who walk and talk with God. I believe that...but I think that deep down, there is something more that they crave, desire and want. Something that man cannot give. A wholeness, a deeper relationship with God, the Abba Father, Holy One, who sent His only son Jesus to take from us the hurts of our youth, our adulthood and place it on the cross. All the disappointments of having a messed up family, incest, abuse, confusion of our gender. I know men and woman who have walked out of the confusion and into the light of who they are in Christ and who are extrememly happy and fullfilled.

So my challenge is for anyone reading this who is questioning, who has a relationship with God...is there more to life than what you have? Is what you have all there is? Is God calling you to something more?

As hard as it could be and will be, all God wants is to embrace us and call us into our true identities...apart from the worlds view.

I leave that with you. I place this flower on here as a sign of my thankfulness to those who have embraced me and supported me. Who have carried me through this time in my life and who continually bless me. To those men in my group who inspire me and move me past my own brokenness. To the leaders who pushed, pulled and prayed. To the teachers who taught about the truth, grace and mercy of our God. Thank you for who you are in Christ Jesus.